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He left, i walked him out to the car and helped him carry stuff, gave him a hug, rick hugged him before he left. >> no sense of conflict. >> when i got his phone back -- he was tired -- but when we got his phone back from the police. i checked. at 9:45 p.m. he was texting for the girl he was going to have a date with so he was excited. nine minutes later he texted me and said, i feel like it's all spiraling out of control and i'm going to -- i'm going to take my life, in nine minutes, he went -- >> it's like a switch. >> he went -- i was in a texting conversation with him then for the next hou...

In the end you believe he was correctly diagnosed eventually with something called -- >> borderline personality disorder? >> what is that? >> borderline personality disorder is a pervasive attachment, if you will, to mood swings, suicide ideation. it's a dysregulation of emotions. there's usually a lot of difficulty in interpersonal relationships. many times people who cut or burn themselves also have borderline personality. it's pervasive, meaning it's just really hard to deal with, but there is hope for it. >> it's hard to imagine all that i've researched on this with you and your family and...

Nothing can take that from my life. i know god is a loving god. the question is, it's like my children. my children have never doubted that i love them but they sometimes doubt my wisdom and they don't think i've made the right decision. not everything that happens in the world is god's will. everything that happens in the world, god allows, he permits. but because it couldn't happen without his permission. but we live in a world where there are free choices. if i choose to do wrong, i can't blame god for that. so god isn't to blame for my son's death. my son took his life. it was his choice. ...

Very strict and they worked. he couldn't get a gun legally. >> had he tried to do it legally? >> yeah. >> for a long time. >> he had tried- >> we're grateful the law has kept matthew from getting a gun as long as it did. >> but he kept trying. >> he wanted one as far as you're aware, for one purpose. >> only one purpose. >> to take his life. >> it would end it for him and he was so determined -- >> when did he finally get this gun? >> a month before he took his life. >> do you know how he got it? who he got it from? >> he told me -- he told me everything. he told me he found somebody on the in...

Excruciating emotional and physical pain. he just wanted the pain to stop. >> matthew was not afraid to die. he was afraid of pain. i remember 10 years ago, when he was 17, he came to me, sobbing and he said, daddy, he said, it's really clear, i'm not growing to get any better. we'd gone to the best doctors, hospitals, best treatments, therapists, prayer, everything you could imagine, good support and he says, it's real clear i'm not going to get any better so why can't i just die? i know i'm going to heaven, so why can't i -- he was not afraid to die. >> what did you say to him, rick? >> in t...