[ music ] the reason doc is not here tonight he came by a little earlier. He had to go to the dentist the other day. I donow going to the dentist is no fun, and he had a root canal for it, and he came back. He looked like a squirrel storing up nuts for the summer. [ laughter ] he tried to come in last night, so tom is filling in. If you just joined us we have betty white, jeff sideman. The mighty carson art players, and this man who is very funny. Comedian and actor. Just finished a movie called the best little whore house in texas. You see. Now, years ago you couldnt have said that. No. Youd have to say the best little house of fun. Couldnt have said that at all. No. Hell be performing at the westbury music fair on long island for one week starting november the 17th, and then hell be at valley forge, pennsylvania for a week starting december the 1st. Thats a cold time to be there as George Washington will tell you. [ laughter ] washington was also at valley forge, but not in a round. [ laughter ] what . When he was addressing the troops he was in the round. No. No. Washington always liked the proscenium stage. He never worked a round. Would you would you welcome dom deluise . [ music ] [ applause ] is that thats amazing. We almost didnt make it. You know. [ laughter ] oh, jeez. Wonderful. Yes. You put the joke in about the horse, and the mule, and just whatever. And then it doesnt work, and you laugh, and you make a living from not getting laughs. Thats right. [ laughter ] hes goes you do what you have to do. I know. I know. Thats nice when you come out. Italians are known for touching. I mean, embracing. I did without any feeling of being non macho. You know. Oh, are you kidding . Hey. Woah. No, i you know, i know what its from. I just did a movie where i spent eight weeks with people, and yod i didnt i didnt even think that i was kissing. Well, you werent kissing, but its nice to hug. Oh, hugging. You know, i see burt. I bite him. You know, on the ear, and stuff like that. Generally men dont do that in this country. Well its nice just to. Im going no. No. No. No. Play the same music. [ laughter ] dom deluise. [ applause ] [ laughter ] johnny, how are you . How you doing, john . [ laughter ] its nice to be here on the tonight show. [ laughter ] do you ever notice the more macho guys especially in football. Theres a lot of back yes. They touch. Oh, they had a wonderful time with me. The whole team could grab my at the same time. [ laughter ] theres room for everybody. You have been working on the picture the best little whore house in texas. Yes. Based on the broadway play with dolly parton. Yes. Oh, i have fallen in love with her. Shes a nice lady. She really is a nice gal. Talented. Dear. Sweet. Shes wonderful. You know, when i met her it took me about three days to get to know that she was pretty because, couldnt get past her neck. [ laughter ] you know what i mean . This is me looking at her. Can you see . This is me looking at her. Hello, dolly. [ laughter ] like a little puppy. You know. [ laughter ] i mean, shes gorgeous. She is ample as they say. Ample. The fact that she can stand up straight, i think, is really wonderful. [ laughter ] you know what i mean . Yeah. And sometimes she jogs to work, and i have a big problem black eyes. [ laughter ] john, im not making this up. This is some and she has tiny little feet. [ laughter ] she does. Nothing grows in the shade. [ laughter ] [ applause ] how many thats it. Thats it. Thats it. Thats it. Thats it. No. How many more of these descriptive jokes do you have . Is that about covered . That doesnt cover it because okay. [ laughter ] now, the name. People who are not familiar with that title would sound like thats a racey rather well, it is racey. You can refer to it as the chicken ranch if you like. Its less offensive. I think people do kind of straighten up, and say, oh, you know, you cant talk about that movie, but its a movie about human feelings, and its not offensive at all. No. There is nudity, but its not offensive to me. Yeah. I like that stuff, you know. [ laughter ] right . Yes. Did you have to did you have to work in this picture . Songs. Clothing. No. I wear clothes, but everybody else is nude. [ laughter ] not everybody. No. Not everybody. Not every single person, but theres a whole theres a raid on the chicken ranch that i that my character, melvin p. Thorpe, does, and i run in there, and kind of upset everybody in the middle of the night while theyre, you know, having chicken, and [ laughter ] they get surprised. Do you feel its like people they say if you went to a nude beach, embarrassed. You tell ive been to a club. Have you been to a nudist place . No. No. All nude people. Have you . Dont lie. [ laughter ] i know. I know. He said, one. One night. No. I never have. Well, all right. You know what happens . The first thing you do is take off your clothes because you dont want those people looking at you. [ laughter ] really. I tell you. Its only just that. You know, and then of course now, did you feel uncomfortable in this movie . They played volleyball when i was at the nudist camp, and then you dont you just your head. You get such a pain. [ laughter ] you dont know what to look at . Oh. Ah. Woah. Look at that. [ laughter ] you know, you get a neck it hurts your neck. Its terrible. What were you doing at a nudist camp to begin with . Steve allen said, would you like to interview nude people, and i said, no, so i did, and it was rather touching. It was really sweet. I mean, it was it turned out to be very nice. It wasnt they were all lovely people. You know. And now you talked about your father on the show a lot. Yes. How would your father have my father. Yeah. You mean seeing nude nudity, and i think he would have liked dolly a lot. I think [ laughter ] well. You know, because he liked meat and potatoes. [ laughter ] would you take now, what would your dad say . I mean he would say this. I no like this, and hed say, lets go. Hed say, just a minute. [ laughter ] i want to get this in my brain because i gonna [ laughter ] he would oh, sure. He would laugh. I think. He wasnt puritanical then. No. No. What does that mean . [ laughter ] well, you know. The puritan ethic type of thing. Well, he used to talk about witches. He said that once a witch got him. My father was very superstitious. Yeah. And he said that once a witch put a spell on him, and he says, i no can be with a gal. Understand, and i said, no could be with a girl. I said, a witch did that . He said, yes, but then i said, okay. He really thought the witch yes. He thought a girl made him, you know, for about a year he said he was impotent because a witch had put a curse on him. Because a witch, so he would have loved this. His impotence would have gone very quickly. Yes. I can see that. From meeting dolly. Okay. Can i talk about dolly for a moment . Yeah. Ive got to do a commercial first. Because i went trick or treating with her, and id like to tell you about that. Well, id like to hear about it. We can can we do this first . Yeah. Oh, sure. Okay. Say money right . You can say money. Sure. [ laughter ] say money. Yeah. Well be right back after this. [ music ] [ applause ] were talking with dom deluise, and betty white is here, and jeff siemon, and were going to seinfeld, and the mighty carson art players will perform later. Now, were talking about dolly parton. Well, we got to be friends on this movie, and had you ever met her before . Or outside of just i met her. I met her once at a meeting but theres something about here. You know when you meet somebody, and then you start realizing that she is as sweet as you think she is . Yeah. And then its a revelation to you, so on thanksgiving i said, im going to go trick or treating with my kids, and she said, oh. Why would you go on thanksgiving . [ laughter ] because i made a mistake. How sweet of you to mention it. [ laughter ] i thought it was a new italian holiday i wasnt familiar with. That you went out later than the rest of us. Ah, im sorry. You went on halloween. Give me a break. Halloween. Good. Right. Thats before thanksgiving. Yes. [ laughter ] you dirty rat. All right, so anyway. Its that part when you get dressed up funny, and you ask for candy. Yeah. Halloween. Halloween, so i said, im going to go out trick or treating with my kids, and she said, can i come, and i said, really . Well, you know dolly is very recognizable with the hair, and all the rest of her, so im going to dress up, so anyway. She came to my house. Right . She walked in, and i didnt recognize her. She was a pregnant hillbilly. She had on a she was pregnant. You know, with a pillow. Right. And she had on freckles, and her hair was kind of wherever it was. I dont know, but it was she had like a big bandana on her head. She had eyebrows like groucho marx, and she had pencil marks, and red, red cheeks. Big red lips, and every other tooth was blacked out. This is something she wanted to do. This is dolly parton. Well, now. Prince with a purple cape, and stuff, and so we went out with my kids, so theres a little kid, david. He was a beat up bum with you know, he was a bum, and michael was a motorcycle guy, so we opened the door. I mean, the person came and said or one guy said, isnt there an age requirement . [ laughter ] because im a big person. Right, so then another guy gave out candy to david, candy to michael, and then he looked, [ laughter ] gave her candy, you know, and then and in fact max was there, so there was another kid. Now theres a guy who gives out pomegranates. Right, so hes got a tree, and hes got pomegranates, so he gave one pomegranate to me. Looked a little funny. Sighed. Gave one to david, one to max, one to and then he gave two to dolly. [ laughter ] i thought that was sweet. Cute. But we did it for an hour. [ laughter ] we did it for an hour and a half, and im telling you. We went its like going back to childhood. Ive never done that. Usually im saying, david, get away from that bush. Michael, give him back his candy. And youre out there dressed up in a purple cape. I was in a purple cape, and i had a great time. It was wonderful. Were all children at heart. Well, you wouldnt do that. Would you dress up funny . [ laughter ] and go to peoples house in disguise. You couldnt disguise yourself. Im not a big costume person. I dont generally like costume parties, and ill tell you why. On the crazy costume. I go naked with a raisin in my [ laughter ] you know what im saying . People put on outlandish outfits. You know there, and the first 30 seconds everybody goes, oh, thats hysterical, and youre stuck the rest of the night in that stupid outfit. [ laughter ] after everybody has seen it, and youve got to walk around that way the rest of the night. Yeah, but you have to drink, and take drugs. [ laughter ] but a good costume. You know, to keep up the fun, but a very good costume is a raisin. You put a raisin in your navel. You walk in forward, and you are a raisin cookie. If the raisin fall you turn around. You become a pocket house roll. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you go to you go to a different level of parties than i do. Obviously. [ laughter ] well, Elizabeth Taylor does that. Somebody told me. She gets dressed up, and oh, yeah. With a raisin . Get with it, john. Get with it. Yes. Elizabeth taylor dresses up, and goes, and gets candy. Thats how she gained. I mean, the fun part. Shes brilliant in her show little foxes. Really. Yeah. I havent seen it yet. And maureen stapleton. Oh, you havent seen it . No. Its really good. Its about this family that wants to kill each other. [ laughter ] its a lot of laughs. You know. [ laughter ] speaking of your family. Do you get together on holidays . I mean, outside of i do. We get together. I love my family. I just love them. I really feel very blessed. I mean, i got i have a job, and then i go home, and i have a family, and i love it. Thats great. You know, its a little scary because thanksgiving is coming up. Im going to be in new york, and we tend to eat until somebody dies. Oh. [ laughter ] you mean you really binge it out on thanksgiving. Oh, please. You know what an antipasto is . All those wonderful things, and then theres a soup, and theres sausage, and then a wonderful soup, and you know. Its escrow great, you know, and already youre getting a little sleepy from the soup, and then lasagna, and then when you make the sauce theres, you know, meatballs and sausages, and then that comes on. You know, a little salad, and then they bring out a turkey, and they go, following the lasagna and sausage with a turkey . You dont eat no. You just have a little bit until finally the bird just somebody. Bite me. [ laughter ] we have no use for the bird. We have no used for the bird. The bird becomes the centerpiece. Thats right. Its a centerpiece. Thats it. You know what i mean . All right. Were going to take a little break here. Fabulous. Then we will be back. Yes. Well, we dont know. It could be fabulous, but then the mighty carson art players. Th well, well find out. [ music ] thank you, tommy. Many americans are upset by a recent Court Decision that made videotaping of tv shows at home illegal. Now, the mighty carson art players would like to show you what that decision could lead to if the government chose to enforce that law to the limits. The Us Ninth Circuit Court of appeals ruled that videotaping a tv show violates copyright laws, and is therefore a federal crime. The next day the enforcement of this court ruling is placed in the hands of a special Government Task force headed by well know federal agent elliott nielsen, and his video untouchables. [ music ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] this is video untouchables. Elliott nielson, federal agent in charge. Whats that . Thank you. Rico. Young blood. Get in here. [ laughter ] yes, chief. Yes, chief. I have just received an anonymous tip on the telephone. What is it, chief . Its that black instrument there on my desk. [ laughter ] no, chief. I think he meant what was the tip. Well, men. First you know it was bootleg now the most disgusting, deprived practice ever committed by a human being. What . Video taping tv shows in the home. Now, monday night football was heard coming out of this home tuesday morning. [ laughter ] six oclock news was heard coming out of this house at 9 30. Now, my informant informs me that at this very moment the Wilson Family is taping a Television Show in their own home. Its right here at the corner of schrumm and grant. Lets roll. [ laughter ] rico. I think this is your hat. No. Thats my hat. Give me my hat. This is your hat. No. This is give me his hat. [ music ] no. Thats my hat. They sped on their way to the sight of the alleged crime in progress. Rico, i told you to do that before you left the office. But i cant wait, chief. [ laughter ] not my hat. I said, give him your hat. Thats ricos hat. No. Thats my hat. Give me my hat. Whats wrong with you clowns . Rico, thats my give me my hat. [ music ] [ phone ringing ] [ applause ] hello . Hi, honey. Oh, you wont be able to be home is this phone safe . All right. Ill tape the ball game for you, and be careful coming home, honey. Yesterday they set up a video road block, and arrested the fergusons with a kilo of leave it to beaver reruns. [ laughter ] goodbye, honey. Are you kids done with your homework . Yes. Yes. We are. Can we watch the can we watch the program on tv . Oh, yes, hun, but just remember alrighty. Got your ammo . Draw your tv guides. [ laughter ] young blood. What time is it . 8 00 oclock, chief. Rico. Mmmhmm. Whats on . Magnum pi, mark and mindy, harper valley. Oh. Oh. Stella fights off the advances of cassies Old High School sweetheart at a class reunion. Just the names of the show, rico. Oh, look. [ laughter ] thats on cable. Oh, what time is it on . Youll say that until you hit puberty, young blood. . Its a Beautiful Day . . In this neighborhood . Wait a minute. What show is that . I know. I know. Young blood. Thats mr. Rogers neighborhood. I watch at 8 00 oclock every morning. A morning show being watched at night. Weve got ourselves a crime in progress here. Algh this is Elliot Nielson of the video untouchables. We know youre watching an illegal videotape in there. Oh, no. Its the heat. Quick. Stevie, get rid of the evidence. [ laughter ] freeze. [ applause ] remember, son. Always wash your hands afterwards like a good american. And always remember to put the seat down afterward. Never mind, rico. Mrs. Harriet wilson, youre under arrest for committing a federal crime. Video taping a Television Show for your own use. Elliot nielsen. Video untouchables. We have a search warrant. Rico. Young blood. You kids sit down there. Maybe youre untouchable, but im not. Why dont we get rid of these jerks, and you can show me the long arm of the law . [ laughter ] as a federal agent i took a solemn oath while on the job not to smoke, drink, or work up a sweat. [ laughter ] whats that in the toaster . Is ready. What is it . Its a panasonic danish. [ laughter ] kind of tasty, but a little bit on the stringy side. [ laughter ] my gut instinct tells me that youre hiding something. Well, suck in your gut instinct, snub nose. Im not hiding nothing. Oh, wait a minute. What do you got in there . Ah hah. Talk about the boob tube. [ laughter ] [ applause ] thats a blank tape. Theres nothing illegal in there, copper. Ill tell you. I promise you that thats that ought to shrivel your nightstick. [ laughter ] it appears to be a blank tape, mam. Well, youre right. Weve committed a weve committed a federal error. On behalf of rico, young blood, and myself. We like to send our heartiest even a federal officer can make a mistake. Well, beautiful little fishes youve got there. [ laughter ] hi, little fellow. A couple of your fish seem to be allegedly dead here. [ music ] wait a minute. All right. The video jig is up. Up against the wall. All right. Ill get you. [ laughter ] oh, elliot. Your hands feel so strong. Why dont we s in the other room, and i could snap your brim. [ laughter ] lady justice is the only broad that blocks my hat. Bookem. Beano. I mean, rico. Right, chief. Come on, kid. [ music ] chief. Chief. The hells angels are attacking the orphanage next door. Is anybody videotaping it . No. Then forget it. Were only concerned with serious crimes. All right. Rico, give me your hat. This is mrs. Wilsons hat. All right. Move along. Get out of here. Come on now. Hey. Thats my hat. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. [ applause ] Harriet Wilson was convicted in a federal court of conspiring to videotape the mr. Rogers tv show. [ music ] [ music ] thank you, tom. We are back, and we have ms. Betty white who will be out in a while. That was fun. That was hard work. A little ambitious for us. But it was good though. We get up, and we give it a shot. It was like a movie. Are you kidding me . It had sets, and shoot to film. Betty is going to come out, and be with us later. Right now is a very funny young man. Hes off to a very good start as a standup comedian, and hell be opening for Andy Williams december 8th through the 13th at the carlton in bloomington, minnesota. Would you wel