Self-imposed torture. if he was [ muted ] drunk, it would be a lot easier to understand. the toxicology report said he was clean and sober. i think it was a clear decision. it was a momentary lapse. and i don t think he weighed the pros and cons. he had just made it through that night, you know. we were trying so hard to understand because we think if we can understand it then we ll be okay with it. and the fact of the matter is, no. i don t think we get to know. i don t think we get to know. that s tough. well, i don t know where he is right now. he let me me down. ....