How did you get that so wrong . I was intocks dated. Stephen but sunday, when you told that story to billy bush, it was hours after the incident. I was still intoxicated. Stephen okay. But then on wednesday, you told matt lauer again you were robbed. That was another three days later. I was very intocks dated. Stephen ryan, are you intoxicated right now . laughter any reaction at all . Let me ask you this, ryan, do you know what a gun is . I cant answer that. Stephen is this a gun to you . I dont know at all. Stephen now, there is talk about banning you from swimming over this. Lets say youre given a second chance. Describe for me, describe for the audience the ryan lochte we can expect to see at the olympics in tokyo in 2020. Intockintoxicated. Stephen a its the late show with Stephen Colbert, amy schumer, Omari Hardwick, Michaela Watkins, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, the late show in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs stephen hey, everybody welcome to the late show, everybody. Thank you so much. applause oh, what a lovely crowd. I got to tell you, im Stephen Colbert. Im happy to tell you that. I want to tell you that. Its great to be back, and i just want to start out tonight by saying, u. S. A. Number one cheers and applause u. Su. S. A. u. S. A. u. S. A. my favorite mob, mindless. Why are we chanting . Because america just dominated the 2016 olympics cheers and applause thats right, we killed it. The olympics are a time that the whole world comes together and competes in the spirit of brotherhood and goodwill, so let me be the first to say suck it, world cheers and applause suck it in record time we got 121 medals and im not surprised. I watched the games here in the states, cant remember the channel, and from what i saw, apparently, only americans competed. Americans, and usain bolt. Of course. Hes an honorary american, because jamaica is basically tropical colorado. Not only did america lead the overall medal count, we won the most gold medals, the most silver medals, and the most bronze medals. Which means were not only number one, were also number one at being two and three laug cheers and applause were number six i think. I think thats math. And the majority of those ic female athletes. cheers and applause nice. So, boys, next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, say thank you. cheers and applause over two dozen of those medals were won by africanamerican women, and on twitter people celebrated that with the hashtag blackgirlmagic. Which i guess was easier to type than hashtag blackgirlhardworkanddedication. I dont know. laughter but the big story was ryan lochte, hashtag fratboytragic, hes fun laughter and his madeup story about he and three other swimmers being robbed at gunpoint in brazil. Turns out they werent robbed, they just had a confrontation with security guards after they drunkenly stopped at a gas station, broke some stuff, and urinated on the building. I just want to say guys, you stopped at a gas station for a pee break . Cmon, youre olympic swimmers, you spend 90 of your lives in public pools. Thats what the chlorines for. Come on. Were all adults. But lochte said he didnt lie about what happened. He has a simple and repeatable explanation. I overexaggerated the story. I overexaggerated. I overexaggerated some parts. My mistake was overexaggerating. What really happened. You werent lying . I wasnt lying to a certain extent. I overeexaggerated what was happened. Stephen he example if he said he understood what the word lie means, that would be a bit of an overexaggeration. applause i think were applauding lying. Im not entirely sure. laughter and, now, the whole world thinks of ryan lochte as that crazy american with weird hair who keeps on making stuff up and causing an international incident, which is not how an olympian acts, thats how a president ial candidate acts. laughter get it straight cheers and applause i got, like, half a superman going on tonight. I dont know whats going on there. Dont tell anybody. laughter and, today, lochte lost all four of his sponsors, including speedo. Yeah. And thats got to hurt, because theyve been his biggest supporter well, not biggest, but crucial. laughter bathing suit area, check out japanese pole vaulter hiroki ogitas failed attempt at qualifying. He goes up, hits the bar with his leg, should be fine, coming down and. Boom he knocks the bar off with a clunk of his junk there it is. Oh, that poor man. Can you imagine in just think, for the rest of his life, hell have to tell everyone, yeah, i went to the olympics, but i didnt win gold because my bleep is too big. laughter applause what are you gonna do . What are you gonna do . laughter you win some, you win you win. laughter another olympic oopsy daisy was bulgarian rhythmic gymnast neviana vladinova, who danced her hoop routine to the theme from schindlers list. Come on, rhythmic gymnasts, dont drag schindlers list into this. Grown adults playing with ribbons and hoops is sad enough. laughter literally any other song would have been a better choice. Like she could have used titanic. Not the music, just the sound of the ship going down. sinking ship sounds you want some happy music . Say hi to my fellow musicians jon batiste and stay human band playing cheers and applause hey, jon, how are you doing . Jon great, man. Stephen who was your break, man . Jon fantastic. I was relaxing, then i went to play a few shows, and then, you know, we just chilled out and had a good time. Stephen well, that sounds nice. One thing i want to talk to you about is, with everybody paying attention to the olympics, one story that i think got under a lot of peoples radar is there is a tragic flooding situation going on in southern louisiana right now, historic levels of rain coming, trillions of gallons fell in one week, thousands of people misplaced, millions and millions of damage and they still dont know total. Because its not a named storm,eth not getting the attention like katrina and sandy but its an enormous problem. Do you it . Yeah, a lot of people in my extended family. My immediate family are blessed enough to be okay. There is a lot of things going on. Hopefully people can do something. Stephen colbertlateshow. Com, we have local charities there that are directly helping the people where you can go help right now. So check it out, please. cheers and applause you know, the late show was off for two weeks, but donald trump still had original episodes. laughter so lets catch up, in tonights report what donald trump did on my summer vacation. laughter now, before i dive in, ive got to be careful here. Im not used to taking a twoweek dose of trump in one segment. Hes like arsenic. Youve got to take small sips everyday so he doesntl while i was away, trump did something ive never seen him do before try to appeal to someone. This was his pitch to black voters over the weekend tonight im asking for the vote of every single africanamerican citizen in this country who wants to see a better future. Look how much African American communities have suffered under democratic control. To those i say the following, what do you have to lose by trying something new like trump . Youre living in poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs, 58 of your youth is unemployed. What the hell do you have to lose . audience reacts booing stephen hes a people person. laughter very appealing. Very appealing . Jon yeah, ill definitely vote for that guy. applause stephen you see, youre open minded. Thank you for staying open minded, jon. Yes, black people, as far as donald trump knows, youre all poor, your schools suck, youre unemployed, your last meal was a football with the word turkey written on it, so take a chance what have you got to lose . Its summed up in trumps new slogan youre already on fire, so you may as well shoot shoot yourself in the head. laughter applause now, this is going to be a tough sell jons enthusiasm aside because and this is true among black voters, in a two person race, trump is in fourth place. laughter thats like coming in third at solitaire. laughter plus, last week, Trumps Campaign chairman, and joe pesci corpse double, Paul Manafort resigned after ukraines Anticorruption Bureau revealed that he may have received 12 million in undisclosed payments. By the prorussian Political Party of ukraines proputin government. I dont know why this was undisclosed. If someone gave me 12 million, id be at the bar saying, hey, guess who just oh, and you want to know why i didnt win gold in the pole vault . Its a pretty good story. laughter applause so, with manafort out, trump was forced to bring in a new trumpwrangler Breitbart News chief and lesbian haircut model steve bannon. Now, if you havent heard of Breitbart News you dont have a racist uncle on facebook. Bannon is known as a political brawler. According to one former spokesperson for breitbart he is someone who is prone to profanitylaced tirades at all hours of the night. What a refreshing change from donald trump, who likes to go to bed early. And he has a bold new direction for the campaign, because bannon has convinced trump that the rest of the Campaign Needs to be bareknuckles brawl with huge rallies. Gloves off. Thats right. Bannon thinks the reason trump is behind in the polls is that hes been too civil, and now the gloves are off. The tiny, tiny gloves. laughter cheers and applause by the way, donald trump would have no trouble with the pole vault. Well be right back with amy schumer. cheers and applause introducing tmobiles most epic deal ever get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone in the family. 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Lets put it to the test. Youre up. Ew. Im gonna play it. Wedge . Yup next anncr it speeds evaporation to help keep you cool and dry. Hanes xtemp technology. Because ycool, youre comfortable. Serving up a delicious variety seared to smoky oak perfection. Theres something for every craving. Like savory woodfire grilled chicken with two sides for just 9. 99. The new wood fired grill. Only at applebees cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause my first guest tonight is a brilliant comedian and now the author of her highly anticipated book the girl with the lower back tattoo. Please welcome amy schumer. band playing cheers and applause welcome yeah cheers and applause i love the band stephen theyre the best band. I love you, i love the band. Stephen i feel the same way, in my darkest moments. Oh, wow. Te the new book, the girl with the lower back tatoo. I wrote a book. Stephen you did. Thats quite an achievement. You wrote a good book, not just a book. I didnt even know i could read. laughter stephen youre feeling a little under the weather, thanks for being here. Why, because i walked ten feet . Yeah, i just finished filming a movie with goldie hawn. cheers and applause such a rough life. Stephen thats the part were supposed to be sympathetic about, spent the summer in hawaii . Yeah, i got really sick there. I got bronchitis, was in the hospital so we had to stop shooting. Stephen you went to the hospital . You know it stephen like fluids and stuff like that sninchts sister and i were laughing so hard. They were taking booed all the time and they kept having to i was rock bottom and, so, i couldnt speak, and i coughed so hard stephen thats difficult when youre a performer not being able to speak. Turns out, i thought the gold was just this, but im, like, ariel, you have to hear my voice. I coughed so hard i fractured my own ribs. Stephen do you want a little hot tea . Thats exactly what i want. Thank you. Selfpromotion. Stephen a little bit. All you guys are the same. Stephen weve got to. Thats sofies. Thank you. Stephen did you get to enjoy the islands . What island were you on . Ho honolulu, oahu i dont know, there was a palm tree. laughter i was sick the whole time. First of all, im from here, so i like to sit and not move. Stephen yeah. And everyoik like, everyone likes every day. Stephen theyre so healthy. Theyre so healthy. Dogs hike. Cats, you will see on a hiefnlgt laughter i went liking and somebody said, on your left it was, like, a baby in a diaper blowing past me. laughter stephen did you go to kauai . Because its like the grand canyon of i was too sick. I was bed ridden. Stephen i went hiking on kauai on my honeymoon because we walked down into a canyon and i couldnt get out. laughter i thought, thats it for me, no sex on my honeymoon. I couldnt climb up a hill. And nothing was wrong with you. Stephen i felt like cutting off my arm by the end of it. What a great way to start a marriage. Stephen yeah. Hawaii didnt totally agree with me. They would h circumstances. You and which are stopped easily. It was really muddy and i asked someone and they said, is it going to be this muddy at the top . They were, like, yes, but also there are bees up there. laughter nothing slows them down. Stephen dont drink the water. It has leprosy in it. Nothing slows them down. Stephen we went to the met gala. We did. Stephen look at this, this is you. cheers and applause oh, my gosh. Stephen thats all safety pins. Those were a necessity. Stephen yeah, in case somebody needed to change a babys diaper. I look like ben roth also berger roethlisberger. Stephen no, you look beautiful. Who is that . Me and beyonce, my best friend cheers and applause wow. I saw this picture and i really wanted to post it but because can you zoom in on my face . I look like a witch. I have a witchs that is a witchs profile. I am a witch, and i have no idea. But, yes. Stephen you look beautiful. I got to meet me. Stephen she got to meet you. applause stephen well take a break and be back with more amy schumer cheers and applause this is my body of proof. Proof of less joint pain. And clearer skin. This is my body of proof that i can fight Psoriatic Arthritis with humira. Humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. Its proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. Humira is the number 1 prescribed biologic for Psoriatic Arthritis. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Want more proof . Ask your rheumatologist about humira. Humira. Whats your body of proof . cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause stephen were back with amy schumer. Congrats on the book, the girl with the lower back tatoo. A classic. Stephen theres actually the lower back tattoo right there. There it is. Thats nice. Have you ever heard a audience . laughter this is a huge regret. Stephen why . I could have got rid of it, but im, like, no, i did this to myself. Every vacation i go on, im in a bikini, oh, good, theres trash here. You cant hide. Stephen you cant sea it without a treeway mir or. Threeway something. People see it. laughter stephen these are personal stories from your life. Even diary entries when you were younger. Yeah. Stephen how can you be an introvert and play huge crowds and be a comedienne . Being a performer is great. Youre alone up here. You can feel that, right . Stephen yeah. Youre alone. Stephen very lonely. People come in, there is a performance and then you dont have to see them anymore. My hotel room by myself. Seems strange but i am a classic introvert. You run out of energy. Stephen mobilely available people. I dont like to talk to anyone with. Even if i see someone i like at the gym, im, like, oh, my god. You want to recharge and be alone. Stephen do you want to be with people totally on your own terms, like, just stand over there, i might come talk to you if my loneliness becomes great enough. Have you talked to my boyfriend . Stephen you and your boyfriend cay noodling in bed on instagram. I told him jokes i had been writing and he fell asleep. Stephen thats a really lonely feeling. You also talk about being out on the road, living the life of a standup. I was in never standup. Whats that like . If youre a guy, its fun because you get laid. laughter mmhmm. Im sure theyre all married now. Stephen theyre just shy. Youre a girl, it embarrasses them. Somethings going on with him. Trust me. He has an energy. He has an energy. laughter stephen you have a boyfriend. Sorry. Good point. So, you know, yeah, im an introvert. So i dont know why that was supposed to be a defense for why i would be hitting on your standup basses. Stephen yeah. O the road sucks. Whats the question . laughter stephen the question was how are you feeling now. Has the fever kicked in . Im still not at 100 , thats the truth. But im so lucky the way i get to go on the road now. I bring my family. Jazz trio opens up the show. Stephen really . Yeah, we are not follo laughter and its cool. I kind of feel a little bit out on the campaign trail for hillary because i get to talk to cheers and applause stephen well, you know whats nice down the road . Bring a nice book with you. The nices nicest book i can thif is the girl with the lower back tatoo. The author is amy schumer, everybody. Well be right back cheers and applause before taking his team to state for the first time. Gilman go get it, marcus. Go get it. Coach gilman used his cash rewards credit card from bank of america to earn 1 cash back everywhere, every time. At places like the batting cages. [ crowd cheers ] 2 back at Grocery Stores and now at wholesale clubs. And 3 back on gas. Whic