Transcripts For WNCN The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2016

WNCN The Late Show With Stephen Colbert November 23, 2016

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As this may keep these problems from becoming more serious. These are not all the possible side effects of opdivo. Tell your doctor about all your medical conditions, including immune system problems, or if youve had an organ transplant, or lung, breathing, or liver problems. A chance to live longer. Ask your doctor about opdivo. See opdivotv. Com for this and other indications. Bristolmyers squibb thanks the patients, nurses, and physicians [ music ] okay, im glad youre in a good mood tonight. [ applause ] my next guest is a young comedienne who is her first appearance on the tonight show. She will be appearing at caesars in lake tahoe november 28 through the sixth of december, and at the improvisation at the Riviera Hotel in las vegas the 7th through the 13th of december. Would you welcome jann karam. Jann . Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. Im very excited to be here. Plus, on the way over, i just met a new guy. It was great how we met. We were fighting over this taxi. We got inside and he offered me a certs. [ laughter ] and, um, im wearing new clothes. I just got this today. Do you like it . [ applause ] the bracelet, the watch. They were all birthday gifts. Well, it wasnt my birthday, but i needed them more than the people i bought them for. [ laughter ] i really like shopping, you know, but doesnt it seem like everywhere you go in this town, somebody comes up to you and says, excuse me, miss, can i help you please . [ laughter ] [ applause ] what do you need [ laughter ] i always wonder if americans move to other countries if they get all the jobs in all the department stores. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and they try to sell you anything with attitude. Thats what i dont like. If you look in these fashion magazines and see these models. First of all, theyre very thin, and second of all, theyre so grouchy. Theyre wearing expensive clothes. They should be showing us how happy these clothes make them, but they just stand there in the middle of a magazine going [ laughter ] buy this dress. Ugh damn you. And they never smile, these girls, even in real life, because theyre afraid if they open their mouths, people will throw food in. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and, you know what i dont its the same kind of people, though, that you see on these if you watch them, everybody on there is really phony. Nobody acts this way in real life. Do you do this . I dont know anyone that does this. You dont really say to somebody, i tried. [ laughter ] to love you. [ laughter ] i have tried, and i have tried, and i have tried. [ laughter ] you make a fool out of me in front of my friends, and your friends, and my friends fds friends friends. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] and that guy down the street, and that lady with her dog, and that family on the elevator. And that dogs friends. [ laughter ] thank god i dont care what other people think. And they always have news. I have news for you, mister. [ laughter ] i got the post, the times, [ laughter ] cigarettes appear from nowhere. [ laughter ] you think i loved you . [ laughter ] get out. [ laughter ] [ applause ] but you w ill tell you, i would like to get out of california sometimes. You know, its really nice here but, uh, there is so much tan pressure. [ laughter ] you always have to have a tan. And if you dont, you have to make excuses. I have been so busy. [ laughter ] so people, say, well, im a member. It only takes 30 minutes. Like, thats a real healthy alternative. You might as well just sit in the microwave. [ laughter ] [ applause ] its like, you look good, but youre developing this horrible skin disease. A few years later, youre dead. People go to your funeral. Such good color. [ laughter ] and the sun is equally hal. You know, people go on vacation, and they spend weeks in the sun, and they come back with that tan attitude, as if they think everyones been waiting for them. Like theyre gonna change the world. Just like theyre busting into a saloon. Yeah. I have a tan. [ laughter ] settle down. Hey, yeah, ill go ahead and buy everyone a round of drinks. Im pretty bronze this season. Whats your secret . Sunscreen, ladies . I dont think so. Oh, dont get me wrong, i used to use a 15. Then i got down to a four, and then a two. Now i just rub on some baby oil if i feel like it. [ laughter ] five years later they make a handbag out of you. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you go, nice skin luggage by bob. [ laughter ] these are my children, wallets. [ laughter ] you know why theres a lot of tan pressure . Because people associate a tan with success. I see someone with a tan, i assume theyre successful. Oh, look at you. You must be doing all right. Oh, yeah, i got a promotion. I won the lottery. Youre so dark. [ laughter ] you see somebody else, you say, woah, what happened to you . Theyre pale. They say, lost my job, getting a divorce, i just got out of the care unit. You go, you better get some sun, straighten out your life. [ laughter ] you dont even have a strap mark. What a loser. [ laughter ] cause people act like its a job. You always say, nice tan. They go, oh, well, thanks. Ive been working on it. Like its an accomplishment. Something youre real d whatd you do today . I laid out. Well, at least you got something done. [ laughter ] youre so aggressive, what a gogetter. Youre gonna be president if you get any darker. [ laughter ] [ applause ] would you say no to a lot more money . [excited scream] you just won a Million Dollars no thanks. Nice balloons, though janet, im giving you an extra weeks vacation oh, ah. Nooo. What . No way. Who says no to more . Time warner cables all about giving you more. Like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. Call now. And dont forget the free tv app. Get ultrafast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. Saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. Switch to time warner cable. Free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. We can call aunt rose as much as we want now. Switching is easy. Get our exclusive 1hour arrival window, a moneyback guarantee with no contract to sign. Plus get free installation, tv equiment and epix included. Really . Honest. No. Okay, briefly. [ applause ] this, uh, our next guest has a rather unusual story. About a year ago, he had never acted before in his life, and today, he has a regular role on the Television Series franks place. Its a good show. Great show. Which is on another network. Would you welcome don yesso. Don . [ applause ] [ music ] david said you were talking backstage and you were nervous. This is easy. Well, my armpits a little wet, my hands are a little cold, and my toes are a little numb. Other than that, im fine. Well, good. Its good that youre here. Thank you. Um, i wanted to tell you something, mr. Carson. Ive gotten a lot of birthday presents throughout my life, but this is by far the best birthday present ive ever got. Its your birthday. Yes, sir. Well, happy birthday. Thank you. Good for you. [ applause ] wheres home for you . New orleans. New orleans . Now, tell me how this happened. I heard that you were simply on an airplane coming out to the coast, and the guy you were sitting next to tell me what happened. Yes, sir. I was getting on a flight from los angeles to new orleans, coming home after looking into some graduate schools and stuff, and i saw this guy kind of fidgeting down the aisle, and he walks on over, and he bums a cigarette from me. We Start Talking for a couple hours. He says, uh, you think, uh, you might be interested in being in a tv series . I said, ah, get out of here. He said, no, im serious. I thought about it all of 20 seconds, and i said, sure, why not . I got nothing else to do. And, uh, so we land at the airport. Theres a big 80foot boat called a limousine waiting there for us, and, um, the guy says, come on, ill give you a lift home. I go to my mothers house, and we pull up. Its late at night. Its an older neighborhood, you know. Did you think this guy was for real . Oh, yeah, by the time i saw the limo, i knew you he wasnt kind of pulling my leg. Yeah. And, uh, so, uh, we get out there, and the limo guy was pulling my luggage out, and it was about quarter to one in the morning. Well, did car lights coming on, dogs are barking and all and everything. Flannel robe from head to knee, donald, is that you . And im like, yeah, ma, get inside. [ laughter ] i said this guy would never harm me. Thinks im one of the beverly hillbillies. But, so, he says, gimme a call in about a week. You know, and he says, well see what we can do for you. And i said, sure, no problem. You came out, and i loaded up the car, drove on out here, uh, had a little second thoughts. Did a little gut checking. Said, i must be nuts. Aint nobody wanna see me on no tv series. I almost turar yeah. So i came on out here, and, uh never acted before . No, sir. They threatened to break both my legs if i started taking some acting lessons. Yeah. But i did but after i read for the network and everything, uh, you know, they called me up and said, congratulations, you got the part. And this was like a friday afternoon. I went, what am i gonna do . Ive got until monday morning to learn how to act. So i went out [ laughter ] theres a challenge, all right. So i went out and bought me an acting book. You got an acting book. Yeah, i got me act in front of the camera. Well, it says, uh, be nice to the cast and crew, show a little, uh, etiquette and stuff like that. Yeah. You know, how to hit a mark. And then, uh, make sure you find an agent. Be best friends with your agent. Oh, yeah, thats important. So i read that, and that was that was that. So you make it sound pretty easy. Everybody watching the show is gonna say, hey, yesso read a book. He walked out here, and hes on a tv show just like that. It wasnt quite that easy. I mean, you know, i had to learn a few lines and stuff. But after that it was a piece of cake, and mr. Hugh wilson, the guy that i did meet on the plane whos the executive producer, you know, ourour almighty executive producer. I can say that to the boss. Oh, the executive producer on it. And, uh you got all this show business stuff already, dont you . Yeah, i know how to schmooze and stuff. [ laughter ] what did you do before . What did you do before, don . Uh, i was in graduate School Working on my second degree. I was gonna be a high school coach. Is that right . Yes, sir, and, uh, i had a few things that kinda went kind of defunct. Yeah. Matter of fact, the bill collectors, they see this, theyll probably come looking for me. Maybe i blacked out and that happened. Acting is probably gonna make you more bucks than being a high school coach, right, or coaching . Well, its a lot more fun. I love hollywood. Do you . Yeah. Im having a lot of fun, yeah. I like this stuff. Im meeting all kinda whats really nice about it is who have you met so far thats impressed you . Can you say that . You know, stuff well, what do you mean . I asked who you met. Well, i could you know, i met jill st. John. Ooh. Oh, yeah, that was like yeah. Hey, yo, yo. Youre talking heavy duty stuff now. I went on over to her and introduced myself, you know. Shed be real impressed, you hear . So, uh, i walked on over to her and talked to her, and im sitting there and im looking in her face and i say, man, you know, i been admiring this lady for a long time, and im sitting there talking to her like me and you are right now. Yeah. So, i mean, its like and i sneak in all this all she, uh are filming movies and stuff . I sneak in yeah, sure, go in and introduce people, and like, id try and get some autographs and stuff. Yeah. But i wear chef whites on the show, you know . And they think im the cook from the commissary. [ laughter ] so you just blend in . So a lot of people throw me out, you know, but were gonna come back. Sounds fabulous. Stay where you are. [ applause ] attention are you eligible for medicare . The medicare enrollment deadline is just a few weeks away. Changes to medicare plans could impact benefits available to you . New plans are now available that could increase your benefits and lower how much you pay out of pocket. To update your coverage or enroll for the first time call healthmarkets. Well help you make sure you have the right medicare plan. Hi, im doctor martin gizzi. Its a new medicare year. That means more changes. And more confusion. Heres what i tell my patients. Start by asking. 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If you miss the deadline, you may have to wait another year before enrolling. Call a licensed healthmarkets agent now. Call now. Call this number by the deadline. And let healthmarkets find the right medicare plan for you without cost or obligation. Call now. [ music ] look, we only had, uh, we only had a brief time to get to know you. Can you come back with us soon in a couple of weeks . cause youre a fascinating story. Oh, believe me. Youre pretty fascinating yourself. Okay, don. Have a nice weekend. Good night. [ applause ] i cant believe it. Ill get back to you. Whatever you do, do not sell that ticket. Antonio, antonio i need 500 quick. Barbra streisand is giving a special concert in boston and i have a chance to get a ticket. Well, sure, fay id be glad to lend you 500 if i hadnt foolishly squandered it on heat, rent and grandmas insulin shots. Cochran, did i hear you right . You were able to land a ticket to that special streisand concert . Yes, but i only have a few minutes to get 500 bucks. I have worshipped barbra from the beginning. I got married to funny girl divorced to the way we were and wrote my last alimony check to happy days are here again. Oh, then youll lend me the money for the ticket . Oh, not on your life. I will pay for the ticket and we can split that seat. Well take turns, so well each see a little part of the concert. Fay okay, its a date. Great oh, im so excited. Isnt life funny . Ive dreamed of this moment but i never thought it would happen. Oh, itll be pure magic. So, roy, got yourself a little snugglebunny. Helen hi. Hey, helen. Guess what . I just got off the phone with mom. Shes coming for the weekend. Moms coming here . Thats great we havent seen her in years. Moms coming here . Deedees coming . Thats great. Deedee chappel. Get ready to unzip your pants. No, she used to make huge dinners. Everyone got so full they had to undo their pants. Remember those chocolate chip pancakes she used to make . Remember them . Thats the dish they say killed bob the mailman. I used to polish off three stacks of those in one sitting. Only three . What were you doing, watching your figure . So, uh, what are you saying . Im saying ive eaten snacks bigger than you. My mama also loved to cook. Oh. I know why shes coming. For you. What . You broke up with stuart so shes coming to be with you. Oh, i dont think thats it. I havent exactly told mom about stuart yet. Youve been separated for months. Where does she think hes been all this time . In the bathroom. Every time she calls to help you plan your wedding. You think thats why . Of course. Oh, thatd be great. Theres so much to plan my gown, the caterer. Dont forgot the band and the flowers. Whoa, im going to stop this train before it leaves. Im not letting you three chappel women talk me into spending thousands of dollars like jim and marsha at their wedding. You liked their wedding. Oh, please. The stupid champagne waterfall, the gypsy violinists e bride and groom sculpted in shrimp. No. Theres no way were going to waste our money on stuff like that. You wont have to. I think moms bringing the check. What check . When stuart and i got married mom and dad helped us pay for it. Thats very nice but all we want is a simple ceremony followed by a nice tasteful dinner with a few of our close friends. The check was for 10,000. Ill call jim and marsha. Come on, cochran. Get the lead out. I dont want to be late for streisand. Now heres my list of all the songs i want to hear barbra sing. Are you nuts . I didnt pay 500 bucks to hear you dont bring me flowers and a medley from the disco years. Then lets make it simple. You take the seat for the first half of the concert. Then at intermission, you come outside and ill watch the second half. Fair enough. Lets go. Helen, i want you to look at this wedding brochure. For only 500 bucks we can arrive at the ceremony in a motorized viking ship. Joe, would you stop thinking about the money . The important thing is my mama is coming here to see me. Isnt she . Why is that hard to believe . Well, shes always had a special bond with casey i never had. Sometimes id be with them nized omelet chefs. Hey. Hi, antonio. Hey, whats with the tie . I want to look nice. Helens mama coming today. You dont even know her mother youre all dressed up. Hey, a mama deserves respect. Get a haircut. Helen, is mom here yet . No. Youre putting on your wedding ring . Just because stuarts in the bathroom doesnt mean i cant wear it. Oh, there are my girls. Come here, you two. Oh, mom. Oh. Oh, you both look so gorgeous. Well, we take after you. Thats sweet. Oh, i was going to say that. So hows daddy . Oh, hes fine. I was going to ask that. He couldnt come because his hernia popped again. Oh, dont tell me that that handsome young man is my future soninlaw. No. You forget deedee. Its mom. Im so glad. Say it. What . I want to hear mom come out of this adorable face. Mom. Oh. Wheres my other soninlaw . Wheres stuart . And dont tell me hes in the bathroom again. Of course

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