Thank you doc. We are talking to george burns. Rodney dangerfield, michael constantine, and Shana Alexander will be with us. The special is tomorrow. Its on cbs. It follows bing, doesnt it . Yes, bing crosby. We made a deal between us. Hes not going to fool around with red rose rag and im not going to touch white christmas. [ laughter ] you mentioned the show. You talk about acting a little bit as you do in your book. You said you didnt find it too difficulty. You just listen and react to what people say. I think so. I think its much tougher to do what we are doing right now, or standing up and doing a monologue. Youve got nobody to help you. Youre on your own, you know . And you cant do it over. Thats it. But when you are doing a movie, you get up and do a scene, if its no good they do it over, you do it again. And then youve got Walter Matthau on one side, Dick Benjamin on the other. Were there any scenes you had to do, say, more than two or three times . Not me. [ applause ] i lie a lot. Im doing another movie. Im doing a movie with john denver. You wont believe the part. I know the part because when i saw you up in las vegas you told me you were doing a movie with john denver, and the part you play, god, is that right . Yes. Its oh, god. Im playing god. You see, in the sunshine boys, i played a character. Now im playing god, im back to george burns again. [ laughter ] how are you going to play god and smokci at the same time . God doesnt smoke. He doesnt smoke, and its a very tough kind of a thing. Ive got to try to make it believable. Ive got to make john denver believe he ran into god. Ive got to make the audience believe that too. If i dont do that weve got no show. Now you are seen as god, right . A very very soft god. Trying to be believable and believe the words. The words are good. If i can say them and make them believable i think it will work. Thats a big challenge. Sure. We dug through some of your old scrapbook here. Is this yes thats you and gracie. Yes thats me and thats was that a publicity ad . Yes, i look like jerry ford there, dont i . Yes. [ laughter ] a little bit. That was we did the college swing. Bob hope was in the picture, and betty grable, and jackie coogan. Heres gracie with w. C. El yes, that was International House. [ applause ] did that take place on an ocean liner . Yes, International House was on an ocean liner. Thats the one i was trying to think of the other night. I knew it was a picture with all these stars and took place on a bill fields came to my house for dinner one night and he said to the driver, go get me my vest. I forgot my vest. I says, bill if youre cold, ill give you my sweater. He said, no, no, no, and theres little bottles of gin in each pocket. I said, you dont have to send home for your vest. Ive got a bottle of gin. He said to the bartender, dont bother. The driver, he said, dont bother, ive got a new source. A new source . [ laughter ] is this the earlier days from the radio show . Yes, i think so. Oh, that was gracie. Gracie read the paper, and i said to gracie, whats todays date . And she says, well, i dont know. I says, well look at the paper. She says, it wont help. Its yesterdays paper. [ laughter ] heres thats bing. Bing. Bing, jack, and myself doing goldie, fields, and glide. The worst act in show business. [ laughter ] you know, i can go on and tell you about goldie, fields, and glide for four or five days, but we wont. This is jack benny i remember the very first time you did that on television. Ive got to tell you one story about that. He loved the way he looked and he wouldnt take the dress off. [ laughter ] i said, jack, take that dress off. He says, no, no, no, i want to go home and show mary how i look. So two days later i got a call from mary. She said, look, youre jacks best friend. Come over here. If he doesnt take the dress off im going to divorce him. [ laughter ] so i went over there and i says, mary, wheres jack . She says, hes upstairs shaving his legs again. [ laughter ] and this one is is this Queen Elizabeth . No, thats the princess. Princess. Thats the princess, yes. Command performance in england . I did a command performance for her. A story about that, i went upstairs after the performance and i said, its nice to meet you. She wasnt there. The lady waiting says, im not the princess. Im the lady waiting. I said, oh, its nice to meet you too. Didnt know what to say, and we sat and we talked. Finally she got up and i thought it was time to leave. So i got up and i says, well, goodbye. She says, no, no, no, im suppose to leave first. So she left, and i got up again, and the lady waiting says, no, no, no, im suppose to leave first. So she left and i sat there until the lights went out and then the usher came up and said, you can leave now. [ laughter ] protocol, england. I think morty sits over there by the piano. You want me to fool around . Wouldnu youve got to sing something. [ applause ] hello, fellows. Doc, its nice to see you again. Can i move this over here . Right there. Anywhere you want. Okay, lets try red rose rag. Why not, we havent done that for a long time. [ applause ] [ music ] where the red roses grow, oh my i want to go. Pluck me like a flower, cuddle me an hour, lovie let me learn the red rose rag. Red leaves are falling in a rosy romance, bees hum, come, nows your chance. Dont go hunting possums, mingle with the blossoms, in that flowery, bowery dance. Oh honeymoon, shine on in june, and hear me croon this lovely tune. Trees and bees are sighing and crying, lovie let me learnth thats enough of that. [ applause ] okay, let me give you a little preview of what im going to sing tomorrow night on my special. The birds are sweetly singing, the birds are sweetly singing, the birds are sweetly singing, a few bells are ringing, good. Thats my first number. And then for my finish ive got a great number that i think is very very exciting. It was written by norv by, whats his first name . Hamlisch. Marvin. Marvin hamlisch and tim rice. [ music ] like most people everywhere, ive had my wear and tear. Ok, thats my closing number. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ music ] he is quite a man. Last of the breed, right . The book is charming, or they still love me in altoona the specials tomorrow night. Rodney dangerfield will be with us, right after this. [ music ] okay, my next guest loves to perform because he loves audiences. Unfortunately, he gets no respect. Even his own club in new york, dangerfield, he gets no respect. So, i see no reason to change that tonight. [ laughter ] rodney dangerfield. [ applause ] [ music ] what a crowd, what a crowd. Beautiful, beautiful. [ applause ] you know me, i love crowds, you know that. I mean when i was a kid my house was always crowded, always people around. I come for old fashion, [ laugher ] what a dumb family ive got. Last week i looked up my family tree, two dogs were using it. [ laughter ] i dont know. I tell you, lately nothings going right. You know . Im gaining weight. I cant stay on a diet. Last week i went nuts. I tried the rice diet. You kidding me. Between meals, i kept folding my shirts. [ laughter ] i mean i cant relax. You know . Having a few drinks. I looked over at the bartender , i said, surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife. [ laughter ] i tell you, last week was a rough week for me. I broke up with my psychiatrist too last week. He told me im going crazy. I said to him, if you dont mind, id like a second opinion. He said, all right, you are ugly too. [ laughter ] and then he told me to lay on the couch face down. I tell you, when i was a kid i knew i was ugly. When i was born, the doctor, he smacked my mother. [ laughter ] my old man, he made me feel ugly. On halloween, he sent me out as is. [ laughter ] he did a lot of things, my old man. One year, he tried to make me a poster boy for birth control. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i tell you, i went through a lot of things when i was a kid. The kids all made fun of me. They made fun of my cousin too. They called him, four eyes. Later on he got glasses, and then they called him eight eyes. [ laughter ] i tell you, on my block the kids were tough. All over my face i had pimples, and they use to grab me and play connect the dots. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i tell you, sometimes i mean, i dont get any respect at all. Every time i get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me, basement . [ laughter ] its the same thing in my own house, no respect. My boys birthday was last week. We had a party, brought out the cake, the kid blew out all the candles. I said to him, i hope your wish comes true. He said, if it does, thats the last time you will watch me blow out candles. [ laughter ] smart kid ive got. My wife, shes no better than the rest of them, my wife. My own wife, how do you think i feel . I mean, she kisses the dog on her lips and she wont drink from my glass. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i tell you, the first time i made love to my wife, that was a beauty too. I got curious. I said to her, how many guys have been before this . She looked at me. She said, not enough to make up for this. [ music ] great crowd. Great crowd. Beautiful people out there. How you been johnny . You all right . Im fine rodney. You told me back in make up you had a cold but it didnt seem to bother you working. Well a cold always bothers you. No one knows it when you have a ld what do you want to do . A dramatic lecture here on a cold . [ laughter ] i have no cold jokes at all. Maybe its the swine flu. I got the shot. Did you . Oh yes, the doctor gave me the shot back in new york when i was working the club. The club is still there. Things are going good. Seven years now, dangerfields. Seven years. Things are going real good, you know. I finally paid off the ice machine. [ laughter ] real good. Its always nice to come out here. Youve got such beautiful girls here in california. You like it out in california. The last one was not even a beautiful girl, she was a fortune teller. She read my palm and asked me for five dollars. Then she read my mind, and asked me for fifty dollars. [ laughter ] i tell you what, girls, you better watch yourself johnny. You better watch yourself with girls. You bet. I met a girl last week, she told me she was scorpio. Found out she spent four years under leo. [ laughter ] thats enough about girls. Girlle all you hear today is sex. Ill tell you the truth johnny. With sex, ive had it up to here. Not lately though, you know. [ laughter ] youve got to count your blessings though, you know. Yes. Youve got to count your blessings. Im doing okay today. Ive been broke all my life you know. Youve got money now. Im doing okay, holding my own, doing all right, you know what i mean. I was a kid that had nothing. I was poor. Oh, i was poor when i was a kid, you know. I was so poor, my rich uncle died, and in the will i owed him twenty dollars. [ laughter ] my uncle, he was a lazy guy though. Was he now . He was so lazy he married a girl that was pregnant. [ laughter ] lazy, lazy. [ applause ] thats too lazy. Thats too lazy. That is lazy. Lazys no good, its not healthy. And thats the whole thing, health. Health is important. Youve got to take care of your health johnny. Im getting old. Ive got to watch myself. Really, im getting old, and its so tough when you get old to take care of yourself. I know im getting old. The last i played the slot machine. Three prunes came up. [ laughter ] thats a tip off. Whats your doctor friend tell you to do . My doctor friend . Yes. We will get to him later on. Oh, i see. Dont want to talk about him now, huh . Well get to the doctor, you know. Weve got a few things to say about him too. But the things is, youve got to meet the right people. The right people are important. I meet the wrong people johnny. Always meet the wrong people. Last week i met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette. [ laughter ] you mean Vinnie Boombatz . Thats the one. He keeps away from people. He goes out in his boat alone, stays in his boat, hes always riding in his boat. In fact, his new book is all about boats. Oh, whats it called . Great book, great book. Its called, should a man buy a yacht if his girlfriend laughs at his dingy . [ laughter ] i think ive read that. Great, great book. Its coming out soon. Very funny. I cant relax, thats my trouble. Really. All tense, huh . Always tense, cant relax. Ive g d ive got a dog. My dog makes me feel like im 30. He jumps in my bed and he smells it for an hour before he lays down on it. [ laughter ] i tell you, my dog, i cant figure him out. I took him for a walk the other night. Yes. He did number three. [ laughter ] i dont know, pick the topic johnny. What do you want to talk about . What can i tell you, ive got to relax though. I dont sleep at all lately. Dreams every night. I had a bad dream last night. Oh, what was that about . My dream last night, i took a walk down memory lane, and my wife was working it. [ laughter ] it was a very very bad dream. That can make you wake up. Oh, i woke right up, i tell you. My wife, she drives me nuts anyways. Always wants me to take her out to classy restaurants. I dont like it. They are too fancy. You want to go to the mens room, it never says, mens room. Theyve got signs like romeo, juliet, anthony, cleopatra. If you dont know your history youll end up with a kidney condition. [ laughter ] youve got to watch yourself. Nobody has it easy in life johnny. Thats right. I talk to people all over the place, nobody. I feel sorry for short people. Whys that . When it rains, theyre the last ones to know about. [ laughter ] i tell you, sometimes around short people i get very uncomfortable, very. Very uncomfortable . Now the last time i went to a health spa, i was standing there naked, and a very short guy told me i look terrific. [ laughter ] very short guy. In the health spa, naked . Im happy he didnt shake hands with me, i tell you. That was a good line. I wish i had more like that. [ applause ] we will be right back, [ music ] michael constantine, you may well remember, won an emmy for his portrayal of the principal in a television series, room 222 and hes the star of a new nbc series called, sirotas court which has its premier episode tomorrow night at 9 00. Which follows don ris, which has its premiere tomorrow night, and mclean stevenson. Would you welcome, michael constantine. [ music ] i just said when you walked around the corner, its been a long time. Do you . Yes, i feel great. George burns is who i want to be when i grow up. Wouldnt you like to be 80 you keep working. You were very funny. Thank you very much. I was telling people the story that you told about the guy that kept robbing you. It cracked me up. Robbing you and you left a note that said, dont bother to rob me, im here. And the guy robbed you and left a note for you that said. Well, not exactly. How did i get into that . Now that you opened that, whats the joke . Well the joke is, i said, now ill screw it up, watch. [ laughter ] the joke is, when i left i left a note on the front door. I left the radio on, the lights on. The note said, im inside. He came over and i still got robbed. The guy left his own note. He said, i looked all over for you. [ laughter ] i love that story. Thanks for bringing it up. Are you looking forward to your opening tomorrow night . Yes. So, youve played a principal, you played clarence darrow, right . Yes. Judge sirota in sirotas court. This has to do with night court doesnt it . Which gets all the crazies and the zanies, you know. In new york, occasional, its very interesting. You know, if youre in psychology, a lot of psychology students in new york. Colleges go down and sit in night court. I suppose they do it in los angeles also. Oh yes, its a cheap date, you know. It is. People go down and just watch night court. The things that pass in front of you. Very incredible. Yes, and weve got them all on this show. I cant believe we are getting away with half of it, but its zany. Its a c s from room 222. Right. Which was, funny and sometimes serious. This one has little serious moments, but its got popping overtones. Right. Its just nutty. Would you ever like to, i said youve played a principal, youve played darrow, an attorney, and now you you are a judge. Any of those professions appeal to you if you hadnt become an actor . Well, actually, before i became an actor, i really thought, well, im just going to be a bum because id hated every job that id ever had. I just couldnt stand them. What did you do . For some strange reason i ask this question frequently because i find most actors have had a variety of strange jobs that normally they didnt like. Well, just before i became an actor, i was the manager of the Dairy Department in the food fair supermarket in reading, pennsylvania. There were not a lf a buddy and i sat down one night, and i got this light from above that said, no, im not lazy. I dont think anyone is lazy, its a matter of finding something that you could do for 12 hours and not care how tired you are because you like doing it. I was so naive, i said, my buddy and i talked for three hours and we said, what do we like . Now not what weve been told we should like. Well, do they really do anything for me . Does the smell of flowers really knock me out . No. We went through all that, and it turned out that my things all had to do with some kind of entertainment. So i thought, well, i couldnt even conceive of movies at that time. I thought well, i heard that theres a place called broadway in new york where they do plays, its not movies. And i was that naive. I didnt know. And i said, hey, i heard theres a girl that i went to highschool with two years ago whos studying acting well if its something you can study, its something you can learn. Maybe i can go there and learn that. I was just so naive, and there was a Divine Providence guiding me, like it guides all fools i guess. The next day im walking down the street, and heres the girl that had been studying acting in new york walking down the street. So i said, hey, who are you studying with in new york . And she told me, and i went and met her teacher, and that was the beginning. See, if you wrote that as a scenario for a movie script, nobody would buy it. It would bore the hell that would never happen. Its a one in a million shot. Yes. So did you first work in the theatre . Yes, it took me about six years before anybody paid me for acting. I went to the Dramatic School and then i went around trying to get work, and id do these little off broadway shows. That was before anybody had heard of off broadway. You had to get an agent down in a hermetically sealed casket. You know. Nobody even wanted to come to see you in them, they didnt pay you for those. Those were free for about six years before i finally got paid for acting. I guess thats before equity came in and no, no, there was equity. Im not that old john. There was equity, i just couldnt get a job. Right. So what did you do in the meantime to survive . Oh, just a host of wonderful jobs, like. You must have been an usher. Every actor ive met was an usher somewhere in a movie theatre. No, i was very big with being a night counterman and then there was, you work nights a lot as an actor because you want the days free to look for work. But, i remember on