[ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you very much. Hi, everybody. Its too much already. Thanks. Please, sit, relax, relax. Welcome to [ cheers and applause ] thats very nice. Thank you. All right, sit, sit. Its embarrassing. Hey, welcome to the Howard Gillman opera house at the beautiful Brooklyn Academy of music. Isnt it fantastic [ cheers ] thank you for having us here in brooklyn, new york. Thank you for coming out to see us. This is our third time in brooklyn. Last time we were here, you people asked, would we ever come back. And i said at that time, only if you promise to open 2,000 new Cold Press Juice shops. And you did. And so here we are. You kept your word and i kept mine. Its especially great to be able to do our show here one last time before they turn it into a whole foods store. So thank you again. [ laughter ] i was born here in brooklyn, i grew up in mill basin. [ cheers and applause ] i went to ps 236 on avenue u and i did my first major drug deal outside the alexanders at the plaza. Its great to be back. Do you like our set, by the way . [ applause ] this is a special set built special for you. Our crew, there was a play going on here until saturday night. And last show ended around 10 00 on saturday. So our crew flew in from l. A. And met with our other crew from new york, started loading equipment into the theater at 2 00 a. M. Yesterday morning. They worked 22 hours straight to set everything up and get it going. They literally had no sleep till brooklyn. [ applause ] thats right, give them a round of applause. If it wasnt for this crew and the miracle of methamphetamines, none of us would be here tonight. [ laughter ] wed be picking through wiffle balls at modells right now. No trip anywhere would be complete without my tequila monster. Wheres guillermo . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy guillermo, is there anything you would like to say to the 2,000 people who gathered here tonight to see you in this ridiculous outfit . Guillermo thank you for coming fuggetabout it [ applause ] jimmy i know. Welcome, guillermo. I want to get real with you for a moment here, if i could. When we decided to bring this show back to brooklyn, of course we wanted to make it special. So the first request my band leader cleto and i made was to a very, very special person, someone we grew up watching every night on tv. Someone who dare i say we idolized. A man who has more soul than any canadian that ever crossed over that imaginary line that divides our two great nations. A supernaturally gifted performer who popped from that big red maple leaf to the big red apple were in the core of right now and never looked back, a Legendary Music man who for 33 years was the kick at David Lettermans side. For 33 years. Please welcome mr. Paul shaffer. Thank you, everybody im here all week. Im doing what we call in show business, a mini residency. My mini residency, all week. Ill be with you, sir. Jimmy well, thank you for being our mini resident. An awful lot of fun. Thanks for having me. Jimmy paul shaffer, everybody. Fantastic show for you tonight. And all this week. Amy schumer is here with us, we have music from lcd soundsystem. And we are blessed to have dj khaled in the opera house tonight. Whats your favorite dj khaled song . I like this one all i do is win win win no matter what money on my mind and i cant get enough every i step up in the building everybodys hand goes upa and they stay there and they stay there and they stay there. Dj khaled. The best. Jimmy were not going to top that. I also want to mention that in honor of our show being here in brooklyn, all of the jokes you will hear tonight were written in small batches by hand on biodegradable hemp parchment using natural ink sustained from harvested lingonberries. This is all artisanal tonight. One of the great things about taking your show on the road is meeting new people. There are no better people to meet than the people here in brooklyn. So we thought it might be fun to take a smaller version of our show on the actual road. I got a taxi cab and a driver and a little desk and none other than paul shaffer to drive around and find guests to interview for a mini talk show in a taxi here in brooklyn. [ honking ] how are you doing . Im doing okay. Jimmy whats your name . Mamadou. Hello, mamadou, im paul. Nice to see you. Jimmy, how are you . Jimmy im doing well. Lets pick some people up and interview them. What do you say . Awesome. Thats wonderful. Jimmy paul, some pickingup music. Sure. Jimmy kimmel live live from my cab, Jimmy Kimmel Live all right. Jimmy you know what i hope we get . Our customer, is a man with no shirt on. Were gonna try. Jimmy theres a guy him. Need a cab, sir . Jimmy how about her . Oh, yes, yes. Jimmy hi there. Hello. Jimmy our first guest is wearing a pink skirt. Oh, how you doing . Jimmy doing well. Whats your name . Hi, how are you doing . Jimmy whats your name . Alisa hollis. Jimmy ladies and gentlemen, alisa hollis. A Live Performance of Jimmy Kimmel Live. Jimmy where are you headed . Right to highland park. Jimmy highland park. Everything good . Everything is good. Jimmy any new projects . Working on my daughter. Jimmy hows that going . Its a work in progress. You know when your children have children, they dont want you to have too much input. Jimmy right. Are you oh, are you being overbearing grandmother . Thats what she says. Jimmy well, that can happen. Can we call your daughter and get to the bottom of whats going on here . I would love to speak to her. I think thats really the only way youre going to work things out. People have to communicate. Jimmy see that . She might get offended. Jimmy she might get offended, but she might not. So let me talk to her and well see how it goes. Just dial her up. Whats your grandchilds name . Deron. Hello . Jimmy hi, sharon, its jimmy kimmel and paul shaffer, were here with your mom. For real. For real. Jimmy your mother told me shes been annoying you too much. Telling you what to do with your children. And that sometimes you become resentful. Yeah. Jimmy so your mother said shes going to try to understand your point of view and respect that, and in return all she would like is for you to understand that it all comes from a good place. She know i love her, but jimmy did you love her a little too much . It sounds like. Maybe. Jimmy is that neron in the background . Yes. Jimmy well, she loves him more than she loves you. Oh, this is it right here. Bye, sharon. Thanks so much for being here. Glad we could really iron things out, and well see you real soon. Thank you so much. Thanks. Thank you. [ applause ] we have a customer over here. We have a customer over here, yes, yes. I recognize this guy. Hey you got to be kidding me. Jimmy did you need a ride . Ill take the next one. Jimmy its me. Ill take the next one. Go ahead, hes not interested. Jimmy bye, biff. People change, you know. Jimmy you got one . Our next guest is wearing a red and white striped shirt. Come on in. What is your name . My name is emily. Oh, my gosh. Jimmy please welcome emily. [ laughter ] live from my car, Jimmy Kimmel Live hi. Jimmy buckle up. Safety first. How are you . Im good. Just back from the pool. Jimmy do you have any anecdotes about that . Im a synchronized swimmer. Jimmy you are really . I am. Jimmy where are the other synchronized swimmers . I was synchronizing with myself today. Jimmy can you synchronize with yourself . Synchronized swimming is with the music as well as with each other. Jimmy what song do you swim to . Right now, were swimming to uptown funk. Jimmy really . Yeah. Jimmy bruno mars under water. Thats something else. If i played a little yt uptown funk could you simulate . A land drill . Jimmy maybe ill learn it with you. Because uptown funk gonna give it to you uptown funk gonna give it to you dont believe me just watch thats it. Thats all i can do. Jimmy thats pretty good. I have to say. Do you have a clip on your phone . I do. Jimmy would everyone like to see that . Id love to. Jimmy mamadou . Jimmy, you cant see it. But theres an actual synchronized swim going on right now. You should check it out. Jimmy you guys are swimming exactly the same way. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you, guys. It was fun. That thing that i want to do jimmy did you know what that is . May sound crazy but it aint no lie baby byebye byebye byebye jimmy no tip, emily . [ applause ] look whos here, mamadou is here. Oh, everybodys here. How about that . Thank you guys for riding with us. Tonight on the show, music from lcd soundsystem, dj khaled is here and well be right back with amy schumer, from the Brooklyn Academy of music [ cheers and applause ] im here to tell you how at t gives you more. And so am i. Like how when you buy one of our popular smartphones you get the second one for free. See we give you more phones and more spokespeople. Are you guys doing a spokesperson thing right now . Yes. Awesome, can i be in it . Well, its kind of like a twophone deal. So two spokespeople. Got it. Thanks. At t its time for more. Its time for more. Buy one of our popular smartphones and get a second one free. Every year we take a girls trip. Remember nashville . Kimchi bbq. Amazing honky tonk . I cant believe you got us tickets. I did. I didnt pay for anything. You never do. Send me what i owe. I got it. I mean, you did find money to buy those boots. Are you serious . Is that why you dont like them . Those boots could make a unicorn cry. Yeah, tears of joy. The bank of america mobile banking app. The fast, secure and simple way to send money. From 7am noon get the lowest prices of the year. Art. Milkbone, 4. 99 tidy cats, 8. 99 and friskies cat food is only 41 cents a can. Shop early deals online this thursday petsmart. For the love of pets. Sourced entirely in france, for a character all its own. Grey goose. Give the worlds best tasting vodka. Bthe less stuff i have, myto carry the better. K. With surface pro, i have one device that does everything. Technology has really changed how i do this job. On pacific rim uprising our characters are 250 ft. Tall. Where in the heck are you gonna land this big robot . Pulled up a satellite image and there is like a giant bullseye, robots here i feel very proud of what i bring to the screen. I have the greatest job in the world. Im back in new york im back in new york groove jimmy we are here in brooklyn, new york. Thats paul shaffer sitting in with the cletones. Paul will with be us all week. Tonight on our show, you can see him live. Tomorrow night he can be seen on the title x the benefit concert. Hes the best, dj khaled is here with us. And then this is their latest album, its called american dream. Brooklyns own lcd soundsystem from the mercedesbenz stage. Tomorrow night, what a show we have tomorrow night. David letterman will be here. And well have music from fifth harmony. Later this week, howard stern, billy joel, woody harrelson, cardi b, tony bennett and a number of surprise visitors, too, whose names i cannot reveal for legal reasons. But trust me, they will be significant. Paul, do you think dave is gonna be mad when he finds out youre here . Wait a minute, im here . No, its a mini residency. Hell be okay. Jimmy yeah, i forgot about that. I forgot that, youre correct. Our first guest tonight is a multitalented entertainer who now, officially, does it all, at the booth theater on november 29th. She makes her broadway debut in a new play written by steve martin called meteor shower. Please say hello to amy schumer. [ applause ] jimmy welcome, amy. Wow. Jimmy what is this . How ya doing . Im good. Jimmy thanks for coming. Im your first guest in new york. Jimmy you are, indeed. Well, i mean, im honored. Jimmy im honored. Im the one who is honored. Not as honored as me. And i wanted to give you a good luck vase. And this is the only thing i put flowers in in my home. I dont know what youre allowed to travel with. Jimmy thank you. This is a vase, you say . Yeah. Did you smell it . Jimmy very herbal. Super herbal. Jimmy thank you. Almost has a jamaican theme to it. It does. Yes, it does. Jimmy is this a drug bomb . What how dare you. Jimmy sorry. Didnt mean to assume anything. Thank you for coming here and for bringing me this gift. But this is your town, born here, raised here, you live here now. Yeah. Jimmy what cities have you lived in . What boroughs have you lived in . Isnt it great . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy have you lived in brooklyn . I lived in brooklyn, i lived in queens. I was born at lennox hill hospital. Represent. Lennox hill, whats up . Jimmy this is very exciting, this whole thing with steve martin. Were you like a theater kid . I was. Started doing plays when i was 5. Jimmy oh, 5 . Yeah, ive been doing them forever. And i know people just think like i stand on the stage and talk about my vaj but i also [ laughter ] jimmy well, it is on your linkedin profile. Thats true. Which you guys have to join. But im superexcited about this because ive been doing tv and movies for a little and you have to not drink as much. Jimmy is that true . Well, in a closeup, here we have the Barbara Walters lighting so it doesnt matter. But on movies [ laughter ] no, she has really good lighting. If you were ever on the view, you know. Youre just eyes and a floating head. Jimmy ive never felt more beautiful than on the view. So gorgeous. Jimmy i feel like im haunting the show. Im like, am i a 10 on the view . Anyway, you can get hammered and wake up late, its just a good schedule. Jimmy thats a lovely way of approaching it. Its good. Im planning on i had a really cool weight gain last winter. Has anyone ever had the kind of weight gain, where your coats dont fit . [ laughter ] you know . Jimmy planning to have one this week. Exactly. This is the week to do it. But its your jeans. They shrunk. But if its like a pea coat, you cant be like its not like washing your coat. Have you ever washed a coat in your life . Jimmy i dont know. Guillermo, have you ever had a coat cleaned . No, never. He gets it. He doesnt have a coat right now. Jimmy does that worry you . If i gain or lose weight . Jimmy not if you gain or lose weight, just being in a, i dont know, kind of unhealthy situation. Sure. And especially were so blessed with the internet that people give you constant feedback on your looks, its so and thank you for mean tweets, promoting it. Such a cool time. [ applause ] thank you for all of your feedback on my face and body. But sometimes it kind of backfires, i think, on the trolls because the other day somebody tweeted about me. Amy schumers body looks like a bag of mashed potatoes. And i was like, okay, now i need mashed potatoes. You know . And i had them i havent had those in a while. Jimmy so you saw it as an inspiration . Yeah. Jimmy your brother is here with us tonight . Yes, he is. Jimmy and theres a special reason why your brother is here tonight. Yeah. Jimmy because your brother and are the only two adults that i know who played the bass clarinet. Thats right. Jimmy and your brother is a professional bass clarinet player and hes sitting in with cleto and paul and the guys. [ cheers and applause ] your brother even has like a cd and all. You know, the most popular the hottest instrument right now is the bass clarinet, as you can see. Look at that. Jimmy and hes got a quartet and everything. Hes going on tour and hes got a website and all this stuff. Jason, would you mind sharing a story that perhaps might be embarrassing about your sister, amy, when you were growing up . Oh you could just play music. Id love to, love to. Hi jase. Good to see you. Yeah, you too. Remember when we grew up together . Yeah, im going to focus on that. When i was about 16 this story is about amy. I was in the jewish junior olympics playing basketball. One person. One person is pretty psyched about that. Jewish olympics. [ applause ] and we were warming up before the game, shooting layups and i see my sister on the side of the Court Running out with her arms open at me. And i was like, amy, whats going on . She ran up to me, gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear, jase, i just got my period. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy you really are very comfortable. I, from the bottom of my heart, did not remember that. [ laughter ] just so you know, that was the first time i got it. I wasnt just going up to tell him about any one. Jimmy it was historic. Yeah. Can i Say Something about that. Jase, cover your ears. Jimmy sure. You can always bum a tampon, you dont need to buy one. Because someone will hook you up. Jimmy oh, i know. Sure. So i asked i was doing a photo shoot because im very beautiful and im at the photo shoot and i asked, it was a room of women, because you dont even have to say the words, you can just go, does anybody and this girl was like, yeah, i do. And she goes in front of the whole room, what size . [ laughter ] and im like, i know theres different sizes of tampons, obviously. But no ones ever confronted me. Like whats the circumference of your do you have a big hole or do you have a little how big is the hole in your body . Like, do you have something in a gaping . How about gaping . Jimmy on that note, perhaps well take a break. Amy schumer is here. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live in brooklyn are brought to you by kmart. Watch tonight for a bluelight special just in time for the holidays. To ibuprofen. Was allec and i had fallen asleep. scrappy barks amanda he was totally freaked out, digging and pawing at me. And when i woke up i realized that i was in anaphylaxis and went to the emergency room. I dont know what i would do if he wasnt there. Hes the best boy. vo through the subaru share the love event, weve helped the ascpa save nearly forty thousand animals so far. Get a new subaru and well donate two hundred fifty dollars more to help those in need. amanda put a little love in your heart. Toasting dad im not one but heres to. To many more years of friendship. And feasts crowd [laughing, cheering] to presents a mi familia que lo es todo. To being right here, right now, with you. Sfx dog bark. And you. Toasting dad i guess what im trying to say is, heres to family. Were proud to bring your family amazing value every day. T. J. Maxx. Marshalls. Homegoods. Family is the greatest gift. [ cheers and applause ] hey, girlfriend. Hows your cafe au lait . Oh, its actually. squeaking of balloon its ver. squeaking im being so serious right now. I really want to know how your coffee is. Its. squeaking of balloon, laughing i had a second balloon goodbye oof, that milk in your coffee was messing with you, wasnt it . Yeah, it happens to more people than you think. Try lactaid, its real milk, without that annoying lactose. Mmm. Good, right . Yeah. Lactaid. Its the milk that doesnt mess with you. And now, try our real sour cream. Its delicious. Jimmy hi there. We are back in brooklyn with amy schumer. Amys brother jason stein is sits sitting in with the band on bass clarinet, of all instruments. He tours with you, when you go out and do standup . That man do