Here i am at my local coffee establishment. Hello id like a cap chino please. Great one cappacino and one giant bag of horse [ bleep ]. But i dont want a bag of horse [ bleep ]. Yeah its kind of a two for one thing. Oh. You want the cap, you also have to pay for the a giant bag of horse [ bleep ]. Jimmy what if i just want the cappucino. You start making demands like that i will shut down this establishment. You will shut down the store you work at. Yeah. Its absurd and scene. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] all right. So thats whats happening. Bottom line, they want to fund chip which they claim they do they could do it immediately, there would be no votes against it but they want to use Childrens Health for leverage. Unfortunate this rouse got more difficult this morning to pull off because President Trump who has weird flashes of common sense tweeted that chip should be a long Term Solution which is 100 correct but is the exact opposite what the white house said yesterday. Now the guys dont know what to do especially because its unclear whether the president understands that chip is a Government Program and not a bag of cookies whose last name is ahoy [ cheers and applause ] i have to say, ive been thinking about this, i think donald trump actually wants a government shut down i think he thinks it will be like a snow day for him to take off. The president is feeling good about the results of his annual checkup even though thinks weight is 239 pounds he said in an interview that he gets exercise, i mean, i walk, i think, i that. [ applause ] sometimes when hes feeling up it to it, he naps. Whats that even mean. He continued and said i run over to a building next door. I get more exercise than people think. He runs to a building. You know youre wearing a suit doesnt count as exercise. This is the white house. There is no building next door. Unless hes been running to the washington monument. Theres no way hes running next door. Lets be honest only part of trumps body that get exercise are his thumbs. The white house doctor claims trump is 63 even though his license says 62 it was a small detail, he was 63 would be in over weight at 62 hed fall into category of obesity where he didnt want to be, its a controversy that ted cruz got in his sticky web. Im going to leave it to the president s doctor. Youre 510 and campaigned against him. By the way im not 510 the internet is a strange place. How tall are you . 511. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy no wonder cant get anything done. 511 in flats, 62 in heels. [ laughter ] President Trump was in pittsburgh today, walking, he was talking, he was doing that, this, he was there to bask in the glow of admirers at an equipment supplier where the president took a rare opportunity to boast. Something im really proud of, ive been saying is it, what do you have to lose, africanamerican unemployment is at its lowest level ever recorded. [ cheers and applause ] look at all those white people clapping. [ laughter ] he really is bringing us together. By the way, remember how over the weekend everyone in hawaii got a text alert saying there was a missile on the way and turned out there wasnt. This is a fun statistic the website porn hub you know what it is, they releeszed a chart of traffic in hawaii before and after the missile alert when people thought they were going to down traffic went down 70 from usual but after everyone found out it was all okay it shot up to 48 above the normal level. At 8 45 people they got the all clear text by 9 01 they were all clearing their browser history. Isnt that something. Some men celebrate i guess. Im alive lets see everything works. Either than or i have another theory. May have been another reason for the surge in adult activity. Look who was visiting hawaii on that very day. None other than president bill clinton. Think he was looking at the picture of boats dont think so. This is maybe too good. We are constantly scouring news channels across the country, we have a team of four very sad men who do it every day, the thing that keeps them going is the hope of striking gold and tonight god bless them it did coming from long island. Planning to build high power line 7. 2 miles underground between union dale and brook people worried about traffic in that route including hugh james. I mean, theres already enough during rush hour. Hugh janis i heard of him. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] let me take you through this process. Reporters came in, said, hey can we talk to you, yeah, he did, said whats youre name, he said hugh janis not one person said really . Anyway whatever your real name is, congratulations. They say heroes come in many forms that was one of them. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] on saturday President Trump celebrated his first year in office. Been almost a year since the inauguration even though it seems like dog years like so many more. President trump Approval Rating to the polls is 37 isnt great thats the poll for adults i wanted to see what kids thought. So we stopped children on the street and asked how is the president doing. Their answers went exactly like this. How do you think trump has done in his first year in office . Great. What do you think hes done thats so great . To save the world. To save the world . From what . From harmony. [ laughter ] you think donald trump has done a good job in his first year as president . No. Why not . Because he wants to put a wall over mexico and i like, love going to mexico. Whats the first thing you think of when i say donald trump. Small fingers and little face. Whats the worse thing hes done . Um, i think he needs to stop threatening north korea. Why . Because i dont want to get nuked. Whats the first thing you think of when you hear donald trump . Pictures. Pictures of what . Of princesses. Do you think hes smart . No. Why not . He treats people badly thats why i dont think hes smart. Whats one nice thing you can say about donald trump . He has kind of cool hair, i think. He has cool hair, whose is cooler his or yours . Mine. Donald trump has a lot of nicknames for people like crooked hillary, rocket man do you have a nickname for him. Poop face. Mr. Tiny hands. Cheato. Can you do an impression of him. Its gonna be great. We are gonna build a wall and it will be huge. I will build a wall. A big one. China, china, china. [ laughter ] can you give us an impression of the president for us. Youre fired [ cheers and applause ] jimmy that was great. Were going to take a break. When we come back i have a special award show just for President Trump so stick around well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] its absolute confidence in 30,000 precision parts. Or it isnt. Its inspected by mercedesbenz factorytrained technicians. Or it isnt. Its backed by an unlimited mileage warranty, or it isnt. For those who never settle, its either mercedesbenz certified preowned, or it isnt. The mercedesbenz certified preowned sales event. Now through february 28th. Only at your authorized mercedesbenz dealer. New year, new phones for the family. Join tmobile, and when you buy one of the latest samsung phones get a Samsung Galaxy s8 free. Plus, unlimited family plans come with netflix included. So, you can watch all your netflix favorites on your new samsung phones. Join the uncarrier and get a Samsung Galaxy s8 free. All on americas best unlimited network. Its not just a coaster you know. Its an invitation jim beam on the rocks the bourbon thats been making history since 1795 invites you to make some of your own new kelloggs chocolate frostmmmflakes. Chocolatey mmm mmm mmmmmm yeah, chocolate chocolatey. Crunch into chocolatey grrreatness. Theyre grrreat doto be our next spokesperson . M hes so boring. Hm. Sounds like youre on the fence. Why dont i just leave you my resume . Yes, its laminated. No thanks. Youre hired try caramel m ms. Ow. Coming at you with my brandnew vlog. Just making some ice in my freezer here. So check back for that followup vid. This is my cashew guy bruno. Holler at em, brun. Kicking it live and direct here at the fountain. Should i go habanero or maui onion . Should i buy a chinchilla . Comment below. Did i mention i save people 620 for switching . Chinchilla update got that chinchilla after all. Say what up, rocco. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight on the show music from maroon 5 jason jones is here. Last night President Trump gave out his first ever awards for fake news. What a great job. I thought it would be a whole presentation instead tweeted a link to list of awards on gop. Com unfortunately the link didnt work for an hour so this is what people got when they clicked on the awards it looked like the awards might be fake news themselves. But the big winner was cnn. New york times, times, news week and our network abc each picked up an award apiece. Very thoughtful for the president to hand out awards to the media, dishonest awards but still since he did it to us i think only fair to extend the same honor to him so tonight the first annual dishonest corrupt president awards. [ cheers and applause ] thats right. And the first award is for best for fabricated numbers. Nominees are. The number of illegal voters. 3 to 5 million voters . Could be that much. Time magazine covers ive been on their cover 14 or 15 times i think we have the alltime record in history of time magazine. And Donald Trumps net worth. Im over 10 billion. And the winner of the award for best fabricated numbers is illegal voters. [ cheers and applause ] and accepting on behalf of illegal voters our very own guillermo. Guillermo . [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Jimmy youre welcome. Our next category is least convincing display of love. And the nominees are. Women. I love women, i cherish women. His children. I love my children. I love my children. And the mexican people. I love the mexican people. And the award for whatever that was is mexican people. [ cheers and applause ] accepting on behalf of the mexican people [ cheers and applause ] guillermo. Gracias. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy next. The award for best selfproclaimed bestness. And the nominees are taxes. I understand the tax laws better than almost anyone. Jimmy the military. Theres no one bigger or better at the military than i am. Jimmy and words. I know words i have the best words. Jimmy and the winner is words. [ cheers and applause ] accepting the award on behalf of words please welcome the word, thanks [ cheers and applause ] thanks, thanks. And finally, the big award of the night, Outstanding Achievement in obama fan fiction. And the nominees are, kenya. His grandmother in kenya said oh, no he was born in kenya and i was there and i witnessed the birth. Jimmy islam. He doesnt have a birth certificate now he may have one but theres something on there maybe religion, maybe it says hes a muslim. Jimmy and isis. President obama. Hes the founder, hes the founder of isis. Hes the founder. He founded isis. Jimmy and the winner is, isis is the winner. [ cheers and applause ] accepting on behalf of isis the leader of isis, abu bakerabu da di. Thank you for this award. I have been thinking of it since a was a little boy. And to infidels [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you. Congratulations to all our winners. Especially the biggest winner of them all our President Trump wow. One more thing its thursday night. Time to bleep and blur. Shouldnt someone kill him hes right there. Its this week unnecessary censorship. I didnt ask this question so i could be wrong but i would say he [ bleep ] four or five [ bleep ] a night. Bottom line this is a president who wants to be [ bleep ]. I remember vividly as a nineyearold sitting in the kitchen getting my [ bleep ] by my uncle. I think we should all stop [ bleep ] during cold and flu season. We hope this experience gives north korea and its athletes a small taste of [ bleep ] and that rubs off and something that spreads. Will the president [ bleep ] on the wall. I want to make a good impression im getting my [ bleep ] today. Its a beautiful blast of [ bleep ] in your mouth. So one item on bettys bucket list that is [ bleep ] robert redford. Tries to [ bleep ] the actor every year but fails to do so. Allow me to demonstrate by [ bleep ] on your [ bleep ]. I i approve of that. [ cheers and applause ] tonight on the show music from maroon 5 jason jones is here and well be right back with adam levine. Cheer [ cheers and applause ] with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. in the lincoln continental. And at kay, he designs for the hollywoods bstar in your life. This ring was inspired by an art deco design that goes back 100 years. At kay. The numberone Jewelry Store for. Yes. Every kiss begins with kay. Gives skin the moisture it needs and keeps it there longer with lockin Moisture Technology skin is petal smooth after all, a cleansers just a cleanser unless its olay. You doing your taxes . Yeah. Why are you using turbotax . Hm . Well h r block more zero lets you file online for free, even if you itemize deductions. Turbotax doesnt do that. Oh man. H r block more zero lets you file online for free. Get your taxes won. Let me explain what hard to get means, she was playing hard to get, you were just not getting. Lyrics oohoo child lyrics things are gonna get easier. Lyrics oohoo child, lyrics thingsll get brighter. Lyrics oohoo child lyrics things are gonna get easier. Lyrics oohoo child, lyrics thingsll get brighter. More and more student debt is keeping people from doing what they love. horn sound like buying a home. knocking sound traveling. Even getting married. At Citizens Bank we can help you refinance both your federal and private student loans. So you can start saving and get on with your life. Ask a leader in Student Lending how we can help you reach your potential. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome, tonight from the show, the detour which can be seen on tbs jason jones is here. Then their album is called red pill blues maroon 5 from the mercedesbenz outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] next week we have new shows with zach galifianakis, lisa kudrow, viola davis, antonia thomas, sarah hyland, rich eisen, Thomas Haden Church and aaron paul with music from tuneyards, ajr, bahamas, and lanco. So please join us next week. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is a grammy awardwinning musician on an emmy winning tv show and, in my opinion, the sexiest of all the sexiest men alive. This album by his band maroon 5 is called red pill blues. Please welcome adam levine [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i want to say i know youre a lot more fashionable than i am but it looks like there was a fire in the middle of the night and you put on whatever was closest. Thats exactly what a was going for. Jimmy and youve been to the beauty party as well. I have. Stress really. Jimmy before you do Something Like this, before you dye your hair, which is a big step to take, do you run it by your life or check with anyone, for me it would be a huge thing to dye my hair. Yes, the short answer is my wife loves it when i do it. Jimmy she does . I ran it by her because i want her to want to jimmy i see. Right. So of course but like, why would you do anything that would, now he, put you in a less than advantageous position when it comes to the person you want to sleep with you. You want that from them. Jimmy its a smart question. A question my wife often asks me. Why say Something Like that right before. And i dont know why. Just say nothing. Jimmy i wish that was an option. Just sit there and you know. Jimmy this is why youve impregnated your wife as well. [ cheers and applause ] you have a 16 month old daughter. I do. Jimmy and you have a baby coming soon, right. Very, very soon, like any minute now, very close. Thank you. Jimmy if the baby were to come, like, right now, like hey i got to go to the hospital would the rest of the guys in the maroon 5 would the show go on without you . Oh, would they do it without me . Jimmy yeah. No. For obvious reasons. Jimmy like jump in this is show biz we got to make it happen. One reason it wouldnt happen because valentine would have to step up and sing and he doesnt know any of the words, to this day after 20 years. Jimmy so the baby comes youre out of there. Guillermos singing. Show is over. Jimmy how did you do in the delivery room the first time. Yes, i was definitely in the delivery room the whole time. I received a tip from carson daily. Jimmy okay. You know televisions carson daily. Thats the guy. Jimmy ive known carson since he was 12 years old so the idea of him giving advice on anything. Well he has like 400 kids. Jimmy yeah. He said i have to eat something. Remember to eat. A large percentage of new dads when wifes in labor they faint because they forget to take care of themselves to nourish their body with food. I dont know that is true. It sounded pretty official the way he told me. Jimmy i do know men do pass out in the delivery room regularly. A hell of a way to start as a dad. A horrible vibe. Jimmy not the pillar of strength she was hoping for. Jimmy was it good advice . It was good advice but can be used, misused so i go to craigs the restaurant im like i got eat a lot of food because otherwise i will faint. This is super embarrassing i see myself telling the story and regretting it. But i got a lot of food. Craigs is so sweet he brought a lot of food. He was so excited. Like, giving us this huge bag of food to the house, cheese burgers, pizzas and comfort food and i started going at it. What i discovered about myself is im a nervous eater. So all throughout, she was going throughout labor throughout the day. It was very slow. Was beautiful. I zenned out. I became a different person. Im not this guy. I actually went a different direction. I was eating a lot though. So by the time we got to the hospital i put back an unbelievable amount of food so i basically am bursting at the seams like im going to [ bleep ] my pants like theres no other way i can tell you this. But like also my wife is, is, in labor so its the lamest thing to be when youre wife is going to be having a baby and youre like i got to take a [ bleep ]. Jimmy yeah my stomach hurts. Thats in no way a viable complaint and so you got to keep it in inside literally and figuratively i didnt want to go to the bathroom and come back and the babys out. And i miss the whole thing. Jimmy would be funny as hell but brutal. So i waited. Doubled over in pain and finally the baby came. It was beautiful and amazing. S