The two of us are dating. Youre dating . Yeah. Do you have a friend thats single . Actually, i dont. Have you ever thought about a threesome . [ laughs ] no. No, i cant say we have. Thank you for talking to us, but im so sorry we cant help right now. Well, thank you anyway. All right. You would have been a lot of fun. Thanks. Yeah, youre right. [ woman laughs ] [ Twisted Sisters were not gonna take it plays ] were not gonna take it no, we aint gonna take it were not gonna take it anymore nailed it. Were not gonna take it no, we aint gonna take it were not gonna take it anymore ahchoo [ laughs ] were not gonna take it no no, we aint gonna take it were not gonna take it anymore ooh [ cheers and applause ] oh, hi. Welcome to off their rockers. Im just getting the house ready for a friend whos coming over. [ doorbell rings ] oh that must be him. Hi, howie. Come on in. Hi, betty. How are you . [ laughs ] oh, wow. Whoa look at your place. Whats with all the plastic on everything . What is this . Oh, im howieproofing my house because i know youre a germaphobe. [ both laugh ] that too. But i see you brought your own protection. This . Uhhuh. No, no. Its not for germs. No, i want to do something special. Sock puppets. Yep, brought a sock puppet. Because im not a professional ventriloquist, i brought the mask to cover my lips, and that way, the illusion of the character remains. Camptown races sing their song dooda dooda [ humming ] im more worried about him now than ive ever been before. Doodadadada doodoodoodooday doodoodoodooday crazy i used to be crazy would you mind taking a picture, by chance . Taking your picture . Yeah, our picture. Would that be all right . Im sorry to bother you about it. Not good with technology . You know this is a nophotograph zone . Oh, really . Yeah, this whole area. Just right here . No photographs are allowed, yeah. Im afraid im gonna have to write you up for that. [ laughs ] are you serious . Absolutely. Okay, photo violation. Didnt you see the signs that say, no photos in this area . I cant tell if youre being serious right now or not. Absolutely. Im serious as a heart attack, son. Now, you can mail this in or you can go down to city hall and pay it. Okay . Have a nice day. Is this real . Sir, excuse me. Im just exhausted. Im trying to catch a connecting flight, and i just need to close my eyes a few minutes. Would you mind . Just dont let me go to sleep. I was actually just about to get my plane, just so you know. Can you just wait a couple of seconds . Yeah, yeah, yeah. Itll just take me a minute. Just let me relax, okay . Okay. [ snoring loudly ] no, no. No, no, mom. No, no, mom. No, i wont be late for school. [ snoring, wheezing ] [ groans ] oh. You all right . You let me sleep. Oh, my god. I got to go. Im gonna miss the plane. Okay, thanks. Thank you very much. Thank you. Ba baba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba baba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba excuse me. Can you hang on to this for one second . Just one second. Ba ba ba ba ba baba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba yeah did you just see what happened . Did you just see what happened . Ba bababa ba i have never read such masterful prose. I laughed. I cried. It was better than war and peace. Ill be shocked if it doesnt win the pulitzer prize. What did you all think of it . I think, between us all, we could come up with at least 75 shades of gray. [ laughter ] [ rock music plays ] [ horn blares ] excuse me. Excuse me. I need some room here. [ horn blares ] i need room. I need a little room. [ horn blares ] [ horn blares ] i need room. [ horn blares ] people wait for this promotion all year long. And now there are endless ways to love it. From crispy to spicy to savory. [ man ] you cannot make a bad choice. [ male announcer ] red lobsters endless shrimp as much as you like, any way you like you can have your shrimp. And you can eat it, too. [ male announcer ] try our new soy wasabi grilled shrimp or classic garlic shrimp scampi. 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Plus sensitivity to light, sound, even nausea. And its 1 neurologist recommended. Migraines are where excedrin excels. Its back to school time. And excedrin wants to make sure your Childs School is equipped to help your child excel. Purchase excedrin for a chance to win one of 5 10,000 donations to your Childs School. Go to excedrins Facebook Page to enter. To your Childs School. Were not gonna take it anymore [ birds chirping ] you dont like to shake hands, do you, howie . No, no. I do the fist tap. I do a little tap of the fist. Can you show me how to do that . Yeah, just make a fist. Yeah . Tap me there. Uhhuh. If you want to have more fun, you tap me there, you tap me on top, you tap me on the bottom, and then, for fun, you can blow it up. [ laughs ] oh. So i just make a fist. Make a fist. And i hit you in the middle. And then i hit you on top. And then i hit you on the bottom. And then for fun. And then just blow it up. [ explosion ] [ exhales sharply ] see what happens when you tap betty white . Woman hi. How are you . Hi. Im fine. Whats your name . Sean. Oh. Im here shopping for my granddaughter. Oh, really . Yeah. I went on a cruise, and then we toured africa. Yeah. And i ended up with a i dont know what, but it itches. [ laughs ] i must have touched something in africa, but i dont know what. [ laughs ] anyway, i guess i should start shopping. Okay. [ laughs ] you have a good day. You too. Byebye. Thanks a lot. [ surf music plays ] somebody told me this is a good place to hitchhike. Oh, yeah . Yeah. I cant seem to be getting anybody to stop. You be careful with that. This is supposed to be the best place in town to hitchhike. Yeah . Really . Oh, i dont know what im gonna do. Hey, you need a ride . Yeah, yeah. Im going as far as downtown. Oh, perfect, perfect hop on. Okay. Can i sit in the front . I get motion sickness. Sure, sure. Lets go whoohoo i told you this is a good place. [ rock music plays ] hello. Hello. How are you . Hi. Im fine. What is it that youre looking for . The bike shop. The bike shop . Yeah. Let me tell you bike rental oh, dont listen to him. He doesnt know anything. Come here. Ill tell you where it is. I want to do it before it gets dark. Dont listen to her. No, no, no. Dont listen to him. He knows nothing. You know what they call her . Missinformation. Hes so old, he cant find the zipper on his pants. Ask her everything she knows. Itll take three seconds. Wait. Wait. Wait. Im telling you he couldnt find the balls on a bull. You dont even know which way is up. Listen, you couldnt find cactus in arizona. So, which one of us do you like better . Dont say anything dont say anything at all [ horn honks ] [ both laughing ] give me your love, love, love give me your love, love, love i got a big, big appetite and i just cant get enough give me your love, love, love sir, could you help me with my phone for a second . Definitely. Hey, have a seat. Yeah, okay. What can i help you with . The thing is, is theres a guy over there with a hat and a blue shirt, okay . Uhhuh. Hes been tailing me all day. And theres a woman straight ahead. Dont look too much. With the newspaper in front of her face . Uhhuh. Theyve both been tailing me. Okay, i need to lose them, so im gonna leave this here. Ill be back in a minute. Its very important. Its top secret. I cant do that. Just keep your eye on it. [ surf music plays ] man what are you doing here . Satans seniors own this block. Woman lets roll yeah lets roll [ laughs ] seniors rule they sure do [ girl ] by the way, this is not what back to school looks like. The only thing anyone really cares about is that first day. Everyone will be stylin their faves. Love that but ill be bringing it every day, cause i went to jcpenney. I know, right . Thats what im talking about. They have so much great stuff. Oh, sweet anyway, whats your first day strategy . [ female announcer ] doorbusters saturday 9 00 to 1 00. Come find your first day look at jcpenney. Its a reality check. I had my reality check when id be sitting there with my friends who had their verizon phones and id be sitting there like mines still loading i couldnt get email. I couldnt stream movies. I couldnt upload any of our music. Thats when i decided to switch. Now that im on verizon, everything moves fast. With verizon, i have that reliability. Im completely happy with verizon. Verizons 4g lte is the most reliable and in more places than any other 4g network. Period. Thats powerful. Verizon. Get the nokia lumia 928 for free. Now we have bold new tastes like never before. You like things made by hand. Were now grilling up freshly made eggwhites. You like to cool down. We just added a refreshing new smoothie. You get wrapped up in things. Were introducing new delicious ways for you to eat. Theres no one quite like you. Now more than ever, theres something for everyone to love at mcdonalds. Be in our ad. Go to imlovinit. Com [ dog barks ] oh. It was a nice thought. [ male announcer ] some Business Decisions are better than others. The best decision is switching to verizon. Choose verizon fios for 100 fiber optic fast internet and Business Class phone, both with 99. 9 network reliability. All for just 99. 99 a month with a two year price guarantee. Plus get an additional line included. Its all backed by our worry free guarantee, with no activation fees, and more. Hurry and call 1. 888. 774. 4418 to sign up. Verizon. With no activation fees, and more. Were not gonna take it anymore i am so happy to have you on this show, howie. I love being here. Im so happy, i made you a little gift. You made these . Uhhuh. What is this . Its origami. What is this . Oh, thats an afghan, how. And whats that . And thats a swan. You know, i do origami, too. You do . Yeah, with tissue. Oh. I do it onehanded. Youre kidding. No, im not. Im not. Look at this. Look at this. Im able to fold. The forefinger. Take the thumb in. Index finger. And you have a small white boulder. There you go. Thats for you. I made that. Look at this one. Fold, fold, fold. Over. Da da dada. A cloud. Oh. There you go. And i will make a look at this. I will fold, fold, fold. And this is. A tissue. A tissue. [ rock music plays ] can i talk to you for a minute . Yeah. For a quick second. Well, just for a second. Do you know anything about manscaping . I dont. Ive having my first date in 50 years, and friends are telling me about manscaping. You got to be you. If you want to trim up and kind of just clean things up a little bit, thats perfectly fine just to kind of look nice, depending on where youre going. I use a straight razor. Im oldfashioned. But i dont want to use a straight razor down there. Uh. You could. I could . I mean, all i use is i just have a regular beard trimmer, and i just use my beard trimmer wherever i need. But i dont want to hurt myself, you know . I think youll be just fine. I dont think you have anything to worry about. Youre really wise beyond your years. You really and truly are. Thank you. I appreciate that. I try. All right . You have a great day. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. [ hiphop music plays ] excuse me. Excuse me. Yes . Can i listen to just a couple of beats . Im trying to get my grandson something for his birthday. Okay, okay. Maybe listen to it. [ laughs ] no. That kind of sucks. My grandson really is into, like, flo rida. You really dont have good taste in music. [ hiphop music plays ] hey, what do you say, fea . Free grandpa hug. Just one. Just one. Oh oh oh, i cant believe it. Its wonderful. Oh, oh, oh. Okay. Oh oh. Mm. Can i hug you, too . Yeah oh, this feels so good. Oh. Oh oh, thats good. Oh. Here, sweetie. Oh byebye. That really felt so good. My friends and i are having a little party. I know. Lets play charades, guys. I love charades can i go first . Well, sure. I love the passion, michael. Go ahead. Woman go, michael, go. Man come on. Man 2 go ahead, michael. Come on, mike. Lets hear it. Lets hear it. Movie. Yeah. [ groaning ] nick. Throat. Deep throat. Oh, stop. [ groaning continues ] dying . Death. Death of a salesman. [ groaning continues ] die hard. Looks like this may take a little while. I dont mean to disturb you. Im from the midwest. Its my First Time Ever at the beach. Im 72 years old. [ laughs ] really . No kidding . Yeah. What state . Kansas. All right. Kansas city. Right. The thing is you know, they say you can hear the ocean in this. Yeah. Yeah. I think i can hear my wife. [ both laugh ] what is she saying . Come back to kansas. She was just can you hear . [ chuckles ] its the weirdest thing. [ gasps ] woman i cant believe this damn it, marty get back to the hotel the buffet is almost closing come on thats my wife. I thought i could hear her. [ laughs ] have a good trip. [ male announcer ] we love our devices. Until we see the new one. Technology doesnt wait. Why should you . Introducing at t next. A new way to get a new device every year. Zero down payment, no upgrade fee, no activation fee, no financing fee. Its time to rethink how you get a new device. Its time to rethink how you get a new device. Olive gardens never ending pasta bowl is back. Unlimited breadsticks and salad, plus never ending combinations of pasta and sauce just 9. 99. And even unlimited meatballs, sausage or chicken for 2. 99. Its all unlimited when you go olive garden. Softens the enamel so it can potentially erode. Once that enamel is gone, its gone. My dentist recommended pronamel. Pronamel protects your teeth from the effects of acid erosion. I dont have to cut out the things that i love in my diet. From the effects of acid erosion. Im going to be a superhero. Mighty mother nature. And each day. Im going to do something kind to help the earth like recycling and turning off the water when i brush my teeth. You can help save the planet, too. The more you know. Were not gonna take it anymore welcome back to our game of charades. Unfortunately, were no closer to figuring out what movie michaels trying to act out. Man blue lagoon . Blues brothers. Michael, give us something to work with. Falling down. Legends of the fall. Yes. You know, for a trained actor, im surprised hes choking so badly. Thats it breathless. [ surf music plays ] woman hi. Youre such a cute couple. Oh, no, were not a couple. Were just friends. Really . Yeah. Well, maybe you ought to be. [ laughs ] you havent been going together . No, were just friends. Really . Have you thought about it . No. Oh. Well, in that case, you might want to give me a call sometime. [ both laugh ] you know, im an old dog, but i have a few good tricks. And im newly single. There. Call me sometime. Okay. Youre cute. Are you sure you dont want to go with him . Im pretty sure. [ laughs ] call me, honey. If youre feeling lonely, give me a call sometime yeah uhhuh ahhhhhhhh hi. Hi. How are you . Fine. I am trying to become a voiceover artist. Uhhuh. And i just was hoping that you might listen to what im doing and tell me if im good or not. All right. So, this is for, like, books on tape. Okay. The velvet glove. In the heat of passion, raw human animalistic tendencies take over. Armando rubbed her lower lip with his rough, callused forefinger. [ both laugh ] hows that . Hows that . I need to bring it up or bring it down . I think thats fine. Let me try something a little different. As he continued around to the nape of my neck i love that. That was really good. Thats awesome. Hey, ladies, you were great. Have a good one. All right, you too. [ surf music plays ] look out look out i dont know how to drive this damn thing. Whoa look out look out whoa mon dieu whoa, whoa, whoa [ dogs bark ] whoa whoa [ chuckles ] [ dog barks ] whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa little help here. Excuse me. Can you help me . I need to get this wheelchair down there. Okay. Oh. Oh. Thank you very much. Okay. Thank you. Man excuse me. Did you see a wheelchair over here . Yeah. You helped somebody steal my wheelchair . Oh, no. Oh, no. Well, we finally figured out what michael was trying to say. It was the heimlich maneuver. Which is a movie ive never even heard of. The good news is we won. He lived. [ chuckles ] good night, everybody