And it was close, it was tied, second half i think gonzaga was up by a point. My wife went to kansas where they won a lot. She said, this is very stressful, im glad my team is not playing in this game. And i looked at her and i was like, i think you might be the missing the point of this. Shes pregnant, though, so i decided to let her stay in the house. Did any of you watch the College Basketball game last night . [ cheers and applause ] it was, is as you know, North Carolina won it, theyre National Champions once again. It wasnt a highscoring game. I think there were more capital one commercials than there were points in the game. But that didnt temper the enthusiasm of North Carolina at all. After they won, fans and students in chapel hill did what College Students often do. They set fire to a couch. Which i will say, this is something i will never understand. That couch, that couch let you sit on it the whole tournament. Supported you for every game this season. And now you win and instead of celebrating together, you burn it . [ laughter ] that would be like winning the Kentucky Derby then shooting the horse. Anyway. The big winner last night, at least here in our office, in our world, was a gentleman named brad mutual day hee. Brad works here. Everyones laughing already. Brads an interesting gentleman. He won our office pool. And, well, thats brad. You can see hes already doing great things with the money he won. [ laughter ] he blew it all on orange soda and potato chips in a can. So anyway, it looks like hes packing for the saddest camping trip ever. But i was thinking it. The weird part is brad, by Winning Office pool, brad made more money from this tournament than any of the players on the winning team. That seems fair, right . I mean, well, you know they dont get never mind. [ laughter ] anyway, the ncaa tournament is over. Now all we have is facebook, instagram, snapchat, and twitter to distract us from working while were at work. Speaking of twitter, the National Archives and Records Administration in washington, d. C. , this is where they store the constitution, the declaration of independence, the gettysburg address. They have asked the white house to save all of president trumps tweets. Everything he tweets, they want to have on record. Its important to have all the president s tweets so that future historians will be able to ga back and see what was on fox news that day. [ laughter ] by the way, i think theres already a service that archives all the tweets from Donald Trumps twitter account, its called Donald Trumps twitter account. [ laughter ] scroll and up youll see. The president has been very busy this week. Yesterday he signed a bill, he signed a bill yesterday that will allow Internet Service providers to collect and share your personal information and search histories without asking your permission to do it. [ audience groaning ] he knows what the people want and he gives to it them. Now these Big Companies can see every detail of our lives online. We still cant see his tax returns, but they can see everything we look at. A lot of people are upset about this. Democratic politicians, privacy advocates, perverts, you name it, they dont want this to happen. But its the kind of thing you really cant make too big a deal about. You cant take a big stand. Because if you do say if you stand up and say, i dont want anyone looking at my search history, all of a sudden people are like, well what are you trying to hide . What kind of weird unicorn penises are you looking at . [ laughter ] and then, you know. Meanwhile in sweden, talk about a violation of privacy. Theres a company in sweden that instead of giving their employees access cards you keep in your wallet or around your neck, they will implant a microchip in your hand that you can use to open the door, use the printer, or buy food at the office cafeteria. Its like an identifying what would you call it, guillermo . Guillermo maybe like information or something . Jimmy exactly that, yeah. [ laughter ] would you let me put a chip inside of you, guillermo . Here at work . Guillermo anything for you, jimmy. Jimmy really, okay. Guillermo anything that makes you happy. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im not going to just put a chip in you, im going to put a whole bag of chips and guacamole in you. Guillermo im ready. Jimmy this is great, from south africa, where a man noticed three burglars trying to bre ni break into his home, he decided to have some fun with it. Ahem [ laughter ] jimmy what an incredibly polite way to scare them off. [ applause ] crime is a very important subject to me. As you may know, in addition to my work as host of this show, i am also a tv judge. I dispense justice and wisdom alongside my trusted bailiff guiller guillermo. These are real cases. We swoop in and steal them from small claims court, real lit gants who have decided to let them disputes be settled by none other than judge james. Announcer this is the plaintiff, richard townsend. He claims he hired the defendant, shira lowett, to build a meditation 39. When he hit her know he wasnt happy with her work, she refused to repair or reimburse. Hes seeking enlightment money. This is the defendant. She maintains the plaintiff approved the shrine, every step of the way, then claimed to be dissatisfied a month after delivery. Its the case of, when buddha got screwedda. Guillermo raise your right hand. Announcer what you are about to witness is real. The participants are not actors, theyre litigants with a case pending in civil court. Both parties have agreed to drop their claims to have their case settled here by judge james. Guillermo rise for your honor james. I mean judge james. Jimmy that was some introduction. Guillermo the litigants have been swearing your honor. Jimmy what . Guillermo the lit gants have been swearing your honor. Jimmy what . Guillermo the litigants have been swearing your honor. Jimmy what . [ laughter ] guillermo the lit tants has been swear in your honor. Jimmy go stand over there. Guillermo all right. Jimmy you will be seated. Except for the plaintiff and department. Guillermo oh, that was my job, your honor. Jimmy sorry, go ahead and say it. Guillermo you can sit down now. Jimmy here we go, were clicking already. Lets see here. Richard townsend, you are suing shira lowa for the prepayment of a custom meditation shrine you claim was not made satisfactorily, correct . Correct. Jimmy ms. Lowa, you claim the claim he prepaid is a lie, you claim after you sent him photos of the shrine you completed he texted back that you quote nailed it. Yes. Jimmy tell me about this meditation shrine. I can show you. Jimmy please show me, thank you. Tell me what is the purpose of this meditation shrine . What is the purpose of it . Jimmy yeah. To meditate on. Jimmy you kneel on it . No, you dont sit on it. You sit in front of it. Jimmy what is it about the shrine that dissatisfied you . There were several things about the shrine that dissatisfied me. There was a real lack of attention of detail to went into this. If you look at the right side of the piece of work, you can see one corner its riveted, the other corner its not riveted. Heres what it looks like when its not riveted up close. You can see that the corner peels up. Jimmy youre very picky for a guy who doesnt button his shirt, ill tell you that. Lets get to the big point. I told her, we discussed this clearly, that the fabric that was going to be put on was going to need to be stretched for obvious reasons, we dont want to show wrinkles, we dont want to show exactly what it shows in the picture. Look at the creases and imperfections. It wasnt pulled tight. Jimmy did it look good when you received it . No, this is the way it looked the moment i took it out of the box. Jimmy isnt it relatively simple to stretch the fabric . Do you want to talk about that . Jimmy who the hell this is . I did the fabric portions. We talked about Different Solutions to making the fabric work. Jimmy how much would it cost to fix the piece . For the panels, no more than 1,000 for the panel sections. I candle straight how it should have been done. With respect to this gentleman hes suffering a lack of imagination. Guillermo a what . Jimmy hes got the devil on his arm, think hes got some imagination. As far as you nailed it goes. When did you get that email from mr. Townsend . This is the text message string of photos. And then i finished the project. And at the very end of those photos is his response. Those are photographs, your honor. Jimmy you saw the photographs, based on the photographs they looked good. Exactly. Jimmy when you saw it in person, you were not happy with it . Correct, exactly. Jimmy whats your relationship like now . You were friends beforehand . Were still friends now. No. I yeah, no. Jimmy when youre meditating do you think about this sometimes . Get angry . I try not to. Jimmy isnt one of the tenets of buddhism to reject material possessions . No, its not. Its not a tenet, no. Jimmy seems like it should be, right . Guillermo yeah. Yeah, on that ive had in the same folder you were looking at, there was a bunch more pieces of previous and current work that ive been doing. Jimmy are there any games on this ipad . Gales, i dont know, probably. Jimmy are there any pictures of you in a bikini . Welding, yes, actually. Jimmy then ill go through this. All right. Meditate. Ill be back with my ruling. Announcer will judge james rule in favor of captain cleavage . Or will he jump through hoop earrings to find in favorite of the defendant . Will his bumbling bailiff be able to put together a coherent sentence . Jimmy what . Announcer judge james verdict when we return. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy were going to take a break. When we come back, the thrilling conclusion to judge james. So stick around [car engine failing to start] [clicking of ignition] uh wha woof eeh woof wuh [silence] [engine roars to life] [dog howls] dramatic opera music swells from radio [howling continues] get play proof kids gearhls built for springtime fun like jumping beans dresses for only 12 7 mix and match tops and bottoms and carters sandals 19. 99. Youll get kohls cash too. Play proof guarantee only at kohls. Discover italys lighter side, at olive garden with new tastes of the mediterranean recipes that put a fresh spin on traditional italian made with simple, wholesome ingredients inspired by italys mediterranean coast. Indulge in italys lighter side at olive garden. A new chip thats deliciously thin ovenbaked to perfection. With spectacular flavor. Crisp thins. The new taste from ritz. Try them. In four flavors. It takes two to make iit outta sight ake a thing go right it takes two to make a thing go right it takes two to make it outta sight ill have that goat cheese garden salad. That gentleman got the last one. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from American Express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Throw. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of American Express. She pretty much lives in her favorite princess dress. But once a week i let her play sheriff so i can wash it. I use tide to get out those week old stains and downy to get it fresh and soft. You are free to go. Tide and downy together. Starting at 12. 99, at olive garden. Come for an irresistible meal here, and leave with a great meal too. So you can enjoy family time one more time. Buy one take one, only for a limited time. At olive garden. Jimmy hi there, welcome back to the show. Pierce brosnan, jenny slate, music from dustin lynch is on the way. I dont know if you heard this. Arnold schwarzenegger announced hes planning to make more terminator movies. I think thats what he said, anyway. Very difficult to understand. He may have said he needs an exterminator at his house. He said hes looking forward to doing another terminator movie and reports that the terminator fran cheese was finished were inaccurate, it is not finished. I have to say, if only there was some kind of catch phrase he could use to let us know that hell be back. [ laughter ] there would be no question about this. In other news from the 1990s, aol and yahoo announced that theyre merging to form a new Company Called oath. Which thats big news. Thats like hearing blockbuster is merging with radio shack. [ laughter ] like when the two saddest, drunkest people at the bar hook up. [ laughter ] you feel kind of good for them but also bad. A lot of people in the industry are wondering what they have planned. Its very mysterious. Today oath put out this short video to give us a taste what was they have up their collective sleeve. Aol and yahoo , two internet titans join forces to form oath. A revolutionary Technology Company pushing the envelope to bring you a time machine. Capable of taking us all back to 1998. Where aol and yahoo were still relevant. Oath. Where every day is throwback thursday. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats interesting. All right. Well. I cant wait to ask jeeves about that. All right. Time to go back to our courtroom. As our legal drama comes to a head in part two of judge james. Announcer this barechested buddhist says the piece of work he commissioned from the confedera defendant is a piece of [ bleep ]. The defendant disagrees. Judge james is about to rule. Lets listen. Jimmy you may be seated. So ive given this a lot of thought. By the way, i thought you were kidding about the bikini shots. Your artwork is very good and i like the bikini shots as well. Did you open another button since i was gone . I dont think so. Jimmy all right, so bottom line is this. You made the shrine, it looked good in the photos that you sent him. When he got the shrine, he was unhappy. We still dont know for sure how much it would cost to fix that fabric. But i called in an expert. Can we please send in our expert . He goes by the name mr. Fabric. Mr. Fabric . Mr. Fabric, in your expert opinion, how much would it cost to fix the imperfections in the the shrine . Guillermo hm. Ill say like like 2,600. 2,600. 42. Jimmy 2,600. 42. That is half the cost of the shrine. I award the plaintiff 2,600. 42. Namaste. Guillermo all right this case is finished. Everybody can leave. Judge james has rendered his verdict. Lets speak with the defendant. How do you feel about the decision . I hope that his meditation practice improves with less wrinkles. You do, okay. He says youre still friends. Do you have plans this weekend with the plaintiff . Definitely not. No . No, no. Okay. Go back and meditate, guillermo has some things for you to sign. Now the plaintiff, the big winner. Are you happy with the verdict . Im very satisfied, i feel great. Riveting testimony about rivets. Why dont you use a rivet to close up that shirt. Thank you. Announcer on the next judge james i travel, i travel. Im dressing, your honor, im dressing. Jimmy what are you dressing to . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have a good show, music from dustin lynch, jenny slade is here. Be right back with Pierce Brosnan dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by, new Flonase Sensimist allergy relief. Learn how to be greater than your allergies with the eh bee family at begreater the flonase. Com. Welcome to maxx you. 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[ding] ohhhh. What was it . Bank on it. Ohh, the new scratchoff from the pennsylvania lottery. With top prizes of 300 grand oh, i knew what it was the entire time. [laughter] keep on scratchin. Jimmy hi there, welcome back to the show. Tonight, from the new movie gifted a very gifted woman jenny slate is here. Then this is his new single, its called small town boy dustin lynch from the mercedesbenz stage. You can see dustin this weekend at the tortuga Music Festival in fort lauderdale. Tomorrow night Eric Stonestreet will be here, we have something very special with lena dunham and the cast of girls, riz ahmed will join us, and well have music from cold war kids. And thursday adam sandler, nathalie emmanuel, and music from starley. Please join us for all of that. If looks, talent and charisma werent looked down upon in our sick society, im sure our first guest would have gone much further in life. He plays texas oilman Eli Mccullough in the tv adaptation of the book the son. I got him. Horse neighing ] the son premieres saturday night on jimmy how are you . Im good, thanks, im is it horse and hit a guy on the head . It seems goes thats about as much fun as it could be. I like horses. Fall off the damn thing. Ive ridden horses all my life. Guise over the head, can be fun. But it was darn hot out summert last summer. It was austin, texas. Jimmy so it it was fun, yea. But you get up and the heat advisory is 105 or something jimmy that was a mistake. Its funny soting things up in vancouver. And the one time you decued sw your balls off. Ep. Im hot, the theal done jmy how do you figut out . Do you have a coach that comes this show. So i had a coach. En i began to e nelson, and from willie n perryo waylon jennings. Jimmy wow. End jimmy is that right . I listened to him a lot. And then i thats funny. Knows. Hter ] no, i dont think he does know. Ay imagine that would be i guess that would be a compliment . Wouldnt it . For himself whether its a compliment. That was a tricky part of doing it. Th id