Who [bleeping] cares, token . I can never beat kyle now ill say it again [bleep] jesus [audience screaming] my ears are bleeding good job, dick head you lost the entire audience ah, [bleep] you, token, you black asshole ah oh eh [coughing] hmm, guess he got what he deserved. [coughing, wheezing] [bleep] you, eric the body of christ sleek, swimmers body all muscled up and toned the body of christ oh what a body, i wish i could call it my own lord almighty ive never been so enticed oh i wish i could have the body of christ the body of christ and welcome to the daily distancing show. Im trevor noah. It is thursday august 20th, and heres your quarantine tip of the day if you want to go hang out with friends outside because its safer, but now its also too hot, then heres an easy fix just stuff a frozen turkey in your shirt. Yeah, it will keep you cool and people will think youre pregnant and offer you their seat. Thats what i did. I was, like, here you go, maam. And then there was a dude with a turkey. Were friends now. Yesterday was day three of the Democratic National convention, filled with heavy hitters, Elizabeth Warren, hillary clinton, Kamala Harris, and that dude that married michelle obama. What was that guys name again . Lets do this, lets catch up on the highlights. Welcome to the daily distancing show. From trevors couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, the daily distancing show presents the Democratic National convention, electing americas first black president s friend. Trevor night three of the Democratic National convention was focused on women. Women fighting for their rights, women pushing for change, and women who dont want to say they told you so but they told you so. We also heard from Elizabeth Warren who delivered a speech from inside a school about the biden policies that would help families and working mothers. Now, if you paid attention, you would have noticed she also left a little easter egg for people in the background with letter blocks spelling out b. L. M. , which, if you think abit, the perfect rorschach test, because if youre woke it stands for black lives matter. If youre conservative it means blue lives matter. And in my mind it means beyonce loves me oh, my god beyonce loves me i knew it i knew it now this wasnt just womens night because it had a lot of women speaking. It was womens night because it highlighted the constant obstacles and challenges women have been fighting against for years, from reproductive rights to gun violence to Domestic Abuse which biden helped tackle with the violence against women act. It was a powerful and moving tribute to women across america that brought many people to tears. Theres always one guy trying to crash girls night but i dont think anyone mind it when it turned out to be this guy. I did hope for the sake of our country that donald trump might show some interest in taking the job seriously, that he might come to feel the weight of the office and discover some reverence for the democracy that had been placed in his care, but he never did. For close to four years, now, he has shown no interest in putting in the work, no interest in finding common ground, no interest in using the awesome power of his office to help anyone but himself and his friends, no interest in treating the presidency as anything but one more reality show that he can use to get the attention he craves. Donald trump hasnt grown into the job because he cant. Trevor wow, president obama i think youre being a little harsh here the mans only been in office for three years and seven months, give the dude some time to warm up but this speech wasnt just brutal, it was straight to the point. Not even being mean abit. Obama was just laying out why President Trump has failed in a real and honest way. I know hes too classy for this, but i think obama would make a great yeper. Vicenceos quality italian has no interest in making a decent meatball sub. So from obama to trumps former cabinet members to trumps own niece, everyone except trumps tailor says this guy hasnt grown at all. Although there were moments of hopefulness but the overall feeling was america was on the brink of death and this was the last chance to save it. It didnt feel like the usual things will get better speech, it felt more like a funeral for democracy. Basically four years of trump took obama from yes, we can to let us pray. So after everyone else had their turn, it was time for the big finale, the official nomination of Vice President ial candidate Kamala Harris and although kamala kicked off the nigh from what looked like backstage at a u2 concert, she finally got her moment at the end of the show. Greetings, america, that i am here tonight is a testament to the generation before me, women and men who believed so fiercely in the promise of equality, liberty and justice for all. I have fought for children and survivors of sexual assault, ive fought against transnational criminal organizations, i took on the biggest banks and helped take down one of the biggest forprofit colleges. I know a predator when i see one. My mother taught me that service to others gives life purpose and meaning. She probably could have never imagined that i would be standing before you now and speaking these words. I accept your nomination for Vice President of the United States of america. Trevor wow. I dont care what you say, man, that was one hell of a moment. The first blackwoman to be the Vice President ial nominee. I thought she gave a good speech. My favorite line was when she said i know a predator when i see one. It made me wish that she would catch a predator donald trump. Like he shows up at an arena expecting a rally but its just kamala inside with a camera crew. She throws his tweets on the table and was, like, did you write these messages . And then he starts to run away but remembers he cant. What i love about that line is it shows you how bad trump is. She didnt even need to say his name and we were sitting at home going, mmhmm, i know what predator shes talking about. I bet trump said, i can spot a predator, too. I aced that test. Lying tiger, cheating cobra and the biggest predator of all, robert mueller. She had to give a speech to an empty room. You cant have many people in one room even with a convention with corona. But our very own roy wood, jr. Knows someone who knows someone and he used that hookup to give us an inside look at the Convention Hall that very few get to see. Check it out. Were just about wrapped up with the Democratic Convention, and theres an actual Convention Event in real life in milwaukee. I have been jonessing for some hot convention imagining of years past, the spectacle, drinking, all the damn balloons falling from the ceiling. Because to have the rona, i wasnt able to go to milwaukee but figured out a way to be there. A man covering the d. N. C. For cbs. Finally got my eyes on the craziness thats d. N. C. In milwaukee. Tim, you are inside the d. N. C. Bubble, right there where the action is going on. I imagine its got to be crazy. Show mow meh whats going on. Let me see some of the crazy action thats happening right there where you are. Okay. Tim, flip the camera back around, man. Flip the camera. Where is that . Im at the d. N. C. Or some are called the d20. Trevor where are the people and why are you in an emptyass room . We are the people. Its the few reporters in here, some d. N. C. Staffers and thats about it, really. Trevor tell me where you are again. The chase center in wilmington, delaware. Trevor oh, my god. The shit is in milwaukee what are you doing in delaware . This is where joe biden will be delivering his acceptance speech here in delaware. silence all right, well, thank you so much. There he is. Thats tim, our inside source livet at the d. N. C. Convention in milwaukee. Delaware. I mean, wilmington, delaware. Just pretend youre in milwaukee, bro. Just shut be quiet, please. My bad, trevor. I thought he was going to have some footage for you, man. Trevor dont sweat it, roy, you tried. Thats what counts. Were going to take a short break so i can fire roy, but when we return, another trump associate may be headed to prison. Stay tuned to find out who. Wanna show you places in my mind wanna show you places in my mind uh, wewe be living for this im ready for this wanna show you places in my mind inside my mind wanna show you places in my mind inside my mind only lays has chips that taste so light. So airy. So crispy. One taste, and youre in love. Simon pagenaud takes tthe lead at the indy 500 iry. Coming to the green flag, racing at daytona. Theyre off. In the kentucky derby. Rory mcllroy is a two time champion at east lake. He scores stanley cup champions touchdown only mahomes. The big events are back and xfinity is your home for the return of live sports. Simon pagenaud takes the lead at the indy 500 coming to the green flag, racing at daytona. Theyre off. In the kentucky derby. Rory mcllroy is a two time champion at east lake. He scores stanley cup champions touchdown only mahomes. The big events are back and xfinity is your home for the return of live sports. And for all. 750 million genetically engineered mosquitoes released in the florida keys. Designed to test if theyre an alternative to spraying insecticides to kill the regular mosquito that carries several diseases. They have been altered to kill the female. Trevor scientists are engineering mosquitoes to kill off all mosquitoes. In any other year, i would be excited by the news but in 2020, why would you take the chance . Theyre going to let the mosquitoes loose and in a couple of weeks the scientists will come out, like, so, theres good news and bad news. And i also dont think they should be doing this experiment in florida. Because if something goes wrong and people act crazy, how would we know . The mosquitoes bit that guy and now hes trying to have sex with an alligator. He was doing that last week . Oh, okay. Im not saying we shouldnt try to get rid of mosquitoes because i hate them. But the one thing i will miss is when they fly next to your ear at night, because i always felt like i was getting a private al green concert, i o iii so y way, congratulations on the groundbreaking dance with nature. Moving from one bloodsucking parasite to another. Steve bannon, Donald Trumps former chief strategist and guy selling fake tickets outside the billy joel concert. Bannon left the white house in 2017 but remained popular in maga land, one thing hes used the popularity for is raising money to help trump build his beautiful perfect border wall. At least thats what he said the money was for. Turns out, maybe not. Breaking news this hour, the former chief strategist to the president has been arrested. Federal prosecutors in the Southern Districted of new york have indicted steve bannon for what they say the his role in defrauding hundreds of thousands of americans in connection with an online crowd Funding Campaign known as the we build the wall. The allegation essentially is steve bannon marketed this buildthewall scheme, collected donations from hundred hundredsf thousands of donors under the false pretense that this money will go to build a southern border wall. Instead what steve bannon and other defendants allegedly did was pocket that money, use it to pay for lavish lifestyles. Bannon apparently was arrested while on a 150foot yacht off the coast of westbrook, connecticut. He was arrested by investigators with the u. S. Attorneys office for the Southern District of new york and also with investigators with a us postal inspection service, the arm of the Postal Service that conducts financial investigations. Trevor i cant believe this another trump guy has been arrested after the aryan brotherhood and latin kings . The largest prison gang in america might be the former Trump Campaign officials. Everything about this story is insane. First of all, bannon was arrested on a 150foot yacht. I know everyone was innocent till proven guilt, but lets be real, anyone arrest opened a yacht, youre guilty. Also they said bannon was arrested by investigators from the post office. I dont know if its just me but i didnt know the poaf post offe had police sz. Where were they when the guys took my amazon package . Thats my vacuum the best part, why bannon was arrested, hes accusing of stealing money from people who thought they were donating to build trumps wall because you wouldnt want criminals sneaking into the country. Im interested to see how it plays out because the people who got ripped off now hate steve bannon, but they obviously really love trumper but trump loves steve bannon, so i think its going to end with trump getting those people to donate for bannons defense fund, but trump steals the money and moves to mexico which he can get to easily because theres no wall. In other news, for all the people worried the baseball season wouldnt be as exciting without the fans shouting offensive things, well, good news, the announcers are picking up the slack. A baseball broadcaster is removed mid game for using a homophobic slur. Cincinnati reds announcer Tom Brenneman was in the top of the seventh when his home mic picked up an antigay slur. Fag capitals of the world. Brennan unaware he was on the air plugged a reds plea game show. Reds presented by ray st. Clair roofing. He later apologized. I made a comment that i guess went out over the air that i am deeply ashamed of. Pausing mid apology to call a home run. Pride myself and think of myself as a a man of faith as theres a drive in the deep left field that will be a home run, and, so, that will make it a 40 ball game. I dont know if im going to putting on this head set again. Trevor damn. Okay. First of all, who stops in the middle of an apology to call a home run . My man, an apology is like an orgasm. If you interrupt it, the whole thing is ruined, and this brenneman guy is right, he may not put on a headset again. There are a lot of jobs out there where people explain things currently happening. Maybe couples counseling . Hes withholding his affection, hes not letter her in and shes out of there this means theres a baseball job opening and id like to throw my hat in the ring. A few lines for mu audition hes out hes safe whoa, nellie, its out of there oh, no, theres a lion on the field, somebody stop opinion oh, no, the lion is coming right at the announcer box ah tell my wife i love her i home you consider my application. My final story is about netflix, the reason you dont have to buy Airline Tickets to watch british people bake things. If you cant decide what to woch on netflix, just watch my special again and, second, youre about to get help. Netflix just made it easier for indecisive viewers like myself to pick something to watch. The streaming service is test ago shuffle play feature. The shuffle play will pick content based on your viewing history or play list, but the new feature actually goes a step further, it plays the selection, and if you dont like what you see, you can just skip ahead to the next title. Trevor netflix has done it again. Do you know how much of my life ive lost trying to pick a show . Because everything on netflix is both interesting and not interesting enough. Its like if the democratic president ial clants were tv shows, and you know this whole choosing for you is a great idea. Other apps should do this, like tinder. Youre busy on this thing the whole time, and enough swiping. Youre going on a date with larry. I know hes a birthday clown but hes a nice guy. We have to take a quick break. When we come back, we introduce america to a man named joe biden. Stick around. Born free, as free as the wind blows, as free as the grass grows. Born free to follow your heart. Live free and beauty surrounds you, axe. Smell ready. The world still. They either leak or feel like a diaper. Axe. Smell ready. But have you tried always infinity flexfoam . Its the only pad made of flexfoam not fluff so it works differently. Flexfoam continuously pulls fluid away from your body, so the top stays dry. And unlike other pads it locks fluid away along the bottom layer. So you cant even feel it. Even on heavy days. Flexfoam absorbs 50 more, thats 7x more than you may need. And it doesnt bunch. Zero leaks and zero feel is possible with always infinity flexfoam kamala we can stop him. Bruce i believe that we are dangerous. Kamala the avengers were set up. Abomination all units, find the girl. Kamala your differences are your greatest super power. Kamala arent you going to say the thing . Cap what . Kamala avengers assemble. Rated t for teen. Playstation atthe perfect schmearnow of cream cheese. The recipe we invented over 145 years ago and me. The worlds best, and possibly only, schmelier. Philadelphia. Schmear perfection. The daily distancing show. So all this week, the Democratic Convention has been airing short films, making the case for why joe biden should be the president of the United States. And just to be helpful, we also made a short film for that about joe biden. For some reason, they didnt want to run it. So well show you instead. America is living in a nightmare. A devastating pandemic and an economy in tatters, a culture lost and adrift. Guess what, mother ~bleep and overseeing it all, a president who threatens to tear the country apart at its seams. Our nation cries out for a great man of history to lead us out of the darkness. But since we dont have one, lets go with this guy. We hold these truths to be selfevident, all men and women created by the you know the thing. Joe biden, acceptable under the circumstances. Joe biden was born in 1942 in pennsylvania, a state in america. Then his family moved to delaware, another state in america. Its not the most exciting story for a president , but, you know what it is . Constitutional sufficient. After a childhood doing whatever you do in delaware, joe went on to attend the university of delaware and the Syracuse University school of law, two schools that are near the top of their states geographically. No, they havent harvard but they were fine. I mean, hes going to be able to read an intelligence briefing. And armed with this perfectly adequate education, joe biden was elected to the United States senate in 1972, where he spent the next 36 years building a perfectly adequate record. Some good stuff, some bad stuff. Overall, a solid b minus. Yeah, maybe he shouldnt have worked with segregationist to oppose busing. Kamala was right, it was a big mistake. You know who got over it . Kamala so if shes cool wit, whats your problem . Besides, you know what mistake he didnt make . Partying with Jeffrey Epstein at maralago. So lets outoverthink this one, okay . The point, is throughout his political career, joe biden never went off the rails. In fact, this guy loves rails. Im the biggest railroad guy youve ever known. Hes known as amtrak joe. Amtrak joe. Biden has made more than 7,900 round trips to washington, d. C. Yes, amtrak joe loves his choochoos. Now, is it the most normal thing for an adult man to think trains are that cool . Not really. But so what . The guy wants more trains. Its not like he wants to nuke hurricanes. Hes not out here trying to buy green negreenland, for christs. We can live with trains. Throughout his career in public service, joe biden served the people with honor, integrity, and sometimes free massages. Seriously, his biggest scandal was plagiarizing part of a speech once. Can you even imagine that being a scandal today . I. D. Kill for a scandal like that today. At least with plagiarism, you know the guy can read. But joe bidens greatest achievements came as the 47t 47th Vice President of the United States where he served alongside barack obama thats right, your favorite president , the savior of the economy, the hero of healthcare, Nobel Peace Prize rine whicher and, oh, yeah, murderer of osama bin laden. Thats barack obama. Obama joe spent eight years as president obamas trusted righthand man, working so closely with him that soon even biden couldnt tell where he ended and obama began. An obiden bama democrat. His job prepared him for knowing which building the white house is. Once joe is inside the white house, he will lead America Forward with a bold, progressive agenda. Joe biden who told his big donors that nothing will fundamentally change if hes elected. Americans arent looking for evolution. No, i dont support defunding the police. Against medicare for all. Totally unrealistic. Elizabeth warren says shes going to prose a wealth tax. laughter boldish, or something. What matters is its not insane. And considering the shit storm were in right now, well take it. I havent been outside in six months. Look, heres the thing, joe biden isnt as inspiring as obama, he doesnt have the fearless vision of or the rhetorical gift of john f. Kennedy. My name is joe biden, i love ice cream. But what joe is, always has been and will be as your next president is not donald trump. Person, woman, man, camera, tv. So, come on, man come on, man. Come on, man. Come on come on and thats what makes joe biden acceptable, under the circumstances. Come on, man trevor sounds like a strong argument to me. When we come back, well talk to benders Bernie Sanders about what he wants his base to do in november. Stay t trevor welcome back to the daily distancing show. Earlier today, i spoke with former democratic president ial candidate senator Bernie Sanders. We talk about what joe biden needs to do to galvanize support among progressives and much more. Senator Bernie Sanders, welcome to the daily distancing show. Great to be with you, trevor. Trevor lets jump straight into it. I was drawn to this quote that im going to read where you were talking about the democrats and the coalition and you said i understand we do not agree with joe biden on all of the issues, believe me, i know that, i ran against joe biden. Then you went on to say but, at this moment, what we need to do is engage in Coalition Politics with the goal of defeating donald trump. Its an interesting way that you phrased that statement. Tell me why its important to say that to people who may support you . Donald trump, in my view, is the most dangerous president in the history of this country. Its not just that hes a pathological liar, which he is, its not just that he has rejected science, which, as you know, has resulted in the death of so many people in this country from the pandemic, its not just that hes a racist, a sexist, a hopeo phone or a xenophobe. Donald trump is working actively to undermine american democracy. So you are seeing what i call a united front, people of many different points of view. You have some honest conservatives who are saying, you know what, im a conservative, but weve got to get rid of this guy because he is just not what america is supposed to be about, and youre working with progressives. This is what Coalition Politics is about is to say i have differences of opinion i disagree with joe on some issues. I certainly disagree with john kasich on many issues. But were going to come together to defeat trump, and the day after biden is elected, were going to have a serious debate about the future of this country, but it will be done within the framework of a democratic society. Trevor youve always been somebody who says i understand the pain of those who have lost their jobs, whose jobs have gone overseas and not seen their pay raise at the level it should, theyve seen diminishing quality of life, they have been people to w. H. O. Voted for trump because they said this man is speaking to me. They say Bernie Sanders sort of speaks to me as well. With that said, how do you think you would talk to a voter who didnt vote for trump or rather voted for obama and then for trump and says, you know what, bernie, i just want a better life, how would you speak to them to try to get them to change their vote . Trevor, that is a great question, and there are millions of those people, and what i would say is i understand where youre coming from. I understand your disappointment in many respects with the democratic party, all right, who have not delivered the goods for you, whose policies in many areas have not been significant in terms of protecting working people. I got that, and youre right, okay. But then what i would say is you believed in trump when he told you he was going to stand for the working families. He is a fraud and a liar and youve got to see that. He told you that he would drain the swamp, and yet he has appointed more billionaires to his administration than any president in history. He told you he would provide healthcare to everybody. Remember that, trevor . Healthcare to everybody he is trying today, continuing his efforts to throw 32 Million People off the healthcare that they have. He said he would protect social security, medicare and medicaid. Take a look at his budgets massive cuts to medicaid, medicare and social security. Trump is a liar. He will say and do anything to get elected, but he is not to be believed, and i think if you look at his record, that becomes clear. Trevor lets talk a little bit about your favorite subject, billionaires. There is no denying that, during this pandemic, although many millions of people have been suffering, some of the richest people in the world have seen their net worths increase 200, 300, 400 percent. You have not been afraid to say that this needs to be reined in, you have not been afraid to go after the billionaires. How do you say to somebody, hey, if you become a billionaire, well tax you more. Because im sure you encountered these people who said, bernie, god bless jeff bezos, he made a lot of money and deserves all he gets. Do you think youre reshaping the American Dream or do you think people have to understand what the American Dream is . Trevor, i think a couple of points. First of all, when you say to the average american that weve got three people who now own more wealth than the bottom half of america, top one percent is earning 45 of all new income, and the effective tax rate that billionaires pay the real tax rate is less than what a working class person pays, people say, you know what, thats crap, thats wrong. So i think there is a lot of sympathy to say to the very richest people in this country you are doing as youve indicated phenomenally well, many are making out like bandits during the pandemic, you know what, you are going to have to pay your fair share of taxes so we dont have people sleeping out on the streets and kids who are going hungry. And i think the American People do support that. Ive always wanted to know, on a personal note because im conflicted as a human being, and i wonder if Bernie Sanders is, too, do you buy stuff off amazon and apple . Where does bernie get his supplies from if you need socks or random things . I am not my family is not too big into amazon and stuff, im not saying we havent. Mostly, we go to local stores. Do i have an apple ipad . I sure do. Its a very good product. And to that regard, what youre looking at are very Large Technology companies that control an enormous percentage of the mark, and i think weve got to take a hard need about hard look at the need to break them up, because were having a concentration of control in industry after industry. Trevor lets talk about the future of the democratic party. As you say, you know, many people hope that you are speaking the future into, you know, existence donald trump loses the election, there is now the jubilation of the possibility of a new world, but, you know, as a south african, i know this better than anyone, the hard work now begins. Where do you think America Needs to start . If you just said this is the beginning of where America Needs to start and it might be the hardest thing to do, what needs to happen in america . I think there are two things that we have to do, its what we call insideoutside politics. The outside politics is we have to continue to mobilize working people to stand up for their rights because, as you well know, coming from south africa, nobody gave the people of south africa freedom, they have to fight and struggle for it, and many died in that effort. So we need to mobilize the American People to stand up and say, we want economic justice, social justice, racial justice, environmental justice, we want a just society. So thats the outside strategy, putting pressure on government when millions of people stand up and fight. Inside strategy is we need an agenda. You cant be yelling and screaming unless you know what you want to do. And, you know, well be arguing about that agenda, but i have a pretty good sense of what its about. It is what the working families of this country desperately need. Look, theres something wrong when in the almost last 50 years, the average American Worker in terms of inflation counted for dollars hasnt seen a nickel increase in his or her wages, despite a huge increase in productivity. So all you have to do is sit down and say, okay, what do working families need . We need the guarantee that when so much work has to be done in america, rebuilding our infrastructure, childcare, education, healthcare, Climate Change, god knows millions and millions of jobs, guaranteed jobs to all people at a decent wage. Healthcare is a human right, education is a human right. Tell the billionaire class theyre going to start paying their fair share of taxes. Trevor let me leave you with this question, Bernie Sanders is in many ways a paradox. You lead a Huge Movement that is largely made up of young people. Some of your biggest allies in congress are the youngest, freshest faces in politics that weve seen, and yet you are what many people would term i wouldnt an old man. Some people would say you are an old man. I would love to know how that came to be because many people say the older you get, inevitably the more conservative you become and the country has been divided politically abiage, so what is it about Bernie Sanders that makes him connected to so many young people, and the followup is what would your advice to young people be in changing this country . To the second question, the first point i have to make to young people is i know many of you think politics is bullshit and you dont vote and you dont care. Please, please, for this election, you must, must come out and vote. This is the future of america. Its the future of your lives. Its whether were going to be a democracy, have decentpaying jobs, whether were going to protect the environment and combat Climate Change for your kids and your grandchildren. Look at whats happening in california as a result of Climate Change . Its only going to get worse. This guy in the white house today, he hasnt a clue. Hes on the wrong side of everything. You must vote, and if your friends tell you that youre dumb, why are you getting involved, look him in the eye and tell them that you believe in democracy, you believe in justice and you want to see a better america. Thats number one. Number two, on a personal level, i have found, trevor, that its an amazing thing because your point is right, i find myself closer emotionally to many of the younger people who are coming in to congress, people like alexandria or rashida or ilhan, and many others, and despite the fact that we not only have an age difference, we come from different places, you know. Ilhan grew up in somalia. Alexandrias family is puerto rican. Rashidas family is palestinian. But we share a common deep belief in