cheers and applause its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman. Aaron taylor johnson. Dave matthews. And a performance by Dave Matthews and tim reynolds. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey hey cheers and applause jon i like that stephen good to see you cheers and applause hey thank you, everybody. Thank you, so welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause thank you. I feel the same way about you. Well i have i have gone through a lot of thoughts today. Its been a historic day. We have reached a milestone as a nation. Its not just that the president fired the head of the f. B. I. Okay. No, heres the milestone we have apparently elected a president who truly does not care what anything looks like. Which is surprising fair guy whose actual face weve never seen. laughter now no idea. Jon man, man. Nope. Stephen firing jim comey, head of the f. B. I. , really feels like authoritarianism 101. Which, by the way, a very difficult class. The professor is a total nazi. cheers and applause yeah, so strict. So strict. cheers and applause jon tough guy. Stephen the question is, why did t now, while it looks like donald trump fired james comey to stop the russia investigation. That is why. laughter because im pretty confident. Because one thing weve learned from the last two years of donald trump is that what it seems like hes doing is exactly what hes doing. laughter theres no grand strategy. cheers and applause hes not hes not hes not some puppet master. Jon right. Stephen hes not some wizard playing threedimensional chess. Hes playing hungry hungry hippos. Hes just slapping till he gets all the marbles. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine theres nothing deeper going on. Hes a baby pool. You could not get your ankles wet in donald trump. Now, the word is, trump has been planning to fire comey for at least a week, right . And he evidently asat with reasons to fire him. So thats yet department of justice is now the department of justification. Apparently over at d. O. J. applause over at d. O. J. , apparently, that job fell to Deputy Attorney general and man staring at you from the produce section, rod rosenstein. laughter hi. Hey, the names rod. laughter yes. Recently divorced. Hi. laughter and the best reason rosenstein could come up with was, i cannot defend the directors handling of the conclusion of the investigation of secretary clintons emails. Okay, so theyre claiming trump fired comey for how he treated hillary clinton. That doesnt make sense. We all remember his rallies when the crowds chanted, treat her fairly treat her fairly and that would certainly explain trumps new tshirt. Very big of him. Very generous. Very big of him. Now, everybody was shocked by this. Especially the shockee, because comey found out he was fired during a meeting when a television in the background flashed the news. Well, thats certainly on brand because firing people on tv is trumps qualification for being president. cheers and applause now at first at first comey and this is true did not take the news seriously, reportedly saying he thought it was a fairly funny prierchg. James comey, you didnt just get pranked. You got. Trumpd. What what trumpd cheers and applause jon the hat touch. Stephen, of course, that wasnt the end of it. Donald trump eventually did send a letter while i greatly appreciate you informing me on three separate occasions, that i am not under investigation, i nevertheless concur with the judgment of the department of justice that you are not able to effectively lead the bureau. Did you catch that . Hes saying this is not about the russia investigation in a letter firing comey for the russia investigation. That is clever. That is like carving your alibi on the murder weapon. Hold on one second not donnys gun. I think the maid did it. Sad laughter build the wall. cheers and applause so comey has been fired, or as fox news put it, james comey resigns. Easy mistake. Jon resigned . Stephen obviously, fog of war. Its easy to get things wrong on a breaking story. I mean, who can forget the new york heralds, lincoln commits suicide. But too soon. Despite commies firing, maine senator susan colins is certainty russian investigations will continue. Well, the president didnt fire the entire f. B. I. Stephen dont give him any ideas dummy i could do that. Could i do that . Tell them to turn their tvs on. But this investigation is not going to go away quietly. Comeys firing is historically unprecedenteprecedented with one exception. Some are comparing combs firing to president saturday night massacre. He wanted Archibald Cox fired. Reminiscent of watergate. Echoes of watergate. The whole echo of watergate is very strong here. Stephen yes, listen closely, children, and you can hear the echo of watergate. I am not a crookoookoook. Thats my nixon. Thank you very much. cheers and applause but ill tell you what, ill tell you who does not buy the nixon comparison. The nixon listen. Yesterday they tweeted, fun fact president nixon never fired the director of the fbi. laughter applause that is fun. Yeah. Fun fact thats the nixon librarys only fun fact laughter thst hey, you know who else was shocked . Donald trump. Because both sides of the aisle have been mad at comey over the years, white house officials believed comeys firing would be a winwin. Why would trump think this is winwin . Even his election was losewin. Now, president knows bought he didnt get the majority vote. There will be flash cards later, footnotes, everything. The entire monologue is online thth links. Ese prident knows, eventually, all his critics will come around, tweeting, comey lost the confidence of almost everyone in washington, republican and democrat alike. When things calm down, they will be thanking me all right, how should we thank him . How should we thank him . We should get him something special. How about a special prosecutor cheers and applause now wrap it up, a little bow. A little cheers and applause now, as usual, as usual, trumps spokespeople scrambled to clean up the mess. They even rehydrated Kellyanne Conway moisture. Leave her in a dish for about halfap hour. Like those dinosaur sponges. So she could go talk to a disbelieving anderson cooper. Watch his eyes. Youre comparing two things that dont belong together. Thanks for the trip down memory lane. I was on your show often last fall saying how we were going to win michigan and how we were going to do it. So that was fun. laughter applause stephen did you catch that . He couldnt possibly shor im being told he can i was on your show often last fall, saying we were going to win michigan and saying how we could do it. So that was fun. Heres what happened today, today, not in the campaign, in the white house. Its just its a confluence of events. What mr. Rosenstein says is so important. He says, the f. B. I. s reputation and credibility have suffered substantial damage. I cannot defend the directors handling of the conclusion of the investigation of secretary clintons emails. The f. B. I. Director is never empowered to supplant federal prosecutors and pursue command of the Justice Department. We do not hold press conferences to release derogatory information about an investigation. He also says. cheers and applause stephen thank you, anderson. Hes a good man. Good man. , of course, no trump catastrophe would bepl secretary and original boss baby, sean spicer. Last night, spicer was heading into his office but couldnt get there without running into a throng of reporters, so he hid in the bushes to avoid answering their questions. laughter laughter applause cheers are they still out there . Hey, i found reince priebuss frisbee laughter get it so why did this really happen . Evidently, trump got angry that the russia investigation wouldnt disappear. Not only wot russia investigation not disappear. Just a few days ago, comey reportedly asked the Justice Department for a significant increase in money and personnel for the bureaus oooh, i love a good mystery. In this case, nancy drew and the case of the blatantly obvious motive. Laugh weve got a great show for you tonight. When i come back, ill talk to comedy power couple Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally stick around applause i was out here smoking instead of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why needs a great how. Every great why we, the device loving people want more than just unlimited data. We want unlimited entertainment. So we can stream unlimited action. Watch unlimited robots. Watch unlimited romance. If you are into that. But we also want more like. Its unlimited. Besides you are really good at it james. Dont settle for any unlimited data plan. Only the at t unlimited plus plan comes with hbo included at no extra charge. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. Opening night jitters. We take a deep breath and stand together. Courage. We have a fragrance for that. Glade® sc johnson we asked people to write down the things they love to do most on these balloons. Travel with my daughter. Roller derby. Now give up half of em. Do i have to . This is a tough financial choice we could face when we retire. But, if we start saving even just 1 more of our annual income. We could keep doing all the things we love. cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human right over there, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause . Jon wooo stephen a great group of people. Jon its a great group of people. Stephen and they deserve a great show. I had so much fun did you guys see the show last night, the daily show we had jon stewart, john oliver, sam bee, ed helms, rob corddry. Which is great, sitting around like we all used to sit around back at the old days at the old gig. The thing is, we couldnt fit all of it on the show last night because we did a sitdown with all six of us. And that actually went for 32 minutes . Something like that. And we got, like, 12 of it on the air. But you can go online. You can go on to cbsallaccess tonight. Its all 32 minutes. Its uncensored, and its the entire 32 minutes without a break, right . Ive watched it twice. laughter and i know what im saying. Its so great. Check it out. Check it out. Really special. I dont think youll ever see that again. Ladies and gentlemen, im pretty excited about this, too. You know my first guests from parks and recreation and will grace. They know each other as husband and wife. Please welcome Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally applause cheers we have the table you made for me. Its quite beautiful. Its holding up. Stephen and we got the coasters that you made for me the last time. And i made this mug. Stephen uhhuh. Does he is it nice having the handy man around. Can i see one of those real quick . Stephen sure. laughter stephen im sorry. Im sorry. Yes. cheers and applause i apologize. I apologize. Were not animals. Were not animals. Is it nice having a handy man who makes things. Has he made you, like, anything special . Um, hes very good with his hands. laughter stephen and how is he with his wood . laughter excellent. Stephen excellent. Has he crafted you anything nice . Like is it sort of like a kid making a macaroni frame for his mom. Hes made me many macaroni frames which come in handy. He has mae as a matter of fact, the box that the Engagement Ring was in when he proposed to me was handcashed and it was heartshaped in kind of 3d, and i opened it up and there was the ring. Pretty good. Stephen pretty sexy. Yeah. Stephen did you know he made it . Did he say, i made this . Well, yeah, i assumed. Stephen did you make it . I did make it. Stephen i just wanted to confirm. I just wanted to confirm. That would be crazy if it finally came out that he did not make it. Stephen he just went to jared. laughter . Stephen you you have a new project going on. You have a new wood project going on over there. Besides the table, you have something in your pocket. We do, thank you. Stephen i assume its not a murder weapon. Y brought you a couple of these stephen what theyre the Offerman Wood shop mothers and fathers day card. Its about an eighth inch, maybe 5 64 of american cherry. Cherry. Its the most charismatic of the domestic hardwoods. And the closest to red, the color of love. laughter . Stephen thats really nice. Now where can people get these . Offermanwoodshop. Com. You can get tables and coasters and cards. Stephen mao mothers day is this sunday. Indeed. Stephen so is there time to get this for mothers day . Do you do express shipping . I imagine if you order right now. laughter stephen it wont get there in time. We can guarantee it by next wednesday. Stephen good. And youll find out how much your mother actually loves you by sending a card late. You guys are relationship goals. You are very open about your love for each other and your sexual love for each other. And you have a show youre launching again this summer. Its called summer of 69 no apostrophe. Okay. lauger stephen now, how how how sexy does the show get . Well, if you like live sex acts. Stephen i live in new york. laughter do you guys have a do you have a power couple name . You are a celebrity power couple and you have to have one you have to have a brangelina. Filliam h. Must haveman. We want one. Stephen we have a couple of options. See if this works out. How did you guys meet, by the way . We met doing a play in the year 2000. laughter . Stephen it sounds like you met in the future, but it was 17 years ago. I realized that so what was the play . What was the play . Were you immediately attracted to each other . No. We met i was it was after the Second Season of will grace. Stephen so you were faims at this point. Youre famous. I dont know. But he wasvi sleeping on a couch in someones basement, so great catch. laughter and we both were in the play. And we were kind of, like, screwing around doing bits between scenes. And started thinking that he was really funny, and we were becoming friends. And then one day i thought, wait a minute. Is he sexy . And laughter i stephen how do you verify that . Yeah. Im still working on it. laughter not really. I can take it . Hes very sexy. So then, i didnt want to get involved with anybody, but he did. Stephen especially somebody you work with. Especially somebody i was working with. But he was very, very persistent. He has a great work ethic. laughter stephen and he was working it. And he was workin it. And it paid off. I plied my troaght. Stephen oh, you p troaght. I really do need a glossary for this interview. Ii want to take the s. A. T. S right after this conversation. In the show you reveal a lot of personal things about yourself. Any particular personal stories that you could share with the audience they could tell without bleepg on the show . Well, you could i mean, i know you can say this word on television, but i wrote a song in the show where we reveal a lot of trivia about ourselves that nobody knows. And one of the things is that nick once had poison ivy on his poison oak on his penis. So. laughter . Stephen uhhuh. And, nick, how did that come about . Well. Stephen thereby hangs a tale. Funny you should ask. Stephen well find out. I i like walking and hiking and running in the woods. And there was a trail. laughter and there was a beautiful poison oak tree with with an orif ground. I i must have brushed against some poison oak and inadvertently got the oil in my hands and took a leak in the woods. Stephen and theres a song about this. Theres a song. Its much better in g. Yeah. But the the end piece to this tale is that just two not two months ago, we were in the same place, and he took a hike again on the same trail. Poison oak. laughter . Stephen everywhere . I cant get enough of it. Hes very consistent. Stephen keep it in your pantsz, my friend. I kept it below midthigh this time. Yeah, just barely. Stephen well, guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you, again for the wood products. My pleasure. Stephen whats our celebrity name. Stephen wisconsi celebrity name . Oh, bleep i didnt do that. We have twoings ons for you. Two options. We have negan awfulman. Again, its a portmento. Or mcmulifeman. I think its mcmulliferman summer of 69 no apostrophe premieres next friday on epix. Megan mullally and Nick Offerman. Well be right back with Aaron Taylorjohnson. Thank you soich. And diarrhea. I tried Lifestyle Changes and overthecounter treatments, but my symptoms keep coming back. It turns out i have Irritable Bowel Syndrome with diarrhea, or ibsd. A condition thats really frustrating. Thats why i talked to my doctor about viberzi. A different way to treat ibsd. 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