Thank you for joining me. [ cheers and applause ] on a Major International holiday. Today, in case you didnt know, and im pretty sure you didnt know, today is world emoji day. So i think i speak for all of us when i say thumbs up thumbs up champagne bottle party hat goats, right . [ laughter ] today is also the day we try to figure out what the hell happened on game of thrones. Did you watch the season premiere . A Record Number of people more than 16 people watched i was one of them. Never thought i would be so excited to see someone empty a bed pan. [ laughter ] but i was. I loved it. Even though i was confused. I had to have my son kevin explain a lot of it to me. Its like an adult version of cersei . That was euron greyjoy. Hes theons uncle. Oh, who is the prince that met with the enemy to try to bring down the queen that threatened his father . That was donald trump jr. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] too many characters to follow. I dont know if you heard the white house kicked off made in america week. This is a whole week dedicated to products made in the u. S. A. Which is funny that almost none of the products the the trump family sells are made in the usa. Donald trumps wife wasnt even made in the usa. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] that didnt register, i guess. And didnt stop the president to tell everyone else to start making stuff. President trump who doesnt drink who believes alcohol killed his brother had his own brand of vodka made in holland. To tie it together we slow down his speech at the made in the usa event today for another edition of drunk donald trump. [ cheers and applause ] [ slowed down speech ] a lot of different states. Some states need this. Some states need that. But were getting it together and its its gonna happen. Right, mike . [ laughter ] right. I think. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hosting a show on qvc or something. The president was in paris over the weekend celebrating bastille day. He wasnt initially interested in going there but then he heard theres a place in france where the naked ladies dance and he fired up the jet. [ laughter ] the president was in paris as the guest of french president emmanuel macron, with whom he had a famously combative handshake back in may. You remember that handshake . This time around not only did they wrestle for some symbolic dominance their handshake went on and on and on. It lasted 17 seconds. Ive had sex that didnt last as long as this handshake. [ applause ] its a lot of padding, a lot of holding. That by the way and its still happening. Was not the longest handshake of the trip. This handshake, this is a marathon. Okay. So, theyre walking. This is the moment you let go. But no, its [ laughter ] at certain point its not even a hand shake theyre straight up holding hands. Now macrons wife gets involved in the conversation. So trump gives her a little kiss. And then grabs her hand too. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and holds both of their hands for menage a trois is a french term. That is why that went on 28 seconds. Hes got to be careful. Vladimir putin will get jealous. Anyway. According to a new abc Washington Post poll president trumps Approval Rating is down to 36 . He has the lowest Approval Rating for a president six months into his term since 1947. When the demon chernobaugh from fantasia was president. 36 still seems high to me. Some of his supporters, they dont care what he does. He would have to eat a bucket of kentucky fried bald eagle and wipe his mouth on the Confederate Flag to go lower than 36 . But trump tweeted about it. Of course he didnt like it. He wrote the abc Washington Post poll, even though 40 is not bad at this time, was just about the most inaccurate poll around election. [ laughter ] thats good stuff. That poll is totally inaccurate and 40 isnt bad. [ laughter ] but he didnt get 40 . It was 36. [ applause ] you cant round up to 40. Its like telling your parents you got an fplus. [ laughter ] this was from wimbledon over the weekend. This is something ive not seen at a professional sporting event. So theres a guy in the crowd who is heckling Kim Clijsters. Shes the former number one player in the world. Hes heckling her during an invitational doubles match. So kim pulls guy out of the stands and this happens. Kim was asking where she should serve, wide or down the middle. And this young man suggested body serve. I think she might be getting Something White for him to wear. This isnt going to work. Kim, this isnt going to work. Theyre not going to get over the knees. [ laughter ] thats a man in a skirt trying to return Kim Clijsters serve. Its 2017, people. They cut him off when he tried to shower. But i like that. [ applause ] i like a fat guy in a dress. Call me crazy. Tonight on the bachelorette it was home town visit night. Rachel got a chance to meet the parents of the man she will eventually share a torn us weekly cover with. I love the home town date shows. Where else can you look at a real mom look someone in the eye and say yes i give you the blessing to marry my son even though you are dating even other men simultaneously . Of all the moms and dads rachel met tonight none was more colorful maybe in the history of this show than deans father. Deans dad, well, he wore his best purple turban for this event. Whats up, squad . Hi. Were waiting for king dean to show up. Wheres the table at . Why are we all on the floor . Because we dont have a table. Hi. My father was once a very traditional man. He has since converted to be a sikh of some sort. And i am suppressing every single emotion that im trying to feel, just keeping it down buried as far as it can go. Jimmy that is an embarrassed young man. He did not goat a rose tonight. Hell have plenty of time to work things out with his dad. They had a fight. The whole thing. I like the things with the show. I guess because of the success theyre having on hbo with the bachelorette producers theyve been trying new things. I have to say i give them two big thumbs up. I know i have to do things in the best interest of myself to get what i want at the end of this. I havent figured out when those walls will come down. If hes happy im happy. If not ill kill you. Im so sorry. Im so sorry that i have to do this. [ screaming ] [ cheers and applause ] and now we are down to the final three including peter, who i happened to pick to go the distance. Next week they go to the fantasy suites where their performance in bed will be evaluated by a panel of judges and then america will vote on who did it best. All very exciting, isnt it, guillermo . Do you watch this show . Guillermo no, jimmy. Jimmy i didnt think so. You did something fun over the weekend. Guillermo went to a big disney event. They do it every other year. Its called d23. To talk to a lot of disney stars. You got a lot of stars, right . Guillermo thats right, jimmy. Jimmy were going to have all that after the break. First i want to give you a sample of what youll see starring guillermo and Luke Skywalker himself mark hamill. Guillermo can you give me a spoil from the star wars movie . I can. Darth vader is my father. I know, its a shock. But its the truth. Guillermo oh, [ bleep ]. I didnt know that. He [ laughter ] jimmy so guillermo goes back to back with mark hamill, benedict cumberbatch, daisy ridley, tom holland and more. Well be right back. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by aflac. Dad kinda walked into my swing. Huh . Dont you mean dad kind of ruined our hawaii fund . I thud go to the thothpital. There goes the airfair. I dont think Health Insurance will cover all. Of that. Buth my fathe without that cash from aflac we might have to choose between hawaii or your face. Hawaii what . Haha. Hawaii you might have less coverage than you think. Visit aflac. Com and keep your lifestyle healthy. Aflac shop for your homeohls and get kohls cash for you get the perfect dorm room chair and get 10 kohls cash get a food network cookware set and get 30 kohls cash or a dyson vacuum and youll get 80 kohls cash this weekend at kohls. Do you remember when i took your [photo this morning . , [boy] yea [intern] im afraid i have some terrible news. You have. Bug eyes here come the bugs ahh bugs everywhere uh oh, this little buggy got a lasagna. Woman so this happened. Nikki picked up some limearitas and thats when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. We started hanging a disco ball but then the ball reminded ava of her sequined dress. Now we have two disco balls. Limearita. Make it a margarita moment. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back to the show. Billy crystal and chris bianco and comedian Casey James Salengo are on the way. First this weekend, disney had their biannual d23 expo, an event they hold in anaheim, the brightest stars from the disney marv and star wars universe gather to delight their fans. And our very own guillermo was there to interview the actors as only he can. And what way is that, guillermo . Grptd back to back. Jimmy thats right. Heres guillermo back to back at d23. Guillermo i have a very important question. Yes, sir. Guillermo if you were a disney princess, which one were you . Which one would i be . Guillermo yes. I want to wear a dress. I want to wear a wig. I want to wear lipstick. And i want to be belle. Guillermo ooh. Id like to be ariel. Guillermo ariel . The mermaid. I think id be a pretty goodlooking mermaid. Guillermo so you think a fish is sexy . You know, i wouldnt go that far. But i also wouldnt disagree with you either. Guillermo its okay if you have a fish thing. Its okay. Can you teach me to dot force . Everyone has the potential to become a jedi master. Guillermo so do i do joga, or what do i do . Jogas good. [ laughter ] jimmy im blindfolded. So im going to guess who is the next star that i interview. [ laughter ] sir, are you white . Yes. Guillermo chris evans. Nope. Guillermo hey, don cheadle. Yeah. Guillermo which one is the worst actor you ever act with . Do you remember when you and i did that thing . That scene that we did together. And i had to slap you with the fish. Guillermo no, i dont like fish. Fish him up. Fish, fish, fish you were pretty bad. Guillermo wait a minute. Me . Guillermo okay. I have a joke for you. Oh, good. Guillermo knock knock. Whos there . Guillermo i. I who . Guillermo im your father. Do you understand the joke . [ laughter ] uh, kind of. Guillermo do you die in the movie . Uh, i dont know. I i i dont know. I hope not. Guillermo okay. If you blink, you die in the movie. Im going to watch you very close. Okay. [ laughter ] oh. Guillermo you died. Exclusivo. [ laughter ] guillermo you want to play dolls with me . Were going to pretend this is one of your movies. Who designed the crotch of your action figure . Guillermo my wife. [ laughter ] guillermo were going to reenact a scene from the movie. Okay . Okay. Guillermo youre so beautiful. Thank you so much. Guillermo ive been waiting for this moment. No, no. Mary poppins doesnt make out with people. No . She doesnt make out with people. Guillermo she does in this movie. She doesnt. Guillermo in the mexican movie she does. [ laughter ] guillermo you go first because youre in the movie. Why have you come to my island . Guillermo oh, to have lunch with you. Did you book in advance . Guillermo yes. I make a reservation two months ago. Excellent. Hey, guillermo. How are you . Guillermo im doing great, mr. Coo cuckoo. No. Thats not my name. My names dr. Steven strange. Guillermo hi, mr. Doctor steven strange just call me doctor. Guillermo okay. Mr. Doctor. Just doctor. Guillermo all right, mr. Doctor. Whatever. I like this little head rub wuf got going on right now. Guillermo this is a great massage. Oh, my god. I cant believe im close to spiderman. I cant believe im rubbing heads with guillermo. Im going to need someone to tell jokes for a few days. Guillermo i can tell you a joke if you want to. Tell me a joke, man. Guillermo four mexicans in a car. Whos driving . One of the mexicans. Guillermo no. The police. [ laughter ] guillermo do you want a backtoback snack . That sounds crazy. But i guess im here, right . Grptd ye guillermo yeah. Plus you look a little hungry. And you take a bite. [ laughter ] this is back to back. Snack. This is worse than i thought it was going to be. [ laughter ] guillermo in america we call it corn dog. Mm. Thats very nice. Guillermo is it good . Yeah, its nice. You have the rest. Guillermo did you get some hot dog . I got some. Guillermo you want a little more . Im good. Guillermo try it. Its good. No, no. Guillermo its glutenfree. Right. Guillermo and this is an exit survey. Got it. Guillermo 1 to 5. How many stars do i get for good questions . 5. Guillermo 5. Good job. How was my good questions . 2. Guillermo what . Why only 2 . Because there were only two i really understood. Guillermo what about my volume . Your bolume . Guillermo yeah. How many stars do i get for my bolume . Im going to give you a 3. I could hear you. But it wasnt anything too projected. It was fine. Guillermo what about my smell . You smelled delicious. You smelled like happiness and pico degallo. [ laughter ] a 4. Guillermo and my sexiness . Id say a 15. Guillermo wow. Good. Great job. Yeah. Guillermo are you hitting on me . And can i give you a kiss . Backtoback kiss . Oh, my god. Its so impossible, huh . Guillermo what about my sexiness . I could only see you from behind. But i like what i saw. [ laughter ] ill give you a 5 on that one too. Guillermo oh, wow. Thank you very much. Thank you, you cutie patootie. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you, guillermo. We have a great show tonight. Comedian Casey James Salengo is with us. Chef chris bianco is here. Hes going to teach you how to make pizza. And well be right back with Billy Crystal. [ cheers and applause ] as savin0 when you switch to progressive. Winds stirring. Too treacherous for a selfie. [ camera shutter clicks ] sure, ive taken discounts to new heights with safe driver and paperless billing. But the prize at the top is worth every last breath. Here we go. [ grunts ] got em. Ahh. Wait a minute. Whole wheat waffles . [ crying ] why wait a minute. Whole wheat waffles . We, the people, are tired of being surprised with extra monthly fees. We want hd. And every box and dvr. All included. Because we dont like surprises. Yeah. Like changing up the celebrity at the end to someone more handsome. And talented. Really. And british. Switch from cable to directv. Get an all included package for 25 a month. And for a limited time, get a 100 reward card. Call 1800directv. were proud to reveal that jim beam black has been awarded the worlds highest rated bourbon. Their words, not ours. Make history. make history. [ intense music playing ] ] its here, but its going by fast. The opportunity of the year is back the mercedesbenz summer event. Get to your dealer today for incredible onceaseason offers, and start firing up those grilles. Lease the gle350 for 579 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy what time do you get up in the morning . I get up around 6 00. Jimmy why would you get up that early if youre retired . I like to get her going. Jimmy there you go. Using artificial tears often and still have dry eye symptoms . Ready for some relief . Xiidra is the first and only eye drop approved for both the signs and symptoms of dry eye. One drop in each eye, twice a day. Common side effects include eye irritation, discomfort or blurred vision when applied to the eye, and unusual taste sensation. Dont touch container tip to your eye or any surface. Remove contacts before using xiidra and wait at least 15 minutes before reinserting. Chat with your eye doctor about xiidra. We cantwhy . Y here terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. So find a venus smooth that contours to curves, the smoother the skin, the more comfortable you are in it. Flexes for comfort, and has a disposable made for you. Skin smoothing venus razors. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back were going to have some fun tonight. Hes the most celebrated pizza maker in the country. A great chef, and now an author too. His first book is called bianco pizza, pasta and other food i like. Chris bianco is here from phoenix, arizona. [ cheers and applause ] he will show you how to make a pizza at home in your oven, and your life will never be the same. You will become very very fat as a result of watching the show tonight. Then, hes got his own special on Comedy Central this fall, comedian Casey James Salengo is here. [ cheers and applause ] and tomorrow night we have a fun show. Caitlyn jenner will be with us. Finn wittrock will join us, and well have music from brett young. So please join us then. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest is an emmy and Tony Awardwinning performer, the Gold Standard for oscars hosts and one of the funniest people ever, please say hello to Billy Crystal. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you. We broke the record. Jimmy we beat it. [ cheers and applause ] welcome. Its good to see you. By the way, im glad to see you feeling well. Because you were supposed to be here last month. The weirdest injury ever. Jimmy is what you told me true . Totally true. Jimmy what happened . So explain in. Okay. So its the night before the show. So its around 9 30, which is already now past my bedtime. Jimmy okay. Im in that position that a lot of you younger people find your parents in, around 8 30. Im in a position only like a Cirque Du Soleil person or a jellyfish could be in in a chair and im like that. [ laughter ] it looks like a mob hit. And out of the blue, jimmy, i sneeze. Jimmy uhhuh. But a violent sneeze. Folks, if it was a cartoon, my arms are flying off my body, my eyes are coming out of my head, people in the room are now naked because it blew their clothes off. [ laughter ] i went oh, that hurt a little bit. Now i fall asleep. Two hours later i wake up i cant breathe. But its like terrible. Painful. [ gasping ] that thing. I couldnt catch my breath. I sound like a kid caught in a. [ laughter ] i really didnt take the money and this is how the hawaiian language was created. Jimmy i didnt know that. [ laughter ] the little kid crying is the hawn language. So what i did, i tore a rib muscle. Jimmy omray could not breathe. Its not an injury you want to brag about. Jimmy no, yeah, yeah. I didnt rescue a woman out of a burning car. I didnt catch an orphan falling out of a burning jimmy not even cl