Because you always put things where i cant find them always, maude you always put things where i cant find them youre right, walter. And im sorry, sweetheart. Actually, if you want your suspenders, youll find them hanging off the roof. I find them very handy for washing the basement and second story windows at the same time. Maude. Im sorry, honey. Ill help you find them. You know, were gonna be late. Im gonna miss all the guest celebrities come on body whos anybody is gonna be there tonight. Durward kirby, pupi campo, carmelita pope, arlene francis, the entire panel from whats my line . Oh, you dont care if i miss all the fun. Pupi campo . Tsk. Well, go on i cant get moving, francie. What are you waiting on . sobs hinkley, would you cool it . It aint gonna be easy to outtalk maude findlay. Shes the worlds champ. Shes got a bigger mouth than muhammad ali. Okay, but just make sure you lay it on real good about your father beating ya up. Why cant i just tell her the truth . cause why gamble on the truth when we got such a good, honest lie, huh . Hinkley, i dont feel good about lying to mrs. Findlay. I lived here for two weeks. Chicken. Its our future. I mean, dont you think im gonna feel rotten, too . Hiding out there behind a bush, when i should be in there helping you pick her clean. Hinkley. Hinkley. You do love me, right . I told you, i am your main man. Now, dont forget to let her see the bandages, okay . Now, get in there. And sob your heart out doorbell rings well, its about time. Francie Francie Potter. cries and screams francie, is there something wrong . I should have never come here. Just forget you ever saw me. Okay . I mean, just forget you ever saw me. Well, okay, if thats what you want. Actually, we were on our way to the theatre anyway. Oh, dont hold me. Dont force it out of me. sobs its too personal, too private. Oh. Who just walked 35 miles from the ghetto, with something personal and private eating away at her. But you are curious, arent you . Oh. Why me . Why me . I was about to ask the same question. Francie, you are in trouble. Now, honey, why dont you tell me all about it . Thats what im here for. And talk about just like that. Oh, good. Because were on our way to the theater, and were late now. So, honey, why dont you just lie down there, cry your little heart out, and when we get back from the theatre, well have a good long talk. No itll be too late then francie. Francie, are you in trouble with a gang . Are they getting together and getting ready for a ramble tonight . Ch knife. Maude, come here. Maude, will you come here . Has it occurred to you that she may just be in trouble . Oh, come on, walter. The childs only 16. Almost 17. Just because she comes from the ghetto, doesnt mean that she knows. Francie, are you with child . No, i came here alone hes been beating me oh, no, francie you mean he went upside your head . Mrs. Findlay, youll understand better if we talk white peoples talk. Hes beating the hell out of me francie hello, everybody better late than never. Maude, i could just strangle you not now, vivian, please whats the big idea of making us rush over here like this . Vivian, please just look at my hair, its a disaster. It matches your gown. You both remember Francie Potter . Well, well, well, Francie Potter. Maudes little experiment in race relations. It didnt work, you know, francie. Maudes still white. Come on, francie, well have a little chitchat in the kitchen whats going on here . First you rush us over here and then please, vivian, this is an emergency fix your hair. Well, what can you expect of a woman okay, now, francie. Come on, you tell me all about it. Well, mrs. Findlay, i was gonna come in here and lie to you, but youre too nice. Besides, whats the sense of lying . You know me too well. Thank you, dear. I mean, ii live in the suburbs, but its true, my hearts in the ghetto. Oh, ow honey, whats the matter . Oh, its nothing. Just a little bruise. A little bruise . Francie, let me look at it no uh, they took care of it in the emergency ward already. sobs my father did it. Thats why im running away from home. Oh, francie, running away . Honey, what about your mother . Oh, she wanted to come along, too. But shes 53, shes too slow. Maude. I found out whats troubling the child. She is running away from home because of her fathers beatings. Oh, come on, francie. Why would your father beat you . Poor misguided honky. Walter, you know nothing about the childs environment. Shes a victim of the battered child syndrome. I read all about it in mccalls. As a matter of fact, i think i may still have the article. Macaroni. Maude, walter, lets go well miss all the preshow activities in the lobby. Arthur harmon francie is more important than watching Doc Severinsen put his mouthpiece in a time capsule. Were missing that . Darn it, maudie, hurry up look, francie, dear, you can tell me. Now, your father, the one who beats you, had he been drinking . Yeah. Oh, hhow did you know . Oh, this afternoon he came home bloodshot from head to toe. He slammed the door so hard the lights went on. Thats when he hit me. But why . Thats when he saw me. Then he picked up my brothers Little League baseball bat, the one we use to stun the roaches. Oh, yes, yes, of course. Maude, i wanna talk to you. Come here. Maude, will you come with me . I wanna talk to you. Maude, there isnt one shred of evidence that shes telling the truth walter, francie loves me. She would not lie to me. A baseball bat to stun the roaches . Yeah, thats why theyre such good hitters. Maude, walter, were gonna wait in the car. Arthur if youre not out there in five minutes, after all youve put us through, were leaving without you, and thats that. Nobodys gonna spoil my evening. Uh. By the by, old buddy, since were your guests tonight, eh, could you let me have the tickets you bought for us . Sure, old buddy. Thanks, chum. Now, i mean it five minutes or were leaving without you, and thats final. Im sorry, walter. Ehehit occurred to me it must have sounded very unreasonable what i said. Why should i put you on a fiveminute deadline . Give my regards to broadway. What do you mean, give your regards to broadway . Were going to the theatre not as long as that child is in trouble, were not going. All right, francie. Now, you tell me, dear, what can we do to help you maude all shes asking for is a little love and understanding and 300 dollars. And 300 doll 300 dollars . Aha. The moneys just a loan, so i can start a new life. I wanna go live with my friend in los angeles. An adult. Francie, youre only 16 almost 17 i cant go back home to my father. Hell kill me. Well, youre right, you dont have much of a choice. Oh. Little Francie Potter, all grown up and starting a new life. Oh. Seems like only yesterday she was a little tiny baby. How would you like to hold your breath that long . Now, look, francie, were going to give you a start, arent we, walter . No. Hes such a tease. Look, francie, dear, why dont you help yourself . After your beating, you must be hungry. Oh, good, youre calling the police. No, the potters. You cant do that, walter. Maude that childs running away from home is breaking up a family oh, hello mr. Potter . This is walter findlay. Listen, your daughters here, and we have theatre tickets and we want mr. Potter, youre a beast. Someday, when you sober up, youll thank me for this. His breath reeks of liquor even on the phone. Youre making a big mistake francie, dear, you are going to get your 300, and thats a promise. Maude oh, come on now, walter shes going there to live with an adult. Its not like shell be alone. Not nearly enough oh, well, arthur usually has a lot of cash. Possibly, between him and viv, and you and i wellwell get you the money, dear. Now, why dont you just sit down, and enjoy yourself, and well be back right after the theatre with the money. And if we hurry, maybe we can still catch one of Johnny Carsons exwives. Hinkley, come on in were gonna get the 300, and weve got the whole house to ourselves you say what you say how could you leave the headlights on again . This is the fourth time this year that youve killed my battery. Walter, will you quit crying long enough to call the Automobile Club . Just mention my name, theyll understand. Francie and hinkley . California here we come . . California . laugh fffrancie oh my, how time flies. It certainly does, particularly. When youre making whoopee with the adult youre going to be living with in california. Oh, walter, dont you see . They are young and theyre in love maude mr. Findlay, you heard her. She said she first got married when she was 17. Thats different, she was making a career out of it. Now, francie, honey, even though youre almost 17, i mean, youyou i dont think you know what youre doing. Francie, you cant just run off, with no thought, no plan oh, oh thats the part i was saving for last. Hinkley planned for our future, and were gonna go to hollywood and record for motown. Mo who . Motown. Its a record company. Me and hinkleys a group. The electric shortcake. Oh juicy. You mean youre the electric fruitcake. Go to hollywood, make a Million Dollars overnight come on we dont expect to become millionaires overnight. Its a long hard grind. Its gonna take us maybe two, three weeks. That long . Well, sure. I mean, you cant just rush into these things, even when you got talent, like me and hinkley. Hey, come on, hinkley. Lets show em. Okay. Im the only rock n roll spoon player in the world. Huh you ready . Yeah. Aone, atwo, aone, two, three. . He stuck a feather in his hat . . And called it macaroni . . Yankee doodle, tweet, tweet, tweet . . Yankee doodle . . Tweet, tweet, tweet . whistles hold it maude. I like em wait a second. Has anybody in the record business ever heard you play . No, man, but thats whats so cool. Were total unknowns can i see you in the kitchen . . Yankee doodle tweet, tweet, tweet . But, walter, who are we to say . I mean, the closest weve ever come to rock n roll is the mormon tabernacle choir. Maude, they dont have a chance oh, walter, who knows . For instance, who would ever have dreamed that Frankie Laine would make all that money singing mule train . . Mule train, ha . . Clippetyclop clippetyclop . . Clippety clippety clopping along . . Ha, ha . Maude. . Ha, clop, clop . Maude. Maude thats not Frankie Laine out there thats a couple of kids caught up in a hollywood fantasy oh, walter, wait no more waiting look, im sorry, kids, but were not giving you a nickel. Walter but mrs. Findlay promised. Youre right, mrs. Findlay promised, and mrs. Findlay is going to give you her own money. Maude, i forbid it walter, she has no alternative shes a little child from the ghetto, she cant go home, and shes too short to play center for the harlem globetrotters. Maude walter oh, yeah, aint it cool . Yeah. Maude, if you insist on giving her money, im warning you, as your husband, ill have to take the proper action. Oh, what are you going to do, walter . Beat me, hit me, like francies father . Illi ill call a cop doorbell rings i think francie is entitled to this one chance at happiness, and i am gonna make sure that she never has to meet that drunken monster father of hers again. Im francies father. Walter maude, let him in banging on door no. You called my father you called her father . Listen, ill wait in the kitchen till cooler heads prevail, okay . Its a pleasure to meet you, mr. Potter. Francie, youre coming home with me, right now. Dont you dare lay a hand on her helpless head, you. Drunken sot what did you say . How dare you inflict your mindless cruelties on this innocent child . Woman, will you shut up . walter. Walter, did you hear what this monster actually said to me . Yes, he said, woman, will you shut up . A very common expression frequently heard in our bedroom. I dont know where you got the idea that i drink. Ive got an ulcer. Have you ever heard of anybody getting drunk on maalox . And whats this about me beating up on my girl . Francie, i never hit you well, only because you was afraid youd kill me. Francie, you lied to me. I had to. The truth wouldnt have been worth 300. Now, look here wait a minute me first. Walter, pour mr. Potter a maalox. But you do that anyway thats beside the point. I trusted you, because i thought you were my friend. Well, friends like you are a dime a dozen, and theyre overpriced. Who needs it . Walter, call a cab. Were going to the theatre. Im sorry, mrs. Findlay. Really, i am. I didnt want to lie to you. Oh, sure you didnt. No, no, hinkley said that if i didnt get the money for him, he wouldnt marry me and take me to california. Enough to let a dingaling like hinkley talk you into a thing like this . Hinkleys no dingaling. Youre right, honey. Youre the dingaling. I mean, letting him talk you into. Doing something against your better judgment just because you were afraid that was the only way you could hang on to him . Hinkleys gone. No, hes not. He wouldnt go without me. I guess i am the dingaling. Um. Mr. Potter. Would you excuse us for a minute . You know, girl talk. Im sorry, daddy. Francie, ill wait for you out in the car. Oh, francie. sighs boy, the hinkleys in our lives really hurt, dont they . Ame for them. Stinkers. Course, i could talk to you, woman to woman, and tell you that we do get over them, but that wouldnt make you feel any better, would it . I just hope the next time you contemplate one of these whoopee trips, that you come and we talk it over first. sobs well. Thats show business. Well, maude. Looks like she learned a lesson. Oh, wrong, walter. Bless her heart, shes still lying through her teeth. All that boy has to do is rattle his spoons and shell be off like a shot. Just hope hinkleys really gone for good. Oh, dont worry, maude. Im positive hes gone off to pursue his musical career. How can you be sure . When he left, he took every damn spoon in the kitchen. Thats show business. . Donny hathaway . Lady godiva was a freedom rider . Women . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She didnt care if the whole world looked . . Joan of arc with the lord to guide her . . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She was a sister who really cooked . . Ooh ooh. . . Isadora was the first bra burner . . Aint you glad she showed up . . . Oh, yeah . Was fallin apart . . Betsy ross got it all sewed up . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres . . That uncompromisin, enterprisin . . Anything but tranquilizin . All . Right on maude . motor whirring well, walter, did you ask arthur when he mowed it at 2 00 last night . Yes, maude, i asked him. whirring stops and what did he say . He said, its grown since then. Now i know what he was doing between two and eight fertilizing. Well, im worried about him. Hes been acting jittery all week. Its like hes been trying to tell me something. Somethings been gnawing at him. Maybe its vivian. Her front teeth have been looking sharper lately. Maudie, walter. About last night. Theres something i gotta tell you. What is it, arthur . Nothing. Goodbye. Arthur now, come on. Whats on your mind . On my mind . Nothing, forget it. Theres never anything on my mind. Ugh. That is the worst coffee i have ever tasted. Thats because its orange juice. This ones my coffee. Arthur, will you please tell me whats bothering you . All right maudie, youll have to leave the room. Arthur, when i have to leave the room, i will raise my hand. Arthur, whats your problem . well, itsits itsitsitsits itsitsits itsitsits what . I cant tell you. Of course you can arthur, you know you can tell us anything. All right. Now, promise you wont laugh. We wont laugh. Of course not. Its john wayne. John wayne . John wayne. Hes coming to my house this afternoon. both laughing . . Their faces in the morning when i wake them up. The first thing you think about is your wife and your kids and your family. You think about what life would be like for them, without you. So i had surgery locally, and it came back after my follow up that i needed a second surgery. And thats when i said i need a second opinion. From the moment i walked through the doors, they greet you, theyre smiling and i love the fact that they included me in the whole it makes you feel like youre part of the family. Rod came in with ah, pretty advanced cancer and i remember thinking, hes just like me, hes like my twin. Were almost the same age, the same height hes much more athletic but almost the same life circumstances as far as having kids and raising a family, he just happens to have cancer. For rod, we combined chemotherapy, radiation and surgery in order to shrink the tumor, i feel like this was the right way for me, and the right treatment for me, and the right process for me to go through. The diagnosis of cancer is one of those things that you want an answer now. We can do now here, and that is something that they appreciate because we match the sense of urgency that they have. If you or a loved one have been diagnosed with cancer, start your treatment with a team of experts who only treat cancer, every stage, every day. Its not one thing we do, its the only thing we do. Call or visit cancercenter. Com for more information. Its a new normal for me right now, makes you appreciate the Little Things in life. Every moment counts. The evolution of cancer care is here. Cancer Treatment Centers of america. What is the matter with you people . coughs i cross my heart. John wayne, hollywoods biggest star, is gonna be in my home. Okay, arthur, i believe you. But why would he possibly be coming to your house . Well. Were good friends, me and duke. Yeah, thats what all his friends call himduke. You and john wayne are friends . Uh, tell me, arthur, take a herd to abilene . I knew it. I knew it the second that you heard that that acid tongue of yours would start flapping. Arthur, in the 35 years that ive known you, never once have you mentioned being friends with john wayne. Well, he doesnt run around hollywood saying hes a friend of mine either. The man belongs in a home, walter. Arthur. Not the duke, just plain duke. All right, arthur. When was the last time you saw just plain duke . Well, actually, uh, it was, uh. mumbles never. Never. Never. Youve never met john wayne . No wonder youre such good friends. Hes gone, walter, gone. How could john wayne be a friend of yours if you never met . Well, i wrote him a letter once. Its not important. Actually, were pen pals. Arthur, you mean a fan letter it wasnt a fan letter. I just told him how wonderful i thought he was. Arthur, i dont believe this. No wonder youre too embarrassed to tell us. Youre nothing but a starstruck, adolescent, john wayne groupie. How long have you been writing to john wayne . Just once a week. For how long, arthur . Well. R had an answer. See, here it is, right here. See . Take a gander at that chuckles its real, maude. Its a real letter from john wayne. And not only that but because i am his numberone fan tonight, hes taking vivian and me to the premiere of his new movie brannigan. chuckles oh, arthur, honey, i dont want your feelings to be hurt, but, dont you see, john wayne isn