That mariah carey song 75,000 times. [ laughter ] it occurred to me last night as i was putting my daughter to bed that the little drummer boy, you know the little drummer boy, this kid brought drums into a babys room. [ laughter ] he just strolls in, shall i play my drums for you . Starts pahrumping. Completely unacceptable. Where were this little drummer easiest boys parents when this was going on . This morning my daughters 3. They had their holiday performance for preschool. Her class is called the ladybugs. The ladybugs perform two songs. Here comes suzie snowflake, which is just a terrible song. [ laughter ] and a hanukkah song that was even no one has ever heard this song before or will ever hear it again. I dont know where it came from. We got there early in the morning. My motherinlaw drove an hour and a half to see her do these two songs. Not only didnt jane, my daughter, sing at all, a single word of either song, she cried. The whole time. She didnt sing, she didnt dance, she didnt do any of the moves, she stood there and cried for six minutes. Then i picked her up, i took her off stage. Not two minutes later shes dancing and singing in the corner with her friends. [ laughter ] but what i witnessed this morning was nothing compared to this. This is from a church in white pine, tennessee. Some preschool kids put on a nativity scene that turned into just a scene. We hear you lord jesus [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy a brawl over baby jesus. I dont remember that. Give me that savior right now [ laughter ] this war on christmas is getting completely out of hand. It really is. Meanwhile, roy moore, you know roy moore. The leathervested loser in the race for senate in alabama . Still hasnt conceded the election. Even though he lost. Not only hasnt he conceded, he released Youtube Video bemoaning the fact that immorality is sweeping the land. If immorality is sweeping the land, you, my friend, are a roomba. [ laughter ] [ applause ] he made a defiant and fire and brimstonestyle speech that referenced abortion, samesex marriage, sodomy, transgenders, and even his wife kayla moore made an appearance. Like most americans, im concerned about the future of our country, both financially and morally. One of our attorneys is a jew. [ laughter ] jimmy now i understand. [ applause ] the reason that hes been too busy to concede is theyve been wrapping hanukkah presents all night. In happier news, the new star wars movie has finally arrived. Star wars the last jedi [ cheers and applause ] opened in theaters tonight. I feel we need more time between the star wars. As soon as you come out of the theater you have to get in line for the next one. Its expected to be the number one movie with a colon in the title at the box office this weekend. If it does well, theres talk they may make another one, so thats exciting. I hope this one has robots. I hate when they dont have robots. This is right outside our studio. This is one of the new walkers. 40 feet high. It was sent by emperor trump to destroy us. [ laughter ] i got a little nervous when i saw that coming to work this morning. The big news in show business is that disneox, anyway. Disney, the company that owns our network, abc, is buying 21st century fox for more than 60 billion. Bad news is, now we only have about 300 left to make the next stdz stz movie. Star wars movie. [ laughter ] its a major deal. Disney will now own the rights to the xmen, fantastic four, avatar and three big mamas house movies. [ cheers and applause ] i wonder, is it too late to add wolverine to star wars . That would be awesome. The federal communications commission, the fcc did something despicable today, they voted to put an end to Net Neutrality. This is the rule that says everyone gets equal access to the internet, a big company or somebody selling crocheted owls from their house in the midwest. As long as they tell us theyre doing it now, Internet Service providers will be allowed to slow down or block web traffic to any website or streaming service they like, which benefits big telecon companies and does the opposite for all of us. They did this even though 83 of americans support Net Neutrality and 2 million of the people who supposedly wrote to the fcc to oppose it were bogus, many of them turned out to be dead. Someone stole the identities of dead people to push this through. Now we have to Hope Congress agrees to vote on and reverse it. But i just want to say, thank you, president trump. Thanks to you and this jackhole you appointed to run the fcc, big corporations are about to take full control of the internet. So merry christmas, everybody. And by the way, tomorrow is the last day maybe ever to enroll for healthcare under the Affordable Care act. If you do not have health insurance, you are required by law to get it, you will get fined if you dont get it. Go to healthcare. Gov to sign up. For a lot of people its free. So do it now. Because once Net Neutralitys gone, we might not even have web m. D. Anymore, so this is something that you need. I want to wish a happy hanukkah for those who are celebrating it. Tonight is the third night of hanukkah. The third of eight nights. Guillermo, did you remember to light your menorah at home . Guillermo no, i forgot. Jimmy hanukkah lasts eight nights. Eight is the number of ways you can spell hanukkah correctly. Whats going on . Excuse me, jimmy. Jimmy yes . Someone in the audience has a question . Yes . Which night of hanukkah are you going to bring out the hanukorn . Jimmy gary, stop it. All right . Im not gary, im just a regular audience member who wants to see the beloved hanukkah unicorn make an appearance. Jimmy a regular audience member . Whats your name, regular audience member . Uh din. Jimmy your name is din . Dinzell. Jimmy okay. This is one of our writers, his name is gary. Every year he interrupts our show [ applause ] dont encourage him. He interrupts dressed as this ridiculous character he made up called the hanukorn. I did not make it up. God make the hanukorn. Jimmy it doesnt matter, we dont have time for this. Do not treat me like matt damon. [ laughter ] the people want to see the hanukorn, right . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy all right. I will give you 60 seconds. How about 80 . Jimmy what a negotiator. All right, 80. All right, okay, all right. The song we worked on, we have to do it fast because i dont have much time. I hope that you enjoy my song its going to be a blast listen very carefully i have to sing it fast the most melodic melody that you have ever heard the hanukorns official 80 favorite jewish words bagel yentl pickled herring lean corned beef on rye oy vey dreidel gimle Rosh Hashanah circumcision shekel shekel Barbra Streisand fiddler on the roof maz t tov menorah gefilte fish we have to go faster, faster. Give me a beat. My time is up shalom goodbye [ applause ] jimmy all right, thank you. Thank you, hanukorn. The one, the only dreidel dog. [ cheers and applause ] and his sidekick latke the lizard jimmy oh, look at that. All right. Well, thats wonderful. Thank you. The hanukorn, everybody. And we look forward to his comments about this on social media. All right. One more thing. The years winding down and so as is our tradition we went through all the bleeps and blurs of 2017 and whittled it to the best of the best. It is time for this year in unnecessary censorship. We have a good relationship, i [ bleep ]ed him just about every day, i [ bleep ]ed him several times a week, he calls me late at night on the weekends. Now theyre saying the real problem is not that trump might have blown an israeli spy meaning blew his [ bleep ], that is. Im a [ bleep ]. Im a big [ bleep ]. That was the first time i heard about the [ bleep ] inside of tommy lasorda. We love you youve been with us all year. Were bringing this [ bleep ] home i believe in [ bleep ]. What does my [ bleep ] have to do with this here . She wanted her [ bleep ] to be simply the best. Came back, pushed me off my chair, and [ bleep ]ed me. Where . In my [ bleep ]. Fist or hand . Fist. Weve been able to [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. We did it in the [ bleep ]. Lets call it start [ bleep ]ing it in the [ bleep ]. And all that [ bleep ]. Yes, indeed, you got it. And then there were just maybe hes got the magic touch tonight. Americas at her best when, against all odds, we come together and [ bleep ] each other up. [ bleep ] you. [ bleep ] you. [ bleep ] you. [ bleep ] you. I knew i would [ bleep ] this show up, i really did. Is there a problem with your sandwich, sir . Yes, i feel like i could die and go to heaven oh, please, sir, dont, stop, you really can stop, sir. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow, what a year. Were going to take a break. When we come back, guillermo and i will find out if kids have been naughty or nice, so stick around, well be right back [ cheers and applause ] the all new 2018 camry. Toyota. Lets go places. Making a target run after cli need vitamins. Inhale. Im out of yogurt i need protein powder. Ill drive. I need ice cream get low prices, today and every day. Target run done. Chicken and steak for just 10. 99 chilis made some major fajita improvements 48 more meat, 10. 99 please sing it with us its 10. 99 chilis is back baby back baby back mmhmm oh baby chilis is back baby back baby back you doing your taxes . Yeah. Why are you using turbotax . Hm . Well h r block more zero lets you file online for free, even if you itemize deductions. Turbotax doesnt do that. Oh man. H r block more zero lets you file online for free. Get your taxes won. Advil liquigels minis. Our first concentrated pill that rushes powerful relief. A small size. Thats fast, cause its liquid. Youll ask. What pain . Advil liquigels minis. The price is 4. 99 come on in for a subway footlong black forest ham meatball marinara spicy italian get five footlongs for just 4. 99 each right now at subway. Its about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing left and right twix® packs. Its time to deside. Jimmy hi, everyone. Welcome back. Will smith, pharrell williams, and music from n. E. R. D. Is coming. First, christmas is coming as well. Its ten days away. Not only is christmas ten days away, next years christmas just a little over a year away. Every year around this time gua a hand. We dress up in our elf costumes and chat with kids to see whos been naughty and whos been nice and this is what we learned from a couple of adorable little brothers. Come on in, hi guys, how are you . Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Have a seat right there. Lets see, we got nick and ben. Oh, santas name is nick. Which one of you is nick . All right, very good. Lets see. Dear santa, i want a lego death star, please. I help clean up. Love, ben. Thats good. Dear santa, i want a laser tag game because ive been nice to everybody at school and ive been nice to my parents. I thank you for being santa. Well, thats nice, from nicholas. All right, thats good. Have you been good this year . Yeah. Yeah. Jimmy both of you . Yeah. Jimmy do you ever see the other one doing anything naughty . Sometimes. Jimmy oh, sometimes. Tell us about some of the things that your brother has done. And be honest. Sometimes tackles me. Yeah, we get in fights. Jimmy oh, okay. What kind of things do you fight over . Sometimes fight over toys. Jimmy you fight over toys, okay, all right. Who starts these fights . Usually you. Yeah, probably. Jimmy you usually do start them, okay. Do you ever use bad words . No. No. Jimmy never . Never. santas mentioned that, ben, youve been maybe using the s word sometimes . No, i would not. Jimmy youre not, okay. We must have that wrong. Maybe you said something that sounded like the s word . Its because i was going to sit down. Jimmy oh, it was sit. Oh, yeah, i could see how santa would get confused by that. Youre like, oh sit yeah. Jimmy or look, the dog just sit i just stepped in sit yeah. Jimmy that kind of thing . Yeah, i could see how that would be confusing. Okay. Would you like to give santa a message on camera . Sure. Jimmy okay, go right in that little house and say whatever you want to say to him, make sure to tell him who you are though. Okay. Jimmy because hes got a lot of kids to keep track of and hes not a mind reader. Hi. Hi. My name is ben. And my brothers name is nick. We love you so much. And we hope that christmas comes soon. Jimmy and weve been so good good this year. And weve been so good this year. Jimmy and those times i said the s word and those times i said the s word. Jimmy i said sit. Not the other thing. Not the other thing. Jimmy what is the other thing again . The s word. Jimmy what is it . S [ bleep ] t. Jimmy what does that spell . The s word. Jimmy which s word . All right, come on out, guys. I got to tell you one thing, you guys are very good at spelling. You know . Do you know how to spell any other bad words . Yeah. Jimmy which ones . The f word is [ bleep ]. Jimmy what . [ bleep ]. Jimmy thats right. This is like a profane spelling bee. Any others you can think of . Someone in my classroom called me the b word. Jimmy whats that word . Bitch. Jimmy whats that kids name who called you that . David. Jimmy david will get nothing for christmas. How about that . Yeah. Jimmy how about tell that little bword hes not getting anything. All right. Thanks, guys. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy tonight on the show, pharrell williams, music from n. E. R. D. , and well be right back with will smith. [ cheers and applause ] making a target run after class, wanna come . I need vitamins. Inhale. Im out of yogurt i need protein powder. Ill drive. I need ice cream get low prices, today and every day. Target run done. Resolution 1 binge more. Join the uncarrier, and get four unlimited lines for only forty bucks each. Plus, netflix for the whole family. On us. So, they get their shows. Lets go, girl youre gonna love this bit and you get yours. Watch however you want. On your phone, tablet, or tv. For just forty bucks per line. With no extra charges. Lets rock this joint all on americas best unlimited network, tmobile. At ally, we created a savings account with a great rate. But if thats not enough, our app helps monitor your spending too. And if thats not enough to help you save, we could start a carpool. Look at this traffic. Dont worry. Ok, if thats not enough well start a trainpool. Oh i have a meeting in five minutes. And if thats still not enough. I got it. Well just create a shortcut. Well do anything, seriously anything to help you save. Ally. Do it right. Talking 4th quarter . Yes. Jimmy do you ever forget and put food on the train . I have. Turning 65. Downsizing. Enrolling in Medicare Part d. These are moments when people realize that where you get your medicine matters. And they come to cvs pharmacy. For advice and ways to save money. Including copays as low as zero dollars. Switching is easy, call 1833cvsmedd and transfer today to cvs pharmacy. Im about to pop a cap of mmm fresh in that washer with unstopables inwash scent boosters by downy. Ah, its so fresh. And its going to last from wash to wear for up to 12 weeks. Right, freshness for weeks downy unstopables. For a fresh too feisty to quit. And now try downy unstopables with the original scent of tide jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight, a man who wears many tall hats, pharrell williams, is here. Hes getting his band back together. Their new album is called no one ever really dies. It comes out tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] n. E. R. D. From the mercedesbenz outdoor stage. Its a big weekend for nerds with star wars and all of that. Our first guest tonight is a worldwide Motion Picture superstar and the freshest of princes ever. His new movie is called bright. It premieres one week from tomorrow in theatres and on netflix. Which i get at home. Please say hello to will smith. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] hes gone. He just left. He just jimmy sorry, i just took a little nap. Oh, geez, im sorry. Jimmy i figured while you were out there with them id get a little shuteye. How are you . So good to see you. [ cheers and applause ] weve got little kids at home. By the way, i just want to ask about christmas in your house. Because i would imagine is it a big deal . Is it something that you guys are like, do you get very festive and excited about . Know christmas is really serious. Jimmy really . We dont joke about christmas. Jimmy oh, really . Yeah. You know, because our family scattered to the four corners of the earth all year. But on christmas, shes really serious. Like she goes way too she got antlers. [ laughter ] you know, shes one of those moms where like christmas is you better be at home. Jimmy be there. Be there on christmas and everybody does what mommy says. Jimmy i see. You know, so. Jimmy jada was here a few months ago. She told me a story about you. Im curious to get your side of the story. Oh, man, she been putting my business in the street . [ laughter ] jimmy she has. Whatd she say . Jimmy she said youre putting your business in the street is basically what she said. She said that when you dont have money, which she said is often, you have no cash on you, no wallet on you. You will panhandle. You will go up to people and say, can i have money . Hold up. [ laughter ] all right, so this is this is this has been a real issue in our marriage. Jimmy it has . Thats right. So weve been together 20 years this new [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats a lot of years. Right . But we almost aint make it. We almost aint make it. Right . So our family, we start a company. We Just Launched this company. Its called just water. Right . So its, you know, 81 paper bottle. We were excited, our family, First Business outside of entertainment. And whole foods takes the company and theyre going to have us in all 400 stores. It was the first day and were walking down the street in new york. And i see the first pallet coming into the whole foods. Im like, babe, look, look thats our company but i just i dont wear jewelry, i rarely have money, i dont carry money with me. Right . So i was like, oh, man its 99 cents for each bottle, so 2, we could both get a bottle. She didnt have money, i didnt have money. She was like, lets walk back to the house. Babe, its four blocks to the house. I was like, lets ask those people. [ laughter ] she was like i was like, babe, i got a eye for fresh prince fans. I can tell. [ cheers and applause ] theyre special, right . Jimmy right. She was like, what are you suggesting . I was like, its 2, ask them for 2. And she was like, you want to walk up to perfect strangers and ask for money . I said, its fresh prince fans. [ laughter ] she was like, no. Theres no way that were going to walk up to strangers and ask for money. I was like, babe, they would like it. [ laughter ] it would be fun for them to say will and jada borrowed 2. She said, they aint going to be able to say will and jada did nothing. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy this is a will sol