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I lived the life of an addict to the fullest and i m embarrassed by it. drugs have had a hold on mcnee and bubanas since a young age and played a major role in their troubles with the law. when we re out there getting high alls we re thinking about is the next high, you know what i mean? scheming, plotting. what we ll do, how we re going do this, how we ll get that one. i m like jekyll and hyde when i m using, when i m not using, you put something in my system, all bets are off, i m just a total i m a different person. i m not a good person. i don t do good things. i m selfish. when we re in here and sober, we re not under the influence of any type of drugs, we re talking about our families, you know how we got do things different. you know what i mean? more productive. it s just a healthier relationship, you know? he s young. he don t have to you don t have to keep crashing into the same wall i ve been crashing ....
It s good recreation. he s a funny kid. keeps me laughing all day long. same routine almost 20 years. my grandmother used to call it life on the installment plan. ryan, unfortunately i have bad news, you re going to be doing life on the installment plan, is what she used to say to me. i used to hate that. i used to hate her say that. no i m not. no, i m not. i m doing life on the installment plan. this time, mcnee racked up eight charges, including possession of a firearm, assault and battery and unarmed robbery. he s pled not guilty to all charges and is awaiting trial. hey, do me favor, clean the tables when you re done and come by and give me some hot water, ....
All right? though he takes some friendly taunting from his brother, mcnee earns a dollar a day working as a runner. basically there is four of us, we serve food, trays, pass out uniforms, pretty much whatever we re asked to do we do we pretty much do around here. the job lets mcnee spend more time out of his cell which provides another benefit. better access to coffee. coffee in a place like this, if you re like me, it s very important. got to have my coffee. first thing on the list, coffee. nothing else to do but sit around work, play cards, drink coffee. he does about, i d say, eight to ten cups a day. tough habit to keep up with, the coffee habit. but on the outside, mcnee and his brother share far more dangerous addictions. on average day, i could spend anywhere from $300, $500 to $1,000 a day. on what? on heroin, cocaine. ....
I haven t really heard from him in a month. it is what it is. it s what he does. nothing i can say or do will change it. if i was out there i would probably be in the same position. i don t listen to nobody either. probably before i leave here he might be back here, who knows? mcnee is awaiting trial and if found not guilty, he could have his own chance at a life on the outside. like his brother, he will have to battle his drug addiction to avoid coming back to jail. i look in that mirror now, my hair is going gray, i m getting old. i m starting to feel the effects of the aging process, you know. my life s just i don t know where the past 20 years went. just went by like that. gone. when you re an addict, it don t matter where you go, no matter where you go, there you are, you re bringing same person with the same problem. you get the same addictive ....
He picked up, he was using, doing his thing. i haven t really heard from him in a month. it is what it is. it s what he does. nothing i can say or do will change it. if i was out there i would probably be in the same position. i don t listen to nobody either. probably before i leave here he might be back here, who knows? mcnee is awaiting trial and if found not guilty, he could have his own chance at a life on the outside. like his brother, he will have to battle his drug addiction to avoid coming back to jail. i look in that mirror now, my hair is going gray, i m getting old. i m starting to feel the effects of the aging process, you know. my life s just i don t know where the past 20 years went. just went by like that. gone. when you re an addict, it don t matter where you go, no matter where you go, there you are, ....