Pee wee herman theres a pee wee herman doll . [ laughter ] have you seen, seriously, the new jim and tammy dolls . [ laughter ] you wind em up. [ laughter ] tammy goes shopping, and jim makes a move on barbie. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] and the Jerry Falwell doll takes over the box. Anyway, youre in a good mood. We got great show for you tonight. We have a doozy tonight. A doozy . Mr. David steinberg, one of the cleverest man in the business. [ applause ] the comedienne making her first appearance on the tonight show, her name is jann karam. Jan is with us. And an interesting story, six or eight months was not an actor at all. But he was on a plane trip coming out, some guy talked to him, ended up doing a show called franks place. Don yesso is with us tonight. Stay where you all. Well be right back. [ music ] thank you. [ music ] good, thanks. Happy day after. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. Happy day after thanksgiving. Yes, sir. You have a nice one . Nice one, very nice. Today, i guess, is for retailers, or shop owners, is supposed to be the busiest day of the year for shopping. I guess they kind of calibrate how the season is gonna go by what happens today. According to the news, so ago, there was gonna be a disaster. Apparently people around there, spending their money like crazy. How many of you are going shopping just like you did last year . To hell with it. [ applause ] you know, you might as well. The big one may come tomorrow. You might as well go out and do it. Anyway, i guess the shopping malls were full today, and this is what is called the daily news. Came out thursday, november the 26. This was a gift guide. This is the paper, and look at the flyers. Gee. I cant find the news anymore when you get the paper. By the time you get through what they call these what do they call these . Blowins or something . Or insert sheets, these are all from different advertisers. This is just from one local paper for giftgiving. Uh, this year, according to figures, American Families will spend an average of what would you guess, on a Christmas Gift . Now, dont the average American Family . What do you think they would spend on a Christmas Gift . A couple hundred dollars. See, you did it again. You know it you know its more than that, usually, so you did the old thing about underplaying it, didnt you . I always do it. I know it. And ill keep doing it. They say about 380. I was thinking about that. [ laughter ] why didnt you say that . I didnt want to hit it right on the nose. Theyd think we planned it. And the average american the average american relative is gonna spend 10 on gas returning most of those gifts. [ laughter ] now, a lot of stores, already, because they were a little leary of what was gonna happen, have already started discounting you know, theyre cutting em back, and the people are showing up. So what we did, we found here it is, right here. The Southern California shopping guide. Now only in Southern California would they have really unique, and i cant say really unique, can i . I have to say unique. Is that correct english . Because unique needs no qualifier . Thats right. Its either unique or its not unique. Thats about right. [ laughter ] i think right yeah. In southern cal if youre gonna stick around for a few days, heres some rather strange shops. For example, lets just take a look in this thing that graphics made up for us. Were not trying just pick any page. Were not trying we do this to make it see this, we a little production value for the comedy here. Right. We actually go over and say, guys, make us a thing that says Southern California shopping guide. coulda read em off the paper, but this gives it a little production. Lets see what is happening. Now heres a shop for people, only in southern cali, its a past lives plumber. Its called here we go again. Oh, boy. Ooh, boy. Ooh, boy, oh, boy. Graphics did this for us, huh . Yes. Heres a store that specializes in gifts for the only child called toys r i. [ laughter ] see, i should have in west covina, theres the dehydrated pet store. Now, listen. They sell pit bouillon cubes. [ laughter ] if somebody tries to break into your house, you pop one into a cup of boiling water. [ laughter ] theres a Shopping Center right here in the valley that rents space to plastic surgeons. You walk into one end, and when you leave the other end, you look completely different. Marginal, marginal. Im trying to get the biggies here. Heres an unusual one. Maybe not amusing, but unusual called the pickpockets plaza. There are no stores, just hundreds of mannequins with merchandise in their clothing, and its for pickpockets, you see, who go through youre picking out the big ones . Do we have those, uh, foreign commercials also tonight . We also had some foreign commercials we were gonna use in case this didnt go. We do have those . Get ready for them. All you robbers might be interested to know, today is the one day of the year that 711 operators can open the safe. [ laughter ] theres a store with a very limited appeal, and i also humorous appeal. It sells puppet neckwear. Its called. [ laughter ] casa de doody. [ laughter ] its a male Clothing Store for underworld figures, crooks brothers. They make coats that automatically pull over your head when you walk out of a courtroom. Were talking about dolls heres a talking doll store it has a doll that hasnt yet learned to walk or talk. Its called little miss underachiever. [ laughter ] if that one doesnt do it, the rest are in real trouble. [ laughter ] see if theres anything here hmm. Toys r us is unloading its remaining stock of the special Sylvester Stallone edition of scrabble, which has only two letters y and o. [ laughter ] yo. Yo. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i know youre trying to make me feel good, but thats just to set up the foreign commercials. We do have those, dont we . Yes, sir, we have. Are you saying you dont want me to run them . Are they any good, pete . Im asking peter and sally. Are they good . Yeah. Theyre even funny. Are they . Amusing. Relatively, are they funnier than this piece of material . What . No. Oh, come on. Theyre not more amusing than this . Well, all we have well, lets show these. Theyre interesting. From time to time, we bring you some of the funniest and most interesting commercials. No, problem, sir. Theyre ready. Thank you. Thank god [ laughter ] fred was talking to our booth, saying, s we have five of the winners of the International Advertising film festival. Now, these commercials are from england, new zealand, and norway, and they were, um, provided by screen vision cinema network, americas only Cinema Advertising network. I have not seen these myself, but mr. Lassally and mr. De cordova have assured me that these are very amusing and their jobs hang in the balance. Look at the monitor, and well see if theyre if theyre semiamusing. [ laughter ] [ music ] its got to be kaiser. Kaiser, a great beer. [ applause ] now, were talking. In fact, you could be looking at the next Divisional Branch manager. Oh, thats nice, dear. Oh, stevens reckons ive got a very Bright Future with the company. Do you worry about minor mishaps around the home . With loc from amway, you can remove virtually any stain. [ indistinct chatter ]. A bit of promotion as well. Thats nice, dear. Loc leaves you spotless. To get your bottle, call this number. Someone will be happy to speak with you. [ glass breaking ] [ speaking Foreign Language ] [ dog whining ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] now were talking. [ applause ] those are funny. Okay, in a moment, david steinberg, jann karam, and don yesso will join us. Stay where you are. I cant believe it a middleaged man like that running around town, chasing girls trying to make out. Whats wrong with that . What are we supposed to do . Sit in a rocking chair and take up knitting . No, no, mr. Furley. Mr. Furley, what about janet . Do you think i could get lucky with her . Yeah, maybe a little candlelight, wine, soft music. Were talking about our janet and that old man you ought to do something about him. Like what . Tell that overthehill don juan to buzz off. Be a man no, i cant. Oh, thats right. I keep forgetting. You can still tell him to buzz off. I cant. Janet would kill me, mr. Furley. Ee my father leave with janet . Yes he should be ashamed of himself. Hes old enough to be your father. My father and janet . On a date . Thats wonderful. I knew youd feel the same way as i. What . well, its the first time dads been out in years. Thats why we cant leave them alone. For a long time you can get awfully thirsty. Oh, jack, i had no idea janet was that desperate. Are you kidding . Not janet, your father oh. The poor mans been so lonely hes probably forgotten what to do with a woman. Not anymore i just reminded him. Were talking about two consenting adults. No. I never consented to anything. Not you. Now, stop thinking about them d start thinking about us. Id better go after janet. No, you wont. Were not leaving here. Wait a minute. Look at this she forgot to take her, uh. Her allergy pills. Jack, is this a trick . Does this look like a trick . 99 organic seaweed . Right. What is she allergic to . The ocean . Thats why i got to get these to her before high tide. Come on. Jack, what about our date . soft music playing my, its dark in here. Yeah, youre right. I cant even see my hand in front of my face. Thats not where your hand is. Oh. Sorry. Yes . Oh, uh, hi. Can i help you . Yeah. Im looking for a couple an older man with a young woman. Thats all we got here. Take your pick. Jack . Is that you . Oh, janet, hi. Hi. What are you doing here . Were not staying. What a disappointment. Since youre disappointed, well stay. Jack. Jack sheryl, you sit next to your father and ill sit next to my good friend janet. Isnt this cozy . Arent you forgetting why were here . Just why are you here . Oh, jack was concerned cause janet went out on a date clears throat my what . Your, your seaweed. Your seaseaweed, seaweed pill. Shes always forgetting. We have to remind her, but still she gets by with a little kelp from her friends. Its, uh, kelp seaweed, seaweed, song, sailors. Speaking of weeds, jack couldnt you disappear and spring up someplace else . exaggerated laugh perhaps we should go somewhere else and get a bite to eat. Not you, jack just janet and me. Thats fair. Why dont we have just one last little farewell drink . Itd be real quick, real fast. Waiter . What kind of wines do you have . Well, we got. Well each have a glass of white wine. Four white wines. Waiter . With a little club soda. Four white wine spritzers. Yeah. Waiter, excuse me. I just want one more thing a splash of grenadine in each one. Grenadine . Yeah. I call it the tripper spritzer. Id hate to tell you what i call it. Im with you, buddy. Would you excuse us for just a moment . Jack, may i speak to you . Yeah, yeah. What are you trying to pull . Im trying to warn you about sheryls father. Dont you dare say another word. Andrew is one of the most considerate men ive ever been out with. Im shocked at how easily youre fooled. The man is only after one thing. Aah look at the pot calling the kettle black. Its not your kettle hes after. And just how do you know . Listen, any guy who would ask you about your job compliment your hair and take off his tie on the first date is only after one thing. What . thats right. Ill make an excuse and meet you at the door. Jack janet, i cant breathe. That is the idea. What happens when i go out on a date is up to me, not you, right . Mmhmm. Youll never interfere again . No, im not. N breathe now. I paid the check. Lets get out of here. Good idea. You are not thinking of following us . No, no, no, no. Good. You just saved your life. sighs well, i guess janet can take care of herself. Iii was worried about her. I know. But now its. Its just you and me. Yeah. And you know what were going to do . What . Nothing. Goodbye. Uh. None for me. Thanks. Well, here we are. Yes, we certainly are. Arent you coming in . Well, if you really want me to. Ng a lovely evening. You are . Yes. Then why dont we, uh. We, um. Why dont we what . We. Say good night . Andrew, no. Come on. Come and sit down for a while. You neednt go. Its very early. Sit. Well. Thank you. Now, tell me whats wrong. Well, i. I know. Youre nervous, arent you . Is it that obvious . Why shouldnt you be . D a date in a very long time. So just relax and do whatever comes naturally and everything will be just fine. You really mean that . Yes. Of course i do. Well, im so glad you feel that way. Makes it a lot easier. Andrew hey, stop it your lips may say stop but your eyes say dont. No, they dont yes, they do. No, they don. Andrew groaning oh, youre not finished no, dont go dont. Go. Thats right, cindy. sighs im the one whos going. Do you realize im a middleaged man vicepresident of a bank with a grown daughter and here i am, acting like a complete nerf . Thats nerd. Thank you. Wait. Why did you do that . I mean, why did you suddenly. . Because these days i thought thats what i was supposed to do on a date. Im sorry i ruined your evening. No, you didnt ruin my. Look, you cant go yet. Theres still some champagne left. We cant let it go to waste. Come on, everybody sit down and lets have a drink. You sure you want me to . Yes, i am absolutely sure. Oh, thank you. Whoo, i hope you dont mind. It looks a bit flat. Here its for andrew. Great. Be careful, cindy. Oh, my god aah oh, im sorry. How can i make it up to you . Take your pants off. We have to get the stain out before it sets. Oh. Oh. Andrew, you can change in my bedroom. Its right in here. All right. There you go. Im sorry. Oh it got all over the couch, too. Go in the kitchen and get the dishpan and put some cold water in it and see if we have a clean sponge. Janet . Here they are. Oh, thank you. This isnt the way i had it planned. I know. You can wear jacks robe. Theres a clean one in that Laundry Basket on my bed. Oh, thank you. Uhhuh. Janet . Come on, janet, open up. I want to apo. Well, hello again. You didnt oh, my god, and you couldnt even wait if only i hadnt told you how easy it was to score with women today. How gullible they are how easily theyre fooled by the simplest comeons. Poor little hopeless emptyheaded janet. Jajajan. dont stop, jack. Im learning a lot from what youre saying. No, see, i was just talk. I was, i was, i was, i was, i was just. Cindy is getting the champagne stain out. Thank you. Champagne . Oh, well, thats why you were. I knew, i thought, i figured that, uh. Now, let me see if i got this straight. Ow women are very gullible. Well, no, see. We can be fooled by the easiest of comeons. You take it out of context. Buster, let me tell you something i got to go help cindy. Shes in the kitchen with the, uh. Whoop mocking laugh ah, well, a little sudsy water there. She missed me. Oh, too bad. [captioned by the Caption Center wgbh educational foundation] what is this obsession you young people have with joy . I blame the media. Final examinations are just around the corner, young man and you cannot afford to waste one minute on this hedonistic frolicking. sniffs oh, brother. Maybe i should study. I didnt understand a word he said. With the janitors hip replacement . Arent you trespassing on Government Property . No. Im here to inform you that you can expect a big witch exam soon. Does it involve changing the earths orbit . The last time i tried that, el nino happened. I cant tell you when, but i can tell you where. Why cant they just accept the misery that should be their lives . Class trip to florida were going to disney world