Evening, maude. Oh, hi, honey. clucking sweetheart, i havent seen you all day. Dont i rate a kiss . Not now, maude. Ever since lunch, ive had a caraway seed stuck in my in my back tooth thats driving me crazy. Wheres the dental floss . You know, i can never find anything in that cabinet. Honey, its on the righthand side. I always very carefully put everything pertaining to dental hygiene in the same place. Since when . Since the morning you gargled with my lydia pinkham. Oh, and honeyhoney, would you hurry it up . Arthurs dropping by and i invited barry over for cocktails. Barry . Barry witherspoon . Not Barry Witherspoon. You cant mean Barry Witherspoon, maude, not again, not again i knew youd be pleased. That conceited, pompous windbag is coming over again tonight . Shes gone to the dog show with her dog, chuck since when does she enter chuck in dog shows . She doesnt, dear. Chuck likes to watch. Leave it to vivian to have a wirehaired voyeur. Thats where i should go. Id rather watch a bunch of dogs sitting and heeling than listen to barry. Idea, walter. Maybe youll learn how to roll over and play dead. I tell ya, id get a lot more sleep that way. D never have to go through another evening with that egotistical knowitall. Knowitall . Walter, the man has just written a bestselling novel. Its only a best seller in tuckahoe, and thats because you personally nagged half the town into buying his lousy book. Walter, you are a small man, a very small man. You are an american bonsai. It just so happens that barry is a fascinating human being, and you would know that instead of those dumb sports articles. They are not dumb huh . Joe namath tells how to make love with your helmet on. He got five commercials that way, maude. And two bad knees. You do all this research on a perfect car, then smash it into a tree. Your Insurance Company raises your rates. Maybe you shouldve done for drivers with accident forgiveness, Liberty Mutual wont raise your rates due to your first accident. And if you do have an accident, our claims centers are available to assist you 24 7. Call for a free quote today. Liberty stands with you . You know, walter, there is such a simple way of using dental floss. It really amazes me that you dont know how. Yeah . Okay, maude, how . Youll find a needle in my sewing box. Now, string the dental floss through he eye of the needle you want your glasses, walter, or does crossing your eyes turn you on . I can see it. I can see it now what . All right, now, put two fingers of your left hand inside you mouth. Now hold the needle with your right hand. Now stick the needle in your right ear. Carefully pass it down the ear canal. Very funny, maude you see, walter, i did that deliberately. Now, that was far more vicious than anything barrys ever done, and you dont hate me. You love me. Right, walter . gargling phone ringing hello . Oh, hi, barry. gargling continues what . Youre going to be a little late . No, thats all right. Iiactually i invited dr. Harmon over for cocktails. , then i thought that just you, walter, and i would go out for dinner. gargling gets louder uh, look, barry, im sorry. What you hear is walters famous imitation of Jacques Cousteau getting the bends. Walter, please i cant hear over that racket yeah, hello again. coy oh, barry. laughing barry loudly gargling god will get you for that, walter. coughing barr . Yeah, listen, dont worry. I promise you well just have a very quiet evening. Okay, byebye. Maude, we are not having dinner with that guy tonight. I told you i cant stand him. Guy gets some special pleasure like last time, in front of everybody, giving me that lecture on the difference between infer and imply, as if i didnt know. Come on, now, walter. He just gets impatient with ninnies who constantly misuse those words. Are you inferring im a ninny . Of course not, sweetheart. Im implying youre a ninny. You were inferring. Oh, another thing, walter, you dont have to worry about having dandruff on your tonsils. How you doing, dr. Harmon . Carol. What have you got there . Oh, this is mr. Witherspoons novel. chuckles i see youre reading it to, carol. I wanna see if i can get him to sign my copy. I collect autographs, too. My prize is sigmund freud. You really met freud . Met him . He was my analyst. But i live by one rule in life never trust a doctor who has a couch in his office. Okay, walter, go ahead. Maude. Go ahead, go ahead. Leave me with a house full of people. You just go ahead. Maude, i am, i am. I definitely am im not going to spend another evening with Barry Witherspoon. Thats it for heavens sake, walter, what cou be wrong with spending an evening with a famous author like Barry Witherspoon . You know, last week he had his picture in the womens wear daily. Walter, that was a prejudiced remark. Oh, what are you talking about . Oh, come on, walter. Didnt you hear yourself . The reason you dislike barry is because, subconsciously you resent the fact that hes whispering a homosexual. I dont resent anyone being a homosexual. Neither do i. I adore gay people. Than bullfighters. What i do resent is your accusation. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You mean this witherspoon is, uh. Yes, but that has nothing to do with anything. Once you get to know him, youll love him. Cant we just be friends . You see, walter, i can expect a remark like that from arthur, but you, i mean i im shocked to find out that you have a hangup. What are you talking about . Oh, come on, walter, youre ill, ill outside youre mr. Nice guy, and inside, superjock. I resent that. What a terrible thing to say whats all the fuss about . Just because a mans homosexual . We think quite highly of them in england. Mrs. Naugatuck, i just hate remarks like that. Im beginning to realize i am the only person here who is not prejudiced. Mother, you cant say that about me. I dated a guy that was gay. Really . Why . He was a marvelous dancer, and he did my hair for half price. Carol you said it anyway oh, carol, dont you understand you put homosexuals in a different category. Well, at least i dont do that. It doesnt make any difference to me what a person is. Although, im not surprised about this witherspoon. After all, hes a writer. Oh, and all authors are homosexual, right arthur . I suppose Eugene Oneill was gay. Oh, thats different. He was irish. What has being irish got to do with it . are you trying to tell me i dont believe this. Oh, thats because the Notre Dame Football Team is polish. You knowyou see you all have problems. To me, Barry Witherspoon is just a sensitive, warm human being. And now, so far as im concerned, i would just like to drop the entire conversation. Sure you would. The only reason youre so friendly with him isis because barry is your personal homosexual. Youre prejudiced in reverse youre not serious, walter. Of course, why didnt i think about it before . Some people show off their new cars or their new house. You show off barry. Walter, thats hilarious. Oh, walter. Stop laughing, maude. Maude, you know i hate it when you laugh like that. Oh, honey, im sorry. This is the first good laugh ive had and you said, thank god, now well get straight talk. Maude, you know that i am right. About you and barry. Hes your proof that youre the big liberal, completely unbiased. Come on, walter. Are you actually inferring that im that shallow . No. Youre inferring. Im implying. Thats what is so petty about you, walter. You learn one dumb thing and then you laud it over everyone. I reserve the right to dislike any person, gay or not. When hes a rotten human being. I mean, just because carol, arthur, and mrs. Naugatuck have a hangup, that doesnt mean they have a hangup . shouting over each other what are you talking about . Shh. No, im gonna finish. muted bickering not another word about this. You hear me . Not another word tonight, and i mean that, d especially omwalt barry, darling. Mau. Oh boy, what a day. I cant tell you how ive been looking forward to a nice, quite evening with friends. Would you say no to a lot more money . [excited scream] you just won a Million Dollars no thanks. Nice balloons, though or no to more Vacation Days . Janet, im giving you an extra weeks vacation oh, ah. Nooo. What . No way. Who says no to more . Time warner cables all about giving you more. Like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. And dont forget the free tv app. Get ultrafast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. Saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. Switch to time warner cable. For 89. 99 a month youll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. We can call aunt rose as much as we want now. Switching is easy. Get our exclusive 1hour arrival window, a moneyback guarantee with no contract to sign. Plus get free installation, tv equiment and epix included. Really . The chairperson opened the meeting by singing, . When the moon comes over the mountain . She was 52 and had a 63 chest, and she could really project. She had to, to get the moon over those mountains. Very funny. I heard that joke back in the third grade. Oh . You got that far . I may not have as much education as you, barry buddy, but i learned it all out there, where it counts. I know, in the school of hard knocks. Maude. Walter. Hey gang, before i forget, i wanna get a picture of all of us together, to hang on my celebrity wall in my rumpus room. Three of his patients who survived. Maudie, i have, uh, Andy Granatelli and dr. Jonas salks nephew in a bathing suit. Mrs. Naugatuck. Mrs. Naugatuck you called, sir . Would you help us take a picture, please . Would i . Ill be delighted. Come on now, walter, nobody loves a party pooper. And you can just look through that little opening there. Please, youre talking to the person mrs. Naugatuck, he invented the telephone. Of course, so he could call me up and tell me how to use the camera. Woo hoo hoo hoo. Now, would Everybody Group in front of the bar there, altogether. Thats it. No, thats not right. Eh, mrs. Findlay, would you mind changing over with, uh, carol, please. And doctor, yes . Would you mind changing with mr. Findlay . I wanted to stand no, that side. Oh, arthur, thats all right. Hell autograph it. No, eheh, thats not right either. Uh, would you all go back to your original positions . Uhh. Mrs. Naugatuck yes, thats it there. The tall one must be in the middle. Eh, mrs. Findlay, would you mind mrs. Naugatuck, will you get on with it . oh, all right. No need to get snippy. Now, there now, wait a minute, ere. Andand the gentlemens, would you squeeze in just a little bit more . Oh, come on, walter. Hows this . Dont worry, walter. I never make passes at men with mustaches. Ha ha ha ha, barry, ha ha ha. Oh, you got the Dorothy Parker reference well, of course i did. Heaven, i loved it. Didnt you, walter . No, i didnt. Uch a bad mood . Oh, you hit a sore point with his mustache. Its molting. Walter, what is the matter with you . Barry was just making a little joke i have made dozens of jokes about your mustache. You just dont like it coming from barry because of what he is. I have nothing against what he is, and you know it. Please, walter, you cannot stay here inin the kitchen. What will i tell barry . Tell him im whipping up a batch of fudge. That is not not funny, walter. Oh, mrs. Naugatuck, bug off no respect for the photographer. A female frank sinatra, you are. Now, look, walter, we both know what is bothering you. Look, maude, if you tell me one more time whats walter listen, maude, im not going to go out there and get insulted again. Look, i promise you, walter, everything will be all right. Listen, i give you my solemn oath, he will not insult you again, my solemn oath, walter. sighs camera snaps good. Thank you, very much. Barry. Barry, im. Sorry i behaved so bad. Badly, walter. Shouldve remember that even in the school of hard knocks. That does it i dont want a cheese doodle, maude barry dont talk with your mouth full. Its impolite. Come on, put up your dukes please, arthur. Oh, this is gonna be a good one. Please, no more pictures im so sorry. Youll be knocked out by a sissy. Arthur, will you leave me alone . arthur, leave. Its time for you to leave. If anybody wants a doctor, ill be at the dog show. Carol yes, mother. Upstairs coughs will you come up later and tuck me in . Up listen to me, walter. You know what i think. No, what do you think . oh, i think ill go back into the kitchen walter, youve been trying to make a fool of yourself all night. You might as well finish the job. Barry, im gonna throw you out of my house, but only because i dont like you as a person. I can understand that. You can . Well, of course he understands, walter. Youre so obvious. Its not that, maude. Hey, wait a minute, calm down, you two. Look, walter. I tend to pick on you because youre so defensive, but its part of my charm. maude laughs barry, youre such a rascal. Maude has been helping me with my book. Were together so much. We like each other so much. This was bound to happen. Wait a minute, barry. What was bound to happen . Its a classic case. The jealous husband. together the jealous husband . Yes, i fill a need in her that you cant possibly fill. Youre afraid that im for want of better words her intellectual lover. I have a Little Corner of your wife. Of course, of course, thats it, walter. Youre jealous. Oh, i love you. Maybe i am. Oh, honey, honey, you are jealous. But you silly billy, this is all so unnecessary. I mean, imagine being jealous of barry. Whats so funny, maude . I mean, you and me, both i wish i was dead. Were dead, maude. And as far as our relationship goes, that could be the ca. Maude oh, now, come on, barry. You know i didnt mean that. Barry, you know me. I dont have a biased bone in my body. Thats right. Theyre all in your head. Oh, maude. You know, its not walter. Its you. Youre just another one of those guiltridden liberals that cant enjoy anything. M getting angry now. Youre getting angry yes, youre darn right im getting angry you call yourself my friend. Youve known me all these months. Now you tell me that i have a hangup about your homosexuality . Well, let me tell you something, maryuh, barry. Maude, about the hangup you dont have, let it bother the hell out of you. Oh, oh, walter. Oh, i am so humiliated. Oh, walter, what have i done . Walter, what have i done . Just one thing, darling. Youve learned that we all have biases, and deal with them as good as we can. As well as we can, walter. Underneath, i know i am a tolerant person. You are. You just have a little hangup. But sweetheart, you have less hangups than anyone i know. Oh, walter, i promise you i will die before i say anything derogatory about anybody again. Aw, maude. Look, maybe youll feel better if we go out and have a good dinner. Or a well dinner. Oh, all right, honey, maybe so. Good. Whatta you feel like eating . French . Italian . Spanish . No, why dont we just go down to wong fus . Donny hathaway . Lady godiva was a freedom rider . Women . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She didnt care if the whole world looked . . Joan of arc with the lord to guide her . . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She was a sister who really cooked . . Ooh ooh. . . Isadora was the first bra burner . . Aint you glad she showed up . . . Oh, yeah . . And when the country was fallin apart . . Betsy ross got it all sewed up . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres . . That uncompromisin, enterprisin . . Anything but tranquilizin . All . Right on maude . Mother so shes dropping a few hints about a raise. Arent you overreacting . Hints, carol . Hints . This morning, i woke up to find help naugatuck now written on the toilet tissue in the upstairs john. Ooh, ill kill her oh, i dont understand you. If she is so greedy, and so difficult, and so unreasonable, why dont you fire her . What can i do, carol . I love her bagpipes wheezing bagpipes wheezing okay, carol. You take the high road, ill take the low road. Carol, see you tomorrow. Hold it this demonstration is in your honor, mum. Youre the only one i know whos stingier than a scotchman. That is a terrible myth, mrs. Naugatuck. The scotch are not stingy. Wait, mrs. Naugatuck, we are in the middle of a terrible inflation. Our economy is a disaster we must learn to tighten our belts, tighten our purse strings. Well, if you think im gonna fall for that malarkey, you should tighten your nuts and bolts. Maude, guess what happened to me today . Comen,ue gu your prunes worked. Come on, maude im inmportant you found a pair of pants that fits you in the seat. No, maude, you dont understand. Oh, free i am free oh, walter, walter, please. Walter. Just thrilled what is oh, i cant tell ya how i feel oh, ithis is the happiest day of my life. Oh, come on, now, walter. Try to cheer up. Maude, you dont understand. I got a call today, maude. I got a phone call from my exwife, marta. Miserable marta called. Now, think. With all the terrible things that ive ever told you about her, what could happen to her that would make me the happiest man in the world . The good year blimp fell on her. Even better than that, maude shes getting married again. Married she went on a singles cruise to jamaica, and finally found herself a rich prince charming. No more alimony, maude. Oh. No more no more checks every month. Think of all the money well save every year, maude. Oh, walter. Walter, im so happy for you. I mean, you work so darn hard for your money. Now youll be able to enjoy all of it. Walter. Maude walter, were gonna be rich we are . all right, mrs. Naugatuck, its your lucky day, too. St of living raise you asked for. Thank you. So the tightwads finally loosened up. I mean, in this thing, i look like. Just another sexpot. You know, mrs. Naugatuck, you constantly amaze me i just gave you a raise, and you call me a tightwad. If i am such a miser, such a monster, i couldnt do that. I love her. bagpipes honk same to you. Maude. You wanna know why i got us these kimonos . We are going to. Japan. Japan . Walter. Walter, japa thats right. Walter, were go yes oh, walter, i love japan i know. Walter, i adore japan. I know. Walter, the first song i learned to play on the piano was chopsticks. Oh, walter, if carol had been a boy i wouldve named him toyota. Sweetheart, do you realize how long weve been dying to go to the orient . Oh. Were going to experience how the oriental lives oh, walter, mt. Fuji, the ginza, where will we be staying . The holiday inn. The tokyo holiday inn . Howard johnsons was full. panting thank goodness, youre home, walter. Listen, could i borrow your car . Sure. Wheres yours . Well, either vivian borrowed it, or it was stolen. What a terrible thought there could be a crook drivin around with m. D. Plates. Somehow arthur, that doesnt strike me as unusual. Arthur arthur, the greatest thing that could