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It is very striking. do you really think, and of course, we're going back sort of three years now, you've had time to reflect on it, do you think you really did go mad for a while? yeah, i think so. and it really made me understand how i'm sometimes a bit puzzled by grieving people, by these odd surges of anger or odd failure to grasp what, to me, would be an obvious reality. and i realise now that your perception, your cognition, all that stuff goes a bit a bit haywire. the one thing in it that kind of is solid, is the experience of other widows and widowers. so that was really good. i didn't...

I wanted people to walk alongside people who'd been through the same thing. just say, what was it like for you? that was the stuff that was kind of solid. i wonder if you still feel lost in a way, because you've done lots of important things since david died. you've moved, the village you were rooted in as the vicar of the parish with david, your partner, living in the vicarage with you. that was such an important part of your married life. and now you're not there. you've gone somewhere different and you've left behind so much that linked you to him. yeah. i mean, ifeela bit like a floating v...

Difficult to read in a way. why have you done it? well, i thought if i'm going to do this, i'm going to do this. so i thought, full, there's never full disclosure, but i thought as much disclosure as i can. i got permission from david's family. i was going to say, because, you know, you're writing about your husband, your life partner, but you're also writing about somebody�*s son, somebody�*s brother. yeah. so i got their permission to do it. and partly it was because... ..i wanted to tell the story, actually, and partly because i thought it might be good for other people who were going t...

But that's a trade off, i think. is this a project that has integrity and honesty? is it valuable? well, if you think so, yes, then you do... the other thing is, you know, you bump into people in life. i learnt this with david, actually. we've had a very, you know, you bruise. you knock bits off. it's not always sweetness and light. and that, i think, needs to be part of the telling of the story. the anger that we referred to that you felt at times within your loving relationship has other layers to it, and i want to explore those. anger with the church, of which you were an important part. an...

So, i was terrified about that, of course, and occasionally would... the other thing is i've tried, you have to be the one who keeps things together, and also i was the vicar. so myjob is to be unflappable, to get people through moments of crisis. and i imagine you would have seen situations like that in other families. you had been in hospital bedside situations, you'd been counselling families in the most difficult situations. and yet, i guess, you also felt, "this is me." yeah. and i was powerless. and david, who was also ordained, but he was a medic before that, he'd worked in a&e. so thes...