used drugs through a new test they call hair analysis. are you familiar with this? they said they can test your hair for the presence and see if you've been doing drugs. imagine being convicted on a basis of your hair. more bad news for pete rose. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and todahe of don king's hair. [ laughter ] he was negative for drugs but they found a hunter squatting in there with a duck call. [ laughter ] [ applause ] okay. tonight, mr. tony randall, whom we we've not seen for quite a while is with us. [ applause ] one of the young ladies who stars in a very innovative television show called is lara flynn boyle. lara is with us tonight. [ applause ] and andy-- and a gentleman i have not met. i have only seen a picture of what he is bringing tonight. andy kaufman and he has-- i'm talking really big frogs. have you seen that story? that he is entering in the calaveras frog jumping contest? >> yeah. >> and they had a little controversy because he bred these frogs, i believe in the cameroon somewhere and these are-- i'm talking big frogs. [ laughter ] right here on our stage-- big frogs. i guess that's about it. and? >> don't we have a visitor? >> we have a visitor. >> a visitor from the east. >> from the east. my goodness. what a lucky time you are-- [ applause ] [ music ] thank you. >> thank you, doc. doc severinsen and the great nbc orchestra. [ applause ] and now a person we have not seen in a long time, the famous visitor from the east. the all knowing, all telling, all omniscient, famous seer sage sayer and former driver for miss daisy, carnac the magnificent! [ applause ] well, nice to see you again. >> thank you. >> i hold in my hand, the envelope, can see these envelopes are hermetically sealed. they've been kept in a mayonnaise jar in a station wagon since noon today. and your mystical and borderline divine way will ascertain the answer having never before heard the question. >> thank you, rover. >> yes. [ laughter ] envelope number one. hermetically sealed. >> must have absolute silence. >> often times, carnac gets that. [ laughter ] >> should've been called forwarding, not call answering. >> yes. [ laughter ] [ >> the answer to this question sealed in here is milk and honey. >> milk and honey. >> what will michael milken be hearing a lot of in jail? [ laughter ] and through the gums. >> what's the worst place to attach your suspenders? [ laughter ] carnac, headed right into pakistani porta-potty. [ laughter ] ding dong dell pushes in the well. [ laughter ] what won the grand prize this week on "america's funniest home videos?" [ laughter ] freddy explaining it to peter. [ laughter ] he understands. >> he understands. >> where jimmy hoffa-- [ laughter ] ahh. [ laughter ] >> we have several more to go. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> to hell in a hand basket. what's the next place ernest should go? [ laughter ] [ applause ] hair trigger. >> hair trigger. >> what did germans called roy roger's horse? hmm. little hand is on the seven. describe an evening at snow white's house. [ laughter ] c'est la vie. la vie. [ laughter ] [ applause ] the infinity. >> the infinity. >> ah, shut up. [ laughter ] where does the needle stop on dom deluise's bathroom scale? [ laughter ] [ applause ] buttercup. name something worn by an athletic cow. [ laughter ] shell game. what do you call mutant ninja turtle foreplay? [ laughter ] the last envelope. [ applause ] >> yeah! yeah! a road, a chicken and an snl president. that should be feathered, and something that should be tarred and feathered. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] okay. my-- this young man has the center of a rather heated controversy for some time. his frogs will compete at the celebrated calaveras county fair in jumping frog jubilee next week. didn't mark twain write a story about this? >> yes. >> calaveras county? he's from seattle, washington. would you welcome andy kaufman. [ applause ] [ music ] [ cheers ] good god! or something i mean, that's a real frog. >> yes, it is. this is her ky. >> her ky? >> yeah, that's what we call him. this is her ky. her ky is 8 1/2 pounds goliath frog. >> what kind of a frog? >> a goliath frog. >> goliath, yep, i see what you mean. [ laughter ] is it hard to hold him like that? he seems comfortable. >> that's how you hold a frog of that size. support his weight. >> huh? >> you support his weight like this. there are all different colors. some of them are yellow and some of them are white. some of them are black. they're all different. i've seen pictures of them. but-- so you're sitting right here. >> it's also amazing to be out here with you. >> yeah, well. [ laughter ] what's this controversy all about? this frog is because he's not raised in this country? is that basically what it is? >> well, they think they're-- my frogs are too big. >> oh, is there restrictions on what size frog-- >> well, the only rules of this contest is that the frog be 4 inches and that it be a frog. >> well, that's a-- >> he certainly is 4 inches and it's a frog. >> and it's a frog and it certainly over-- how long is that frog all together? >> this frog-- well, the biggest ones >> jeez! >> and they have never ever been seen in any zoo in anywhere in the world ever. >> right. >> and i lived in cameroon for nine years-- >> right. >> and i saw one jump across the river. i knew about calaveras-- >> yeah. >> and in my mind i said, "calaveras, here i come!" >> you got a winner there. >> and it's my dream is close to coming to a reality. >> so why the controversy? why didn't they want you to enter these frogs? or some people-- >> first of all, they said that my frog would jump out into the audience and critically injure me of the spectators. [ laughter ] then they said that my frog would turn around and gobble up the competitors. [ laughter ] >> let's talk about that. is that possible? >> my frogs are very shy and timid. they would never turn around in front of thousands of people, in the middle of the day-- >> and eat another frog. >> and eat another frog. it would never ever happen. >> now, what does her ky eat? >> well, frog's are opportunistic, they'll eat anything that walks by them in the night and the right circumstances. but what we feed them are mice we try to vary their diet. >> you ought to send these frogs in nevada. aren't they having trouble with an infestation of what they call mormon crickets. have you heard about that? no. >> yes. >> they're huge about 2 inches long. >> yeah. they would do a good job with them, i'm sure. >> yeah, so they finally relented and said it was all right. >> yes, well what they're doing is they have a jumping pad if you look at this and if you would, johnny, like to hold this-- >> not really. no i-- [ laughter ] >> well, you just hold him like this. just hold him right behind there like that. >> allht so you don't drop him. there you go. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> this frog is disqualified. apparently i just didn't have the right grip on him. i didn't want to-- maybe i grabbed him too tight. >> no. [ laughter ] >> if somebody grabbed me there i'd do that also. >> i'm sorry about that. >> no, that's all right. don't worry about that. this will come out of your check tonight. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> but the thing is, is what their saying is that-- >> yeah. >> to have a starting pad, which is 8 inches in diameter-- >> right. >> and what they're saying is i can jump my frogs to fit in the starting pad. so i do have some small ones that do. >> i see. >> and so the large ones they want me to jump every day for demonstration jump to see with "guinness book of world records" to measure the world's longest jump of a frog. my biggest frogs, they don't really fit on-- >> they don't fit on there. not too much. >> you know, even if we push them in, they still don't fit so-- actually, what calaveras would like me to do is jump my smallest frogs. >> ahh. you don't want to do that, of course. >> well, i-- you know, for fair play and all that sort of thing-- >> somebody else was says they were worried that these frogs would get loose in this country-- is something i understand, they don't breed in this country. >> well, these frogs die in-- they're from the equator so they die in temperatures below 40 degrees. and it's not found in anywhere here. >> there's not such a thing as frogs steroids are there? >> no. people always-- >> nothing personal. >> no, no. people always ask me-- >> i didn't want to insinuate you were boosting the frogs. >> people always ask me if i did that. >> yeah. >> if i do that. and no, they're just the largest frogs in the world. they were first discovered by the early french explorers in the late 18th century. >> yeah. >> but they've never been in any zoo or any been kept alive ever before. and-- >> i understand what we're going to do tonight-- >> we're going to jump the fro off after this. >> okay, it's a jump off. not a frog off. a jump off. [ laughter ] >> i brought-- >> it should've been call forwarding also. [ laughter ] [ applause ] call waiting. [ applause ] >> i brought you a little frog. >> i understand your brought me a normal frog. >> yeah, i got it at calaveras so-- actually, it's a really big bull frog. >> okay, let's do this-- a commercial first and then we'll come back and see how this >> against a frog. >> the one i got. okay. stay where you are. we'll be right back, folks. [ music ] [ applause ] okay, folks, here we are at the frog meet! [ applause ] okay. obviously, we're in front of someone's home here. now, you've got her ky and you brought me a frog? >> well, i brought you a frog that we caught at calaveras county. it's a big bull frog. >> okay. >> should i give it to you? >> yh, the first time we've met, folks, so who knows? >> this is the one you'll be jumping. >> well, good lord, this is nothing. [ laughter ] this is nothing! although, he does look a little like jim bakker. [ laughter ] >> and this is the one i'll be jumping. >> does this seem fair, folks? [ laughter ] now, what are the-- we said that-- >> well, what we do, from the beginning of the first to the end of the third jump. so, if you want to-- >> you say the best of three jumps? they get one jump? >> one, two, three. >> oh, three hops. >> and then we measure that distance and whoever goes the furthest distance in three jumps-- >> in the three jumps? >> wins the contest. >> you cannot touch the frog once we put it down? >> well, you can when it's on the starting pad but you can't touch it once it makes the first jump. >> but you can encourage the frog? >> absolutely. >> all right. >> and here's what we're going to do. >> have you had more frog? i haven't the slightest idea. [ laughter ] do what you might add? >> okay, i guess we'll do it on three. three. >> go, baby! >> whoa! >> hey! ho! [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> obviously, i won. he jumped somewhere in the studio. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i think he's behind the box over there. this is fascinating. good luck over in calaveras county. >> thank you very much. >> one more time? okay. >> was he doing something? >> he was hiding, yeah. >> well just there, i mean-- >> yeah, he did something. >> sure. >> when this guy does something-- it's really something! >> okay, one more time. >> okay, here we go. okay. >> ha! ho! [ cheers ] [ applause ] thank you much! andy kaufman! we'll be right back. stay with us. [ music ] all right. [ applause ] it's been a while since we've seen my next guest. i'm a big fan of his. tony will be appearing on "a night of 100 stars." do we have the list of the other 99? that's way too long. [ laughter ] that's way too long. oh, it's on this network? >> oh, it's a great special. >> you should do four hours. >> yeah. >> it airs right here on nbc-- a big three hour show. it will seem just like four! [ laughter ] that's on may 21st. would you welcome mr. tony randall. [ music ] [ applause ] well, my my my. [ cheers ] it has been-- it has-- >> hello. >> it's been a passel of years, hasn't it? >> since we've been together? >> yes, almost. i don't know what a passel is-- it's a midwest term. >> passel is a little pass in a mountain. a passat. >> i thought that was a passat? [ laughter ] you know the guy told me who was out here? mr. kaufman a moment ago? he says, "i met mr. randall backstage and he knows about frogs." and i said, "that does not surprise me," because you have a vast knowledge or a working knowledge of a lot of different subjects, don't you? seriously. >> my knowledge of frogs is mainly culinary. >> wow. [ laughter ] you know, a family of five could eat off one of those legs. [ laughter ] for a long time. >> a lot of people won't eat frogs. >> i'm not a-- >> but i will. >> i'm not a fan of frogs. >> you don't like it? >> not really. they always say it tastes like chicken, right? it's always what people say. >> and chicken's better. is that true? >> so i eat chicken. >> yeah. >> if something tastes like chicken, why should i eat a frog? [ laughter ] well, is that true? >> yes! >> if you like chicken, why fool around with a frog? >> that's right. >> so. >> you have a well taken point >> well taken, it's just a point. but, if it's well taken or not well taken. actually-- >> do you watch the commercials on your show? >> yes, why? >> i don't believe you. >> i watch them if i'm watching the show at home. i don't normally watch them while we're in the studio, here. >> no, you're busy. >> extremely. >> well, your first commercial tonight was the john deere commercial. >> oh, yes. >> yes. and i hadn't seen it this year. but the one last year-- do you remember it? [ laughter ] >> i usually get brought up to date on these things-- [ laughter ] in the john deere commercial. i just missed it this week. >> yeah. >> what was it last year? >> you were on the grounds of a convent. do you remember that? >> no. >> yes. and the mother superior stood near the camera talking and the background, a nun was mowing the lawn and the mother superior said, "since we've gotten this new john deere power mower, sister peaceful can mow the lawn in the time it used to take four men to do it." and then she would-- the sister in the back would drive up to the mother superior and say, "mother superior, how long will this machine last?" and the mother superior said, "no man knows, only he does." [ laughter ] that was the commercial. >> you must be a very lonely person. [ laughter ] you know. to spend your time-- >> that's the truth. >> to spend your time just logging these memories in your-- and that's what you do at nights? you sit and look at commercials and then come up to somebody a year later and say, "do you remember the john deere have you seen-- >> you have a very retentive mind, don't you? >> only for commercials. have you seen the metamucil one? [ laughter ] uh, guys-- >> oh! yes! >> yeah. >> yeah, the lady sang, "i want to get caught on the bus." >> that's right! >> and hope that it doesn't kick in-- boo-ah! >> yeah! that's the one i meant! [ laughter ] >> she says everything but that. >> yeah. >> you know. >> yeah. the guy says, "what? me take a laxative? sure. and have it kick in on the bus?" not a pretty sight. not a pretty sight. imagine, on a crowded bus. >> oh, yeah. that's what they're trying-- >> yeah. >> that's what they're trying to conjure up-- >> yeah, yeah. >> i'm sure. >> and then one of them is a school teacher, "hope it doesn't happen in class." >> that's right. >> yeah. >> yeah. well, the advertisers prey on your fears. >> that's right. >> that's why they sell products. >> that's right. >> do you use a deodorant at all? >> yes. >> now, why do you use a deodorant? >> i don't know because i-- >> most people-- now, i'm going to just-- most people do not need to use an underarm deodorant if you bathe everyday regularly, normally, only a few people have that problem. that's true. oh, come on. you see? you've been brainwashed. >> that's right. >> you've been brainwashed. or arm washed. one of the two. [ applause ] that's true. if you bathe-- >> that's right. >> and then take normal hygienic procedures, it's not necessary to use a deodorant. >> and some of us think that people smell better without it. [ cheers ] >> the smelly group up here-- what do you think? [ laughter ] this subject anyway? has it been five years since you've been here? >> no. >> oh, yes. what? >> no. a couple years. >> five years. >> you know how many-- no, no, no. >> somebody said it was 1985. >> that's right. with you. >> that would be five years. i know you were here one night when i was ill. >> yes. >> and you were here with jay, i believe. >> do you know how many times i've been on? >> i would guess-- let me just take a little guess-- 50? >> ninety-five. >> it only seems like 50. [ laughter ] is that right? >> yeah. >> first, somebody told me it was 1965. >> that's right. >> was that the year you started? >> no, we started in 1962. >> no, i was on your first year. i think. >> okay. >> i may be wrong. i may be wrong. >> no, you're probably right. >> no, no. >> you know these things. >> no, no. >> if you remember a john deere commercial a year ago-- [ laughter ] i'm not going to argue about the first year you were on the show. got a new word for me tonight? usually you come in-- you are-- what is a lover of words? what is-- is there a word for that? who loves vocabulary? and the meaning of words? >> yes, i suppose logophilia. i don't know. >> a little sapphire is a great-- whatever it is, you know. >> oh, yes. he's great. >> a marvelous column. >> i found a marvelous word for you. >> all right. >> if you-- you might be able to figure it out. but it's a cruel commentary on the human race that this word is obsolete. >> now, that's a clue, obviously, right. >> no. >> is that the word, obsolete? >> no. >> oh, i see. [ laughter ] damn! i had that one. what is the word? >> it's easy to figure out what it means. >> imbellious. well, the prefix is i-m or e-m? >> i-m. >> meaning not possible-- not bellious. bellicose? >> that's right! >> not war-like. >> not war-like and that word is obsolete. doesn't that hurt? >> imbellious. >> yeah. >> yeah. there's no need for that word in our civilization. not war-like. >> now, that's interesting. >> yeah. thank you. [ applause ] >> what else is happening? >> did you figure it out? >> welf >> yes. >> sometimes, that helps. >> yes, that is exactly right. >> bellious sounds like bellicose. >> yes or imbellic. imbellic or imbellious. >> or imbellicose, i suppose. is there such a word? >> umbellicose? >> imbellicose. >> no. >> i see. you couldn't say imbellicose. >> i suppose you could. >> but you'd be wrong. >> it wouldn't matter since it's obsolete. >> someone might mention, "but it would be wrong." [ laughter ] too far back. >> you asked me once-- >> you got to be careful. you got to be careful. you never change. you know, you are remarkable. you always look the same. >> so do you. >> you never seem to age. >> no, i don't. [ laughter ] >> you mean you really don't age? >> no. >> are you going to pull a dorian gray someday? and all of a sudden, just over night? >> no, i have no sense of it, whatsoever. you ask me what i'm up to. >> i thought you went into a seance or just for a moment. [ laughter ] well i knew you were going on broadway? >> i was on broadway. >> not a "madame butterfly." >> "m. butterfly." oh, that closed but that was-- >> i understand you were marvelous. >> well, that's not for me to say. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> were you marvelous? >> i don't know. i really don't know. i do know that it was the best i've ever been. in my whole life. >> well that's-- >> that does happen. an actor finds a role that just suits him. it just was-- >> but you've had great success in a lot of mediums. radio. >> mm-hmmm. >> mmhmmm. >> theater and television. that in itself is a remarkable-- >> yes. >> how many people get to work all those different-- what is the word i want? media venues? >> did you work much in radio? >> no, i was a disc jockey, but i did not do the kind of stuff you did where you actually appeared on dramas and serial shows-- >> yes. >> and that type of thing. playing various characters, no. >> yeah. >> but those days are gone. you don't hear that stuff anymore. although, some stations here in california will play from time to time, the early radio shows-- >> i know it. >> late '30's and-- >> i'm on them and we don't get [ laughter ] >> well, i know those-- >> i was on a show called "i love a mystery." >> i remember. >> and that's on all the time on these radio stations and-- >> do you get a kick out of listening to them though? >> no. no. >> really? >> no, i never appreciate-- i just-- >> you don't live in the past, huh? >> no, not a bit. but in radio, there was a firm in new york named air features-- do you remember that? >> no, i do not. >> well, they had 17 soap operas on. all a lot of them by one couple. what was there-- do you remember their names? that used to write like-- >> irna phillips. >> it was a team and-- freddie? do you remember? freddy was there when they had drums. [ laughter ] when the only method of communication was that you'd hit drums and freddie-- >> well, if you worked for this firm, you might work on all 17-- >> yeah. >> of their soap operas. >> do you run from one studio-- >> yes, and you could make a good living just from that. but if anyone of their directors didn't like you, from all their shows. >> well, that's-- yeah. >> they had a director named martha atwell and i'm sure many of my contemporaries remember her. she was a difficult and frightening woman. >> yeah. >> and you rehearsed for an hour-- that's all. >> right. >> and she would sit looking at the clock. and as it ticked to the moment when you started, she'd say, "page one." she wouldn't look at you as you came into the studio. if you came in one second was playing your part. >> wow. >> you were out. >> and you were a young actor at the time? >> yep. >> so, she terrified people and i had a friend, carpenter and he acted on all of these shows. he was drafted and within six weeks of being drafted, he was in combat. that's unusual-- >> right. >> but it happened. and he was in the battle of the bulge and he was in a fox hole and it was filling up with water. enemy tanks were going right over his head. and the sergeant kept yelling, "don't fall asleep!" and you can-- not matter-- the fact that war is going on around you after 24 hours, you'll fall asleep. >> yeah. >> and the guy kept yelling, "don't fall asleep!" but he fell asleep and he woke up with a screaming nightmare. he dreamed he was late for a xxmartha atwell-- [ laughter ] >> that's a tough lady. [ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] okay, as i mentioned earlier-- miss, uh-- this next young lady is one of the stars of "twin peaks," which is a very interesting, intriguing night time mystery-- some people might call it a soap opera. would you welcome please lara flynn boyle. lara! [ music ] [ applause ] nice to see you! you were supposed to be with us the other night but we ran long so i thank you for coming back. >> oh, gosh. it's the chance of a lifetime. >> oh, i've seen "twin peaks" a number of times. it's a very interesting, almost bizarre in certain aspects-- >> you've seen it? >> oh, yeah. yeah. sure have. you enjoy it? >> yeah, it's quite an experience. it's a nice large cast. we have a lot of fun shooting it. >> and you are-- >> yes, i play laura palmer's best friend. >> and it all revolves around that, doesn't it? it's a continuing kind of drama. >> pretty much so. pretty much so. but considering there's such a large cast-- >> yeah. >> it varies. >> it's a good show. >> yeah, so far, so good. >> didn't the season finale just finish-- or it's coming up? >> no, we have, i think three more episodes. >> three more? >> yeah. >> i'm right on top of things. [ laughter ] yeah. do people stop you and do the silly thing, "well, you look just like you look on television?" or "you look different than you look on television?" >> i'm pretty different from donna hayward, yeah >> yeah. >> we look a little bit alike, but she dresses differently. >> yeah. >> that's about it. >> where did you start your career? you're only what-- 20 years old? >> i'm 20. >> yeah, where did you start your acting career? >> well, i've been wanting to do this since i was three. i started in chicago. >> right. >> yeah. >> but in local theater? >> in local theaters and then i went on to performing arts high school. >> yeah. what did you do-- we talked to tony a lot about what do actors and actresses do when they're not working. they always usually hold strange jobs or sales clerk or they work at mcdonald's waitressing. i worked with some people at place called ann sather's. and in chicago every year they have the taste of chicago. >> right. >> and we used to go and-- work at the taste of chicago, which is about 100,000 people come-- >> right. >> through the weekend and you serve them food. but i was very fortunate-- i'm very close with the owner of the restaurant. >> right. >> so i could spill food in trays and food-- >> just hang in there? >> just sort of laugh and say, "sorry!" you know. >> that's not a bad training job if you want to be an actress, you get close to a lot of-- >> i guess so. >> different peopl to los angeles? or did you come here first? >> no, i came here-- i promised my mom that i wouldn't come here until i graduated from high school. >> good move. >> yes. >> would you find young ladies-- you always-- you probably get letters from people. you know, they told me i was in a school play, i should come to hollywood for fame and fortune or new york. you say, stay through high school-- at least that, right? >> well, i don't know-- if i didn't have my mom, i probably would've moved out. >> yeah. >> right away. >> your mother said-- >> yes. >> don't leave high school. >> right, so i stayed in chicago and then i graduated from high school and moved to la. [ laughter ] >> all by yourself? >> well, i moved out by myself and my mom said she would come in a few months and i was-- i stayed for about three weeks and i kept calling her and crying on the phone. >> mmhmmm. >> "please come out." so finally, she came out a few weeks later. >> it's awful tough coming out to this town like this and trying to find work, isn't it? >> well, it's not as tough finding work but it's tough keeping a family and keeping friends-- >> yeah. >> because hollywood can really offer a for a short period of time. >> you're right. like what? >> well, you know, it's if you're a young girl and you're talented-- >> right. >> and you're cute, you know-- >> yeah. you're all of those things. >> well, so far. but you know, they're willing to tell you how great you are and that. it's nice to have your family around who are honest with you. >> yeah, can you tell the people who are giving you those kind of flattering accolades that they're not sincere. >> producers. people, you know, who say they can get you a job or you know. commercials. >> yeah, i did a lot of print ads and i did a commercial for fruit roll-ups or something and-- >> fruit loops? >> fruit roll-ups. yeah. and i was out there-- >> you probably remember that, don't you, tony? [ laughter ] the only man that would know the commercial fruit roll-ups-- but you missed that one, huh? >> no, no. >> you remember that? >> yes, yes, of course. >> no, you don't. [ laughter ] >> i almost bought that. so you did a few print things? >> yeah. >> what was your first teleon >> oh, i did a miniseries called "america." >> yeah. >> yeah, i did that. which is pretty amazing because i had never done anything, you know, in tv-- >> right. >> and they cast me in and told me to pack up my bags for nine months. >> right. >> you know, the day after i got it, so. i've been very fortunately. >> yeah. now, is your mom still out here or are you on your own? >> she's in the green room. yes. >> oh, is she really? >> yeah, there's about six people just praying that i didn't trip when i walked out. [ laughter ] >> tell me something-- so somebody said you've got a dog but i didn't understand this. >> yeah, i-- named bella and she has several little stuffed animals and i was in new york once and i bought her an $80 stuffed animal. and i went up to the cashier and i said, "you know, this is really horrible, but this is for my dog." you know. but she has a little chick that she carries around and she licks them. she thinks they're her babies. >> i think it's-- because i thought he had a live pet. >> oh, no! >> and somebody said he had his own pet and i said, "boy, that's really status." >> no. [ laughter ] >> dog has another dog. >> she might someday. >> that was my thinking! when you heard that? dog has his own pet? i thought it was like-- like a chicken. [ laughter ] no, not a chicken. [ music ] oh, we'll be right back. i'm a little goofy. we'll be right back. [ applause ] okay, folks! it was nice having you on the show. >> thank you. >> you said, you've been waiting to do the show a long time. you're a very lovely young lady. >> thank you. >> i wish you much success in your career. you said you're currently doing a picture with clint eastwood? >> yes. >> good for you. >> yes. >> come back and see us. >> i sure will. >> tony, you are appearing on "a night of 100 stars." >> yes. >> who are some of those other stars appearing with you on that three hour show? [ laughter ] >> there are a lot of them. [ laughter ] >> there's so many i suppose it's difficult to-- >> nope, he is. >> yes. >> okay. >> very good, too. she sings "the man who got away." and then there are 98 others. >> ninety-eight others. thank you, have a nice night. [ music ] [ applause ] ? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? ? three's company, too ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ? now, what is it you want to do for me? well... my dull, drab, dreary little bedroom and turned it into a wonderful, exciting beautiful little bedroom? where would you get the money? i got a bonus at work. it's not a huge bonus but i could put out an ad for an art student. a student? yeah, they work real cheap, mr. furley. and they know everything about interior decorating. i don't know, janet. oh, please, mr. furley. you know, to, um... oh, set a tone and create the mood. well, yeah, that's true. when you're the prince of passion you know all about bedrooms. i guess it's okay but you're liable for damages. okay, thank you! oh, mr. furley, thank you. i promise you won't regret this. if anybody stops here tomorrow about my ad just send them to my place. freeze! did you say you advertised before you even asked me? oh... oops... you caught me. well, see, i knew that it was going to be all right because you are such a wonderful person. ( chuckling ) oh, well, yeah, that's true. now, mr. furley don't say anything to chrissy. it's a surprise for her. you're going to redecorate o? paint around her while she's asleep? we're all supposed to go skiing this weekend but at the last minute i'm going to back out. then, by the time they get home, it will be all finished. ( chuckles ) you are a very sneaky person, you know that? thank you. and don't tell jack, either 'cause he'll just blab it out and spoil the surprise. oh, you don't have to worry about me. "loose lips sink ships." if you need any help with that room feel free to call on me. in fact, i've been working on this toaster here... i didn't say i fixed it. i just said i'd been working on it. let me help you. wasn't my fault. they didn't give me enough screws. oh, boy, chrissy, i can hardly wait till tomorrow. jack, how do i look? oh, suzy chapstick, eat your heart out. yeah, and you know when it gets really cold this ski cap makes into a ski mask. oh, let's see. jack, i can't see! take it off! chrissy, hang on, watch out, watch out. oh, oh, that scared me. for a minute my whole life flashed in front of my eyes. what did you see? nothing, it was too dark. hi, guys! did you have a good time baby-sitting? oh, yeah, jack, i really love babies. and that little timmy, he is such a pussycat. i hope you changed his litter box. ( snorting ) jack, quit it! ( laughing ) you really like that little fellow, don't you? yeah, i do, jack, i do. i just have so much fun with him. you know, i smile at him and he smiles back and i tickle him and he laughs, "hee-hee-hee." hey, you've really spent a lot of time baby-sitting for gwen, haven't you? yeah, but i'm just trying to help out. it isn't easy having a baby by yourself. she had a baby by herself? boy, that's the hard way. it's also the dull way. jack... chrissy, she didn't have the baby by herself. she hired a father. she what?! she hired a father. she put this ad at the medical school you know, where she works for a man who was intelligent and healthy, to... you know... to... help her out. and some guy showed up? uh-huh, chrissy, not "guy," "guys," a lot of them. yeah, well, you'd be surprised at how many men in this world are willing to do a good deed. boy, it sure sounds strange to me. you mean weird. try and understand this, okay? have a husband and not a child. and some women don't want a child or a husband just a dog. some people are allergic to dogs. some dogs are allergic to people. that's they run away. cats are nice, except if you have a bird. birds are okay, but you have to clean their cage every day. but husbands like birds because they don't talk back. you know, i had this hamster once... come on, girls, let's go! oh, good. janet, where's your suitcase? suitcase? what would i need a suitcase for? well, you'll look pretty silly carrying your underwear around in your hands. oh, no... oh, no, is this the ski weekend? oh, i forgot. what do you mean you can't go?! we've planned this weekend for weeks! look, i'm really sorry, guys. i have something real important to do. so, so, what are we standing here for? come on, chrissy, get your suitcase. you'll just have to go without me. you better get going. you're going to miss your bus. it's almost 10:00. ( doorbell rings ) there you go, oh... hi, i'm here about the ad. ad? we didn't place an ad. i did, chrissy. come in, please? hello. make yourself comfortable. i'll be with you in just one little moment. come on, jack, get going. have fun... wait a minute, wait a minute. what did you advertise for? oh, didn't i tell you? no. oh, it must have slipped my mind. ah, well, see, here it is. we have been so busy down at the flower shop, just swamped and i need an assistant. flower shop? i thought... ( laughs nervously ) wait a minute. is that going to take all weekend? oh, yeah, probably, sure. you know how hard it is to find the right person for a job. i want to take my time and find just the right man. well, suppose you find the right person right away? well, in that case, chrissy, i'll... don't know what i'll do. i'll probably just spend the rest of the weekend in bed. so come on, guys, get going. go on, have fun! but i wanted you to go. next time. now you all have fun! both: good-bye! whew, they fell for it. oh, hi, you two. hi, mr. furley. going skiing? no, we're going to harpoon some guppies. where's janet? she's upstairs, she couldn't go. oh, that's right, i forgot. wait a minute. did she tell you she wasn't going? n-n-no... the furley lips are sealed. tick a lock! chrissy, something very strange is going on. yeah. what? just think a minute. okay, but it doesn't always work. she's known about this trip for weeks. why didn't she say last night she wasn't going? well, 'cause she was so busy arguing about having babies and hiring fathers. and then this morning, a guy shows up about some ad. and she wants to spend the weekend in bed... oh, my god...! and she told us to have a good time. what are you talking about? chrissy, don't you see? she's not hiring an assistant. she's hiring a father. don't be silly, janet already has a father. she doesn't have a baby! that's what fathers are for. come on, chrissy, let's get back up there. i just hope it's not too late. you're living? - mrs. roper, i've been on my own now for three years and i like it that way, and i guess they do, too. - they do? - sure, i mean, they've got more important things on their minds like my dad, he's up north someplace trying to find himself. - and your mother? - i haven't seen her in years. one day she baked a tray of cookies and just took off. - why? - i don't know, the cookies she left like that, to be all alone? - not really, she makes friends easily. - but how did she get into your storeroom? - uh, mrs. roper left a window open. do you want to go to the market with me? - no thanks, i'm waiting for daddy, he's bringing a book home about sex. - what? - really? - yeah, my mommy said it will help him do the job right. - huh? - well, hello david. - hi, dad. - i hope he hasn't been bothering you. - no, we've been having a nice chat. - i was talking to david. come along son. talking about? - sex. - david! - did mr. roper say anything interesting? - ann? - he told me what happened when he and mrs. roper went upstairs. - he did what? - they hadir - you want the last donut? - no. - ok. so um, you never had any kids? - no. - me neither. - jenny. think it would've been nice. - nah, kids can be a pain. take me for instance - yeah, you, what about you? - oh, i'm a pain. i mean, i'm always yelling about being independent and on my own and everything, but then i get mad because there's no one around to give me a hug when i'm really feeling low. - well, everybody needs a hug now and then. - nah, i'm a nerd. - you don't know what a how old are you anyway? - old enough to be your mother. [telephone ringing] of course i was a child bride. hello? oh stanley, where are you? - i'm in the shopping center - so what else is new? did you call the tow truck? - tow truck? why don't i just call a mugger and hand him my wallet. no, you gotta come down here and get me. - how? - ask that girl to drive you. - jenny, oh that's a good idea. - right, and she can keep right on driving. - nerd. bucks if it's a cent. - can i take a look at it? - you? what are you gonna do, tie it together with your suspenders? i'll have joey look at it tomorrow, maybe he can do something. - yeah, he can haul it away to the nearest dump. - hey, hey, don't make it worse. - that's impossible, stanley. - hey, be careful, you'll dent it. - wanna try it now? - it was the carburetor. - oh yeah, well, i was gonna look at that next. come on, helen. - no, i'll ride home with jenny. - oh, maybe you oughtta go along with mr. roper, i'll just take off now. - well, aren't you going to come back and have some brunch? - what about mr. roper? - he can have some, too. - well, did you enjoy brunch stanley? - never ate so fast in my life. - don't you like jenny? - she clears the table like a vacuum cleaner. - well, you see, you two have a lot in common. - where is she now? finished. - you know stanley, you know what i was thinking? - yes, and the answer is no. you'd like her to stay one more night wouldn't you, right? - wrong. i'd like her to stay as long as she wants to stay. [doorbell ringing] - what? you know you and my car have a lot in common, you're both firing on half your cylinders. word with you. - okay how about this one, goodbye. [applause] - stanley! oh mr. brooks, i'm so sorry, what did you want to see us about? - i want you to get rid of that female rose thief! through playing games here? young lady, i think you should hear this, too. good lord she's wearing suspenders. - what do you got in mind, brooks? - i think you should bear in mind that the tenants of royal dale townhouses are reputable people. - well, stanley and i are - are exceptions. are are you going to send her packing or not? - that's for me to decide and you to find out. - but she's riffraff. could you talk that way in front of jenny? jenny? oh, her bag was right there. jenny? oh stanley, she's gone! - and good riddance. - now look what you've done, you made her feel unwanted, and - oh no you did not! - yeah, brooks just helped me decide, i mean, there's a lot of great things that jenny did she she fixed your neck, she fixed my car, she ruined brooks' rosebush. - you really wanted her to stay? - cross my heart, i was going to tell her tonight, she could stay as long as she wants. - i accept! thank you! - oh my neck! - oh jenny [laughs] we thought you were gone. - well, i had to get my toothbrush first. - oh my neck. - well, you see jenny, we need you. - well, i wouldn't want to walk - sit down mr. roper. - oh - helen, helen, my neck [applause] [ doorbell rings ] i'll get it. ooh. in the name of the elders of mandor prepare to die! what? take this gorgo and this gorgo. ( screaming ) wait. no. i'm not gorgo! you're not? no. so, this isn't the fortress of wolfrick? no, this is 133 collins road. i'm sorry. am i embarrassed. so you're not going to kill me? no, no, no. there's been a terrible mistake. we recently merged with another horde and the interdepartmental communication has been horrible. i'm sorry to trouble you. oh, that's okay. it was no trouble.