And that a philadelphia cheese steak should beha iled as the new king cheers and applause for more this just in jill stein now saying a cheese steak king would not make a good ruler and we should overthrow him and end his gooey, meaty ran meaty f terror. Breaking news, jill stein has cheese whiz. All hail, we live to serve you stephen welcomes Jason Bateman, Padma Lakshmi and Michael Lewis, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape in the ed sull tivanerheat in new york cheers and applause . Stephen hey watch out, baby cheers and applause whoa how are ya hey welcom im so excited to be here tonight with you guys. Its an amazing crowd tonight. cheers and applause even better than the crowd last night, i hosted the Kennedy Center honors last night, its going to broadcast december 28th, right . Something like that. Check your local listings, but only cbs. Going to be on cbs. With all these art ition artists. They have the rainbow ribbons, the Kennedy Center, the first lady is there. Youre backstage with the legends because its legends honoring legends. Last night i got to meteringo star meet ringo starr cheers and applause thats exactly what i said when i saw him do you know what he says to everybody he seehe he says this laughter jon two deuce stephen he does this to everybody. And youre, like, okay, peace and love. Im right next to him and im, like, ive got to introduce myself to ringo starr. I turned to him and said, ringo, what an honor. Im hosting tonight. He said, oh, look, what do we he knew my name i couldnt believe it cheers and applause a beetle a beetle knew my name he goes, whats it been, like 20 years . laughter and i said, yeah yeah, its been about 20 years. And we have never met. But in my moment of glory, i didnt want to contradict ringo starr. Jon yeah. Stage later together at the end of show, they were honoring the eagles. The show ends with life in the fast lane, they tear down the house, tall guys are on stage, steve is out there, bob sieger is there. I believe were all ready for the resiegerence. Hes just ripping his way and ringo doesnt have a tambourine, i dont think he has a mic, hes dancing on the stage doing this laughter but everybodys so happy to be on stage with ringo, that im just going to back to him, hey whats going on . Whoo cheers and applause thank you. Is after last night, i think im the fifth beetle. I think i might be. cheers and applause whats this say . Lets see, what else . Other than me meeting ringo, whats the big story today . Oh, the big story this weekend is that donald trump created an international oopsy daisy by getting on the phone with taiwan president tsai ingwen. Hey, how you doing . What are you wearing . Thats inappropriate laughter heres the thing, the u. S. Doesnt recognize taiwan as being an independent nation because china views taiwan as a renegade province. Basically, its like if cheers refused to acknowledge that frasier had become its own show. laughter applause thats not you, right . And economic reasons, the u. S. Has gone along with it since jimmy carter. Now, since they both speak chinese, he wasnt sure which was which. So heres an easy way for donald trump to remember which china we talk to. Sir, its the one where they make your ties. cheers and applause thats easy. Made in america. So its kind of a big deal. In fact, the exchange touched the most sensitive spot for chinas Foreign Policy. No surpise. Donald trump has a long history of sensitive spottouching, and cheers and applause when this blew up, trump explne tweeting the president of taiwan called me today to wish me congratulations on winning the presidency. Thank you yeah, she called him but how are all these rogue World Leaders getting his private number . Has he posted flyers all over the world promising to teach you guitar . But hell apparently take any congratulatory call, and it doesnt matter who its from. Mr. Trump, we have a couple of well wishers on the phone, robert mugabe, joran van der sloot, and the guy who shot harambe. Put him through. Put him through. Put him through. Good guy. Jon whoa. Really . Harambe, thats where you draw the line . Really . Hamb benefit of the doubt, with the Chinese Foreign minister calling it, a shenanigan by the taiwan side. Gnaw, i dont know about you ive never heard of a single shenanigan. Its usual more than one. They usually travel in pairs. Its shenanigans. Theyre breeding pairs, that how you get more than one shenanigan. Hijink. cheers and applause now, some reports say this wasnt a random phone call that trump took, upsetting our nuclear rival. Some say it was planned for months in advance. So if you were worried that trump might accidentally start world war iii, cheer, up he might be doing it on purpose. laughter meanwhile, here in the homeland, trump continues to make cabinet facebook friend requests. laughter applause its a system. A system. The point is, a system is in place. Theres a process. Click today, he named former neurosurgeon and current coma patient ben carson to be laughter secretary of housing and urban development. This is surprising because, just a few weeks ago, carson made it clear he wasnt qualified to run a federal agency. But today carsons spokesman explained that he is perfect for housing and urban development because he did spend part of his childhood in public housing. Yes audience reacts so get ready for our next Surgeon General someone who has been to the doctor. applause cheers and applause and last week, at the first of his victory rallies, trump teased the crowd with a major cabinet announcement. I dont want to tell you this because i want to save the suspense for next week. Dont let it outside of this room, you promise . Raise your hand, promise. Cross my heart, and hope to die. Now, trump did eventually get around to making an announcement, and it was worth the wait. We are going to appoint mad dog mattis as our secretary of defense. cheers stephen okay. A secretary of defense with the nickname mad dog does not make me feel safer. Youve got a president with no experience at Foreign Policy with his finger on the button, and the other person in the room is a guy named mad dog. Thats not a secretary of defense, thats the sidekick on a morning zoo. Or secretary of state hair trigger harrison. I want c. I. A. Director cool cat covington and joint chief of staff general willing to project American Power but surprisingly rational about it robinson. cheers and applause and mad dog certainly earned his nickname. Listen to some of his advice be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet. this quote and more can be found in mattis selfhelp book howi to win friends and murder them. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Jason bateman is here. But when we return, weve got a new game to play. You could win big money. So stick around. . . Is that coffee . Yea, its nespresso. I want in. . . Youre ready. . . Get ready to experience a cup above. Is that coffee . This tuesday through saturday at kohls only once a year friends and family save a little more with an extra 25 off so you can give a little more this holiday. Its time to get cozy so bundle up for the Tree Lighting spread some holichday eer and give a cozy nights sleep. Your Insurance Company wont replace the full value of your totaled new car. The guy says, you picked the wrong insurance plan. No, i picked the wrong Insurance Company. With new car replacement . , well replace the full value of your car cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back. cheers and applause great band but the greatest band on television, jon batiste and stay human come on cheers and applause jon thank you stephen folks, i gotta tell you, we have a fantastic show for you tonight. We have an amazing show for you tonight. Also super excited about tomorrow nights show. Vice President Joe Biden sitting in that chair right there. Got a lot to talk about. cheers and applause there is so much to talk about. Especially we need to talk about the Charity Basketball game that jon and i are going to play against Vice President biden and president obama. All right . cheers and applause im excited. I can announce this, right . It is a go. Jon and i wipl a game of Charity Basketball. So far, jon and i have committed. applause laughter and i didnt want to button hole the Kennedy Center honors last night. It would not be appropriate. You talk about that, yeah. Stephen but i could see it in his eyes, hes probably in. Jon he probably wants to do it. Stephen its for charity. Jon for the kids. Stephen its for the children jon yeah. Stephen we dont know what charity is for children or former children. laughter jon oh, right former children. Stephen everybody was once a little boy or girl, right . Jon everybody cheers and applause stephen tomorrow night well get the whole thing settled with sobbed tomorrow night and they will commit and help the kids. I would hate to think they wouldnt want to help the kids. Jon oh, man. Stephen that would be bad. Stephen you dont want to the last month with not having the charity thing with you and me. Jon yeah. Stephen theyre athletes. Jon they can play. Stephen i know the president can play. Biden looks like hes got ball. And between the two of us, e. R. A greatth youre a great athlete, im not an athlete and jon thats correct one athlete . Stephen well be right back cheers and applause . So, mr. Harris, we have your fingerprints on the safe. So, what are we supposed to think . Switching to geico could save you a bunch of money on Car Insurance. Excellent point. Case dismissed. Geico. Because saving fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance woo because saving fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance is always a great answer. Moms got this cold. Hashtag stuffy nose. Hashtag no sleep. Hashtag mouthbreather. Just put on a breathe right strip. Se up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. Breathe right. Wow you look so cute and you are all welcome. Look at these old navy pajamas. Homemade hors doeuvres . Uh nobody cares. As i was saying, before my sister rudely interrupted, i dont know why im so disgustingly generous. By giving you guys luxurious pajamas from old navy. Awe thank you. I dont want to make you feel bad but i was like. You told me that the entire store was up to 60 off at old navy. New game truth or dare should i crawl around like a cat . . . . . . . . . cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody my first guest tonight is a golden globe winning actor, and he is damn funny. He now stars in Office Christmas party. Now, you can leave the santa suit in the at tick. Why . Because im an adult and dressing up as santa claus would be embarrassing. Hey, unless youre doing it for me down for five bucks, okay . Stephen please welcome Jason Bateman cheers and applause . They do that for every guest. They do that for every single guest. Stephen they do not. There is not a standing o for everybody. Hot seats. Stephen we had a little moment there. Very nice. For the hug. I saw it in your eyes. Im not going to run from it. Stephen a lot of people said i have very needy eyes. Theyre huggy eyes, to me. Stephen well, hey, Merry Christmas. Can we do Merry Christmas . Whats today . Stephen december something. The 25th . Stephen no. But were in advent. Were on our way. Were on the glide path to christmas right now. Youre promote ago movie called Office Christmas party. You brought the jingle bells with you. cheers and applause you got the Office Christmas party movie and managed to get a december release. That is key. Yeah. Stephen doesnt play as well in february. No, it doesnt. But, yeah, no, its a very good movie. Go see it. Got that out of the way. Stephen well get to it. Well get to it . Lets run a clip stephen do we have another clip . Theres a good one of me with santa claus. Stephen thats a really and i love it. You dont get b. S. On the show. Stephen i wont blow the Secondhand Smoke up your as. I like the firsthand up my as. Stephen really . I find the second hand is a little more filter, smoother. Sure. Stephen but the guy you swipe the card on the santa claus there, is that hi jinx or shenanigan. Shenanigan. Stephen does santa takeyo no, but good idea for the seek well. The mazel tov march. laughter stephen one of the things that christmas barters do you go to Christmas Parties, by the way, in your business . I have been. Theyre holiday parties out in los angeles. Stephen oh. You cant say christmas out there. Stephen Christmas Parties back east, my friend. Yeah. cheering i love this. Stephen were getting ready for the trump presidency. Its going to be Merry Christmas 365 days of the year. Always christmas in the trump presidency, my friend. applause do you guys have a holiday mixer here . Stephen do we call ate Christmas Party . We have a winter festival. But we have a Christmas Party a week from thursday. Youre going to get sued by somebody jewish. Stephen what . It needs to be a Holiday Party or else te Hanukkah Party. Oh, well, that sounds expensive to have two parties. I love my Holiday Party. Stephen do we have a Hanukkah Party . Im being told im lying. laughter okay, so, but they can cause trouble, holiday parties. Have you had trouble at a Holiday Party . There was a section of my life when i drank into a lot of i dont know if you guys have experienced with alcohol, but a lot of mistakes can happen. Stephen its the devils gatorade. laughter is it in you . Is that new tonight . Have you used that a before. Stephen no, never before. Were all going to take that into our lives. The devils gatorade. We have to give stephen credit for that stephen merry happy holidays. applause so ive lost my privileges. Stephen so you dont go to holiday parties . No, i just go and drink this water stuff. Stephen sure. Im actually much better at conversation that way, so i hear. Stephen you dont remember the next morning. I throw up a lot less on peoples jackets. Stephen thats nice. And, boy, a bunch of likely bad, dirty jokes come to mind. He said it, not me. I go to as many parties as i get invited to. Stephen do you want to come to our Christmas Party . Do you want to come to ours . A week from thursday. Do you want to come . Yes, please. Stephen well, great, we wont start the party till you get there, jason. Do you give a gift to your crew. Stephen i get everybody a gift yeah,. Are they good gifts, guys . Stephen are they good gifts . Yeah. Stephen wow. Wow i mean, its only year two of the show im ramping up im ramping up ive got to get way better gifts now ive got to go to target right now. Everybody gets a car . Im saying a nice card. Stephen oh, a nice card. That has jingle bells when you open it up, things like that . Guys, you would like that. And about to be five. Stephen christmas is perfect for you. Yeah. Stephen do you have holiday traditions with the youngens . Just trying to get them the right gift so i dont get any nonsense that i missed the mark. Stephen what do they want . You never know. Its a moving target with those two. Stephen do you do the letter to santa . We do the letter to santa. You dont have a lot of 10yearolds who watch the show, do you . Stephen i do. Ha 10yearold, so well, then ill ask you, are you aware of santa and his legitimacy . Stephen yes, i understand that there are forces of darkness in the world who question his legitimacy. Okay. applause stephen but yes, Jason Bateman, there is a santa claus, okay . cheers and applause there is . For a moment that you had to explain so, so santas got a good size on him, right . Santas famously stephen hes a hefty guy. Well, lets be kind. Hes warm. Travels in the north, got to keep it big is that yeah. So this notion that he comes down the chimney, right stephen yeah. Starts to kind of strain the laws of 10yearold. 9yearolds are going to buy that. 8yearolds are going to buy that. 10yearolds, if youve got them in a Decent School laughter theyre going to start to work with a look of betrayal when they look at their parents. Stephen we live in an apartment, lets say. At an apartment thats stephen comes through the ventilation. Thats how it works. Its a handshake with the doorman in the city here, right . Stephen oh, yeah, in the city, santa great deals the doormans hand, you know what i mean . He gives him a finner and he goes so out in los angeles, theres a whole bunch of chimney b. S. So frannie, whos the tenyearold, shes not dumb and shes starting to look at me like this is straining the limits of wh buy. So we got her a bike a couple of years ago, and i thought, well, for some reason, she might buy a big fat guy coming down the chimney, maybe he brings lubricant or whatever hes got to do laughter i dont know right . Hang on laughter stephen were almost out of time here, jason. I did mention cbs, right . I mentioned cbs at one point in this conversation. Chimney stephen i understand i understand. So we got her a bike and, you know, it does come with its own grease, but its still not going to come down the chimney. So what i did is put it outside because i figured she would call b. S. On that. So i put it outside. This doesnt have a very funny ending, so get ready. Stephen i heard this story. Its fantastic. I love how it ends. So i put it outside. I had to get fire wood for the with his lube job on it. laughter applause and im, like and i said, hey, theres a bike out here you clearly cant get a bike down a chimney, honey, so he left it out side. It