Thats very nice of you. Thank you, thats very nice, but i want you to tell me the truth. Was i your first choice, or was the line too long for three men and a baby . [ laughter ] besides, this is free, right . [ laughter ] on the stand, simba. [ laughter ] whats going on . What is this . Now, thats not real, is it . Tell me thats not a real skin. Ill put it to you this way. Its the Juliet Prowse look. Call bob barker. [ laughter ] but its not really real, is it . No, no. Well, semi. Theres a few hairs left on it, here and there. [ laughter ] i appreciate you sharing the evening with us. Then again, what was your choice . Sitting at home with a dead Christmas Tree . [ laughter ] [ applause ] see, i always ask fred before i come out. I say, hows the audience . He says, theyre great. Last night, i asked him, and he wouldnt tell me. [ laughter ] last nights audience was the kind of a group they were angry, because their pit bulls had been outlawed. [ laughter ]do you tourists wouldnt be so happy and clap so loud, if you know that back home in south dakota, they just cut up your duncan phyfe table, to make a fire. [ laughter ] do you believe this weather . We were complaining out here in california, because it got down to 36 degrees. [ awwww ] not below zero. Above zero. I want to tell you, back in nebraska, i can remember when i think of this weather, it takes me back to my youth, on the plains of nebraska, and i want to tell you, it was so cold in nebraska how cold was it . You would pray that a bear would come into the outhouse. [ laughter ] [ applause ] do you remember that . Where your tongue would freeze on the pump handle . We didnt have much of a sex life, in those days. [ laughter ] anyway, i welcome you from where ever you come from tonight. We say were from hollywood, but were really not in hollywood. We say, hollywood, land of tinsel, land of makebelieve, land of dreams, and while youre out here, right . And if you dont make it on star search, hell get you a job licking envelopes. [ laughter ] how many of you know whose birthday it is, today . Millard fillmore. Millard fillmore. Thats about the way it was when he was alive. He was born this day in 1800. He was our 13th president , and i guess hes famous unforgettable president. He didnt do much. His birthday is most often the occasion for parties, for which theres no other reason, did you know that . Did that make any sense, at all . No, hes famous for not doing anything as president. At least he didnt have to remember what to forget. [ laughter ] [ applause ] from time to time, nbc likes me to do a plug for their prime hardhitting Tv Documentary on, starring jaclyn smith, called, i want to chew. Its the martha ray story, in which she learns to cope [ laughter ] after the tragic loss of her teeth. [ laughter ] you folks may be flying home cheaper than it cost you to get out here, did you know that . Theres an airline fare war, right now, between continental, and i guess, all of them. Right now, for, i think, 100, you can fly from one end of fred de cordovas office to the other. [ laughter ] do you know the fcc . Its not the fcc, is it . Yeah the fcc. Or the faa, record and the worst record for arrivals and departures. Who do you think had the worst record last month . Delta. Delta. Surprise [ laughter ] they only had one flight that was on time. It landed in muncie, indiana, at exactly 10 00 am. It was supposed to land in singapore, but it was on time. [ applause ] did you hear the rumor going around that ted kennedy may enter the president ial race . [ applause ] yeah. It must be true. He was seen today in the Trauma Center of the Richard Simmons workout. Okay, mr. Liberal, lets loose those love handles [ laughter ] [ applause ] again, today. Gary hart, and im trying to quote him exactly, said he wishes people would forget his personal life and concentrate on his character. [ laughter ] thats kind of like Carmen Miranda saying, other than the hat, how do you like the outfit . [ laughter ] [ applause ] hollywood goes crazy for royalty, and guess whos coming to los angeles in february . Prince andrew and fergie. Well, her name is what . Sarah ferguson, but they call her fergie. Prince andrew and fergie are coming to los angeles. A lot of people dont understand the lines at the throne. Do you understand it, exactly . For example, for charles to become king, the queen would have to die, right . For andrew to become king, the queen and charles is harold the other little boy . Would have to die. But for fergie to become queen, the whole royal family would have to be wiped out in an airplane crash that killed Wayland Flowers and madame. [ laughter ] [ applause ] anyway, we have a good show tonight. You didnt announce our special guests. George bush, and robert dole will come out here to do whos on first . [ laughter ] we have the one and only miss bette davis, with us tonight. [ applause ] and. A very funny performer, martin short, is with us tonight. [ applause ] a band number by jungle jim and his orchestra, so well be right back. Stay with us. [ music ] [ applause ] thank you. [ music ] [ applause ] we are back. Thank you, doctor. [ applause ] jungle jim. Jungle jim and his all leopard orchestra. Anyway, tonight, we have miss bette davis. She is quite a lady. Shes along in years, but shes as feisty as ever. She says whats on her mind, and she is a survivor. She is out here tonight, and marty short is with us. Did you get your calendar yet, from the bank . I have not yes, i have, as a matter of fact. Remember when i dont know whether they do it anymore, the only people that sent calendars that i can remember were the local garage, which i always found weird. [ laughter ] counting the days. Its like theyre waiting for you. Whats the name of the funeral home in norfolk . Hauser . Hauser. Thats right. The xx hauser funeral home. Id get this lovely calendar. Its like, theyre waiting for you. [ laughter ] anyway, calendars are now a big business. A lot of them are not sent out for free. You can actually buy them. Look at some of these. Heres a beautiful calendar. Is there a price on these . This is called the first family calendar. Its done on highquality stock, you know, with pictures of heres the president trying to remember what he did august the eighth. [ laughter ] very nice pictures. One of him on the ranch. Of course, they always have the cheesecake calendars, you know. [ whistles ] to show you that we are not chauvinistic, did you know that the l. A. Policemen have put out and this is done in good taste, but they want to show you that our police are in pretty good shape. [ applause ] okay. Heres one here. Preposterous pigs. If you like pigs. Tom selleck has a calendar. Magnum, pi. [ applause ] greatest nfl quarterbacks. Heres one that has a reproduction of a renoir famous painting, thats kind of nice, isnt it . Um hmm. The sierra club, which is a good organization, wildlife calendar. This is just a heres my favorite. Junk food. Look at that cover. Oh. Junk food calendar. These are whats inside. All of these junk foods. Leave it to beaver calendar. Spuds mckenzie calendar. Now, we went searching around for some specialty and all of these calendars have specific dates. If you look through the sierra club calendar, they give you things that happen on certain dates. We found some very unusual calendars here, that soon will be in some of your favorite stores. Heres one called football fans. Lets see. Ar an historic event. During an nfl playoff game, the first male beer gut evolves. [ laughter ] to give a fan a place to rest his doritos and bud light while watching the game. November 24th, 1962, housewife trina glowatski, wearing a filmy negligee, is the first female to hear the phrase, hey, honey, that can wait until halftime. [ laughter ] youre making up your own stuff, already . July 13th, Jerry Falwell bobsleds down a water slide. He did that, you know. Lets see. September tenth, 1987. Jim and tammy bakkers dog, revlon [ laughter ] dies in freak electrical accident, when it mistakes the air conditioner in his dog house for a fire hydrant. [ laughter ] would you believe they have a bathroom graffiti calendar . Of course you do. Lets see whats in this one. August 20th, 1935. I wasnt aware of this. The father of modern graffiti, f. Scott fitzstall, is awarded the nobel prize for literature, for penning the immortal couplet entitled, beans, beans, the magical fruit. Remember that . If you dont think theyre specialized, friends, take a look at this one. The tollbooth collectors calendar. Lets see what goodies await us, here. September tenth, 1978, new jersey turnpike toll collector Roland Ripley moonlights as a male exotic dancer, but is fired from his tollbooth job when he shows up wearing briefs with an exact change basket attached. [ laughter ] are we going to get a big call for this one . How many puppeteers calendars are they going to sell . Not many, i warrant. Oh, good heavens. June 20th, 1968, muppet creator jim henson we all know jim henson . While giving draft physicals as an army medic, which he was, is discharged from the service for using kermit to make a man cough. [ laughter ] bag boy calendar. For supermarket. Why not . If youve got a joke, youve got a bag boy calendar. August ninth, 1983, safeway bag boy Emilio Bacardi revolutionizes blind dating, when he offers his blind date a choice of paper or plastic. [ laughter ] i have one more, here. The fred de cordova calendar. [ applause ] january first, 1937. Fred finally remembers to stop dating his checks b. C. And start using a. D. [ laughter ] and one more entry here. September second, 1986. An enraged de cordova when he storms in the set and says, great show, but leaves off the sir. Remember that . [ laughter ] never have. Bette davis will be out in just a moment,