Geography. Do you like geography . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy so heres a map of the united states. Its the most sexually diseased states. Now, as a general rule, the state with the most stds is traditionally whichever state where the bachelor is shooting, but not in this case. California finished 16th, which is better than i thought we would do. You know, Charlie Sheen lives here. But the number one most sexually diseased state, is fortunately, not attached to us. It is right there, alaska. [ applause ] and the reason they have the most stds in alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while youre wearing mittens . [ laughter ] guillermo, youre wearing mittens. Yes, jimmy. Jimmy you have a condom in your hands. Give it a to give you an idea of how difficult this is. Even practiced in this, this afternoon, right . Yeah. Can i use my teeth . Yeah, you can use anything, but dont bite into the you, you know. I dont want to have to heimlich you here. So you can see what im saying. Are you still working on that . Yeah. Jimmy when you get it open, put it on and well see how it looks. All right, sure. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy the most, i dont know if you can see, but the top state for stdfree is new hampshire. Congratulations to new hampshire, followed by west virginia, maine, and vermont. Vermont is 47. Theyre really making the most of this. Vermont, theyre even using these new stats to help boost tourism. Vermont its the place to be if and it wont hurt when you pee vermont come to vermont wed love to see you we wont give you herpes or gonorrhea just maple syrup and lots of skiing no blood in yourur urine for e times when you pee we have low rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and even crabs. Make vermont your destination when you pee here, theres no Burning Sensation vermont, were vt, not vd im Bernie Sanders and i approved this message. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats the only burn i feel. Anyway, its funny, but its a serious thing. Control reminds you, still the best way of contracting an std is to get really into dungeons and dragons in high school. You get that thing open yet, guillermo . Not yet. Jimmy President Trump is working to drum up support from republicans for the obamacare replacement theyve been working on. Tonight he invited a hundred of them to come bowling at the white house. For real, its a pizza and bowling night, part of what theyre calling the president s charm offensive. He can be very charming and very offensive. So he puts those together. Unfortunately, the white house Bowling Alley only has two lanes, so i dont know how much bowling will happen. Bowling is a traditional activity for the president of the united states. It goes all the way back to harry truman. Theres richard nixon. President clinton bowling. President bush throwing the ball. President obama all bowling in suits and ties. The really takeaway here bowling shirt, you know, with a spare force one on it, a team logo. [ laughter and applause ] oh, thank you. Thank you. Trump has made it known that he doesnt want the new Health Care Bill called trumpcare, the president is a humble man, he doesnt like to put his name on things. And paul ryan, the speaker of the house said this, the reason obamacare doesnt work, is because it makes Healthy People pay for the care of sick people. Isnt that how all insurance works . My car is fun, iine, im not pa for the people who got in an accident. Its like saying the lottery doesnt work because only one person hits the jackpot. Anyway, last night, the president and first lady had dinner with ted cruz and his wife heidi, which that must have been after and you know how the government could make some money, put it on payperview. I would gladly pay a hundred dollars to watch donald trump and ted cruz eat dinner together. It would be the best episode of celebrity wife swap ever. You remember melania trump, the model who is locked in the tower and talks bilike borat . 52 of americans have a favorable opinion, men more than women. Men base it on google image search results. If theres one thing donald trump loves, its people with better ratings than him, hes not going to tolerate that. In addition to my work as a talk show host and hairstylist, im also a beloved tv judge. From time to time i hear cases with my trusty bailiff, who has disputes in very good hands, these hands, the man known as judge james. This is the plaintiff, scott davies. He rented a private onebedroom apartment from the defendant, only to discover on moving day that the unit was merely a living room. Hes suing for 1,400. This is the defendant, daniel devore. He maintains the plaintiff was aware of the living arrangement, but changed his mind. Its the case of the justice of the lease. Raise your right hand. What you are about to witness is real. The participants are not actors. Theyre actual litigants with a case pending in civil courts. Both parties have agreed to drop their claims to have their case decided here by judge james. You can be seated. You can sit down. The lady has very good. Before we begin, id like to congratulate you, guillermo. Guillermo has been named bailiff of the month. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you. Okay, all right. Scott davies, you are suing daniel devore, for 1400, the amount you paid to rent a room, and later you discovered it was just a living room, correct . Yes, your honor. Mr. Devore, you say he just changed his mind, and he decided to sue. Thats correct. Mr. Davies, lets start with you. I found the craigs list ad, i dont know which one he gave you. Youll see there, it doesnt say den at all. It says private room. I met him at his office, gave him wish. He gave me the keys and immediately i building, they only got me into the living room. So i called him and said, i think you forgot a key. He basically started to manipulate the situation, telling me, thats the space i rented, and if im not familiar with the laws in california, if you give somebody cash for a room in california, thats the room youre getting. Mr. Devore, what happened . I had two ads going at the same time, and it wasnt a living room. It was a den and a private room. One was 695, one was 895. Hes just showing you the one ad. Do you have the other ad . Believe it or not, i do not have the other ad. There you go. Thats the only ad, sir. You know, little brother, you better give me a second while im speaking. Ive been listening to you all day. We got two rooms, campbells a witness. Come on, big brother, youre not organized. Listen, little brother do you guys think of each other as brothers . Well, he calls me brother call your mom that night. Im a big mamas boy. Im not afraid to admit it. I love your mom too. I bet you do. [ laughter ] what is this youre showing me . Its all black. Thats the ad i ran for 695. Why cant i read it . Youre sweating there. Order in the court. Yes. Tell him to quiet down, looks like a little terrier running around the court. Shut up, fat boy. Come over here and tell me to shut up. Hold on real quickly, you are no longer bailiff of the month. You cant let this go on. Did he move in, campbell . He did move in. He stayed the night. So you are living in the house now . Yes, sir, i am. Are you in i hope not, your honor. Campbell, are you currently under the influence of marijuana . Say something, campbell. Campbell, Say Something help me out here, man. Campbell, are you going to do anything . Say anything, campbell are you alive . What the frik . Jimmy seen more personality in a can of soup. All right, im going to go to my chambers and maybe have a snack and then i will come back and rule on this case. Will judge james side with little brother or big brother . Will guillermo have to say adios to his best bailiff award . And is campbell, mmm, mmm, wasted . When we return. Jimmy well take when we come back, the conclusion of judge james, plus this week in unnecessary sens censorship, so stick around. Well be right back mp hi. P. Woo hi. Hi. All pants, jeans, and tops up to 40 off. Hi, fashion. Old navy. vo have to happen . Idnt i didnt see it. vo what if we could go back . What if our car. In iihs frontend crash prevention testing, nobody beats the subaru impreza. Not toyota. Not honda. Not ford. The allnew subaru impreza. More than a car, its a subaru. Ill have that goat cheese garden salad. That gentleman got the last one. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from American Express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Throw. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of American Express. Its more than cash back. Delicious, freshly brewed coffee cits one dollar. Go to mcdonalds and get 1 any size coffee or 2 small specialty beverage. And, every 6th mccafe beverage is free with our app. Wake up and win the day. Hook with 5 lines for just cric 100 per month. Plus, switch and get up to 5 free select Samsung Galaxy phones. So get more, save more and get down. Cricket wireless. Something to smile about. When i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. Liberty did what . Yeah, with Liberty Mutual all i needed to do to get an estimate was snap a photo of the damage and voila voila sigh i wish my Insurance Company had that. Wait hold it. Hold it boys. Theres supposed to be three of you. Wheres your brother . Wheres your brother . Hey, wheres charlie . Charlie . you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you. Liberty stands with you™ Liberty Mutual insurance because when it comes to great tasting water. Fill quickly and pour immediately, for great tasting water. Fast. New brita stream. That has everyone talking. Get out dont miss the best reviewed movie of the year. [ gasps ] they treat us like family. [ grunts ] get out. Rated r. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight on the show, Gillian Jacobs is here, comedian sam jay is on the way. First i want to wish happy birthday to barbie the doll, she turned 58 today. 58 years old. Old enough that we should probably start calling her by her real name, barbara. Sadly barbie didnt get the one thing she wanted today, which is for ken to have genitals. Still having trouble with that over there . Jimmy i like that youre still working on it. I want to open it. Jimmy youll get it open. Lets go back to the courtroom for the shocking and legally binding conclusion to judge james. This mistreated mamas boy said he received the runaround. This loudmouth landlord disagrees, and this redeyed witness thinks its all a dream. Judge james is about to rule. Lets listen. Be seated. Its a good thing you guys dont live together, because you really dont get along. I think you can understand, mr. Devore, that without the ad, you really dont have any evidence. I will say, my primary concern here is for the welfare of campbell. Campbell, are you here under duress . No. Do you know what duress means . I do. I have reviewed the evidence, i plaintiff, in the amount of 1,378. 68 minus one nights stay in mr. Devores den. Arrest everyone. [ laughter and applause ] all right, judge james has rendered his verdict. Both sides came out clean. Lets talk to the defendant. How you doing . Good, how are you . Judge said you failed to present evidence of a previous ad. Well, he rented it, but sorry we couldnt show judge james what he needed to see. Campbell, earlier you said you were not under duress. You want to blink twice if youre in trouble . [ laughter ] all right, well take that up with the authorities. On the next judge james what is the purpose of this meditati meditation shrine . To meditate who doesnt button his shirt, ill tell you that. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy one more thing, its thursday night, time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week, whether they need it or not. Its this week in unnecessary censorship. Three days after an explosive claim by President Trump that president obama bleep his [ bleep ] during the campaign. I have lost hope completely and my mind is closed. This presidency is fake and [ bleep ]. Your thoughts . I know you always [ bleep ] me, but do you ever [ bleep ] . Never, ever. Its not the fire in your belly, you have to have the pleep ble bleat bleat in your throat. Just to swallow so much. I want to [ bleep ] President Trump. I want to [ bleep ] Vice President pence. And i want to are you going to [ bleep ] this weekend . That would be no. I had barbecue with your mom. So have i. I [ bleep ] your dog, bro. I [ bleep ] your dog. Ive had so many [ bleep ]. Its hearda to keep track of all 135 of them. And counting. Jimmy happy birthday, barbie. Guillermo . What Jimmy Guillermo . I appreciate you trying to open it, but the moment has passed. If this would have happed in bed if i were in bed, i wouldnt have all this jimmy you dont wear mittens when youre make love . No way jimmy the things you learn. Tonight on the show, Gillian Jacobs is here, comedian sam jay is here,and well be dicky portions of kimmel live are brought to you by oreo cookies. Join the oreo dunk challenge by sharing your dunk for a chance to win. 2017 motor trend car of the year. Kelly blue book 2016 best resale value. 2016 j. D. Power highest quality breaking. Ack. 10 best blah blah blah 2015. Only about 90 more to go thats a lot of awards now through march 13, get 20 below msrp on all 2017 spark, impala and sonic models. Thats over 8,000 on this chevy impala. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Jimmy oh, person. There arent too many i. T. People, are there . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back. Tonight, from the very funny show love, which can be bingewatched or consumed in moderation on netflix, Gillian Jacobs is here. Then, she is a comedian, you can see her live may 18th through the 20th at the crapshoot comedy festival in las vegas, sam jay is here. Next week, we have a great show next week. Next week, bachelor nick and his mystery bride to be, or not, on monday night after the finale. Dax shepard will be here, matthew perry, tim allen, milo ventimiglia, michael pena, chef thomas keller, paul shaffer featuring jenny lewis and shaggy. We will have mashup monday music from ok go, and the go gos, and our announcer Dicky Barrett brings boston to los angeles as the mighty mighty boft bostones. Dicky, are you ready . Dicky id better phone the lads. Jimmy you better. And i have to practice on my and cleto, i looked at the notes, and they were too high. Very low masculine notes, okay . Yes. Jimmy okay, very good. Our first guest tonight still in the jacket . Yeah, its cold. Jimmy our first guest tonight is the god of thunders brother, who is about to share a screen with the worlds most famous giant primate, kong skull island opens in theaters tomorrow. Please welcome Tom Hiddleston [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you look very nice. So do you, sir. Jimmy so you had the big kong premiere last night across the street. Right across the street. Jimmy did you stay and watch the movie with the audience . Did i. First time ive seen it with a big crowd. Jimmy that was time . Yeah. Jimmy and thats fun, isnt it . Especially a film like this, which is a roller coaster ride, and you get to hear people jump and gasp and throw popcorn in the air. Its really fun. You dont get that on set. Jimmy you know this, i dont know if people know this, but a lot of times the actors when they go to the premiere, they pretend to be going to the movie and then they sneak out the back door and they dont see their movie and i never understand that, because thats supposed to be thats the point of doing the movie. Thats true. To turn up and watch it. Jimmy you had a premiere in mexico last week . Last weekend. It was great. Jimmy this is interesting. I want to ask you about this. Here you are in sombrero. [ laughter ] did you travel with the sombrero, or was that something that was given to you when you got to mexico . No, so there was a big premiere and thousands of fans who turned out to say hi. And then in the middle o red carpet, Somebody Just reached across and handed me this sombrero, which i thought was a huge honor. Jimmy and you just said, hey, im going to put it on. Yeah. And then, i worked with guillermo dell toro. Jimmy oh, yes. From crimson peak, and they love him. And then they sang me a song. Guillermo, can you help me out . They sang me this song called jimmy who did . The mexican fans. I put the sombrero on and they all started singing. Its called sbrk speaking in spanish ]. Yes. Do you know what that is . Yes. Its the night sky. We can sing it together if you want. Jimmy oh, that would be beautiful. [ cheers and applause ] i dont know the words. Jimmy this should be lovely. I dont know the words to this. Is that the tune . No, thats the way jimmy thats as close as he gets. [ singing in spanish ] Jimmy Guillermo, you gotta sing into the microphone. [ laughter ] thats kind of why its there. Oh, forget it. Go back over there. [ applause ] you practice next time. We will. I have something to tell you in spanish. [ speaking spanish ]. Exacta. Muy trabajo. Which is, i havent forgotten the gorilla suit. [ laughter ] because the last time i was here, i was in a gorilla suit. J in general. Is king kong a gorilla or an ape . I dont know that actually. People say hes an ape. Jimmy yeah, they do say ape. I called him a monkey once and it didnt go down well on twitter. Jimmy oh, yeah, people get very specific about that sort of thing. They love when youre wrong. Do you speak other languages . Your spanish was shaky. [ laughter ] i speak a little french. Jimmy oh, do you . Okay. But only because ive worked there a lot. Jimmy i see. So i studied it a bit in school. Jimmy did you go to boarding school . Yeah. Jimmy its not such a big thing here, boarding school. If youre bad, you go to boarding school here. Your parents have had enough of you. Maybe the same is true in the uk and i just didnt know. Jimmy was it an allboys school . Yeah, it was. It was kinda mixed and then it was all boys in the teenage years. Jimmy i see. Just when you want it to not be all yeah. I always say boarding school is like a mixture of harry potter and the great escape. Jimmy okay. Without the magic or the second world war. Jimmy but broomsticks. Plenty of broomsticks. But the friends i made are close to this day. Jimmy yeah, right. Because