I am moved. The Holiday Weekend is almost upon us. The fourth of july. The original brexit is the fourth of july. Its especially great when july fourth is on a monday. Its great for everyone, except dogs. Dogs hate the fourth of july. I love it. Its my favorite holiday. You dont have to wrap anything. Other than bacon around a hot dog, you dont have to wrap a damn thing. It can be dangerous. Last year, two nfl players lost fingers setting off fireworks. [ laughter ] thats not a joke. [ laughter ] a player for the buccaneers and a player for the giants. They blew their fingers off, which is awful. But its a good reminder, if you go to play with fireworks, play soccer. [ laughter ] not only is july 4th a dangerous weekend for athletes, its the scariest time of year every news channel, they get the mannequins out of macys and sears, and blow their limbs off, all in the name of fireworks safety. Its a somber holiday for them. In memory of the Department Store dummies who give their parts so local news crews can have something to blow up on the morning shows this time of year, we put together this tribute to honor their sacrifice. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] [ laughter ] [ laughter ] [ explosion ] [ laughter ] jimmy well, thats great. [ cheers and applause ] i guess its better than standing in the window at the gap for your whole life, right . Donald trump is upset today because so many of his former republican rivals have not endorsed him. He says he feels like he is running against two parties because none of the guys have jumped in to lend their support. Which makes no sense at all. Donald trump has been nothing but nice to them. [ laughter ] he says what theyre doing is disgraceful. And there should be consequences for it. What consequences, i dont know. Maybe he is planning to feed jeb bush to his dragons. I have no idea. At this point, the Republican Party is like the scientists at jurassic park. Now, its going t mike tyson turns 50 years old tonight. He is a friend of the show and for mine. And to celebrate the milestone, a local third grader has prepared a special presentation in tribute to iron mike. Tristan, come on out and the give it to us. [ cheers and applause ] hi, guys. Im mike tyson. And today, i turn 50 years old. People call me iron mike because im i am the most ferocious, atrocious, radadacious, delicious man alive. One time, i bit Evander Holyfields ear off. And then, i bit his other ear off. [ laughter ] i tried the say im sorry. But he couldnt hear me. [ laughter ] oh, well. I happy birthday to me. See you later, suckers. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you, tristan. He gave you a shot on the way out, huh . Guillermo yeah. Jimmy hey, this is interesting. Kfc in india theres kfc in india, which is interesting of itself, they have a new item on their menu, called watt in a box. Watt. Its like a meal box that charges your phone while you eat. You plug into it. I guess the chicken powers your i dont know how it works. [ laughter ] its smart. Everyone can use a charge while theyre eating chicken. Here, in the united states, another fast food chain is copying it. Taco bell is thinking outside of the bun. Food recharges our bodice. Now, the usbrito. Made of beef, cheese, and electrical wires. Thats tasty. Dig in. Just dont bite the red wire. [ laughter ] damn it. The usbrito. Try it with our new wifire sauce. Only at taco bell, live mas. Jimmy not a real thing. We made that up. [ cheers and applause ] do not order that. Taco bell does not have it. Okay . [ laughter ] this is funny. This little girl in the car with her mom. Shes lipsyncing along to the beyonce song, sorry, and then does something she might have to apologize for. No. Jimmy well at least she knows some sign language. Thats a good thing, right . [ laughter ] one more thing before we forge ahead. Its thursday night. Its time to bleep and blur the being tv moments of the week. Its this week in unnecessary censorship. Enjoy. [ cheers and applause ] you cant unite a country by forcing [ bleep ] down the peoples throats. My name is faust. Thats right. And im [ bleep ] from south africa. Who [ bleep ] somebody like me you want to [ bleep ] somebody like me this is about the people. Its about the right of the people of this country to [ bleep ] their own [ bleep ]. We have a big set of [ bleep ] that im going to be [ bleep ] hard as soon as i become president. Im the one guy that thinks he has a [ bleep ]. Wow. I did not know that. Wells has not [ bleep ] jojo yet. Muslims [ bleep ] muslims. Muslims at [ bleep ] each other. A year. You [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] hes not wearing pants. Thats a [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. Every part of me hurts. Even my [ bleep ] hurts. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we will take a break. When we come back from the break, were going to go out and ask people on the street to narrate porno movies. And also, questions with d. J. Kahled. So, stick around. Well be right back. [ tires screech ] [ laughs ] jaaaaamie, the name your price tool can show you Coverage Options to fit your budget. Tell me something i dont know oh ohhh ahh this is probably more of a breakroom activity. Ya think . Padvil pm gives you the healingu at nsleep you need, it. Helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. Advil pm. For a healing nights sleep. Get your fix with breolive gardensed . Two new breadstick sandwiches. Like our new spicy chicken sandwich. Try them for lunch starting at just 6. 99. Olive garden. If rigcascading caramel on cookie all night,e well be over here flowing caramel on cookie. Wouldnt it be funny if they were all working late all laughing theyre not that stupid. Try both. Pick a side. Twix®. But im not gonna let em catch me, no no, not gonna let em catch the midnight rider, yeaaahh. But im not gonna let em catch me nooo not gonna let em catch the midnight riiiiiiiideer [ cheers and applause ] jimmy well, hi will. Welcome back to the show. Tonight, Christoph Waltz, Danielle Brooks. Well have music from maxwell. This is an unusual combination of good deed and bad. Theres an adult video website that is offering a new feature, specifically for the visually umpii impaired. Its called describe video. The way it works, is narrators describe what is going on in a porn video, so that blind people can enjoy them, too. I dont know why they need the video. Just need the narrator, really. The Vice President of the company said this is their way of giving back. So [ laughter ] very thoughtful. Heres an example of how describe video works. A white woman, in a cheaplooking red power suit, sits next to a white, middleaged man with brown hair, a white shirt, gray suit and a redstriped tie. We move to an interview where we see a teen girl is sitting in a bright white room. A girl gets in, lots of makeup and squeezing a nice, curvy figure into a tight, blue dress. The video opens with a young white girl. She puts a piece of equipment on a shelf. And tiptoes around the corner to look at something. Jimmy you can guess what that something is. So far, theres only 50 videos with narration. I had guillermo go through them all. [ laughter ] as a public service, we went out on the street today and we asked people walking by our theater to pitch in and help. We asked them to narrate a video for this this video for us. And heres how that went. Would you be willing to narrate pornography for blind people today . Yes. How do you feel about narrating pornography for blind people . That would you like to narrate some porn for blind people today . Yes, i would. Great. Go get in that booth. A guy is ordering her to do something in the kitchen. Wants her to peel the vegetables. And on the table, there is a few carrots, potatoes and cucumbers. And shes told to peel them. Very hand on with this cucumber peeling. Away from the body. Hes not sure how to do it, either. Shes at work. He just asked her what she has in mind. Now, hes began kissing her. And touching, pretty much every part of her body. He is grinding his pelvis against her flat rear. Okay. Theyre making out. The background is them kissing. Also, the sink with a long faucet. Now, hes taking down her top. Now, nipples are exposed. Theyre like the size of two baby oranges. Oh, gosh. She seems to be enjoying herself quite a bit. [ laughter ] and helping along with this little procedure here. [ laughter ] he is touching her. Slapping her butt. She just picked something up. What did she pick up . She picked something up. I dont know what it is. I dont think i know what that is. All right. That cant be safe. Theyre on the stove. Its a big stove. Very nice stove. A lot of parts. You could make a lot of meals there. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Now, shes drooling a bit. And hes taking it downtown. He has a bandaid on h he has titties, too. Ew. The propane. It could be gas. What is that . What is that . What is that . What is that . What is that . What . Okay. Now, shes reversed the roles. And shes doing what i believe to be called the [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are they going to read that . Anyway, i dont know if that woman has grandchildren. If so, we apologize to them. We have a strong show for you tonight. With music from maxwell. From orange is the new black, Danielle Brooks is here. The great Christoph Waltz will join us. But before we get to them, major key alert. Its time for three ridiculous questions with d. J. Khaled. [ cheers and applause ] if you know somebody and you cant remember their name, what do you call them . Bless up. Jimmy bless up. Thats a greeting. Bless up. If i dont know your name. Bless up. Its a positive vibe. Its called bless up. Jimmy what if someone sneezes . Bless you. But still, bless up at the same time. You know what im saying . Jimmy i do. Which would you rather see in person . A unicorn or a duck with human feet . Im going with a unicorn. Jimmy why a unicorn . Special cloth. Like a duck with human feet. I see that all the time. Jimmy you do . Theres a lot of ducks out there. You know what i mean . Jimmy where did all the pilgrpil pilgrims go . I have no idea. It you have to stay out of peoples business sometimes. Jimmy especially pilgrims, with the buckles on the hats. Socks pulled up. Shot jut to the pilgrims. Jimmy shoutout to the pilgrims. The only way. Drink responsibly. Jimmy you know who will love that toast . The pilgrims. Absolutely. Another one. Other one. E. Bless up. Jimmy bless up. The ford freedom sales event is on with our best offers of the year im free to do what i want. And 0 financing is back on a huge selection of ford cars, trucks and suvs. Plus get an extra 1000 smart bonus on specially tagged vehicles. Thats freedom from interest. And freedom to choose with ford. Americas best selling brand. Im free, baby now get 0 financing plus a 1000 smart bonus cash on specially tagged vehicles. Only at the ford freedom sales event. Feel free. You were 14 when married . I was almost 15. Jimmy when did your kids put two and two together . I havent told them. Jimmy you havent . In a group of gladiatorseum prepare for battle. Carrying on their shoulders the legacy of a nation, and. Enormous heads. Go [whistle] winning a president ial race but saving money with geico is easy. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi, there. Danielle brooks is with us. He plays tastey on the show. Then, his new album comes out tomorrow. Its called blacksummersnight, maxwell from the samsung outdoor stage. Maxwell looks like hes going through a lot right now. By the way, our audience tonight is filled with pregnant 14yearolds. So [ applause ] at one time, she was a pregnant 14yearold. But do not tell her kids. Our first guest is a twotime oscarwinning actor, who ranks right up there with freud and the von trapps as americas favorite austrian. He goes headtohead with the earl of greystoke in the legend of tarzan. My kings army is due in six days. All ive to do is to deliver tarzan to chief mongo. I have a desire to kill your husband. I have yet to discover the cause. What did tarzan do . Killed his only son. Oh. And get ready because that is nothing, compared to what he will do to you. Your husbands wildness disturbs me more than i can easily express. Jimmy the legend of tarzan opens in theaters tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing . Very good to see you. You are from austria. You live in our country now. Do you celebrate the fourth of july . Is this something you take part in . With flying colors. Jimmy what colors do you fly . What color is our flag . Three stripes. Red, white, red. Jimmy that is kind of the pattern. You have to be careful. Theyll throw you out of here if they feel like you dont know the flag. You have to know the flag. I can sing the anthem. Jimmy you can . Very good. I can whistle it. Jimmy do you barbecue . Do you shoot off fireworks . Do you do any of the stuff we do on the excuse me . Jimmy have you not been has no one invited you over for a proper fourth of july party . Well, they have, yes. Jimmy they have . I dont like the sauce. Jimmy you dont like what sauce . The Barbecue Sauce. [ laughter ] its sticky. Its sticky. Jimmy you dont like Barbecue Sauce . No. Jimmy no . Wow. [ laughter ] thats weird. You think . Jimmy do you like ketchup . No. Jimmy do you like mustard in. Yeah. Jimmy okay. All right. Nice hot dog with some mustard on it. I dont like hot dogs. Jimmy really . Isnt that against the law in your home country to not like hot dogs. Do you like a wienerschnitzel . It depends. Jimmy it depends. Is this why they kicked you out . I guess. Jimmy do you like hamburgers . Yeah. Jimmy what do you oh, no. Jimmy all right. No. I eat normally. Jimmy you eat normally. Not according to me, you dont. [ laughter ] if you went to a party, you wouldnt have all of the stuff that comes off the grill . Oh. Id pick at it. I would say brilliant. Jimmy youre easing into our culture. Yes. Yes. Im not easing. But im kind of yeah. Jimmy your costar, margot robbie, my wife declared the most beautiful woman on our show, was here on tuesday. And she we had a clip, in which she spit into your face. And she said she was very uncomfortable doing that to you. Were you uncomfortable being spit on . You know, not that im into in kind of, you know, thing . Jimmy you mean sexually . [ laughter ] you know, worse things could happen than margot spitting in your face. I was baffled by how much spit was in that little, beautiful woman. [ laughter ] how she contains all of that is beyond me. Jimmy yeah. There were a lot of takes, right . Yeah. Jimmy how many takes do you say there were . 62. Jimmy she spit in your face 60 times . She had to replenish once in a while. Jimmy and that didnt gross you out . And yet, Barbecue Sauce bothers you. I totally conquer with the analogy. Jimmy of Barbecue Sauce . And spit. Jimmy wow. This movie, the premiere was across the street. Do you enjoy going to the big hollywood premiere . They close off one of the main traffic arteries of one of the biggest cities in the jimmy yes. And put some plants there, to emulate jungle, as if it werent jungle enough. [ laughter ] and then, you stroll down an empty boulevard, across the street into the Roosevelt Hotel for a party. Jimmy a lot of actors will go to the red carpet. They will take pictures and will sneak out of the theater. They wont watch the movie. Did you watch the movie . I did. I wanted to see i wanted to take it on the chin. Jimmy i see. And i did. Jimmy quentin tarantino, you worked with a number of times. Said he will go to a real Movie Theater and he will sneak in the back because he wants to see how a regular audience reacts to the movie. Have you ever done that . Or done it with him . Well, he does it for free. They make me pay. So [ laughter ] jimmy youve never done anytng theater . I love going to the Movie Theaters. I used to. Now, its more of a multisensory experience with everybody talking. I mean, they counter that by turning up the volume so loud that it makes my eardrums buzz for a fortnight. At least i dont hear them talk. Now, they fiddle with the gadgets. Jimmy phones, right. And what is it . Speaking of disgusting sauce. Why do they have to eat crap that stinks like with the guy next to me comes with a bucket full of nachos with some some nondefinable stinking goo on top. [ laughter and applause ] and he you know . And this guy has, you know, its always its never in civilized containers. Jimmy its a box. [ laughter ] you know what im realizing about you right now . Youre no fun at all. [ laughter ] [ applause ] thank you. I take that as support. And i go for the movie. Jimmy uhhuh. Even if its bad, i go for the movie. Jimmy right. They go for the jimmy in austria, they dont serve food in the theater . Yeah. Popcorn because theyre americanized. But this is large. Jimmy really . Wow. U play the bad guy, including this movie, in a lot of films. Do you most people love to play the bad guy. Do you wish you could play the good guy . Oh, yes. Jimmy you do . Desperately. [ laughter ] i put my various talents f occasionally. But so far, they dont really jimmy people start thinking of you in one way. You know, you know this. I dont know if the audience knows. Theyre making a movie about the life of seigfried and roy, the magicians from las vegas, which was exciting for me because im from las vegas. Youre from austria. I grew up in las vegas. You cant grow up there. Jimmy i did. People do. Theres humans that live there. I thought it jimmy i was one of them. I thought it was created for you not to grow up. Jimmy no. It was created for people to actually be conceived there. [ laughter ] but so, interestingly, we ran into each other at an audition for the movie. And i got the tape from them. Do you mind if i show them . Please. Jimmy this is we auditioned to play take a look. Youll see. Seigfried and roy, magic secrets take on roy. Roy. Im roy. Jimmy no. Im roy. Roy is a brunette. You have to do this. Im roy. Jimmy okay. I guess were both roy. Can i get your real names, please, for the audition . Jimmy we dont have real names. Were in character. Method. Jimmy we are roy. Action. Curiositcuriosity, adventure imagination. These are the ma nigss cools. In magic, anything is possible. Jimmy yes. Regular people are trapped. But not the magician. For us, there is always an escape. Nazi magician . Jimmy no. What is that . Jimmy its a german accent. You never heard of a german accent . Ive heard german accents. Jimmy okay, well. Kimmel is a german name. I think i know what german i thought i was roy. Matthew reaches out to find the child within us. The power of magic is to make dreams come true. Jimmy as a child, i dreamed of floating inside a balloon that dances in the sky. What do you mean . Jimmy thats how germens say balloon. Its not. Jimmy like the song, 99 red balloon. Very, very scary. Call the troops out in a