Hi, im home. Hes your son you go up there and talk to him what . Youre gonna get it now your mothers home dont make a face like that it might freeze that way take that out of your mouth you dont know where its been whatever happened to hi, little pooter . Oh, sure, think of yourself, think of yourself. No one ever thinks about the poor little housemaker, except for Richard Simmons. [ as Richard Simmons ] thighs, thighs, go away. Send them all to doris day what are you so hysterical about . [ normal voice ] hysterical . Moi . Your son is doing things that would embarrass the Turkish Police now, you you go upstairs and beat some sense into him mork, i cant come home every day and be the villain. Talk some sense into him. If he doesnt listen, ill take him to a filling station and make him look at the mens room. If that doesnt work, we can always buy him a pony and own his soul for life. Mork, theres the problem. You cant bounce from one extreme to the other. Tell that to eldrich cleaver. Look, were both new at parenthood, but we cant fall apart every time he misbehaves. Mork, the key to being a good parent is consistency. What im trying to say . No. Lets go upstairs and act like two calm, responsible parents, okay . We can handle this [ bowling ball rolls, pins fall ] bowling . i dont believe it [ bowling ball rolls, pins fall ] son . Mommy mommy, mommy, mommy, have i missed you i missed you, too, sweetheart. Thats nice of you to say that. Your room is a mess you want to tell me why you were bowling in the house . Yes. It happened to be league night and all the lanes were spoken for. Mr. Smartypants, you have an answer for everything, dont you . Ha ha how about this one . Is 186,000 miles per second, and the speed of a slug is one inch an hour, how long has Robert Conrad had that battery on his shoulder . What are you talking about . This is no time for brain teasers. Go reason with your son. Right, mind. Consistency. I remember that. Dont worry. Ive seen ordinary people twice. Son . Yeah. Dad . How would you feel if you had your Little Friends over here and they saw this pigsty . You said something about having some friends over . Didnt he . Sure. How about even a sleepover . If you could prove to us that youre a responsible young man who takes a little pride in his possessions, then maybe well see. Me too . No mearth, you think about what we said. Byebye, son. Bye, dad. Mork, you handled that like a real father. Now, lets talk about the bathroom downstairs the pantyhose jungle. Im just wondering. Ive got to really clean this mess up so i can have some friends over. Zzzzzzzzz morning, little pooter. Sleep well . Oh, yeah, till about 3 00. When you took all the covers. Actually, i took em about 1 00, but you didnt notice. And your little bones shaking helped me fall asleep. Thank you. Come here, ill keep you warm. Thanks. [ knocking on door ] . Good morning, good morning . . How are we doing this morning . . . Baby mearth, your model child, is here . Thats so nice. I havent had breakfast in bed since i had my tonsils out. Are you kidding . Youve just been a little angel these last few days. Ive sure tried. I really have. Ive had something in mind, too. I want you to have the breakfast right here on your lap. You put that right down there. Am i out of line by any chance in thinking that perhaps a reward is due me . Remember, mommy, for our little lecture ed up my room and i was good and served you breakfast and everything that you might let me have some friends over . Ohhhh. Sure, sweetheart, you can have some friends over. Are you kidding . Well, then, come on down, kids mommy and daddy, this is zelka, and this is ovits. Nanu, nanu nanu, nanu boy, this is really razznick this is earth, huh . And i thought pluto was tacky those kids are amazing we turn our backs for one second look on the bright side, mind. If we ever have a telethon, were prepared. [ ring ] [ ring ] hello . Hello . Ciao . [ chuckles ] yes . Yes, we have Prince Albert in a can, and we did let him out already ha ha theyre not gonna get me twice in one day [ explosion ] sounded like a loud noise. Are you kids okay . Oh, they zapped georges head what happened, mearth . They zapped his head off wheres his head now . Somewhere over denver. Ovits ovits, youre mean, mean, mean thank you, thank you, thank you ovits, you are shut up, you wimp im gonna give you okay, quit it stop this mearth i thought orkans were supposed to be nonviolen mearth, ovits, i want you two to make up right now, or youre going to spend the day in the corner. Ovits i dont wanna i dont wanna i dont wan ovits okay. Okay. I am i am sorry i blew georges head off. Im gonna tell you something not to you, mommy, ever but to you youre hateful, mean, nasty. Well, thats good. Now, shake. Thats better. [ beam sounds ] oh, too bad. Its time to go home. Theres the beam. Goodbye, mr. And mrs. Mcconnell. It has been a lovely visit. Nanu, nanu nanu zelka, you missed the beam no, i didnt. Mearth asked me to sleep over. Come on, mearth. I want to hear that new Olivia Newtonjohn record lets get physical . Yeah. It makes me crazy zelka cant spend the night. Can she . We gave our permission, min. Remember consistency. Come off it, min. Theyre innocent. Theyre just kids. D thing is hard to get the hang of. I keep forgetting theyre just babies. Even though their bodies are anatomically correct. When you think about it, mearths just into snakes and snails and puppy dog tails and miss january. Cowabunga, buffalo bob and look at that sitting on a tractor, too. Mork, see what i mean . We never know what hes going to do next. So fast. But ill tell you one thing when boys start reading magazines like these its time for their father to sit down with them and have a little talk about the difference between boys and girls. Weve already worked that out. Ive told him that boys like to play sports, and girls like to wear makeup, and if youre alice cooper, you can do both. Like i said, we need to have a little talk. After zelka leaves, the three of us are going to sit down may i ask you something . Am i out of line in asking you for a stethoscope . Well, sweetheart, i dont have a stethoscope. Ahh guess ill have to use my ear. My son, the doctor. Mork, were gonna have to keep our eyes on those kids. Min, we cant go upstairs. We have to scrub up first. He might be in surgery. Would you say no to a lot more money . [excited scream] you just won a Million Dollars no thanks. Nice balloons, though or no to more Vacation Days . Janet, im giving you an extra weeks vacation oh, ah. Nooo. What . No way. Who says no to more . Time warner cables all about giving you more. Like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. Get ultrafast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. Saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. Switch to time warner cable. For 89. 99 a month youll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. We can call aunt rose as much as we want now. Switching is easy. Get our exclusive 1hour arrival window, a moneyback guarantee with no contract to sign. Plus get free installation, tv equiment and epix included. Really . Well, isnt this fun . Camping out in the living room, all together. Yeah, you get the best of both worlds. You get that Great Outdoor feeling, and that great indoor carpet ha ha ha what is happening here . You tell me what is happening here . Erness family. Does anybody have a good story theyd like to tell . Oh, mearth, ive got one. I was at the ork farm, milking a fring, and this traveling salesman came along and asked me if i wanted to see what was in his sample case. Would anyone like a soft drink . No, thank you. So, i said no and he went away and i never saw him again. The end. Thats great, zelka. Thats more plot than Kurt Vonnegut ever uses. I think this is a perfect time for my raisin loaf story. Not yet, min. You dont want to peak too soon. Ar ar ar itll slay you come on, now, kids. Kids, ill tell you what. How about this . Lets pretend were not even in the living room, but well use our imaginations [ chanting ] larry, aquarius. [ chanting ] listen look animals everywhere [ imitates elephant ] [ imitates chimpanzee ] [ imitates gorilla ] [ chanting ] now, come on boy, if we can keep a couple of these things for the san diego zoo. Come on. Youll be the great white hunter. Er, the reasonable white hunter. Ill be your faithful gun bearer, beba. I will cut through the jungle for you. [ british accent ] ah, good. Forget that. Nnnnnyyaaa nnnnnyyaaaaa oh, careful of the little fellow. Nnnnnyyaaa nnnnnyyaaaaa ah youve done a magnificent job. What did im sorry, your name again. Bebasay. [ laughing ] bebasay. Yes. Do you have a gun of any kind . I dont want that machete. [ loudly ] whatever you want, boss we got a telescopic sight, here if they get in real close, we got a putter and if they get real close, you wont see me around here lets get on with the animals. Look one of em is charging now he doesnt even have credit there you go shoot the sucker shoot the sucker get at it get at it get at it the animal has obviously got a thorn in its paw. Give it a chance. Give me the small handgun. [ imitates gunshot ] [ snarls ] hold on to it look at it [ growls ] [ hisses ] sometimes if you mock them, they hate it. [ hisses ] [ snarls ] oh thats just right for the living room. Look, a snake a snake coming, boss wait, ill spin you out of it bleaaaah ahh got me now ive got you. Whoa there we are. All right. We must approach them gently. Give me that bazooka. Im not going to fool around. All right, boss there it is heres the shell. One is in. Ready . Yes. Gee where are the bloody aspirin . Hurry up, boss put a shell in it. Ill put another one in [ imitates bazooka firing ] oh oh oh, boy, has that sucker got a kick oooooh, you done it now you killed Marlin Perkins morning oh yeah, min, isnt this the life . Oh, yeah. No kids wheres mearth and zelka . . Lets get physical, physical, physical . . Lets get physical . . Your body talk . Min, hes your son. Good luck. What were you kids doing up there . Sleeping we couldnt sleep in the living room because there was so much noise. Mearth shes right. Mommy, even though you have a little bump of a nose, you snore loud. Gee, mearth, thanks for not letting me sleep alone. Maybe hes just being a good host, min. [ beam sounds ] oh, theres the beam, zelka. You have to go home now. Gee, mr. And mrs. Mcconnell, thank you for letting me stay over. You have a great son. Boy, am i going to miss you. Ooh, am i going to miss you. Ill see you back in school and ill get a chance to sleep over at your house. Nanu i got to tell you something, mommy and daddy. They got to really work the kinks out of that beam. I think weve postponed having our little talk long enough. Youre right, min. I guess im in the batters box. Come along, son. Surely. Oh. Son . Yes . Good training on my part. Son . [ clears throat ] basically, in this world, there are two types of people. Lets just say male and female. You learn that on the street. And these male and female they fall in love. They register at bloomingdales, then they get married. And they try to marry off all their single friends. I like the raisin loaf story better. I think you left something out. Oh, yeah, sometimes they dont register. They ask for the cash. [ mumbling ] i meant the part about how the babies get to be babies. [ mumbling ] oh, you think hes interested in that right now . [ voice cracking ] all right, um. [ clears throat ] you see, son eeeeeeeeeee. And this, no. Um, son. Well, the only way i can really do this is a mind probe. Yeah, thats it. Here we go, son. Hold on. Eeeeeeeee. Wait a minute, daddy. Whats that got to do with me . Well, sweetheart, zelka said you didnt sleep alone. Did she say that . Mmhmm. She didnt sleep alone exactly. I gave her my teddy bear. She slept with teddy upstairs. As a matter of fact, i slept downstairs in your bed. You see . And, incidentally, about your story. Now, its time for me to go. Sweetheart . If you didnt understand daddys story, then why was that funny magazine in your pocket . Remember . I remember. Of course, i remember. As a matter of fact, that was in mr. Bickleys garbage, and i was gonna make some paper airplanes out of it, i think id better get going right now. I want to make the beds. I really want to make them real good because next time around i want to stay over at zelkas. Oh, we sure did jump to conclusions, didnt we . Zelka slept with his teddy. You know what the really hard part is now . What . Mork calling orson. Come in, orson. Mork calling orson. Come in, orson. I need to practice. Im playing in a celebrity tournament on the planet huka. What about my report, sir . You can give your report while we play. Service. Sir, this week my report is about parenthood. Ha ha ha again . you know, mork, i could use a little variety. Well, sir, how about a little topspin on this one . Ah ha ha lately, all you seem to talk about is raising your son. Sir, its a very tough job keeping the children of today from becoming the children of tomorrow. Out. Sir, i beg to differ with you. I think that was in. I said out. [ thunder crashes ] who am i to question one of your judgments . Only my husband would buy out the entire airport gift shop in his own hometown. Will you take off the silly hat, please . You look like a character from tumbleweeds. Oh, im sorry, mind. I had to do something, though. I really miss our little bouncing baby man. I do, too. Im gonna miss mearth, but its good for him to be with dad in florida. Just think theyll camp out, sleep under the stars, swat mosquitoes. Yeah wait a minute. Thats how deliverance started. Itll be a good experience for him. Anyway, we could really use the time together. If you think about it, the baby was born as soon as we got married, as just husband and wife. But im still gonna miss the little buggerpoo him sneaking around with his little polaroid trying to take pictures of us. In compromising positions. Uhhuh. Yeah, im gonna miss waking up to, mommy, how come you look so different in the morning . And when i go to the park, whos gonna push me on the swing . Boy, listen to us. Theres more to our marriage than just being parents. Just think we can spend a whole week together, just the two of us. You got any ideas . Theres an exciting new series on tv where the osmond family plays the donner party. To tell you the truth, i think we can do better than sitting around watching television. I really had something more exciting and exotic in mind. Well, we could buy a parrot. Then teach it to talk dirty. I know were a couple of vibrant young people that wear trendy clothes. The world belongs to us. And the opec nations. You smooth talker, you. [ giggling ] [ laughing lecherously ] [ telephone rings ] mork the telephone [ giggling ] shh not right now hello . Yes, this is mindy. Wait one second, please. Mork, will you stop it . Ill be off in a minute. Shh, shh, shh hello . Yes, im back. Now . Yeah, but what about yes, sir. Okay, ill be right over. Bye. [ sighs ] oh, god. Mork. This isnt the way i wanted to start our week, but i gotta go meet the camera crew. A usedcar dealer has been kidnapped, or cover the story. I understand, mind business before pleasure. But dont you worry. Tonight when you come home, ill give you magic. And if i cant get him, ill get kareem. [ middleeastern music playing ] [ singing in Foreign Language ] . I remember you . That was a little slim whitmahan. Youre gonna love the next course. Its couscous and mahimahi. I got the recipe from lulu in walla walla. How she got the recipe, ill never nalla nalla. Theres no silverware. Were supposed to eat with our fingers . Oh, yes, because, you see, all the silverware is used in morroco to tunnel out of prison. And careful there dont dip in the food. You can dip, but dont dip. Take a piece of this and take some of this and put some of that in there like this. And then you savor the taste. [ chuckles ] oooh. Ugh ugh so hard to get fresh camel lips in boulder, mind. Ohh. You know, mork, i have a confession to make. I was afraid that with mearth gone, oh, well have plenty of things to talk about, but after this. What . Youll see. [ bellydancing music plays ] oh. Who is that . Oh, sorry. Fatima, mindy mindy, fatima. I would have gotten the snake charmer, but his kid was having a bar mitzvah. Ink she wants to dance with you, mind. Uh, well, you go ahead. My navel jewel is out being appraised. It wont be the same effect without a halter top. [ cooing ] [ imitating revving engine ] [ bell dings ] round two. You and fatima chat. Maybe you can ask her where she got these wonderful clothes. You dance really well. You know, casablanca was my favorite film. Specialty of the house the shish kebob or in the very elegant restaurants, shish kerobert. Its the beginning we must have some more spices. A little brandy. You can never have too much of this on there. Wait a minute its kind of academic because it is now. It looks kind of high. Ddont panic. I know how to deal with this. Fire fire mmin. Dont make a mess, hon. [ sighs ] [ sighs ] well, its all right now. Its all right . How about the next time we do this, you schlep down to moroccan town going, [lisps] you must buy this you must buy this im sorry i ruined our perfect evening, mind. Im just tragedys pawn. I feel like an outerspace eddie fisher. Oh, mork, it was no tragedy. Nobody was hurt. You call burning up lamb at 9 a pound no tragedy . Believe me there are worse things in life. Im glad you feel that way, mindy, because i think fatima danced out of here i love what you tried to do. But now, the fires out and fatimas out and were alone. Youre right. We dont need external stimuli. We can make our own chemistry. Well have our own 4th of july, without the vandalism. Theres something i was thinking oh, no. You go oh, you oh, no. Go ahead. Oh, no, you. I insist. All right, ill go. Theres something thats been bugging me ever since i landed on earth. What . You know that song, this old man . When he hits 12, whats he play knickknack on . You actually wonder about things like that, dont you . Boing, boing, boing. [ whistling this old man ] catchy song, isnt it . Oh. Yeah. Yeah. This is great great . We havent said a word. No, look i found a bicentennial quarter. Thats wonderful, mind. Mork, this is silly. I mean, look at us. Were as uncomfortable as a pair of teenagers on a blind date. We must have something to talk about. I dont know anything. Ask me how work was. All right. How was work . Somebody parked in my parking place today. Boy, thats life in the big city, huh . Do you want me to ask you how your lunch was . No youre not supposed to ask what to ask. Were having a conversation. Oh, no, mind. Besides, i dont know why i have to ask what i have to ask when i dont know what i want to ask when i want to ask it. Im not getting defensive. Youre out of line mork, whats wrong with a husband and wife trying to have a conversation . I mean, look, our lives have been moving so fast. We havent had a chance to talk about hardly anything. Like what .