After that, bring down the christmas piano. Its a baby grand, and its full of mice. [katie humming] hey, whats this . You told me to make chocolate reindeer poops. Oh, boy. I thought we covered this. Okay, poop is logs twix, tootsie rolls, toblerone if its a bigger animal does it really matter, mom . Whats the big deal . Whats the big deal . Yeah. Did you hear that, chris . Oh my god she wants to know what the big deal is. Its christmas thats the big deal [upbeat news broadcast music] what are you guys doing . Were writing Christmas Cards to our family and extended family and friends and frenimies and frenamilies thats frenemy family no, i mean why are you sending paper Christmas Cards . Just use that app that searches your contacts and makes personalized christmas videos for you. Merry christmas im so blessed to have you in my life, and i was so happy to hear about your. [computer voice] recent death. Well, i just got off the phone with my exwife darlene. Shes going on vacation, and she wants me to take our son, petey, for the holidays well, thats nice. Yeah, if nice stands for nothing in commonestranged. I havent seen the little guy in years i mean hes a good boy. Very precocious, so sharp. I mean his teeth. So who wants to babysit . Good morning i have an exciting announcement the network has been so happy with our show, they are giving us a special gift for the holidays. Ooh. What well be getting is to work on christmas [groaning] you are a grinch, and its not just because you wear curly shoes. Theyre tom ford, and i regret buying them yeah, greg you cant cancel christmas and all the pressure and impossible standards that come with it i have plans. Im supposed to be promoting my new diet book, eturn the book, because the diet requires you to eat it. If we have to work, i guess ill just promote it on the show. Oh, katie. What are we gonna do . I dont know, mom. Our perfect christmas is ruined. Its truly ruined ugh [o come all ye faithful plays] its beautiful [phone ringing] youre chipper, considering its christmas and i just picked el gringos sushi vat for lunch. But thats exactly why. Because we have to work, my mom cant make christmas perfect. Which means i can finally let go of this stress ball ive been holding on to all december. [gasps, whispers] i compressed it into a diamond well, maybe it wont be perfect, but it can still be nice. Like i was saying yesterday, if we cant be home for christmas, we can have a Little Christmas here. [giggles] wait, who were you saying that around . Uh. Couple of people. Justin, gene. Jizzburt. Did you say that in front of my mother . Did you fill my mother with the Christmas Spirit . [elevator dings] i have been filled with the Christmas Spirit if we cant be home for christmas, then we can bring christmas here in this box, and in many others still in my car and in cabs i paid to follow me, are all the things we need to celebrate. Now, its gonna take a little bit of teamwork and a lot of actual work wayne, im gonna need you to bake a Gingerbread House and make it look exactly like this building. Beth, i need you to help me drag in the tree. Trees and i are not speaking right now. Justin, you can be santa claus, because. I know why. And actually, ive been going to Weight Watchers for a year, so thats hurtful. And katie, i have a very special job for you. Oh, is that how youre gonna do it . Wait, how did i mess it up already . You didnt even tell me what im doing well, im off to the train station to pick up my son. Last chance, folks whoever volunteers gets to drive my buick lesabre. So it gets really hot anyone . Ill do it. Oh, great listen, if he tries to bite you, just shake a jar of change at him. Hes my bundle of joy. Katie, im gonna need you to help my boss in a location where you cant reach me . Im on it, mom [o come all ye faithful last notes] now boarding on track three, the new Jersey Transit trenton express departing at 10 57. Hey there. Are you petey . Your dad said youd be wearing a dinosaur jacket. Are you my ride . Why are you talking to this kid, you sicko . Oh, come on. Youre petey . Yep, and youre a seven. Give me my minions balloon. [bright music] hes a nascar champion whos shes a worldclass swimmer whos stared down the best in her sport. But for both of them, the most challenging opponent was. I had to learn all i could to help protect myself. My doctor and i choose xarelto® xarelto®. To help keep me protected. Xarelto® is a latestgeneration blood thinner. Thats proven to treat and reduce the risk of dvt and pe blood clots from happening again. In clinical studies, almost 98 of patients on xarelto® did not experience another dvt or pe. Heres how xarelto works. Xarelto® works differently. Warfarin interferes with at least six bloodclotting factors. Xarelto® is selective. Targeting just one critical factor, interacting with less of your bodys natural bloodclotting function. Dont stop taking xarelto® without talking to your doctor as this may increase risk of blood clots. While taking, you may bruise more easily, or take longer for bleeding to stop. It may increase your risk of bleeding if you take certain medicines. Xarelto® can cause serious, and in rare cases, fatal bleeding. Get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising, or tingling. If youve had spinal anesthesia, watch for back pain or any nerve or musclerelated signs or symptoms. If you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. Tell your doctor before all planned medical or dental procedures and before starting xarelto® about any conditions, such as kidney, liver, or bleeding problems. Youve got to learn all you can. To help protect yourself from dvt and pe blood clots. Talk to your doctor about xarelto®. Theres more to know. Action. Deck the halls oh yes we bring your family amazing value every day. T. J. Maxx. Marshalls. Homegoods. Family is the greatest gift. Its last gift time. A Google Home Mini this voice controlled digital assistant helps set the mood and make every game night a winner. Thanks to the Expert Service and selection only at best buy open this last. My dbut now, i take used tometamucil every day. Sh it traps and removes the waste that weighs me down, so i feel lighter. Try metamucil, and begin to feel what lighter feels like. I think it might be making my suitcasescoliosis come back. Quickwhat letter does my spine say . Oh, its heavy cause its filled with my latest entrepreneurial venture dude wine. Its wine for dudes. Eh, never mind. Its too hard to explain. Oh, hey theres your dad. Hello, son. Dad. Remember that old game we used to play . Wait, where are you going . I have a lot of work to do. But dont you want to spend time with your you two bond. I dont want to be a third wheel. But let me know if you need pizza money its like im 11 years old again. Try to spend christmas with my dad, and he pawns me off on one of his whores. Okay. Well, im sure hes got something planned for you two guys after the show. No way he doesnt want to spend time with me. He never did. Hey, you want to get drunk . Ive got 40 bottles of dude wine. [hammering] you know what . What the hell. Cool. Uh, hello . Why is no one doing their jobs . We are. Were rehearsing the show. No, your christmas jobs carol, i know its not fun to work on christmas, but we do in fact have to work on christmas. We cant help you. You are the one who told me i could bring the spirit of christmas here. I mean normal stuff a wreath, hot cocoa from the keurig when we order lunch, perhaps we get a pie. Well, i just wanted to make Christmas Special for my work family. Were coworkers, carol. Not a family. End of story. Fine. Then katie and i will do it ourselves. Thats basically what happens every year anyway, because dave always has to volunteer at the soup kitchen. [trailing notes of o, come all ye faithful] im sure you think i developed dude wine to make 1 billion and revolutionize society, but you want to know the real reason . Did it to impress my dad. Finally hear those words every kid wants to hear cool beans, son i know how that goes. Every christmas, my mom drives me insane. I do everything that she asks, and nothing is ever perfect enough. There you are what do you need, mom . Everything not to put pressure on you, but everybody flaked, so i need you to go to the candle store right now, or ill die all right, what kind of candles do you want me to get . Like pine scented . Its christmas, not arbor day vanilla . Look, mom, why are you like this . Why do i want christmas to be perfect for my daughter . No, this is not for me. It has never been. You think that year that you made me pose with a real reindeer for the Christmas Card was for me . He humped my head, mom what are you saying . Im saying i dont wanna be your christmas lackey i would rather spend the day listening to this guy brag about his strategy for playing craps. Actually, i said i have a strategy for taking craps, but whatever. Fine, if thats the way you feel, then ill just do it myself that was too harsh. No, that was badass. She was all like, do my stuff and you were like, suck this, bitch. Boosh you know what . Thats what im gonna do to my dad. Didnt feel as good as i thought it would. Well, thats because you used words. You see, im going to use physical violence. Now, i promised sensei tyler that i would never use the punch of the phoenix on a human man, but youre right, katie. My dad deserves it. No, no, no, no, no deck the tree without a ladder aah carol . I dont need your help i got the star on top of the tree, and then i did a cool jump. Im fine then whats that . Ooh oh, thats me tonight you will be visited by three spirits. Oh, gin, vodka, and tequila, i hope. Ha ha ha. I am so bad. Anyway, what is this . You will be visited by the ghosts of christmas past, present, and future. Wait, its like im going to be in that movie . Wait, what is the name of that movie . Oh, gosh. Okay, wait a minute. Okay, theres a guy counting coins, but he wouldnt help teeny tom. Oh, come on. The muppets did a good one, and ace ventura did a bad one. You know what im talking about, its christmas its a christchristmas carol yeah, whats up . Yeah. Its raining men the weather girls its almost christmas dad. Hi. Hi. Wendys double stack is back in the 4 for 4, with a quarter pound of fresh never frozen beef. Which means you can get the double stack, the junior Bacon Cheeseburger or Crispy Chicken blt. With four nuggets, fries and a drink, all for just 4. Thats a deal so good, it cant be beat. Only at wendys. But not for long merci, my coworker, ms. Walker. You inspire me to be the best teacher that i can be. I would not be half the educator that i am without you. Say thank you with merci. The thoughtful collection of european chocolates. Merci, ms. Walker. I remember the warmth and the wonder. Twinkling lights mixed with the scent of spruce. And now, my chance to relive it all. Magic. We have a fragrance for that. Glade limited edition fragrances. [mysteriou music] are you the ghost of christmas past . I am, and im going to take you back to a time long, long ago. Before i or anyone i respect was even born. 1996. Oh, come on. [bells ringing] wow, where have you taken me . Are we on the set of General Hospital . Can i have a walkon role . But i wont do a sex scene. Okay, fine, if its important to the story. No, ive taken you to katies favorite christmas. Katie and i were going to wait up for santa, and dave dressed in a red suit was gonna come down the chimney, but unfortunately, i forgot the plan, and i lit a fire. Oh, man. Dave really ruined christmas that year. But look how happy katie is. No pressure on her, or you. Oh come on. This couldnt have been katies favorite christmas. It sucked it may not have seemed perfect to you, but it was to katie. Because everything she needed was already in this room. No lesson learned. Next ghost, please uh, hi are you okay . Have you talked to petey . Yes, at least 30 times since he was a baby. Okay, well you should probably talk to him now, because hes looking for you, and hes pretty upset. What . Why . Well, chuck, he came all the way out here to spend christmas with you, and you ignored him. You spent more time talking to that dolphin we had on the show to dunk a basketball dunker actually just sent me a very funny, very wet postcard. Youre peteys dad, chuck. Be a little nice . Just pretend to be proud . Pretend . Why should i have to pretend . Hes the most amazing kid in the world wait, what . Petey is my pride and joy ive saved everything hes ever done look, this Water Filtration system won first place at the High School Science fair. Petey stole it from the nerd that made it, and turned it into an amazing bong oh. And heres the courtroom sketch from his public urination trial acquitted, by the way thats great oh, and have you tried dude wine . He sent me a bottle the second i tasted it, you know what i said . Well, nothing to him, but you know what i said to dunker . Phenomenal product invented by a phenomenal man. Petey has no idea that you feel this way, chuck. Why dont you just tell him . Tell him . Dads dont tell their sons theyre proud. Thats like the main thing that dads do. Well, my dad never did it. He worked constantly on the farm, and he avoided me like the plague. His way of saying heres this watch that you were afraid i was going to hit you with. Now it is done just because you were raised that way doesnt mean that you cant do things differently with petey, but he has to hear that youre proud from you. Youre wrong. My dad never said that stuff to me, and look how successful and angry and divorced i turned out to be. [soft music] [lightly spooky music] greetings [gasps] oh im the ghost of holiday present. Holiday . No. I may not celebrate christmas, but that does not mean that i do not have wisdom to share. Pass. Oy. [pounding] hey, should we be worried about whats happening over there . Eh, its fine. He promised me hed wait to punch chuck until after the show, so. What, greg . Christmas isnt all fresh, white snow in the morning, okay . Sometimes its old, gray sludge in the gutter. Have you been drinking . Nope. Ive been eating this dude wine brogurt. Its christmas, and you know what that means time to buy your friends shady gifts, hinting that they need to lose weight. Portia control. This year, get a beach body you can be proud of. Proud of. Proud of. Proud of. [lightly teasing music] find it in bookstores or online id like to share a product as well. Uh. Dude wine its a great wine for dudes recently approved by the fda, the fred durst association. I support this product 100 Merry Christmas from all of us at the breakdown. Maybe christmas isnt sludge after all. Maybe its a snowy hill where father and son can forget the past and build a snowman of understanding. Oh god. Theyre gonna kill each other. Youre mad at me . This is what your babysitter told me you wanted yeah, maybe if you did it right you didnt even mention any of the kickass ingredients or the fact that each bottle is kissed by a playmate prepare for the punch of the phoenix, dad your body was made for Better Things than rheumatiod arthritis. Before you and your rheumatologist move to another treatment, ask if xeljanz xr is right for you. Xeljanz xr is a oncedaily pill for adults with moderate to severe ra for whom methotrexate did not work well. It can reduce pain, swelling and further joint damage, even without methotrexate. Xeljanz xr can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections, dont start xeljanz xr if you have an infection. Tears in the stomach or intestines, low blood cell counts and higher liver tests and cholesterol levels have happened. Your doctor should perform blood tests before you start and while taking xeljanz xr, and monitor certain liver tests. Tell your doctor if you were in a region where fungal infections are common and if you have had tb, hepatitis b or c, or are prone to infections. Xeljanz xr can reduce the symptoms of ra, even without methotrexate. Ask your rheumatologist about xeljanz xr. 60 of women are wearing the wrong size pad and can experience leaks discover always my fit. Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Wevery Holiday Celebration this season home or office, big or small, fancy or not so fancy is sure to end the same way. Visit us or order online at edible. Com today. Squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody we bring your family amazing value every day. T. J. Maxx. Marshalls. Homegoods. Family is the greatest gift. And an expert pitch man. O this i have endorsedfather unshredded wheat, rons toilet girds, and stanka, an instant coffee that takes forever well, what can i say . It wasnt enough petey, what is your problem . Youre so ungrateful whatever i didnt even want him to do it it doesnt matter if you wanted him to do it or not, he did it for you my god, you sound like oh no, you sound like me the babysitters right. Youre an ungrateful bastard oh my god, chuck, you suck too why cant you just apologize and hug . You want to know what hug spells backwards . Gun now im gonna punch you in the face punch, go howd you block that punch i Just Announced . Youre not the only one who subscribes to sensei tylers Youtube Channel punch block punch block punch block punch block punch block [both groaning, whimpering] im gonna try a move on you now that youve never seen before, im trying so hard to fight it off, but the only option i have is to retaliate with the same attack i cant tell if this is beautiful or stupid. Its both. I gotta go find my mom. Okay, you clearly just kissed the top of his head. Its a classic japanese mouth attack it hurt, do it again [both sobbing] hey, guys guys, has anybody seen my mom . Im afraid that she got upset and went home when nobody would help her. Her stuffs still here. Her coat, her purse, her. Patterned holiday cube. Its a christmas present, dude. How jewish are you . Wait, it says to justin, love, carol she got us all presents its a Weight Watchers approved chilean cookbook its a box set of call the midwife its a picture of my nemesis karlie kloss straining on a toilet yes identifying the father of my child oh my god my husband . Come on. Guys, just because carol got us presents doesnt mean we should all feel guilty. I mean [strains of deck the halls] i hurted mumsy. Oh my gosh, she did all of this for us, and we couldnt lift a finger to help