Hurricane donald ravaged much of the country yesterday. The effects are still being felt and talked about. I dont know about you, i dont know about your world, but i feel like this is the only thing anyone talks about. Trump and maybe game of thrones. Thats it. [ laughter ] and game of thrones only has two episodes left. So were kind of screwed when that goes. Last night on our show, if you missed it, i had a message for those who voted for donald trump. I explained that i understood why they did it ink, i have to say i think it might have worked. I really think i made a breakthrough. And i base that on the thoughtful responses i got on twitter and facebook. [ laughter ] from people like thomas who wrote, why dont you go somewhere else like a different country if you dont like our president and stop your crying on tv, snowflake. Well, thank you, thomas. [ laughter ] this was from douglas. Jimmy, give me a break. Jimmy, nobody cares what you think. You sound like a whining baby. Does baby jimmy want his bottle . [ laughter ] and twitter user codron wrote i hate them all to be honest. But if youre down for some mindnumbing retardation, i guess jimmy kimmel has got that down pat. Right. Down pact. Maybe the responses on twitter werent great but facebook is different because you have to use your real name. I heard from a lot of terrific on Facebook Like karen who wrote jimmy kimmel reminds me of a demented little kid at a social gathering. Where in the hell is this kids parents . They should be arrest ford giving birth to him. [ laughter ] and james. Jimmy kimmel is the worst talk show host and most stupid person i have ever seen. I watched President Trump today and stupid kimmel took what the president said all wrong and is turning it around to hurt trump. Stupid kimmel as far as im concerned is a racist promoting racism. His sorryass show needs to be canceled. And finally jimmy, who wrote if jimmy heard a firecracker as he was walking by himself anywhere, he would wear his pants like the little coward he is. Well said. And you know what . Hes right. I would wear my pants. [ laughter ] i wear them whifr go out i wear them. Unless im in the pool then i wear shorts. Or at the beach. I want to thank everyone for the feedback. It just goes to show you if you want to know where people are coming from and talk to them like human beings they will open up. You just have to communicate. Yesterday was probably the worst day of the trump presidency, and thats saying a lot. He gave a press conference which he couldnt help but defend nazis and klan members and white supremacists. He just couldnt hold it in. It was an absolute trainwreck even for him. So after all this he goes home, hes back in his apartment in new york for the First Time Since january, finds a bucket of chicken in the fridge. He smells it, he eats it. [ laughter ] goes to bed, sleeps on all of this. And then at 6 12 a. M. With all the fires he lit still burning whats the first thing on his mind . He tweets, amazon is doing great damage to taxpaying retailers, towns, cities and states throughout the u. S. Are being hurt. Many jobs being lost. Thats right. Our president condemned amazon more harshly than he condemned neonazis the previous day. [ laughter ] but there was good reason why the president is suddenly thinking about amazon, and i can assure you it has nothing to do with the fact that the owner of amazon also owns the washington post, which wrote a scathing editorial about him last night. If you think thats a coincidence, well, i have a wall to sell you that mexico will definitely pay for. So dont worry about it. [ applause ] i dont know why, by the way, trump would go after amazon. I mean, they sell many great trump products. Like this countdown to trumps last day clock. [ laughter ] theyve got trump toilet paper. A donald trump chew toy for dogs. And this stylish trump pen holder. Ill let you guess where the pen goes. [ laughter ] also today, after nine ceos, leaders of business, resigned from trumps Business Advisory councils in protest, trump tweeted hes disbanding his Business Advisory councils. Like a kid who cancels his Birthday Party because only the clown showed up. [ laughter ] you cant break up with me. Im breaking up with you first. But listen, people are upset. And i understand why. You know, the president handled a group of racists with kid gloves. But maybe and i want to encourage you to keep an open mind here because maybe he did it because kid gloves are the only gloves that fit on his tiny little hands. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you know, at this point its hard to imagine that anyone is still working for donald trump, but they all are. No one quit. And some of them are even firing back against charges of racism. Michael cohen, whos Donald Trumps personal lawyer, tweeted this today. As the son of a holocaust survivor i have no tolerance for hashtag racism just because i support potus real donald trump doesnt make me racist. And with that he attached photos of himself posing with black people. [ laughter ] two of whom are omarosa. I dont know if you noticed that. How good is that . I would have loved i would give any amount of money to watch him putting that collage together. [ laughter ] scrolling through his phone. Where the hell is that picture of me with don king . Oh, here it is. I bet 500 don king has no idea who he is. But i guess like when you have to scramble you scramble. The white house also trying to do damage control. Quietly. Reportedly they sent a memo to republicans in congress with talking points to use when discussing the subject. One of the talking points was say they wanted the people to say trumps comments on the violence in charlottesville were entirely correct and donald trump has been a voice of unity and calm bringing americans together. Which is so crazy that we had to get in touch with them to ask about this. Joining us now from washington is kellyanne conway. And i want to say hello. Hello, kellyanne. Hello. Thanks for having me. [ applause ] jimmy so kellyanne, thanks for being here. Did the white house really send a memo telling republican members of congress what to say about that mindboggling press conference yesterday . That is absolutely not true. Everyone knows that what the president said in his statement yesterday was 100 correct. There is blame on all sides. The violent alt left must be stopped. Kellyanne, are you reading cue cards right now . [ laughter ] what . No. That is absolutely 100 fake news. And you should be ashamed of yourself for thinking it, jake. Jimmy my names jimmy, not jake. And the reason i said it is because it looked like you were reading. You were moving your head back and forth as if you were reading. Well, you look like youre reading, jake. Hows that . Jimmy im not reading. I was just asking if the president is scripting the responses to what he said, you know . As i said before go back one. [ laughter ] that is absolutely not true. Everyone knows what the president said in his statement yesterday was 100 jimmy kellyanne, youre reading again. I can see we obviously see that youre reading. Thats outrageous. Im not reading. I dont even know how to read. [ laughter ] if i was reading, i would be reading this. The art of the deal by donald trump, the number one bestseller for 58 weeks. Jimmy you have such big hands. That really is amazing. Hey, wait a minute, was that cookie monster . What the hell is cookie monster doing there . Hes our new chairman of the food and drug administration. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy, hes an monstnot a monst. Hes a pretty. Thank you. Hillarys a murderer. [ laughter ] jimmy okay. So that was kellyanne conway, everybody. The president today is back at his golf course in new jersey after two nights at his condo in trump tower. There were thousands of protesters outside the building in new york chanting new york hates you. Which is not the most original chant but it does get the point across. Wasnt quite the welcome home im sure the president imagined he would get. But the good news, if there is any, is the building he owns is now the star of a major motion picture. These visions as you call them. What do you see . I see a tower. The tower is all that stands between light and darkness. Not all of those people were neonazis. Believe me. Not all of those people were white supremacists. Hes like the devil, isnt he . No. Hes worse. They will be met with fire and fury. Millions of people die. Death. Everyones going to die. Death, death, death. [ honking ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im going to see that. We have a good show for you tonight. We have music from midland. Lake bell is here. And well be right back with Zach Galifianakis. [ cheers and applause ] you excited . Its sold out. Dont fret, my friend. I masterpassed it you can use it online and on your phone i masterpassed it. You got the tickets . Onward playing the hero priceless masterpass. The secure way to pay from your bank dont just buy it. Masterpass it. Take an extra 20 kohls off your purchase. Sale get the gear. Win the school year. Kids licensed tees are just 6. 40. Boys plaid wovens are 14. 39 and girls varsity tees are only 11. 99. Plus get kohls cash too. Game on. Kohls. Its about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing new left and right twix® packs. Its time to deside. Hey, is this our turn . Honey. Our turn . Yeah, we go left right here. woman vo Great Adventures are still out there. Well find them in our subaru outback. avo love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Get 0 apr financing for 63 months on all new 2017 outbacks. Ends august 31. With at t you can get your entertainment right here. Right now, when you get the incredible iphone 7 from at t you can get unlimited data and live tv. The channels you love. Your favorite shows and movies. Making your iphone into more of a. Oh my tv is ringing. Hey. Im in the middle of a. A second iphone from at t . Okay right now when you buy a new iphone 7 from at t youll get a second iphone 7 on us. And power both with unlimited data and live tv. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi there. Welcome back to the show. Tonight from her new movie i do until i dont lake bell is here. Then from austin, texas their album on the rocks comes out september 22nd. Midland from the mercedesbenz stage. They definitely win best dressed for sure. Tomorrow night, Salma Hayek Pinault is here. She just added a pinault. Jay ellis, and well have music from bearstronaut. By the way, i want to mention i just had the most terminal conversation with two guys in our audience. I still am eelg from it. I dont know if im going to be able to recover from it. [ cheers and applause ] it was a strange a strange combination of puzzling and boring at the same time. [ laughter ] but if anyone can help these two, i dont know they dont know where they live. [ laughter ] one of them fell off a truck. They need help is what im saying. All right. Our first guest tonight is a very talented man who has an emmy nomination for two roles. He plays brothers dale and chip on baskets. And his new movie tulip fever opens in theaters september 1st. Please welcome Zach Galifianakis [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing, zach . Hi, everybody. [ cheers ] i saw that conversation in the green room with those two guys. I thought it was part of your sizzle reel. [ laughter ] jimmy there was no sizzle guys, welcome welcome to earth. [ laughter ] jimmy one of the guys, i didnt get their names. What are your names . Ian . Yes. Jimmy yeah. I should have figured that. Dont give them mikes [ laughter ] jimmy ian is looking for a job. Yeah. Jimmy and hes going to be interviewing at a Company Called lighthouse up in seattle. Yeah, i heard it. It was like taking ambien. [ laughter ] what kind of work do you do . I actually right now im not working. Jimmy yeah, yeah. Thats why youll fit in in hollywood. Jimmy ian, thats why i mentioned youre looking for a job. He was asking what kind of work do you do . I build gaming pcs and help my parents and friends out with i. T. Repair and Computer Repair and stuff. Do you mind giving out your phone number in case anybody wants to call you . [ laughter ] jimmy dont give the digits in order. But give out all the numbers. [ laughter ] if i felt comfortable enough, i would. But jimmy maybe later in the show. Maybe. Jimmy well check back in with you periodically. [ laughter ] see, thats a movie you need to make. A movie about ians journey and ians life. And by the way, you know, you could win youre nominated for an emmy for your show baskets. [ cheers and applause ] what a segue. Jimmy yeah. Thats what i do. I make segues. Right. Jimmy i take ian and i bring him to emmy is what i do. Well, congratulations. Thanks. Jimmy and im very happy about this because i love that show baskets. And you have two you really could have been nominated twice in that same category, couldnt you . Well, its an honor to be nominated. I did not i didnt think about it. Jimmy did you even know you were nominated when you were nominated . I got some a bunch of texts were coming in on my phone. A lot of them. Jimmy thats where mine come in too. [ laughter ] these were on my land line. Rotary dial. [ laughter ] jimmy that is unusual. No, a lot of texts were coming through. My phone, i never have it on me but i heard it. I thought, that sounds like an emergency, im not getting the phone. [ laughter ] and thats how i found out about it. But yeah, im presently campaigning for it. Jimmy you are . Yeah. Ive got a couple a Russian Company helping me win. [ laughter ] and ive been handing out flyers at the 3rd street promenade. Jimmy anything helps. Yeah. And you know, as campaigning for it, i you know, the audience has been so great and great to me over the years. [ cheers and applause ] some donuts for everybody. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hold on. Enjoy them. Jimmy hold on. Im a little bit unclear. Well, thats nice of you. Not to buy their vote. But i just want you to think about me. Jimmy this is part of your part of the campaign. Yeah. Jimmy but you know that the only people that can vote for the emmys are Academy Members. Oh. Jimmy i dont lets take them back. Is there any Academy Members here . Yeah. Just take them back, then. Jimmy oh, youre taking the donuts back . Well, some of them have been partly you know, thats [ laughter ] well, thats a shame. Well, give ian ian has to have one. Jimmy he wont know whether half bitten donuts to everybody [ applause ] jimmy just pass out pass out one donut to the person on the end and everybody can take a bite and pass it down the aisle. Well, that is not an effective emmy campaign, zach. I hate to tell you. You know your odds you want to know what the odds of winning are, the emmys . Okay. This is youre going to tell me the odds of jimmy you winning the emmy. According to las vegas. Its a vegas thing. Jimmy yeah, there are vegas odds. In your category how many are nominated . Jimmy five. No, six. Six are nominated. In your category the favorite is Donald Glover from that show atlanta. He has a 58 chance of winning. Good for him. But he is not passing out donuts. Jimmy he is not. [ laughter ] a second is jeffrey tambor, whos won in that category a couple of times. He has an 18 chance of winning. 18. Thats strong. I would guess im probably next. Jimmy then william h. Macy is next. He has a 12 1 2 chance of winning. Then aziz ansari. [ laughter ] mmhmm. Jimmy but then there must be a typo. Jimmy then anthony anderson. And then youre in sixth. You have a 1. 96 1. 96 chance to win. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats good. I would rather not be nominated. I would rather not be nominated. Jimmy it seems that you almost werent. [ laughter ] hows your personal life going . How are the kids doing . Do you guys take a big Family Vacation this summertime . No. Family policy is no vacation. Jimmy thats the policy . I dont let the kids leave the house. No, we went down south to vacation to theyre down some statues. Jimmy thats fun. So no vacation for the kids. No disneyland . You dont do anything like that . They dont know what disneyland is. [ laughter ] jimmy they dont . No. Jimmy they have no idea what disneyland how do you keep kids from knowing what disneyland is . The only thing my kids know about is driving around and seeing the billboards in this town. My sons like whats boss baby . I dont know what boss baby is [ laughter ] no marketing to children. Jimmy okay. Well, maybe you should paint up the windows in your car. You know . In the hummer . [ laughter ] jimmy i never imagined you as a hummer driver. Were going to take a break here. Were going to figure out whats going on with everybody in our audience. And when we come back, well see a clip from Zach Galifianakiss new film tulip fever, which opens september 1st. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by the newly redesigned Hyundai Sonata. Their best sonata ever. See more at hyundai. Com. With directv nfl sunday ticket. We want falcons in new york. Jets in la. Bears in new orleans. Or buccaneers in a quaint, little new england bed and breakfast. Can you please pass the marmalade, charlie . I sure can, crazy pirate. Switch to directv and get every game, every sunday with nfl sunday ticket. Call 1800directv. The lincoln summer invitation is on. Its time for a getaway. Now get our best offers of the season. On the agile mkc. On the versatile midsize lincoln mkx. Or go where summer takes you in the exhilarating mkz. The lincoln summer invitation sales event. Ask about complimentary pick up delivery servicing. Right now get zero percent apr plus 1,000 dollars Summer Savings on the lincoln mkx, mkc and mkz take an extra 20 kohls off your purchase. Sale get the gear. Win the school year. Kids licensed tees are just 6. 40. Boys plaid wovens are 14. 39 and girls varsity tees are only 11. 99. Plus get kohls cash too. Game on. Kohls. Where in gods name have you been . Ive been fighting gypsies. Ive been fighting bakus. I fought and i won. Wheres the package . Garrett. The package. The onion . You bloody fool. That is Zach Galifianakis in tulip fever. It opens on september 1st. I liking you do an accent. Giving 100 . Thats jude laws voice dubbed over mine. [ laughter ] jimmy is that right . They brought someone in to overdub. They wanted your face and his voice. Thats interesting. Tha