Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes jim parsons. Jeff garlin. And paul scheer. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey stephen oh whats up . Thank you very much oh, what a lovely audience. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome t im your host,te cheers and applause still . Am i still the host . Im still the host cheers and applause now, folks, if you saw my monologue monday, you know that i was a little upset with donald trump for insulting a friend of mine. So at the end of that monologue i had a few choice insults for the president in return. I dont regret that. cheers and applause i believe he can take care of himself. I have jokes. He has the launch codes. So its a fair fight. So while i would do it again, i would change a few words that were cruder than they needed to be. Now, im not going to repeat the phrase, but i just want to say, for the record, life is short, and anyone who expresses their love for another person their own way is, to me, an american hero. And i think we can all agree on that. I hope even the president and i can agree on that. Nothing else, but that. And for once, for once, the big story today is not donald trump. Its why we have donald trump james comey. The fbi director spent the whole day testifying before the senate. You guys remember just before the election comey announced the f. B. I. Was reopening the investigation into hillarys emails . Hillary remembers, too. And yesterday, she proved it. I was on the way to winning until the combination of jim comeys letter on october 28 and russian wikileaks raised doubts in the minds of people who were inclined to vote for me. You know, if the election had been on october 27, id be your president. Stephen yes, shed be our president. And instead of half the country depressed and the other half gloating, wed have half the country gloating and the other half depressed. Totally different. Now, in his testimony today. He was in testimony all day. He had the ezpass. Comey explained that he understood the impact of his actions. I have lived my entire career by the tradition if you can possibly avoid it, you avoid any action in the runup to an election that might have an impact, whether its a dog catcher election or president of the united states. Stephen he should have stuck with dog catcher. Because we know they dont grab pussies. cheers and applause cat. Cat. Cat. Coldblooded stephen what do you what do you . Now, comey explained his agonizing decision on secretary clintons emails. But i sat there that morning, and i could not see a door i could see two doors, and they were both actions. One was labelled speak. The other was labelled conceal. Stephen wait, so it was like one of those restaurants that tries to be too clever with the bathroom signs. Lets see, speak or conceal. Men speak, but women do also. Women wear concealer, but men conceal their feelings. Oh, i give up. Ill just pee in the raw bar. laughter now, to comey, to comey, there was no good option. So i stared at speak and conceal. Speak would be really bad. Theres an election in 11 days. Lordy, that would be really bad. Concealing, in my view, would be catastrophic. Stephen lordy laughter lordy, lordy. So he had to choose between really bad and catastrophic, the same things the voters had to choose between. cheers and applause hey yay yay no good choices and he made the decision to reveal the investigation, even though he didnt really want to interfere in the process. This was terrible. It makes me mildly nauseous to think that we might have had impact on the election. Stephen mildy nauseous laughter maybe its morning sickness. After all, you did screw the whole country. cheers and applause now, revealing applause take your folic acid. Take your folic acid. Now, revealing the investigation was a tough call, but comey says he stands by it. But, honestly, it wouldnt change the decision. Everybody who disagrees with me has to come back to october 28 with me. Stephen can i go . Can i go i just want i just want to feel again laughter but in the end, in the end, he has no reg the honest answer is no. I have asked myself that a million times because, lordy, this has been painful. Stephen yes, james, it has been painful. But i guess the lordy works in mysterious ways. Lordy. Now another guy i feel for him a little bit. I feel for him a little bit. Jon year feeling it. Stephen another guy whos taking questions in washington today was press secretary and dad baicial holding it together in the six flags gift shop, sean spiers. Strangely, he took questions today. Strangely, yesterday, he didnt take any questions. He watched Mick Mulvaney speak about budget negotiations and then just bolted. Sean sean sean come on, sean stephen sean, i know its called a briefing, b was the briefest. Youve got to stay. Youre the press secretary. Americas tuning in to the spicer power hour. You cant put up o. M. B. Director Mick Mulvaney. That guys clearly just an opening act. It says right here on your tour poster. Sean spicer, featuring the Mick Mulvaney experience. Youre the headliner. All seats reserved. The guy can jump. The guy can jump. Got legs. Now that audience there, the press, they were screaming for an encore so spicer would come out and play the hits play laughter play largest inauguration crowd in history wooo cheers and applause play ill have to get back to you on that cheers and applause mispronounce something wooo cheers and applause pocket. That is super hot right now. There you go. Boom lets see, donald trump this is news with him. Donald trump is still trying to repeal and replace obamacare. Audience boo he doesnt have the votes. He doesnt have the votes. But, then again, thats how he got elected. We still dont know, still dont know whats going to happen. But Republican Leadership in the house is trying to rally the troops. Take House Majority leader an High School Senior voted saddest eyes. He pleaded with his fellow republicans to pass the bill, saying, now is not the time to decide what to do or how to do it. Now is the time to do it. Yes, act now and ask questions later, like what did we just do . And, why the hell did we do that . The current hangup is that, opt out of protecting people with preexisting conditions. And a lot of moderate republicans dont like that. But North Carolina representative and norwegian man pretending he understands english, Robert Pittenger has a solution. Pettinger explains that if you have a preexisting condition that your state wont cover, people can go to the state they want to live in. Hey, kids, dads got pancreatitis. Road trip and this is going to be a real boon for state tourism. Look forward to signs like virginia is for livers. I heart transplant new york. And come get an alabamputation and, of course, floridas new slogan, we have painkillers. Wait, are you a cop . laughter tonight including puppies puppies. But when we return, ill sit down with jim parsons. Stick around when youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. Do not use if you are allergic to taltz. Before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. Taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. 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So we dont have to wad to get clean. Mmm, cushiony. And we can use less. Gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. Remember, thats charmin in there. No wasteful wadding we all go. Why not enjoy the go with charmin. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. Right there right there how are you, my friend . Cheers cheers and applause oh, lord. Lordy, lordy. Lordy lordy, what a crowd welcome back, everybody. From the Big Bang Theory, please welcome jim parsons. Stephen when you have the biggest show in the world, thats what happens. Everybody stands in when you come on. So you werent fired. Stephen no, i wasnt, i wasnt. Unless you know something i dont. No, although we both work for the same network, but no one is calling me, either. Stephen i had to cut my phone calls at this point. Did you . Are you feeling homophobic . Stephen no, actually, im feeling homofeelic. I thought that was a very strange tag to put on the whole monologue. You taught me new terms. I mean, as a gay man, i didnt know certain things that you taught thats it was titalating. I wouldnt call it homophobic. Stephen youre welcome. Thatst stephen the Big Bang Theory, 10 years. 10 years. A decade. Stephen a decade. As the kids call it. A decade. How long how long did you do Comedy Central . Stephen Comedy Central 20 years, but bleep 10 years. Well, i worked for you were with jon. Stephen daily show. But almost 10 years on the old gig doing that character. Did it fly by for you . Stephen it really did. Unless i look at photos laughter . I was just talking about that with a friend today. Its true. You get a lot of people who are very sweet, and they mean it. They go, you look the same as you did. I get where youre coming from, but if if youre me and you live with this face in the mirror every day, and you see a season one episode, youre like there are things happening. Ooik like, what happened to my face . Why do we have to deteriorate i love getting old, but why do we have to start falling apart . Why is that part of the deal . Stephen im hoping like crisper and stem me back into a tween. Very good point. Stephen but you wouldnt be, like, young again, would you . No. Stephen its terrible. No, theres nothing about youth they misin that way, except for the physical bounceback. Like, you cant not that you should you cant drink like you used to. Stephen oh, hell no. Nothing like that. Stephen i cant go out on a school night. Me, either stephen no. Im in bed by 8 00 reading. Thats my plan. I stick to it thats my plan. Stephen you have the strength to read. Well. Get a good 10 pages in and then i go back to candy crush to numb myself out and then i asleep. Stephen now, in 10 years you could get a masters and doctorate in physics in that period of time. Uhhuh. Stephen have you incidentally learned physics by playing sheldon . You act like youve never met me, no no stephen i met you once. I met you backstage. We met at a party. We discussed this. It was very unmemorable. You were very sober. You just dont much of anything. Stephen not even incidentally . I mean, nothing i can name off the top of my head, no. Stephen thats impressive in its own right. Is it. Stephen that nothing sticks to you . Well, i think its the result of excellent writing. Like the comic rhythms and the beats and the whatever. Thats so prominent, that all that bleep with science just stephen was that your writer character. That was my writer character. Stephen the beats and whatever. That was my writer. I dont know what thats about. I just think you have to memorize like that and then its over. I dont know. I shiver every time they put a whiteboard near me. You have to write the last part of the equation. I said, then you mean a plus or minus sign because i can cannot give you a over b of an x. Shut up stephen is there anything you wanted to be other than an actor . Obviously not a physicist. Was there anything ultimated to be . Actually, the closest that was scientificisk, iatoid with being a meteorologist. S yeah, it was. I do think, though i was partly fascinated by weather, but i was partly i knew that i wanted to perform. And i thought well i could, you know, i could sort of be sort of in science and then actually be on tv, really. Stephen well, the weatherman is usually the funny guy in the local news crew. They certainly try, yes. Stephen yeah, yeah. Did you have a weatherman name, like no, but whats funny is and i didnt know this at the time i was young at the time. But the more i go on. Why do they have those borderline porn star names. Stephen smoky wonder. Yes, we in l. A. , dallas rains. Stephen sure. Johnny mountain. Which sounds weatherific. But its a mountain. Its not really weather. Its not johnny cloud or something. Stephen hes not a geologist. Exactly so, no, i never had one. Jimmy jimmy uh. Pellet . No. Hail. Stephen hail pellet, i like. Hi, everyone sprinkles thats good. Sprinkles parsons. See, no, now were into drag. Its gone beyond porn. applause . Stephen sprinkles . Sprinkles parsons. Stephen now, youre from houston, if im not mistaken. I applause . Oh really i mean, its a big city. Stephen you dont have much of an accent left. Weeel. Well, two things. Number one, they beat it out of you in school if youre in the actingtraining stuff. Stephen i am from South Carolina and mine was surgically removed. I had mine removed by cesarean. Thats why its so pretty. That coneshaped head. Stephen i can still wear a bikini. Exactly youve got a pretty accent. What the hell were we talking about . Stephen youre from houston. Well, i do think that i to, how much alcohols involved, you know. Stephen sure. Its the my mother my family, they speak they all have texas accents yall. I still say yall. I never left an audition without saying, thank you, yall. Its a reflex. That correct, yall. Stephen yeah. I got jobs. laughter . Stephen i dont like that yall. Were not casting him. You also have a new sirius radio program. Its called jim parsons is too stupid for politics. What do you mean . You seem like an intelligent person. My international intent was to call it, jim parsons is too stupid to vote. And he went back and forth. It was kind of my point, theres always an election coming up, a midterm or whatever. The only thing i really cared about was getting the stupid in there. Look, it was this i really do feel like t more to know about every single issue, other than irate, passion, anger, sadness, glee. And and in many ways applause thank you. And in many ways, you know, i as somebody who have found myself in a liberal camp a lot of the time, voting for democrats most of the time, i really think theres a way to for me to hear about an issue and one of these days im going to hear about one and go, if i dont know what side its on, and i just hear it, im going to go, i just found out i have a conservative point of view. I grew up in texas. Im a traditional kind of person. I i what im saying is im kind of cutting my time here. I watch morning joe i listen to laura inggram. Ill listen to we have a consensussative station on our radio in l. A. And i really im just trying to let that stephen it doesnt at all. Okay. I want to hear the reason behind everything else. applause . Oh, its actually. S your sfx short balloon squeal its ver. Sfx balloon squeals ok can we. Sfx balloon squeals im being so serious right now. I really want to know how your coffee is. Its. Sfx balloon squeals hahahaha, i had a 2nd balloon goodbye oof, that milk in your coffee was messing with you, wasnt it . Yeah. Happens to more people than you think. Try lactaid, its real milk, without that annoying lactose. Mmm. Good right . Yeah. Lactaid. Its the milk that doesnt mess with you. Chevythree years in a row. Car company really. Lets see how quickly you can read through all their awards. Book 2016 best resale value. U. S. News best cars for the money 10 best blah blah blah only about 90 more to go 2017 iihs. Top safety. 2017 north american car of the year thats a lot of awards get 20 below msrp on all malibu lt models. Thats 5,200 on this chevy malibu. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Someday youll let me put my way ycomb up there air til then youre beautiful and i just stare sometimes you capture the moment, experience moe as a member. The marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries, so no matter where you go, you are here. Well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . applause . Stephen hey, everybody. Back back to the late show. Longtime viewers of this program know from time to time we do a segment on the show where we tell lies about little puppies to encourage people to adopt them. To make them even more attractive than they ordinarily are. So its time for another edition of rescue dog rescue welcome to rescue dog rescue genetic to rescue dog rescue. A reminder all the puppies we have here tonight are actual adoptable dogs from north Shore Animal League america. Jim, are you ready to lie about some puppies to find them good homes . No, i am not laughter stephen oh, i get it. Youre already lying. Is that it . Yes laughter stephen thank you . Lets begin. This little guy right here. This is max. Max had the idea for uber way before anyone else, but he couldnt get the liquid capital together to make it happen. He doesnt think Travis Kalanick stole the idea, though, because he recognizes that parallel thinking is a real phenomenon. Even still, hes assembling a team of vicious lawyers. There you go penny this is penny. Penny, look at the camera. Penny is a dachshund min pin, and also a fashionista. And, surprisingly, she swears that cargo pants are coming back. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but they are coming back. applause stephen this little fella is not only is leo adornable, but he and your grandpa fought together in the war. Gee doesnt like to talk about it, but his silence speaks volume he doesnt