And stay human. And now live on tape from the ed ivsullan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey good to see ya cheers and applause have a seat thank you so much oh ladies and gentlemen, welcome cheering welcome to the late show. Im la la land. Sorry, im Stephen Colbert. laughter dear lordie, did you see that last night . That was the craziest ending to the oscars since it turned out helen mirren was kaiser soze. laughter for those of you who only watched the first three hours and twenty nine minutes of the ceremony, spoiler alert, picre. cheers and applause beautiful. But heres how Warren Beatty and faye dunaway announced the category. And the academy award. For best picture. Youre impossible. Come on la la land. cheers and applause audience reacts stephen that is so uncomfortable to watch when you know whats coming. Its like watching titanic, except titanic actually won best picture. cheers and applause piano riff yeah, i feel so bad for the la la land people and the poor moonlight people. It shouldve been a great moment for african americans, but theres always a catch. You know . laughter heres your oscar, but some white folks get to touch it first. laughter applause dropped it . Okay. laughter and to make matters worse, while they were up on stage, ryan gosling explained jazz to them. laughter did you see that movie . See that la la land movie . I saw it. Stephen do you understand jazz now . I get it now. Stephen you get it now. Okay. laughter now it wasnt Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaways fault. The accountant in the wings gave them an envelope showing the winner of the previous category best actress, emma stone for la la land. You had one job, Price Waterhouse coopers one job cheers and applause one thats it thats all they had to do jon yes. Stephen thank god they dont run an s. T. D. Clinic. laughter youre all clean, mr. Johnson. Have a nice day. No, im sorry, emma stone is clean, you have chlamydia. laughter legally, i can say Emile Ouamouno is all clean. I can legally say that. Speaking of heartbreaking mistakes, donald trump cheers and applause donald trump will address a joint session of Congress Tomorrow night. Well be doing a live show because, its the only thing that slows down my drinking. That joke is based on a true story. ht the president is going to say, but word is he will finally reveal his plan to replace obamacare, which he teased this morning. Were going to repeal and replace obamacare. And we have come up with a solution thats really, really, i think, very good. laughter now, i have to tell you, its an unbelievably complex subject. Nobody knew that health care could be so complicated. laughter audience reacts stephen some people knew. A few people knew. One or two. applause i could think of one guy tall, big smile, used to sit in your chair laughter its just you didnt know. Thats like if i performed open heart surgery tomorrow and said, wow, nobody knew it would b laughter now, to warm up for tomorrow night, trump gave a big speech on friday at cpac and went after anonymous leaks. Im against the people that make up stories and make up sources. They shouldnt be allowed to use sources unless they use somebodys name. Let their name be put out there. Let their name be put out. A source says that donald trump is a horrible, horrible human being. Let them say it to my face. Stephen sir cheers and applause it would be my honor to just walk over to your tv screen and let me just get right up and you, donald trump, are a horrible, horrible human being. cheers and applause piano riff come closer. Come closer. Oh, there you are. cheers and applause well clean this later. laughter meanwhile, White House Press secretary and bleached minion sean spicer launched his own war against leakers by holding random phone checks of white house staffers. Hes got to do something. He knows for a fact, theres one guy in the white house who keeps sending out unhinged tweets at 3 00 a. M. Its nuts. Hes got to find him. Pl apause so with all this going on, its no surprise that, on saturday, trump tweeted, i will not be attending the White House Correspondents Association dinner this year. Please wish everyone well and have a great evening thats disappointing, but its not his fault. That night, hes already scheduled to be at the kremlin Correspondents Dinner. laughter applause hes doublebooked. Nothing he can do. Darn it poor planning. But trump spokesperson and 35yearold who still hangs around the Sorority House sarah huckabee, offered up a convincing analogy to explain why trump would skip the event. I think its kind of naive of us to think that we can all walk into a room for a couple of hours and pretend that some of that tension isnt there. You know, one of the things we say in the south, if a girl scout egged your house, would bu laughter stephen yeah, i would. Though, im from the south, and thats an expression we use all the time. Jon right, right. Stephen down south, the girl scouts are horrible, horrible people. They will murder you. But i do love the thin mints. laughter too bad trumps not going to go because im sure he would have given a hilarious speech. Can you imagine . You dont have to. Jim . And now, delivering his 2017 white house Correspondents Dinner address, please welcome to the podium President Donald Trump thank you. Thank you. Great crowd. If you like enemies of the american people. drum snap nothing, new okay. Any latinos in the audience tonight . Give it a minute, youre being arrested. Because i like getting rid of latinos. You suck i dont suck. You know who that is . Knock, knock, whos there . Fake. Fake who . Fake news. This guy knows who im talking about. laughter look hes not wearing any pants okay, its happening again no its okay, donny its just a dream youre not even going to the white house Correspondents Dinner this year. They cant hurt you here. Hey, look he wet the bed huh . What . Noooooo laughter cheers and applause stephen we have a great show for your tonight. Connie brittonhe friend. cheers and applause i am, um, very sorry. And were gonna get the phone his phone, uh out of you. As soon as [ringtone] [ringtone] i have to, i have to take this. Just a little pinch. Sweetheart, i left my phone insi [inaudible muffled voice] im having phone. Issues. Bye uh, were gonna fix this, needless to say. [voiceactivated doubletone] okay. Resuming play. Oh mickey what a pity you dont understand snickers® satisfies. Pay stubs and Bank Statements to refinance your home. W2s, or you could push that button. 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Tampax pearl power over periods. cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody say hi to jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause come on you know, folks, ladies and gentlemen, a little earlier in the show, standing over there, i was talking to you about Donald Trumps hostile relationship with the media. It hit a new low friday when at an informing press sean spicer banned reporters from cnn, the new york times, politico, the Los Angeles Times and buzzfeed. audience reacts stephen its upsetting, but you have to understand, buzzfeed was excluded because spicer didnt like the answer he got for which gilmore girl are you. laughter such a lorelei and this came only a few hours after trump said this i love the first amendment. Nobody knows loves it better than me. Stephen yeah. Its like they say if you love the first amendment, set it free. If it comes back, dont let it in the press briefing. And the root of all this is that trump calls any story he doesnt like fake news. cheers and applause i mean, the whole thing is just just cheers and applause stephen hey its jon stewart, everybody cheers and applause hey jon, great to see you. Nice to see you as well. How did you get under my desk . I had a tunnel built straight from the farm. Stephen you came here from the farm . Right from the farm. Stephen you do your farming in makeup and a tie . I like to look nice. laughter stephen john hmm . Stephen you miss it, dont you . Yes, i miss it cheers and applause i spend the whole day yelling about trump to the animals. laughter we have a barn spider, dont know the name, w a job into a web stephen jon, if you need to get away from the farm, youre always welcome here. We have a chair right here. There you go. Oh, this is nice cheers and applause i like this. Its a little tight. A lilt tight. Stephen yes, it is. So, jon. Jon, what do you think about trump banning the Mainstream Media from that briefing and him not going to the Correspondents Dinner . I cant believe the guys got the balls to get away with that. Trump lies more in one press conference than cnn does in a year, and thats coming from a guy who hates cnn. laughter look at this. Got 306 Electoral College votes. I guess it was the biggest Electoral College win since you guess wrong laughter it was smaller than both of Barack Obamas wins and bill clinton and george h. W. Bush. Its the biggest win since reagan if you dont count everyone since reagan. But what about this . The murder rate in our country is the highest it has been in 47 years. Did you know that . 47 years. Id say that in a speech and everybody was surprised because the press doesnt tell it like it is. No. They were surprised because its not true its near the lowest its been in 45 years. cheers and applause and then this one is my favorite. Youve got to see this one. Bomb threats have been made against Jewish Centers all across the country in the last couple of weeks. There are people who are committing antisemitic acts or threatening to you see, he said he was going to ask a very simple easy question. And its not. Its not. Not a simple question, not a fair question. Ay i understand the rest of your question. So heres the story folks, number one, i am the least antisemitic person youve ever seen in your entire life. laughter i dont think thats true laughter applause he said that to a guy wearing a yamaka donald, youre not even the least antisemitic person in that clip we showed stephen jon, the president exaggerates, but you cant possibly know hes lying on purpose. Stephen, you can stephen how . Because he constantly says the phrase believe nobody says believe me unless theyre lying. cheers and applause stephen can you migh give mn example . Honey, i was just helping stacy test out her perfect sleep number, believe me. What . No, its just a giant wooden horse. Believe me. What . Democrats in disarray . No, they have a plan. Believe me. cheers and applause stephen cmon, he doesnt say believe me that often. Roll 212. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me ok, believe me. Believe me. Believe me folks. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me, believe me. Buhlieve me. Buhbull bleep . laughter applause buhbull bleep . Stephen so you agree with me that banning the press is unamerican . Aw, its unamerican not to like us i say, stop your whining. Id like to talk to the media for a second. Stephen sure, go ahead. Which camera goes to the media. Stephen that one. laughter hey, media. I heard donald broke up with you. Stings a little. You finally thought youd met your perfect match. A blabbermouth whos as thinskinned and narcissistic as you are. audience reacts laughter now its over well, good riddance. I say kick him to the curb. cheers and applause piano riff its time for you to get your groove back, media. Because, you know, you kind of let yourself go a little bit these past few years. You put on a few pundits. Obsessing, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, about this one guy. Whats donny up to . Did he say anything about us . You think hes gonna come on . Do you think he likes us . He doesnt even have to come himself. He can just call in donny, please just let us know youre okay laughter and the whole time youre all chasing after him, the rest of us are thinking, but cant you see hes an bleep . laughter no, you try to defend him oh, no, no, thats just primaries donald. Thats just election donald. Youll see. We can change him hell get president ial yeah, howd that work out . It didnt. You know why . Because 70yearold men dont get less cranky or racist as time goes by cheers and applause unless they happen to be visited by three spirits in the night. laughter look, media, im not saying the break up is going to be easy. Youre going to see your ex swiping far right with every tom, drudge, and breitbart. And they do bleep . Er audience reacts stephen jon, were on cbs. In my defense, they do bleep did i get us canceled . Stephen us . laughter cheers and applause but heres my point, media this breakup has given you an amazing opportunity for selfreflection and improvement. Instead of worrying about whether trump is unamerican or if he thinks youre the enemy or if hes being mean to you or if hes going to let you back in the briefings, do something for yourself. Take up a hobby. I recommend journalism. laughter applause i think this breakup is going to be the best thing that ever happened to you. 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And from nashville, where she died in last weeks episode sorry, spoiler alert please welcome the very lovely connie britton. band playing cheers and applause its so cold in here my fingers have already shrunk two sizes. Stephen and your rings are falling off . Yes. Stephen nice to see you again. Last time we saw each other, we were at the president s 55t 55th birthday party. And not trump. Stephen not trump. Different president , yall. Stephen might be a few years before i get invited back to that place. I feel the same. Stephen nice house. Beautiful house. Stephen yeah. I wonder what hes done with it . Stephen just photos of himself and gold leaf everywhere. So much gold leaf. Stephen this is a big interview for me because this is your first public appearance since your character renna james died last week. audience reacts i know. Its my first public appearance since then, too, and its my first time on your show cheers and applause so its weird for me because im dead, but im here. Dews what im saying . Stephen right. How long did you play reno . Five years. Stephen your fans are ardent, passionate fans. They kept that show on the air. This is an amazing crowd, by the way. cheers and applause nashville fans are of this caliber. Stephen do you have any comforting news for your fans . Lets try to make the morning paper. Is your character really dead or does she come back as an evil twin with a goatee, or are zombies hot right now . These are great ideas. Youre so smart. Stephen is she really dead . Shes really dead. Stephen oh, gosh. Im sorry stephen yeah. Hes really dead, but i think the twin sister idpa is not bad. Stephen mmhmm. You know, its nashville. Anything could happen. What if the long, lost twin sister comes back . Oh, and shes such a devil shell come back and be horrible stephen do you have any words for your fans . I would say to my fans, first of all, i love you so much, this show loves you so much and that, you know, rena forever. You know, i feel so fortunate i was able to play that character, truly, with all my heart, i love that character so much. Just like when we lose somebody in our lives, the spirit lives on. Stephen and reruns. And reruns. applause and theres reruns. Stephen i was pretty excited to find out about this. Can i show this photo here . When you were a younger woman how dare you. Stephen you were roommates with senator Kristin Gillibrand right there. Thats the two of you. Looks like a couple of fun girls to run into when youre backpacking around. We werent only backpacking around, we were in beijing, china. Stephen what year are we talking about here . How dare you. laughter that is rude stephen 2007. 2007,