We have to do the commercial . George carlin will be out in a moment. Ana obregon will join us. [ applause ] stay with us. You didnt read your Car Insurance policy. You just stuck it in a drawer somewhere and forgot about it. Until a dump truck hit your pickup truck and now you need a tow truck. Does your policy cover the cost of a tow truck . Who knows . You didnt read it. You cant even find it. Makes it easy to know what youre covered for and what youre not. Call Liberty Mutual for a free quote today at coverage compass . Gives you the policy information you need at a glance. Available 24 7 on your mobile device. Switch to Liberty Mutual and you could save up to 509. Call liberty stands with you . Liberty mutual insurance. My next guest you all know. George is one of the most funniest guys working today. Hes just published a new book called sometimes a little brain damage can help. [ laughter ] would you welcome George Carlin . [ applause ] [ music ] how you doing . Thank you. Nice to see you. I havent been here in about six months, so ive got a few things stored up i wanted to mention to you, so id like ta with the meditation tonight if you dont mind. Any new business . Anybody with real needs . [ laughter ] its just johnny. Johnny will be in charge of real needs tonight. [ laughter ] we missed a couple of holidays together, and we just had a recent holiday, and i just wanted to make sure that everyone had a really nice, happy halloween. I like halloween. Dont you . Halloween is fun. We did something a little different this year. Were kind of on a health kick at our house, and when the kids came around trick or treating. Instead of giving them candy we gave them a vitamin b12 shot. Yeah. It takes two people. One to hold the kid. The other one to give him the shot. [ laughter ] give them a handful of zinc tablets, and send them on their way. You know. [ laughter ] also thanksgiving has come and gone since i saw you last, and again. We did something a little bit different. We didnt have turkey this year. We had a seagull. [ laughter ] you ever have them . Theyre nice. Theyre a little fishy, you know, but [ laughter ] great thing about a seagull. You dont have to add too much salt. [ laughter ] by the way, have you not [ laughter ] also easter rhymes with keister. [ laughter ] however, nothing rhymes with nostril. I figured that stuff all alone. [ laughter ] hey. Im feeling fairly good. I like to keep hurrying here because i never know which one of these things are going to die. [ laughter ] but i did have kind of a good day. A lot of comedians will tell you that. I had a really good day. I found some macaroni and cheese this morning that i lost about a year and a half ago. Everything has happened prior to now . [ laughter ] well, this is the kind of stuff i think of when im walking home alone backwards. [ laughter ] also how come there are no b batteries . [ laughter ] it bothers me. I think kleenex should have targets in them. Dont you . Would that be nice . [ laughter ] look, dan. A 50. [ applause ] thats what we need. Right. Superman never pulls up for a landing . He jumps out a window like that. He flies like this, but he never goes woah. [ laughter ] also the lone ranger in tanto never got their laundry done. [ laughter ] just something i noticed on my own. By the way, for those of you interested in foreign languages. The german word for blue is blue or Something Like that. You notice every now and then the news they have nothing to say, and they say, by the way, mickey mouse is 50. I dont care. [ laughter ] i dont care, and i dont want to hear when hes 60. Dont tell me. Just dont bother. I hope he dies. [ laughter ] i hope mickey dies. Im glad i said it finally. Wow. Man. Hey. Im doing rodney. [ laughter ] have you noticed [ applause ] have you noticed when you have a hat on for a long time it feels like its not there, and then when you take it off it feels like its still there. Okay. All right. Okay. [ applause ] lets hear it for scotch tape. Huh . Yay. Yay. A lot of great stuff. Hey. Did you ever [ laughter ] did you ever picture a place you havent been to like somebody tells you about their house, but youve never been there, so you form a mental picture, and then when you go there. You see its different, and then later on that week when you think of their house. Do you think of your version, its your choice. [ laughter ] wouldnt show business be great if everybody had their original teeth . Thats what id like to see. All that weird you know, some people really probably got some bad teeth, and sometimes you can tell. You know what i do . I watch the actors, and usually the caps end here, and theyve got yellow all back here. [ laughter ] yellow on the bottom. I look for that. Thats what i do when im home alone, and the television is broken. [ laughter ] did you ever eat two chickens in the same day . Sometimes you do. Cant help it. Sometimes at lunch you have a chicken sad then you go to someones house that evening, and they have chicken. Do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other . [ laughter ] did you ever notice in a hotel they give you a sewing kit. You know what i do . Sew the towels together. [ laughter ] i dont care. I dont care. Its like juliet said to romeo. Get your hands off of me. [ laughter ] hey. Is this going out . Only the good parts. Okay. Going straight to their homes. I hope. Jeez. I keep thinking its tuesday. Im sorry, man. Hey. If you want to have a little fun. [ laughter ] if you want to have a little fun. Go to miss magazine. Go to the main offices of miss magazine, and say, hey. Any of you gals like to come home, and cook me a nice meal . [ laughter ] speaking of women, by the way. You guys when youre trying to pick up a lady. When you ask for her phone number, and it starts with five five five. [ laughter ] speaking of women as i was the last two things i mentioned. Ive never made it with a ten, but one night i made it with five twos. [ laughter ] [ applause ] listen. By the way, they found another gabor sister. Harpo. [ laughter ] listen. You want to have a little fun . Harmonize with the dial tone. You ever do that . You dont have a lot to do. Pick up the phone, and go you go [ laughter ] get everybody in your office tomorrow on the extensions and go [ laughter ] well, i think thats about it for me. I just wanted to mention one thing to you. Remember. Youre never alone. You always have yourself. Good night. See you later. [ music ] [ applause ] two chickens knew each other. Well be back. [ music ] [ applause ] hello, there. Thank you, doc. Were talking with author this used to be in the latter part of the show. Fit spot. So its fitting right in here. This book is weird, george. Thank you, john. And funny. Weird and funny. The book club. Well, yeah. This is i have my own copy here if you dont mind. These are subtitles of books youre thinking of these are books that are being offered right now. If you join now you get all these books free. Uh huh. Where to bring a short woman. [ laughter ] never trust a nun with a gunshot wound. [ laughter ] how to make a flagpole out of a basketball. Right. How to remove a cyst [ laughter ] adopting the dead. Very nice. Yeah. A complete list of everyone who enjoys coffee. [ laughter ] you can have a career in salt. How to get through College Without a pencil. [ laughter ] are these things that happened when you feel bad at night, or late in the early in the morning. Yeah. As i say. When the tv is broken, and i sit down with my pen and pencil. No pad. Just a pen and pencil. [ laughter ] pull out your hair, and sing. Yes. Fast. See i think people have to be sitting there, and they sort of grow. Youve got five in a row, and then you sort of fall out of your chair. [ laughter ] what else do we got here . This is to be hoped. Other books. I didnt see that. Oh. Those are ones that i wrote myself. The history of music in iowa. Yes. [ applause ] six ways oh, i cant read that one. There are so many here that a just a little earthy. Okay. [ laughter ] as they say. Heres one. Eat, run, stay fit, and die anyway. [ laughter ] [ applause ] the wrong underwear can kill. True. [ laughter ] how to filet a panda. [ laughter ] when to let your bowels go crazy. [ laughter ] i mean, what is this . Some people need guidance on these things. [ laughter ] then we have a feature here, johnny. In the future these are some things which are you know, according to scientists these things will probably occur. You want to be careful on a couple of these, too, by the way. Yeah. I have to read these very quickly to make sure. In the future ill try ill start you with one here. A huge fee at birth, and then pretty much leave them alone. [ laughter ] thatll cut out the middleman right there. Yeah. Absolutely. I like that. In the future vegetables will grow so large they will have to be eaten right at the farm. [ laughter ] these are the kind of things when you are a kid. They had the in the future man will control the weather with a large hammer. [ laughter ] no one will take drugs, but people will still buy them, and carry them around. [ laughter ] american businessmans credo. Youve got a lot of things in here. Yeah. Well, its a lot of its stuff you know what it really amounts to, johnny. I saw me in here. Oh, yeah. Youre on the page of i saw myself in here on predictions. Celebrity predictions. Don ho will change his name to ho don. [ laughter ] Johnny Carson will stop getting married, but will continue to get divorced. [ laughter ] youve got to do your reading. Continue to get divorced. Paul newman will give up race driving, and hitch hike across the country in a pirate costume. Just things that came out of the file. You know, and i decided one day to get them together. News from around the world. Oh. Ive got something for you, john, that might even be a little more attractive to you than that. This is called as soon as he found it, he said. Well, i aint going to worry about it now. Things you never see. Really interesting twins. [ laughter ] a guy who snorts iron ore. [ ht a bum with nice luggage. [ laughter ] heres things youll never see. A lore intestine donor. Right. [ laughter ] i go right for the weirdos. And 80 year old woman with a well coordinated wardrobe. [ laughter ] [ applause ] we got him. Oh, thats funny. Anyway. George carlin. Sometimes a little brain damage can help. Well, doing a lot of things in real life, but, you know off that path a little bit. Were very interested in charities. As you know ive been working a lot with the malibu home for the unimportant. [ laughter ] were trying to get a new group together called vasectomies for the unwilling. [ laughter ] also the yelling and screaming clinic. I suppose. Oh, yes. Theyre right next door. You just move them from one building into the next. Youre not into the one i donate to. Whats that . The polish home for unwed bowlers is apparently large. [ laughter ] thats something id like to get tied into if i could. You know, were interested in the squat people of america are starting to reach out. The squat people. Squat. You know how they say a guy whos short and squat. Yeah. Well, there are squat people apparently, and theres a new move to hire the squat. [ laughter ] their slogan is, were squat. So what . [ laughter ] so what . Good. Good. Catchy. Pithy. Right to the point. Also people who have wet daydreams. Theres a new support group for that. [ laughter ] wet daydreams. New support group. A lot of support groups out here in california. You know, you have theres a suicide group. By the way, we have three openings. [ laughter ] couldnt get the call through obviously. Yes. And the coalition for better pancakes. Ive been working with them. You like pancakes. Pancakes are International House of pancakes is an interesting organization. The International House the International House of salt and pepper. I dont get to too often. Thank god. I think ill have a little of this. Do you do you invest in other things other than just show business, or ive been ive been you know, ive been [ deleted ]. Most entertainers are not [ laughter ] well put, i think. Yes. Well put. I had so many i had to write them down. Paine webber had that before. Dont get lost. Right. Ive had some bad business. I am into something nice now. Its a lightbulb that only shines on things you really want to see. [ laughter ] otherwise it doesnt go on at all. And youll be interested in this, ed. This is a new kind of a combination new years hat, [ laughter ] just reverse the elastic. [ applause ] right. Good. Inflatable tuxedos for weddings at sea. [ laughter ] toupees with ear laps. [ laughter ] never been done. Thats the new look in west la. Yeah. And black dandruff for people with gray hair. [ laughter ] good moves. Well be right back. Stay with us. [ applause ] thank you, george. Youre funny as usual. Thank you. Very funny, and original. I have one. Maybe you could help me with this. I think i mentioned it. Your mind would pick up on this. If you tell a joke yeah. And theres no one around to hear it. Is it funny . Ill be back in six months to let you know. Yeah. Those things three in the forest. Real zen like. Yeah. Anyway. Where are you headed for . And ill be home in about an hour. [ laughter ] okay. Wait till he gets home, and then call 818. Your area code has probably been changed, too. Sometimes a little brain damage helps. [ music ] thank you for being here. Ana obregon will be with us tomorrow night. Thank you. Well see you tomorrow. [ applause ] . Moon river wider than the nile . My brothers name is lyle . Okay . Lowell, could you cut that out . Oh, im sorry joe, its just the lyrics, uh, joe, something very important has come up and i need the afternoon off. Whats wrong, are you okay . I wanna go to the circus. audience laughing the circus . Well, fay all our regular flights are booked. We have a charter this afternoon. Theres all this paperwork. Ill give you a moment to think it over. Joe, you better give her what she wants. Never underestimate the lure of the bigtop. The smell of that little car when all 17 clowns pile out. Lowell, how would you know wrong place, wrong time, nuf said. audience laughing well, whatve you decided . Well, fay, i just cant let you have the afternoon off to go to the circus. Okay, i understand. I quit. Whats going on . Im 62 years old and ive never been to the circus. Whats going on is i want to go to the circus and joe wont let me. Hey, hey, hey, dont blame him, it is a school night. Brian, look, youre not helping. Fay just quit because i wouldnt let her go. Well, no, its really not just about the circus. I mean, ive been thinking about it for months. Im not getting any younger and there are a lot of things i wanna do, like go on a cruise. Maybe take a few classes. No, i need more than a vacation. Ive been working since i was 20 and i just think it may be the right time for me to retire. No way, no way, you cant retire. But brian, my minds made up. No, i mean, on what we pay you there is no way you can retire. I cant believe this, fay. Youve been here from the beginning. Remember, we started with nothing. It was just you and me and now look at us. Its you, me and brian. Without you, Company Picnics will be really dull. To make you change your mind . No, im afraid not. Its time for me to move on with my life. I dont know what to say. Were gonna miss you. Fay, listen, a few tips about going to the circus. Get there early to avoid the crowds. Dont fill up on cotton candy. And dont sit up front, the clowns will mess with your mind. I just cant bear the thought of fay retiring. Im gonna miss her. Her sweet smile and her cheery voice. Just seeing her every morning year after year has made my life a little more special. By the way, heres what you owe for the party. What . I hardly know the woman. audience laughing wow, a party like this only means one thing, hey, fay would want to leave sandpiper just the way she came in. Drunk . audience laughing that was first day jitters. No, i meant plain, simple, not a lot of fanfare. Well, you nailed it. Oh good, lowells got the cake. Lets see. Lowell, this was supposed to say good luck fay instead its just a lot of squiggly lines. You have to do is relax your eyes, focus on the cake and an image of fay will appear. audience laughing [together] i dont see it. I dont, oh god, shes naked as a jaybird. audience laughing hi. Wow, casey, those are beautiful. Well, its the least i could do. In the short time that ive known fay ive grown quite fond of her. Makes me feel bad. I didnt get her anything. Well, actually, you did. Heres your credit card back. audience laughing oh my god. Cant we have Just One Party on this island without the big sandwich . I mean by now, even you people should be sick of it. Oh wow. When you said you were going all out i figured the all american maybe the fiesta. Okay, lets get fay in here and get the party started. Would you keep your voice down. Shes gonna hear you. No, no she wont. I sent her out to shovel the slush off the runway. You sent a woman her age out in the cold to do manual labor . Hey, i didnt want to ruin the surprise. Its her day. knocking on door shh, there she is. Come in. Alright, i finished [all] surprise is this a Retirement Party . Oh, im so touched. gasps the cordoba. Speech, speech, speech wait, wait, wait, before you all get started, i have something to say. clears throat this party has got dull written all over it. So, ill just take a hunk of this to go. See ya, cochran. If we roasted fay. Okay, ill start, ill start. Boy that fay, how about her breath after lunch . Its, its bad. Lowell, lowell. And how about the way she dresses . Its just bad. Lowell. Have you ever driven in a car with her . She drives bad. Fay, i think i speak for all of us when i say hing fay, there is something that brian and i would like to say. Thats right. Youve always been very special to us. Youve been here since the beginning. Honestly, without you, i dont think there would have been a sandpiper. Thats right, fay. Youre the heart and soul of this airline and we dont know what were gonna do without you. Just know that no one could ever replace you. Excuse me, im here about the job. Yeah, ill be there in one minute. So, here, its a little gift. So, um, how about a few words, fay . Oh no, i couldnt. Okay, lets eat. Although, i suppose a few words would be in order. It all started in a two story row house in syracuse. Today they call them townhouses. In new york they call them brownstones. Oh, thats beautiful, lets eat. audience laughing before we start, can you tell me what the position pays . Absolutely, i think that youll find our salary is very competitive in todays marketplace. [fay] my very first trip on an airplane was to albany or was it buffalo . Oh really, i never knew that. Ill be right back. Shoot me. What happened with the woman . We were pretty far apart on the money. She wanted some . Yeah, yeah, yeah. What am i gonna do . She was the only one that answered the ad. Fay is leaving. I have the perfect person for the job. Really, who . Casey. No, no, no, no. Why not . Well, to steal a line from lowell, shes ba