And now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whats going on . Its purple night. Hey, everybody. Thank you so much. Yeah. Very nice. Welcome to the the show, everybody. Thank you so much. Welcome welcome, everybody cheers and applause feels good. Thats very nice. You guys feel good . Welcome. Thank you so much. Well, that is that is you know what you call that . You know what you call that . You know what you call those people . That is a friday night audience right there. cheers and applause no doubt about it. Jon yeah stephen yeah. Which is definitely is. This is definitely friday and ill prove it because look right here. Ive got thursdays paper. And i bought it yesterday. You do the math, okay. Hey, have you seen this, speaking of headlines. Burger king unveiled a new menu item. Its called mac n cheetos. And its mac and cheese covered in cheeto dust and deep fried. applause yeah. I would give anything for that not to sound fantastic to me. Because its good. The fry at the end there gets you. That fry just pulls you in at the last minute. This. Food . Is the result of such advanced scientific engineering, that if you listen carefully you can hear individual macaronis whispering kill me. But remember, the mac n cheetos are available for a limited time only. And if you eat them, so are you. laughter applause theyll last forever. Theyll be here. A single serving of that will be here long after were all gone. Speaking of things that last forever, theres big news in archaeology. Researchers have just found that the Great Pyramid of giza is slightly lopsided, with the west side measuring about 5. 5 inches longer than the east. Now, for thousands of years, we have marveled at the ability of ancient people to build an incredible monument with such precision. So i just want to say. In your face, ancient egypt your socalled Great Pyramid 61 onethousandths of 1 off from being perfect. I guess its true what they say about ancient hebrew slave labor you get what you pay for sorry, no. Shoddy workman ship. Meanwhile, here in new york, its pride weekend. applause thats the pride. Thats the pride. It kicked off tonight with a huge rally, which according to the website, featured a performance by bob the drag queen. applause some fans here. Im so glad bob the builder is finally living his truth. Bob the drag queen. Can can we work it . Of course, the main event is the pride parade. Its a special day where the l. G. B. T. Q. Community takes to the streets to show the doubters that they can snarl traffic just as well as straight speaking of new york, id like to take a moment to salute a local hero, a queens resident, named Nelson Hidalgo. Last saturday, hidalgo was arrested for a disturbance. And not the kind you usually hear about in queens a pigeon fighting an old lady over a calzone. Im sorry that should have been a pigeon fighting over a calzone with an old lady. Jon reverse reverse reverse its friday. No, Nelson Hidalgo was arrested for blasting music from his van, which has 80 speakers in it. Which explains the bumper sticker, if this vans arockin, dont come aknockin. Because no one will be able to hear you over the speakers. Now, hidalgo cranked it up and ripped off just rattled off from all thevibrations, because police were bombarded by noise complaints including one that came from the bullpen at citi field where the mets were taking on the braves. The coach was even overheard saying, whos on first . No, really, who . I cant hear you over this damn music even more impressive, when hidalgo was arrested, he was sitting in the passenger seat with a coors light. cheers and applause what seems to be the problem officer buzzkill . Is there some sort of law against having a good time . There is . Its called an open container law . Ill drink to that. laughter then put that down over there. Then he told the arresting officer, i know its illegal, but its the weekend. cheers and applause thats nice. When they let all the prisoners out of jail and say, see you monday now, i really would have met hidalgo in person. And i used all of the cbs resources at my disposal to try and get Nelson Hidalgo on the show tonight, and im not kidding. We cannot locate the guy. We even tried stepping outside and listening. Nothing. So let me address him directly right over the television. Nelson, dont let johnny law push you around, my friend. Because no matter how many speakers are on your party van, youre still not the loudest person from queens. cheers and applause yeah hey now, say hello to our friend jon batiste and stay human, everybody. cheers and applause stephen before we go any further, there is something i need to address. Like most shows we herat the late show use closed captioning. Its a great way to help our hearing impaired viewers, viewers at the gym, or anyone who has to watch the show on mute because my voice is too damn seductive. Come with me to the chamber of pleasure. cheers and applause lets go down. And, apparently, there was a slight mistake in the closed captioning during my interview with our friend Michael Ian Black last week. He had just bought a hot tub and i was asking him about it. Stephen the other big news on you, and tell me if this is true, you bough a hot tub. Hell, yeah, i bought a hot tub stephen okay, seems like a simple conversation, no problem there. But this is what cbs broadcast on closed caption. laughter applause this is problamatic for so many reasons. I mean, for one, hot Harriet Tubman . Thats laughter applause thats redundant. Lets go down. laughter but id like to assure everyone that he did not purchase a hot Harriet Tubman. And also as it was captioned later he does not spend most of his time in the hot Harriet Tubman. laughter applause by the way. Not true. Its not true of he didnt say it. It was closed captioned. By the way, im officially turning down michaels invitation to join him in his hot Harriet Tubman. Im flattered. Its just not my scene. So, now that thats all fixed, i would like to apologize to my hearing impaired viewers. Im sorry that the closed captions during my interview with Michael Ian Black were mistranscribed. I also want to apologize to Harriet Tubman, who helped free over 300 people, truly a great emancipator. And i hope we can put this unfortunate incident behind us. Now, stick around, weve got kevin hart after the break. Well be right back. Thats why bud light has aes new look. And we want to share it with everyone. Jackpot still the same refreshing bud light. With a new look. They call you short stack. Half pint. Lil bit. Small fry. Nobody even knows your name. But thats about to change. Time to shine. Orbit. Never underestimate the power of energizer. Our longest lasting energizer max er. What if we woke up one day and everything just stopped going wrong . No more accidents. No more fires. No more emergencies. No more bad anything. But in a world where things stopped going wrong, where would state farm be . Right here. To help with college. Here. For that first car. And here. For new beginnings. Because in a world where nothing went wrong, helping make life go completely right. rustling sound effects, did we put away all the food . Define all. Ahhhhhhhhh cheetos crunching such majestic creatures. What knee pain . . What sore elbow . Advil liquigels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My next guest is a little guy but one of the greatest guys in the world. His latest project is the secret life of pets. You idiot. Did they all get away . That was a close one oh, nuts yes we got one oh, good for you guys. Yay oh, yes, tiny we got your friend. Advantage me. Haha uhoh. Just ignore what just happened. Okay . Ahaha. Yes stephen please welcome, kevin hart applause hello hello hello its amazing, isnt it . Good for you. Stephen people very excited about kevin hart. Oh, stop it stop that stephen wait a second. Thats an amazing response, but you must be used to that pause youre one of the few comedians in the world, you sell out huge arenas. Like the o2 arena in london, philly . Lincoln financial where youre from. We did 53,000 people. Im what do you call it, a big deal. Yeah. cheers and applause . Stephen thats nice. How do you play how do you play a joke to 53,000 people . How do you, like, hold a room like that,an pride myself on making those rooms intimate rooms. Im a storyteller, so when you tell a story the beauty of doing it with an amazing audience is captivating the the audience with every word until the punchline comes. I paint pictures but theyre realistic pictures. At the end of the day, i put myself in your shoes and you can see yourself in my stories because my stories are relatable. I dont separate myself. Thats why i love you people. Stephen its good to know why people love you. I wouldnt want it to be a mystery. No, you have to make sure you never lose sight of reality, and rele that connection with the fans. Stephen you really think you can hold on to reality . Youre so huge. You hit 30 Million People on twitter today. I did everybody danced around the world. I tweeted, dance. I just hit 30 million. I want everybody to dance. And i really believe everybody danced. Stephen all right, all right. You have two movies out right now at the same time. You have the secret life of pets. Youve got Central Intelligence with dwayne johnson. Yes, thank you, thank you, man. Stephen secret life of pets you play a militant white bunny. Stephen white bunny. Okay. I do not think of you as a militant white bunny. First of all, i took it because i wanted to play somebody white. laughter applause you know, i jumped at the opportunity. Stephen uhhuh. I said im not going to get this opportunity a lot. I said ill take it. Its a bunny. It dont matter. Heste i want to do it. When they told me hes militant, the whole thing with the bunny is he is starting a revolution. This guy is in charge of taking this group of pets and turning them against humans. And i was like, thats me. I do that all the time. I brought my characteristic traits to the bunny. And they loved it. They allowed me to improv and play around as much as possible. It came out good. Stephen do you have pets of your own . I do have pets. I have two dogs. Stephen do you think when youre not around theyre doing the kinds of things these animals are doing . 100 . I have a doberman pincher. And a minpin. Stephen oh, minipincher. I did it as a joke. I bought it as a joke. When people come to my house, look at the big doberman hes got a little one, too stephen do people do that . No. Nobody has done it, and it has pissed me off. Its made me feel like the little one of a waste of money. Nobody get youre there for a punchline. Thats the only reason youre there is to be a punchline. Stephen i hope that dog is not watching right now. It would be really depressing to find out you were just there for a punchline. That dog cooked potato salad one day, i know he did. To make potato salad, and my lady cant cook. I came home, potato salad was on the table. Who cooked the potato salad . Had to be the dog. Stephen thats logical. 100 pure logic. I love dogs. I have become a dog guy. My fiance is aing to lover. I was against pets. I was against bleep that could mess my house up. Stephen how did she turn you into a dog person . Women do man. They make you do what you dont want to do. Thats what women do. Thats a talent women have. They beat you down. I dont know how she did it. I think she asked me for two years straight. And one day i might have been drunk and i was like, all right. And the next thing i know, we get these dogs. And now the dogs sleep in the bed. I have no sayso. My doberman, i woke up, this dogs respect level is so low. Her face is on my face. And i was like, what are you doing . And shes going growling . Stephen youre talking about the dogs still, right . You crossed over between making you do things you dont want to do. My lady lets it happen. I dont even have control over my bed anymore. I come there, and the dogs are it in the bed. I have to find a position to sleep in. Inspectorly the dog is in the bed and he looks at the comfort spot. And im like thats me. Excuse me i dont want to wake anybody up. Stephen do you mind if i sleep at the bottom. I take this nook version of the bed thaty left for me. I dont explain about it. Stephen i dont know how youre writing a memoir that comes out in 2017, next year. Im going to be honest with you. I dont even know what day it is. Right now, im sleeping. This is how i sleep. It stephen its friday, itsed from. Its friday here but i have to be someplace else tomorrow. I dont know what day it will be there. I have to be out of the country. Honestly, im working a lot, man. I love the load that i have. You know, it is a lot, and i put a lot on my plate but at the end of the day god doesnt give you anything you cant handle. And im a Firm Believer that i can not only handle these things but im doing it at the highest of my potential. Im not only handling it but im in love with it. Im in love with my craft. Im in love with the fact that im succeeding. Stephen thats fantastic. Im happy, im happy. Stephen thats a great feeling. Thats an amazing feeling. Stephen you can hang on and well talk a little bit more. What if i said no. Stephen we could come back and i would weep into in that case i can hang on. Stephen well be right back with more kevin hart. The new ford escape. Life is a sport. We are the utility. Be unstoppable. See, we can agree. Reat. Out what . That was in oscar mayer deli fresh ham made with pure honey for a taste everyone will love. And youre talking to your doctor about your medication. This is humira. This is humira helping to relieve my pain and protect my joints from further damage. This is humira helping me go further. Humira works for many adults. It targets and helps to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to ra symptoms. Doctors have been prescribing humira for over 13 years. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Talk to your rheumatologist. This is humira at work. Squuuuack, lets feed him lets feto the sharks sharks yay and take all of his gold and take all of his gold ya and hide it from the crew ya. . Squuuuack, theyre all morons anyway i never said that. They all smell bad too. No you all smell wonderful i smell bad if youre a parrot, you repeat things. Its what you do. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Squuuuack, its what you do. Our friend kevin hart. Kevin, as we were saying before the break, 2016 has been big for you. Yes. Stephen do you four huge movies just this year. Even know what youre here promoting right now . I have a pretty good idea. Stephen its a kevin hart project. I know im in it. The toughest thing when going to the movies is making a choice of which movie of myself that i want to watch. Thats the toughest thing, but i go to the movies and im like i want to see me but which version of me . Do i want to me as the white guy . Thats the bunny. Or the Central Intelligence . And sometimes i see both, repeating myself over and over again. Stephen well, i want to make sure that next year is just as were going to try to lock down your schedule for 2017. I like it. Right here, right now. Stephen this is the the the late show maybe coming soon. I like it. Stephen you want to be clear they have a series of projects id like to pitch to you right now. That i think would be great are you. They dont exist yet but we already made the poster for the movie because they say when you think of the movie, think of the poster first. It has to be visual. Stephen heres the first one so hollywood, i hope youre listening because kevin hart is attached so, hollywood, i hope youre to these projects. Its called ultrasound tag line is nap time is over. You play a rock n roll baby. Tell me whats exciting you about this project. First of all, the fact that im Strong Enough to hold a guitar at that age. Thats exciting. Another thing, im big on being a sex symbol, as a baby, exposing your chest and having females following you. Stephen leaves very little to the imagination here. Youre a child prodigy, it turns out in this movie, who is actually already playing the guitar in the womb. Wow. Stephen thats the opening scene and an extremely painful birth. T stephen youre on board. Im on board with that. Stephen this next one is exciting. Its slightly more dramatic. Youre going to play the lead in a new period epic eye hope, if we can get this going its called do dog titanic, this e with dogs. Youre playing the leo part, and its mutts who fall in love with pure breds in first class. Why do i look like im scared bleep of the dogs . Stephen because there is no place to take them for a walk. Theyre all down in steerage. I like that. Stephen you like this one . I want more. Stephen its got a happy ending . Whats the happy end displg they just pee on the iceberg and it melts. Stephen this one im particularly excited about. This one is called kevins heart. Its the heart wants what it wants. Its about a man whose heart leaves it because hes gotten too many broken hearts, and then he chases the heart for the rest of the movie until he finds out at the end that his heart was in his chest all the time. Wait a minute, so this is a drama. Stephen oh, yeah, this is a relationship movie. First of all, this is the demographic im looking for. Any movie that i can do to show what im like without a is a strong movie to me. My question is when my heart leaves my body and i find out that my heart is almost like a little person, does that affect me, knowing i was an alien this whole time, or am i okay with this . Thats the thing with my character. Where do i go from here . Because im heartless. Which means this is a villain side thi bleep people up at some point in time. Stephen this is why this is a perfect project for you. This is where i go, man. Stephen this is where you get to use yug acting chops. Its called the embers of autumn. And look at the chemistry. Look at the chemistry between the two of you. You know what . Being that im engaged any time you get to work with a beautiful woman thats called legal cheating so ill take it. Ill take it right there. Stephen that is actually thats the sequel to embers of autumn.