Do you like geography . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy so heres a map of the united states. Its the most sexually diseased states. Now, as a general rule, the state with the most stds is traditionally whichever state where the bachelor is shooting, but not in this case. California finished 16th, which is better than i thought we would do. You know, Charlie Sheen lives here. But the number one most sexually diseased state, is fortunately, not attached to us. It is right there, alaska. [ applause ] [ laughter ] guillermo, youre wearing mittens. Yes, jimmy. Jimmy you have a condom in your hand. Give it a try. To give you an idea of how difficult this is. Even practiced in this, this afternoon, right . Yeah. Can i use my teeth . Yeah, you can use anything, but dont bite into the you, you know. I dont want to have to heimlich you here. So you can see what im saying. Are you still working on that . Yeah. Jimmy when you get it open, put it on and well see how it looks. All right, sure. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy the most, i dont know if you can see, but the top state for stdfree state is new hampshire. Congratulations to new hampshire, followed by west virginia, maine, and vermont. Vermont is 47. Vermont, theyre really making the most of this. Vermont, theyre even using these new stats to help boost tourism. Vermont its the place to be if you dont want to get an std the mountains and trees and it wont hurt when you pee vermont come to vermont wed love to see you we wont give you herpes or gonorrhea just maple syrup and lots of skiing no blood in your urine for the times when youre peeing. In mountain, our mountains are green but your genitals wont be. Weve got low rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and even crabs. Youll have a great vacation, not painful urination. Make vermont your destination when you pee here, theres no Burning Sensation vermont, were vt, not vd im Bernie Sanders and i approve this message. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats the only burn i feel. Anyway, its funny, but its a serious thing. And the center for Disease Control reminds you, still the best way to avoid contracting an std is to get really into dungeons and dragons in high school. You get that thing open yet, guillermo . Not yet. Jimmy President Trump is working to try to drum up some support from republicans for the obamacare replacement theyve been working on. Tonight he invited a hundred of them to come bowling at the white house. For real, its a pizza and bowling night, part of what theyre calling the president s charm offensive. He can be very charming and very offensive. So he puts those together. Unfortunately, the white house Bowling Alley only has two lanes for 100 people. So i dont know how much bowling will happen. Bowling is a traditional activity for president s of the united states. It goes all the way back to harry true man who had bowling lanes put in the white house. Theres richard nixon. President clinton bowling. President bush throwing the ball. President obama all bowling in suits and ties. The real take away here is they need to design some kind of president ial bowling shirt, you know, with a spare force one on it, or something, a team logo. [ laughter and applause ] oh, thank you. Thank you. Trump has made it known that he doesnt want the new Health Care Bill called trump care for a very good reason. The president is a humble man, he doesnt like to put his name on things. And paul ryan, the speaker of the house said this, the reason obamacare doesnt work, is because it makes Healthy People pay for the care of sick people. Which isnt that how all insurance works . Imagine trying to buy car insurance. Hey, my car is fine. Im not paying for those people who got in accidents. Its like saying the lottery doesnt work because only one person hits the jackpot. Tonight was bowing night. Last night, the president and first lady had dinner with senator ted cruz and his wife heidi, which that must have been after all the lying ted and you know how the government could make some money, put it on payperview. I would gladly pay a hundred dollars to watch donald trump and ted cruz eat dinner together. It would be the best episode of celebrity wife swap ever. Melania trumps Approval Rating is up. You remember, the model who is locked in the tower and talks like borat . 52 of americans have a favorable opinion, men more than women. Women tnd 0 judge her on what she does and says whereas men base it on google image search results. If theres one thing donald trump loves, its people with better ratings than him, hes not going to tolerate that. In addition to my work as a talk show host and hairstylist, im also a beloved tv judge. From time to time i hear cases along with my trusty bailiff guillermo who is still working on or who has given up. Real litigants put their disputes in very good hands, these hands, the hands of the man known as judge james. This is the plaintiff, scott davies. He rented a private onebedroom apartment from the defendant, only to discover on moving day that the unit was merely a living room. Hes suing for 1,400. This is the defendant, daniel devore. He maintains the plaintiff was aware of the living arrangement, but changed his mind. Its the case of the justice of the lease. Raise your right hand. What you are about to witness is real. The participants are not actors. Theyre actual litigants with a case pending in civil court. Both parties have agreed to drop their claims to have their case decided here by judge james. You can be seated. You can sit down. The lady has been sworn in. Very good. Before we begin, id like to congratulate you, guillermo. Guillermo has been named bailiff of the month. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you. Okay, all right. Scott davies, you are suing daniel devore, for 1400, the amount you paid the defendant to rent a private one bedroom with a shared bathroom and late area you discovered it was just a living room, correct . Yes, your honor. Mr. Devore, you say he just changed his mind after he moved into the property. You offered him several solutions after he moved in but he decided to sue. Thats correct. Mr. Davies, lets start with you. I found the craigs list ad, i dont know which one he gave you. Thank you. Essentially youll see right there, it doesnt say den at all. It says private room. I met him at his office, gave him cash. He gave me the keys and immediately i went to the able to see if the keys got me into where i needed to be. They only got me into the living room. So i called him and said, i think you forgot a key. He basically started to manipulate the situation, telling me, thats the space i rented, and if im not familiar with the laws in california, if you give somebody cash for a certain set of keys, thats the room youre getting. Mr. Devore, what happened . I had two ads going at the same time, and it wasnt a living room. It was a den and a private room. One was 695, one was 895. Hes just showing you the one ad. That i had ran at that point. Do you have the other ad . Believe it or not, i do not have the other ad. There you go. Thats the only ad, sir. There was multiple ads. That was the only add i saw. You know, little brother, you better give me a second while im speaking. Ive been listening to you all day. We got two rooms, campbells a witness. I dont have to worry. We have somebody who is here. Come on, big brother, youre not organized. Listen, little brother do you guys think of each other as brothers . Well, he calls me brother. So apparently hes my brother. Like you said, you had to call your mom that night. Of course. Im a big mamas boy. Im not afraid to admit it. I love your mom too. I bet you do. [ laughter ] this is the other ad i was running. Dont worry, brother. What is this youre showing me . Its all black. Thats the ad i ran for 695. Why cant i read it . Because hes a scammer. Nick jonas, let it slide. Youre sweating there. Order in the court. Thank you. Tell him to quiet down. Like a little terrier running around the court. Shut up, fat boy. Come over here and tell me to shut up. Hold on real quickly, you are no longer bailiff of the month. You cant let this go on. Did he move in, campbell . Yes or no. He did move in. He stayed the night. Thats correct. There you go. Campbell, you are living in the house now . Yes, sir, i am. Are you in any danger . I hope not, your honor. Campbell, are you currently under the influence of marijuana . Thats right. Say something is, campbell. Campbell, Say Something help me out here, man. Campbell, are you going to do anything . Say anything, campbell are you alive . What the frik . Jimmy seen more personality in a can of campbells soup. Say something, come on, now. All right. Im going to go to my chambers and maybe have a snack and then ill come back and i will rule on this case. Will judge james side with little brother or big brother . Will guillermo have to say adios to his best bailiff award . And is campbell, mmm, mmm, wasted . Judge james verdict when we return. [ cheers and applause ] cant wait to figure out how i rule. Were going to take a break. When we come back, the conclusion of judge james, plus this week in unnecessary censorship, so stick around. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] by the time you head to the bank and wait to get approved for a home loan, that newly listed, midcentury ranch with the garden patio will be gone. Or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the waiting, and go completely online. Get the confidence that comes from a secure, qualified mortgage approval in minutes. Lift the burden of getting a home loan with Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper rocket] delicious, freshly brewed coffee cits one dollar. Go to mcdonalds and get 1 any size coffee or 2 small specialty beverage. And, every 6th mccafe beverage is free with our app. Wake up and win the day. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight on the show, Tim Hiddleston, Gillian Jacobs is here. Comedian sam jay is on the way. First i want to wish happy birthday to barbie the doll, she turned 58 today. 58 years old. Old enough that we should probably start calling her by her real name, barbara. Sadly barbie didnt get the one thing she wanted today, which is for ken to have genitals. Still having trouble with that over there . Yes. Jimmy i like that youre still working on it. I dont know what it shows. I want to open it. Jimmy youll get it open. Lets go back to the courtroom for the shocking and legally binding conclusion to judge james. This mistreated mamas boy says he received the rental run around. This loudmouth landlord disagrees, and this redeyed witness thinks its all a dream. Judge james is about to rule. Lets listen. Be seated. Its a good thing you guys dont live together, because you really dont get along. I think you can understand, mr. Devore, that without the ad, you really dont have any evidence. I will say, my primary concern here is for the welfare of campbell. Campbell, are you here under duress . No. Do you know what duress means . I do. I have reviewed the evidence, i rule in favor of the plaintiff, in the amount of 1,378. 68 minus one nights stay in mr. Devores den. Arrest everyone. [ laughter and applause ] all right, judge james has rendered his verdict. Both sides came out clean. Lets talk to the defendant. How you doing . Good, how are you . Judge said you failed to produce evidence of a previous ad. What do you think . Well, he ran it, but sorry we couldnt show judge james what he needed to see. Campbell, earlier you said you were not living in his place under duress. You want to blink twice if youre in trouble . [ laughter ] all right, well take that up with the authorities. On the next judge james what is the purpose of this meditation shrine . To meditate on. Youre very picky for a guy who doesnt button his shirt, ill tell you that. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy one more thing. It is thursday night, which means its time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week. Whether they need it or not. Its this week in unnecessary censorship. Three days after an explosive claim by President Trump that president obama bleep his [ bleep ] during the campaign. I have lost hope completely and my mind is closed. This presidency is fake and [ bleep ]. Mark, your thoughts . I know you always [ bleep ] me, but do you ever [ bleep ] . Never, ever. Its not the fire in your belly anymore. You have to have the [ bleeped ] in your throat. Just to swallow so much. I want to [ bleep ] President Trump. I want to [ bleep ] Vice President pence. And i want to [ bleep ] secretary price. Good to see you. Are you going to [ bleep ] this weekend . That would be no. I had barbecue with your mom. So have i. I [ bleep ] your dog, bro. I [ bleep ] your dog. Ive had so many [ bleep ]. Its hard to keep track of all 135 of them and counting. Jimmy happy birthday, barbie. Guillermo . What Jimmy Guillermo . I appreciate you trying to open it, but the moment has passed. If this would have happened in bed if i were in bed, i wouldnt have all this jimmy you dont wear mittens when you make love . No way jimmy wow orc the things we learn about each other working together. Tonight on the show, Gillian Jacobs is here, comedian sam jay is here,and well be right back with Tim Hiddleston so stick around. vo love. I got it. I gotcha baby. vo its being there when youre needed most. Love is knowing. 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Shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. Breathe right. There isnt too many it people are there . I dont know. You dont know . Hey, neighbor. Well, if it isnt the second most famous groundhog in pennsylvania. Wow, you were some athlete. Back in the day, g. Well, you can still go for gold. Ahh, Million Dollar gold rush, the new instant game from the pennsylvania lottery. With top prizes of a Million Dollars. See, you still got game, dwayne. I got instant game, gus. Instant game. giggles keep on scratchin. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back. Tonight, from the very funny show love, which can be bingewatched or consumed in moderation on netflix, Gillian Jacobs is here. Then, she is a comedian, you can see her live may 18th through the 20th at the crapshoot comedy festival in las vegas, sam jay is here. Next week, we have a great show next week. Next week, bachelor nick and his mystery bride to be, or not, we dont know what happened on monday night after the finale on our show. Dax shepard will be here, matthew perry, tim allen, milo ventimiglia, michael pena, chef thomas keller, paul shaffer featuring jenny lewis and shaggy. A mashup monday with okay go and the go goes and our announcer Dicky Barrett brings boston to los angeles as the mighty mighty bostones. Dicky, are you ready . Dicky id better phone the lads. Jimmy you better. And i have to practice on my clarinet. Because im going to be playing with you. And cleto, i looked at the notes, and they were too high. Very low masculine notes, okay . Yes. Jimmy okay, very good. Our first guest tonight still in the jacket . Yeah, its too cold. Jimmy our first guest tonight is the god of thunders brother, who is about to share a screen with the worlds most famous primate, kong skull island opens in theaters tomorrow. Please welcome Tom Hiddleston [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you look very nice. So do you, sir. Jimmy so you had the big kong premiere last night here right across the street from us. Right across the street. Jimmy did you stay and watch the movie with the audience . I did, yeah. First time ive seen it with a big crowd. Jimmy that was your first time . Yeah. Jimmy and thats fun, isnt it . Especially a film like this, which is a roller coaster ride, and you get to hear people jump and gasp and throw popcorn in the air. Its really fun. You dont get that on set. Jimmy you know this, i dont know if people know this, but a lot of times the actors when they go to the premiere, they pretend to be going to the movie and they go down the red carpet and they go in the door and they sneak out the back and they dont see their movie. And i never understand that, because thats supposed to be thats the point of doing the movie. Thats true. To turn up and watch it. Jimmy you had a premiere in mexico last week . Last weekend. It was great. Jimmy this is interesting. I want to ask you about this. Here you are in sombrero. [ laughter ] my first question is, did you travel with the sombrero, or was that something that was given to you when you got to mexico . No, so there was a big premiere and thousands of fans who turned out to say hi. And then in the middle of on the red carpet, Somebody Just reached across and handed me this sombrero, which i thought was a huge honor. Jimmy and you just said, hey, im going to put it on. Yeah. And then, i worked with guillermo dell toro. Jimmy oh, yes. From crimson peak, and they love him. And then they sang me a song. Guillermo, can you help me out . They sang me this song called jimmy who did . The mexican fans. I put the sombrero on and they all started singing. Its called el yeah. Do you know what that is . Yes. Its the night sky. We can sing it together if you want. Jimmy oh, that would be beautiful. [ cheers and applause ] i dont know the words. Jimmy this should be lovely. I dont know the words to this. Is that the tune . No, thats the way jimmy thats as close as he gets. [ singing in spanish ]