Tonight . Any hermanians . [ laughter ] i tell you, its good to be back. I was off last week. Officially i was off because my son billy was supposed to have a heart surgery but we had to postpone it because we all had colds in the house. And they cant do truth i was waiting in line for the new iphone all week. [ laughter ] then i spent the weekend trying to figure out how to type the letter i in my phone without a weird symbol and the letter a popping up all the time. [ laughter ] are you having that . Anyway, my son is doing fine. I want to thank everyone who filled in for me. [ cheers and applause ] some list of guest hosts last week, jennifer lawrence, channing tatum, dave grohl, shaquille oneal, i want to thank shaq twice because hes enormous. [ laughter ] gas weird sitting at home watching other people host the show. And you guillermo, you cheated on me. [ laughter ] guillermo sorry, jimmy, wont happen again. Jimmy good to have time at home with the kids, but there is such a thing as too much time at home with the kids. Last night at 6 00 p. M. I reach that limit. My daughter jane refuses to eat anything. Shes 3 years old. Its hollywood. Shes concerned about her weight. [ laughter ] that was a joke. Dont tweet me about it. But anyway. She doesnt like to eat and she doesnt like to sleep. Which are two of the four basic things you need to do to stay alive. All she will eat is rice, beans, Peanut Butter and pasta and candy, cake, cereal and cookies. Yesterday my wife promised her they would make Chocolate Chip Cookies together for dessert while i was making risotto for dinner. If you dont know, risotto is rice that takes the whole day to make. [ laughter ] youre toasting and reducing and stirring. By the way, when its done, not that much better than regular rice really. [ laughter ] but rice is one of very few things that we will all eat as a family. I cooked for hours. When i was done i put it in a bowl and she wouldnt eat it. I tried everything. I told her it was pasta, i told her it was wonder woman food. [ laughter ] she refused to even try it. I begged her, bribed her. I tried everything. I got nothing. She wanted cookies before dinner. She just kept saying no, no. Shes relentless. Finally i reached my breaking point. I snapped. I didnt know what to do. So i went over to the tray of freshly made Chocolate Chip Cookies. I said if you dont eat this rice, im going to throw these cookies in the pool. [ laughter ] and she said no and so i picked up a Chocolate Chip Cookie and i chucked it into the pool. And i did. [ cheers and applause ] and i said, are you going to eat the rice . And she said no. So i picked another cookie up and threw it in the pool. My wife walks in, shes like what is going on in here . Its a maniac throwing cookies into the pool. I had no good explanation for what was going on, but guess what . She ate the rice. [ cheers and applause ] she ate the rice. And ill tell you something, to pick a freshly baked Chocolate Chip Cookie up and it was one of the heavy ones. To pick it up it just came out of the oven. To pick it up and throw it into the pool on purpose. To will your body to do that [ laughter ] its like i imagine its similar to what it would be like to intentionally drive your car into a mailbox. [ laughter ] but she did eat the rice. And this, by the way, is exactly how they should handle President Trump at all times. [ cheers and applause ] you like this part . The president is on a tour of asia right now, which shouldnt be a problem at all. Im sure that will go great. But hell be out of the country for two weeks. Hes in south korea right now, hes in japan today and yesterday meeting with Prime Minister shinzo abe. The president arrived in japan with his wife melania. And this is how they were greeted when they got off air force one. Listen to the music the band played as they exited the jet. Whoo girls hitch hallelujah uptown funk dont give it to you jimmy uptown funk as played by a bar mitzvah band. [ laughter ] dont believe me just watch dont believe me just watch dont believe me just watch uptown funk you up jimmy what happened to hail to the chief . Wouldnt it have been great if he heard that song and turned around and went right back up the stairs, got on the plane and flew home. And of course no trump meeting with a foreign leader would be complete without an awkward meet and greet. Watch this. Heres Prime Minister abe and his wife. Starts fine. They shake, melania shakes, everybody says their hellos and, okay, now, as they turn away, reality sets in for the abcs. Just look at the looks on their faces as they realize theyre now going to have to spend the next 48 hours oh, no. Yes. And they did spend a lot of time together. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] show some of the stuff. They signed hats together. Yeah. They played a round of golf together. Look at that. They fed a group of orphans who gathered down below. [ laughter ] there you go. Thats our guy. This is kind of funny. For lunch yesterday before they played golf, they served trump a hamburger made from american beef. Thats what they said. Its made from american beef. I always wonder why when leaders of other countries visit they do that. When the Prime Minister of italy was at the white house, they served him pasta. Hes like, oh, good, pasta. Again. Why give these people what they already get a better version of all the time. Theyre not hamsters that can only eat pellets. Theyre people. If you are going to make donald trump a hamburger in japan, make him a hamburger with japanese beef. Maybe this is crazy. Maybe pull him off the childrens menu for five seconds and serve him a bowl of noodles or something. Its japan. [ cheers and applause ] we have a burger for lunch and a steak for dinner. Beef is Donald Trumps favorite thing to eat and start. [ laughter ] this is a 12day trip. The longest asia trip by a president since george h. W. Bush back in 1991. Basically the republicans are trying to get this tax plan passed, and theyre like, you know what, mr. President . Go to asia, have fun, eat steak, try not to start a war, well be fine. We have billionaires who need money over here. Remember Anthony Weiner . The only politician who had more trouble with twitter than donald trump . Anthony weiner today began a 21month prison sentence for sexting with a minor. [ audience moaning ] oh, you didnt hear about that . How long until he gets a little drunk on toilet wine and tries to send a picture of his penis through a prison pay phone . [ laughter ] congratulations are in order for Shalane Flanagan who yesterday became the First American woman in 40 years [ cheers and applause ] to win the new york city marathon. [ cheers and applause ] its a 26milelong race. She finished in 2 26 53. I honestly dont think i could drive 26 miles in new york in 2 hours and 26 minutes. She beat a threetime winner from kenya, mary keitany. Defending champ. She may have been a little overconfident. Halfway through the race she stopped at shake shack and had an order of cheese fries. Nice to see an american women win something this year. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] we have a jam packed show for you tonight. From the battleship iowa down in san pedro, california, music from brad paisley and john fogerty. [ cheers and applause ] a special concert going on for our men and women in uniform. And from the world series champion houston astros, shortstop Carlos Correa is with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] by the way, l. A. Is the only city where Carlos Correa wouldnt get booed after winning the world series. In case you missed it, not only did carlos help win a world series. Moments after the game, he did this. Taking another big step in my life. Daniella rodriguez, you make me the happiest man in the world. Will you marry me . Oh, my god. Will you marry me . Oh, my god. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy they got engaged on the field. By the way, ten seconds later security came and made her go back on the other side of the gate. [ laughter ] so carlos is here tonight with his new fiancee and this is good, too. This is from the astros victory parade in houston on friday where a woman accidentally dropped her hat from the seventh level of a parking structure. Watch here as her fellow fans pitch in to return the hat to its Rightful Owner. Okay. Here we go. See the hat . Its going up level by level. This is really teamwork right here. And they wait. We still have oh oh, but wait. Its like donkey kong jr. Here. And they keep throwing it up. And but wait . She snatches it and throws it up, and the Rightful Owner of the hat once again has it. [ cheers and applause ] i dont know why that was exciting, but it was. Carlos correa will be here shortly. Idris elba is here with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] you can see idris in the new thor movie, which was number one at the box office this weekend. Thor ragnarok. Made 100 million and deservedly so. Its very good. The best marvel movie yet. Whenever theres a big blockbuster film like this, we run it by our inhouse movie critic yehya. Yehya loves movie stars and has a lot of time to stalk them while theyre in restaurants. Here he is talking about the movie thor ragnarok. Action action hi, its me, yehya. Im talking about the new movie. The new movie behind me toro ranjerrikon. Here we go. The movie like a lot of action, a lot of magic, a lot of everything. This australian guy, hes going name hansween something. That doesnt sound right. Thats true. She look like the cow, too much, you know, something in his head. Thats lady, her name cate blanket. Shes the fat lady from the movie and this guy jeff golding is in the movie called he kill the alien in the white house with willie smith. Hes in the movie flight. You know the flight outcome and he make swat oh. And you know, the guy mark ruffalo. And he do movie, mark ruffalo, he do movie with leo. The movie is called butter island. The long time the green guy, the wrestling guy is joe frogono. You know him. And then the hulk, the movie with mark ruffalo. Hes the one arrgghh the movie is like 3d. And you watch it with no glasses come in your face. And somebody wants it more like 3d, come, come, come in your face and your eyes boo theres a very good movie, go see the movie, and good luck cut [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you, yehya. Thanks to your nipples too. Were going to take a break. When we come back, a major announcement from diddy that could change the face of his face as we know it and a very special new remix of Stranger Things so stick around. 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I got it from the same place i bought your present from last year. Its the thing from the link you sent us. And the year before. I found the perfect gift for you. But it wouldnt ship in time. So i just. Texted you a photo. I bought it with one click. I included a gift receipt. Its the thought that counts . Dont shop like everybody else. This year shop ebay for brand new, nearly new, and i got this. N there . Thats the new man, huh . Yup. Getting kinda close to my ride. Wow. Now, thats how you make a first impression. Theyre going to love you. Thats ford, americas bestselling brand. Hurry in today for 0 financing for 72 months across the full line of ford cars, trucks and suvs and just announced. Get 0 apr for 72 months plus 1000 cash back take advantage of these exclusive holiday offers during the ford year end sales event. All smartphones are more or less the same, right . But this is the moto z. Hello moto. Can your phone turn into a projector . Because a 70 inch projection beats any phone screen. And they might be bragging about portrait mode. But can your phone go beyond and transform into a real 360 camera . Its time to reinvent your smartphone. Its time to move on. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Get 200 off a moto z2 force edition. Hurry in get fifty percent off all jeans, sweaters, and outerwear right now at old navy. Jimmy hi there, welcome back to the show. Idris elba, Carlos Correa, music from brad paisley and john fogerty. All that is on the way. I hope youre adjusting to daylight savings. Do you adjust your clocks, guillermo. Guillermo no, they go automatic. Jimmy all of them in your house . Guillermo yes in my house, yes. Jimmy what kind of spaceage house do you live in . [ laughter ] guillermo i dont know, my wife jimmy thats why. Your wife. Daylight savings time. It goes back to agrarian time when American Farmers needed an extra hour in the day to scroll through instagram. [ laughter ] now its really just microwave oven confusion day. But this was big. On saturday, on the occasion of his 48th birthday, we got very big news from sean combs who is now the artist formerly known as diddy. Hey, whats up . I have some very serious, serious news. Ive been planning on this. I decided i know it was risky, but i knew it could come off as corny to some people like, yo, i decided to change my name again. [ laughter ] im just not who i am before. Im something different. So my new name is love, aka brother love. I will not be answering to puffy, diddy, puff daddy or any of my other monikers, but love or brother love. Jimmy wait a minute. Did he say butt love . But love. Jimmy i think he did, yeah. Wow. [ applause ] i think he meant to say love or brother love. Diddy made this decision after carefully consulting several bottle of chiroc. [ laughter ] this is the latest what names has he had . He started with his real name sean combs. He became sean puffy combs, then puff, puffy, puff daddy, pdiddy, sean john and wilford brimley. Right . [ laughter ] isnt that right . At this point i feel sorry for his mailman. Ive got a package. I dont know, here you go. You know what this means, right, guillermo . Guillermo yes, jimmy. Jimmy you got to change the sign. Guillermo all right. Jimmy you know what . We had quite a streak going. [ cheers and applause ] now were starting over. Have you guys been watching the new season of Stranger Things on netflix . [ cheers and applause ] a lot of people have. Its very popular. The show, its a great combination of new and classic. Its a formula that really works for them. Full of references from the 80s. Now netflix, with the next incarnation of the show, is taking that a step further with a 90 Spinoff Series that teams the kids from hawkins, indiana, with two beloved characters from the 80s. Larry and balki. Tonight on net flex, larry and balki are back. And things are stranger than ever. Cousin larry, my sisters uncles dogs nephew needs a place to stay. Balki, i told you there he is now. Who is this . His name is dem. Dem who . Demogorgan. Is he irish . Nice to meet you mr. Ogorgon. He could use a breath mint. With his off the wall style. Please you shouldnt have. No, i mean that, you shouldnt have. To his lack of boundaries. Which one of you used my toothbrush . To his zany antics. Dem, could you get that . Trick or treat anybody here . This place is spooky. Its halloween. Its supposed to be spooky. Hey, guys, the candys over there. Yeah, lets take some and leave. Not again. Hes turning both of their lives dem, we need you to leave. Just because you kill all our friends. Upside down. We about were just kidding just american joke of course you can stay. Dont be ridiculous. Cousin, now we are so happy. We do the dance of joy. Da da da da da da hey hey hey hey [ laughter ] standing tall by the wings of our dreams rise and fall on the wings of our dreams the three of us are stuck with each other were perfect Stranger Things our life and our dreams nothings going to stop us nothings going to stop us now perfect Stranger Things tonight at 8 00 followed by a whole new full house of cards. Wait, im a single dad of three kids. Ah only on netflix. Jimmy real perfect strangers is on hulu. Thanks everyone to participated in that nonsense. Tonight on the show music from brad paisley and john fogerty. Carlos correia is here. And well be right back with idris elba paul when he changed his hair, it changed your hair. Paul he even changed the term dad bod. Dad oh cool. Paul and when the all new iphone x changed the game he knew it deserved to be on a gamechanging network with unlimited that could support all of its awesomeness. Sprint beckham can i just change one more thing . Paul better . Beckham works for me. 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