[cheers and applause] jon hey come on [cheers and applause] show time welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart. We have a fabulous show for you tonight. You know what im not going to do tonight . Im not going to overthink it, honestly, im just going to come out here like pacino at the oscars, mumble a few words, eventually youll figure out what i was getting at. Its fine the big event we need to talk about is the oscars of politics the state of the union address. Last thursday night. Joseph raisinette biden the 12th [cheers and applause] he had the unenviable task of having to lay out his vision for the nation, whilst also demonstrating that he is not too old, not too tired to be the president of the united states, and that he wouldnt rather just die thousands of balloons to the white house and head to paradise falls. [laughter and applause] and so, President Biden entered the House Chamber navigating through our divided congress, and barely, barely, barely getting past the bridge troll who guards the podium. What say you, sir . I say to the american people, when america gets knocked down, we get back up. My message to president putin, who ive known for a long time, is simple we will not walk away. Banning books its wrong i say, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Pass universal background checks send me the border bill now the state of our union is strong and getting stronger. [crowd chanting four more years] jon which one of you pricks wants to fight . Put up your dukes biden is back, baby i know all that all the haters have been out there, talking they are shit he is too old, he is too weak, he wont be able to make it, he is i see you haters. I know who you are really. You know, we said in rehearsal, can you get me a prettier mirror . And boy, did they deliver. That is [cheers and applause] of course, by the way, the state of the union was just the democratic message. Board that message survive a concise and intelligent reb rebuttal . It happened on thursday. I should read the whole thing, though, i should. Would it survive a concise and intelligent rebuttal from the g. O. P. . Or whatever it was that alabama senator katie britt, to the kitchen, batman our families are hurting. Our country can do better. President bidens border policies are a disgrace. Mr. President , enough is enough. End this crisis and stop the suffering. We see you. We hear you. And we stand with you. Jon if you are going to stand with me, could you stand a little bit further away . I imagine one of her kids just came downstairs and was like, im sorry, mom, i just came down to get a bowl of cereal. I didnt realize you were losing your [bleep] mind. I will come back when the xannies kick in. Everyone has had a little bit of a go at senator britt because her rebuttal was objectively terrible, but there was one 11 moment in her rebuttal that did not get as much attention that i thought was quite interesting. We are the party of hardworking parents and families. So i am asking you, for the sake of your kids and your grandkids, get into the arena. Never forget, were steeped in the blood of patriots who overthrew the most powerful empire in the world. Jon two things. One who smiles when they say the line steeped in the blood of patriots . And number two, this is just one more entry in the republican mythology that they are the inheritors of the American Revolutionary tradition, that they somehow are more americany than nonrepublican americans. We are the party of the real american people. Real america where people work hard. Theyre patriotic. They dont want to transform america like the democrats do. This liberal bubble in new york or in california that dont understand where real americans are at. The democrat elite very simply hate america. Jon i dont think they hate america. They hate to room yogurt, is really yogurt is supposed to be very hot. Just out of curiosity, what is it about the Republican Party that makes it americaner than the rest of us . We are the party and the ideology of the constitution. Every decision that i make starts with asking this question, is this constitutional . I believe in this document. I carry it with me next to my heart because i refer to it daily. As we all know, the constitution starts with the three most important words outside the bible, we the people. The power of we the people. We the people. The constitution, we believe in it, they do not. [laughter] jon why did you [bleep] rip it up . That was your copy you said that thats what they do but you did it you ripped it up like, Sinead Oconnor is going, i believe in the pope rip oh, yes, it is an article of faith that republicans love the constitution. They give speeches in front of the constitution. They cover their bosses in the constitution they dress up like the people who wrote the constitution do you, communists . With your on constitutioned buses and zero cornered hats . That is why these patriots love donald trump, for he alone will restore the rule of law in our constitutional republic. Trumps lawyer claimed the president has a legal license to murder his american political rivals. [laughter] jon just going to check my [cheers and applause] i actually keep my heart next to my constitution. [laughs] that is how important. My hands are shaking im so nervous i dont see anything in here about assassinating your political rivals. Here it is, hold on. Oh, yes. It says the president must faithfully execute well, i think we are done here. Sorry, the laws of the land. Never mind. I dont want to be a nitpicker, but i do not remember the assassination episode of schoolhouse rock. Under the constitution, wouldnt you get in some trouble for that . I feel that as a president , you have to have immunity. Very simple. Jon yes, it is the bedrock of american constitutional principle. The president must be above the law. Out of reach of the law look, forget the constitution. Accountability to the law of the land is basic magna carta shit. [cheers and applause] i keep a tiny magna carta in my you know what, sorry, this is just a flipbook. Hold on. [laughs] that dogs never going to catch that car. Maybe they like trump because hes more of a bill of rights guy. President trump attacking the First Amendment and freedom of the press. You take the writer and or publisher of the paper, a certain paper, you know. And you say, who is the leaker . National security. And they say, were not going to tell you. They say, thats okay, youre going to jail. And when this person realizes he is going to be the bride of another prisoner very shortly jon i believe it was Thomas Jefferson who once said, our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, though obviously as with any right, there is some wiggle room for nonconsensual ass [bleep]. Dont blame me. That is jefferson. He said that Thomas Jefferson. Look it up. Hold on. Let me get but that is the press. The press or the enemy of the people. How do trump feel about freedom of assembly . He says, cant you just shoot them . Just shoot them in the legs or something. And hes suggesting that thats what we should do, that we should bring in the troops and shoot the protesters. The commander in chief was suggesting that the u. S. Military shoot protesters, american protesters . Yes, in the streets of our nations capital. Thats right. Jon huh. Theyd still be free to assemble. Just the assembly would be more a pile, thats all. But thats just hearsay from trumps secretary of defense at the time. Look, how about the fifth amendment . Due process . Very simply, if you rob a store, you can fully expect to be shot as you are leaving that store. Jon what the [bleep] are we doing . [cheers and applause] you know, i am pretty sure that shooting a guy on suspicion of stealing a pair of khakis violates not only the constitution, but the ten commandments, and the gap employee handbook [laughter and cheering] all right. I promise you, that is the end of the things. Now we have had our fun, dancing around the former president s rather eccentric interpretations of our countrys founding documents. May i offer you something more explicit . I only want to be a dictator for one day. Jon just so you know, that is how it starts. Im not saying anybody has to do the arm salute [applause] lets just start with a few people doing the arm salute and we will see if the arm salute catches on. Ignoring the bill of rights. Tearing up the constitution. Pining for a brief stint as a dictator, well, that settles it. When the good, patriotic constitutionloving real americans here trumps disrespect and disdain for our sacred constitutional principles, they will be outraged. Donald trump, a dictator for 4 years. Speak of this country needs a dictator. I hate to say it, but its the truth. He could stand on the front steps of the white house and commit murder and i am with him. If he says it, then ill go with it, and if he wants to be a dictator, then so be it. Jon this is it the thomas nast cartoon, patriots festooned and american flags, cosigning dictatorship. Remember, we the people . You know, there is more words after that. Smaller font, still binding. Look, if you want to love trump, love him. Go to the rally is rallies, buy for sneakers. You want to give him absolute power, you want him to be the leader uber alles, you want him to have the right of kings, you do you. But stop framing it as patriotism. [cheers and applause] because the one thing you cannot say is that donald trump is borrowing the tradition of the founders. He is advocating for complete and total president ial immunity. His words, not mine that is monarchy shit. And it is your right to support it. But just do me a favor for historical accuracy. Next time you want to dress up at the rallies, where the right [bleep] colored codes. [cheers and applause] that is what you are and i just want to tell you this [applause] and i want you to know [whispering] we see you. We hear you. [whispering] when we come back, scholar Steven Levitsky will be joining me on the show. Stick around. [cheers and applause] next. Next. Stop. We got it . No. Keep going. Aga. [ sigh ] next. Next. If you dont pick one. Oh, you have time. Am i keeping you from your job. Next. I dont even know where i am anymore. Stop. Do we finally have it . Lets go back to the beginning. Are you. Your electric future. Customized. The fullyelectric audi q4 etron. the union of fruity, sweet gummy and tangy, crunchy nerds. Nerds gummy clusters. Unleash your senses. When your child starts getting into everything, you may need a little help. So duracell created the only lithium coin batteries with a bitter coating to help discourage swallowing. Liberty mutual customized my Car Insurance and i saved hundreds. Thats great. I know, ive bee telling everyone. Baby liberty. Oh baby liberty. How many people did you tell . Only pay for what you need. Jingle liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Baby liberty. Dad, dont forget about my new cleats. Sweetie, i cant make it to dicks this week. Have you heard of dicks. Com . Have i heard of dicks. Com . Girl lets go lets go have i heard of dicks. Com . screaming whoa. Dont overthink it. Lets go shopping. Actually what i need are some cleats. How about one of these . Great. Done. Anything else . No. Golf clubs . Not for me, for a friend. Yeah, yeah, of course. Anyone impressed with how fast that was . Yeah, totally i know, i went to dicks. My cleats thank you i love you wha. Ii went to dicks. Com. Ever heard of it . Girl 2 yeah, i told you about that. just the two of us we can make it if we try just the two of us just the two of us get two entrees and an appetizer for 25. Only at applebees. [cheers and applause] jon welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is professor of government at harvard university. Hes the coauthor of two bestselling books, how democracies die and tyranny of the minority. Please welcome to the program Steven Levitsky. Sir [cheers and applause] how are you . [cheers and applause] lets go look at this bad boy. The book is called tyranny of the minority. What is so you wrote how democracies die, a recipe to kill our democracy. And now tyranny of the minority. What is tyranny of the minority about . Well, when we wrote how democracies die, many years ago now, before it seemed so imminent to so Many Americans that democracy is in danger, we wanted to write a book that described for americans what it looks like when a democracy gets into trouble. So the book is an effort, first of all, to better understand how we got into this mess, but also to think a bit about how to get out. Jon so when you tell me about how we got into the mess, the constitution is really our touchstone. Is that the document that actually got us into this mess . The constitution, as you say, is a brilliant document. Jon dont hedge, sir. It is the worlds oldest written constitution. It has done us a lot of good. Jon yes. But it is also part of the problem today. We, a majority of americans, support democracy. A majority of americans support the really interesting experiment with multiracial democracy that we are evolving into in the 21st century. A majority of americans every day since donald trump came down the golden escalator have opposed trump. But we have a constitution that protects, that enables, and that empowers an authoritarian minority party, and that is the problem. Jon but isnt that the very nature of the constitution, it was a balance between that ideal and the practicalities of, well, how do we let the Southern States who have less population not to be steamrolled by a pure democracy . Right. It was a couple things. First of all, it was a document created by people who feared democracy, who feared majority rule. Because majority rule didnt exist in the world in the 18th century. Jon what did they think, if it wasnt kings, what did they think it was going to be . They didnt know. They were in completely new terrain. They had never been in a republic like this before. We had never had an elected leader before. The Electoral College was a third choice. So they were scrambling. They couldnt reach a majority and they didnt know how to elect a president. So the Electoral College was an improvisation, an experiment. Jon was it an improvisation to bring a compromise to the Southern States . Those smaller states. Jon the smaller states, the more industrialized. This was a compromise to bring the union together . This was a really tough problem. 13 colonies that were and there was a fear that they would break apart, that there might be civil war, that there might be violence. The articles of confederation failed miserably and there was a real fear that if we did not hang together, the brits or the french would come in and make things very difficult for us. The whole project could be blown to bits. These guys had to forge a compromise and they made concessions that were imperfect. In fact, george washington, just weeks after the philadelphia convention, wrote a letter to his nephew, describing the constitution as an imperfect document and saying that it would be up to future generations to improve it. Jon do you think it is strange, then, that a lot of the constitution really is, how do we do this mechanically, logistically, and yet, we almost view the founders now in kind of a fundamentalist way of, it was spoken through them, from god. They were absolutely sure, this is scripture. We didnt always see it that way. For much of u. S. History, americans, both politicians and american citizens of all types, have worked to make our system more democratic. The expansion of suffrage, the reconstruction reforms, the progressive era jon a lot of times, that was brought through violent people. I mean, the civil war is what brought that about, suffragette, even the vietnam war when they lowered the voting age. If there hadnt been the draft, people hadnt gone to vietnam, i dont think you wouldve seen the expansion of voting to 18yearolds. Constitutional reform is tough, it is costly, it takes work. But weve done it throughout our history. It is really only the last 50 years, only our lifetime, that we have kind of stopped thinking about how to make our system more democratic. We stopped doing the work of improving our democracy. Jon but is there also an issue that, as the world changes so rapidly, is democracy foundationally an analog system . And that in an increasingly, digital, and fast world, it is unwieldy, even in its best iteration, and is that what also gives a kind of shine to the idea of dictatorship or authoritarian principles, where things can be mobilized more quickly . Decisions can be made, you know, democracy is painstaking. It is a grind. It has. And this is not the first time we have been around this bend. Right . A century ago, whether it was the Russian Revolution or the rise of fascism, during a period of dramatic change, industrialization, the entry into the modern era, people looked around and said, yeah, stalin, that works better. Hitler, mussolini. Jon they made the trains run on time. Turns out, in the long run, there are costs to dictatorship. Dictatorships dont they may shine for a while but in the long run, you dont much like the result. We always have to be weve got old institutions and we have to constantly be thinking about how to improve them. But the basic idea of electing our governments and electing our governments in a context in which we enjoy a wide range of individual liberties, i dont think that is outdated. Jon right, that stays no matter what the kids say on, im going to say, instagram. [cheers and applause] tyranny of the minority. Its available right now. Steven levitsky, thank you so much for being here. Well take a quick break, well be right back. 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But those cords werent me. So he switched to tmobile. Home internet, with 5g. What a feeling i have wifi now i need Home Internet from tmobile to fulfil my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiife get Home Internet from tmobile now. Just 50 bucks a month. Ugh nope try my old spice you can use it on your pits, chest, and even, your. Toes . [both] oh thats fresh old spice whistle [sfx seagulls squawking] [sfx fishline] back for another flounder fish sandwich . And a shrimp tackle box. Let us do the fishing while yall enjoy our seafood that youll love. Get them before theyre gone. Barista Lavender Latte for sam while yall enjoy our seafood that youll love. Daughter mmm mom ooh, i like that [cheers and applause] jon thats our show for tonight before we go, lets check in with your cohosts for the rest of the week, desi lydic and Michael Kosta [cheers and applause] so excited. What are you guys got planning for the week . [speaking at the same time] jon, well be looking at the latest Inflation Report coming down, which the democrats are hoping will provide a needed boost for the biden campaign. Jon, well be diving into the debate over tiktok and whether the possible legislation banning it might spread to other social media platforms. [cheers and applause] jon you guys going to be doing that all week, with a talking at the same time . [laughter] [speaking in unison] of course not, jon. That would be ridiculous. Jon looking forward to it. Desi lydic and Michael Kosta, all week this week here it is. Your moment of zen. What does President Biden do . Well, he bands tiktok for government employees, but he creates an account for his own campaign. Yall, you cant make this stuff up. Sorry. Im goin down to south park gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation im goin down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor headin on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind [muffled] come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine students, i would love to introduce you all to the future, mkay . Starting today, our school will be operating entirely on intellilink. Now whenever you need to see the school nurse or talk to me, your counselor, you can simply sign up using this simple integrated portal. [click] mkay. [click] [click click] you can use a commuter or any of the intellilink panels which are located throughout the school. Lets say youre in the cafeteria, mkay, and you start coughing up blood and need to see the nurse. You just click on school clinic. [click] mkay . See nurse. [click] mkay . Respiration problems. [click] all night long okay. I must be in the wrong menu, mkay . You can see you can control the sound system as well, mkay . [click] its all integrated and smartlinked, and this is a great idea, mkay . Lets look at the message board. Message board. [click] message board. [click] here you can easily write messages to each other or to the faculty, mkay . For instance, here we go. Heres a message from kyles little brother, Ike Broflovski. Mkay, little ike says, my brother is a homo. [laughing] ike made a little drawing of his brother too. Drew a nice picture with a nice bird hanging off kyles forehead. Mkay, thats nice. Ha ha ha ha ha thats a nice crane, nice Whooping Crane coming off kyles head there. Thats not a crane. Its a dick and balls. [snickering] mom, ike did it again. I dont know whats going on with him, but its like he hates me. Oh, kyle, your little brother is getting older. Hes not a baby anymore. I know, but he posted a message of me with a schlong on my head. Its natural, bubie. Part of getting older is finding ways to assert your independence. You know. Why dont you go and try to talk to him . You can win him over again. Hey, ike. Hows it going . Get out of my room, kyle. Im on my computer. I just wanted to see if maybe you wanna do finger paints with me . Do i look like i want to do [bleep] finger paints . Look at the [bleep] zits on my face. Ike, i just want us to be friends again. Then stop harassing me, bro. You dont know what its like to be a baby going through puberty. I dont know whether to watch Yo Gabba Gabba or go out and tame some strange yeah, lets watch Yo Gabba Gabba like old times. Come on, lets dance go, go, go, toodee go, go, go, toodee come on, lets dance go, go, go, brobee dancey dance is my favorite. It always has been. See . This is nice. Go, go, foofa come on, foofa come on, lets dance who would you rather [bleep], foofa or toodee . What . I wanna [bleep] foofa. Come on, lets dance i wouldnt want to [bleep] toodee. Shes a dyke. You can tell. But foofa, mani bet shes got some sweet strange. Go, go, do the plex, go, go i dont even know what the [bleep] muno is. Ike, is that chewing tobacco . What, you gonna [bleep] narc and tell mom . No, i just dont think its healthy. Thats cause you dont understand shit i knew this was a bad idea im gonna go watch Yo Gabba Gabba in my roomsies. [knock at door] come in, mkay. Mr. Mackey, can i talk to you . Mkay, have you set up a counseling appointment on intellilink . No. Okay, thats fine, thats fine. We can use intellilink to see whats available. Lets see. Counseling request. [click] students. [click] make appointment. [click] mkay. Oh, whoops. Okay, students. Make. Oh, here we go. Make appointment. [click] mkay, here we go. Mkay, what do you need counseling with . Its my little brother. Hes really changing, and i feel like mkay, ill click on family issues. [click] what time did you want counseling . Right now. Mkay. [click] and whats your brothers intelligrated smart name . I dont know. All right, i can do a look up for the name. Go back. [click] main menu. [click] [the heat is on plays] oh, damn it oh oh oh okay, now back. Set oh oh oh no, set appointment. Tell me can you feel it okay. Speakers off. Mkay, uh. Mkay, what is your smart name, kyle . Tell me can you fell it what . Sorry, kyle were gonna need to maybe go somewhere else. Lets find an intellilink panel somewhere. Okay, lets see, lights, mood. Start counseling timer. Okay, there we go. Okay, we got it. Okay, now, kyle, you have some concerns about your little brother . Hes just changing a lot. He walks around angry, telling me im stupid, and all he talks about is sex. Well, it sounds like hes hitting puberty. Yeah, he just seems so young. Well, your brother is canadian. Perhaps canadian puberty is a little different. Why dont you educate yourself about canadian puberty, and it can be something you and your brother can actually do together, mkay . [plop, splash] this is the first time ive been able to do counseling and go to the bathroom at the same time. Intellilink is amazing. Hello, young people, and welcome to the most fascinating time of your life. You have braved the trials of childhood and now you are reaching canadian puberty. By now youve probably noticed some changes in your body. For instance, when you fart your dick gets hard. Other physical changes are happening to your body as well. If youre a boy, you may notice that your testicles ache. Or if youre a girl, you may notice a tingling sensation in your strange. This is stupid, bro. I already know all this. Lets just give it a chance, ike. Going through canadian puberty, you may notice that your voice is starting to change as well. Youre saying things like, hey, buddy, and, hey, guy, because now that youre older, youre discovering that someone who was once your buddy is now your guy. And someone who you used to call guy is quickly becoming your friend. But now lets discuss how a man and woman make love. First, a man and a woman fall in love. Then the man farts on the womans strange. Filling the womans strange with air so the woman can queef in the mans face, and a baby is born. The entire process can take up to six months its what . Thats not how babies are born . Whats semen . Well, then why did my wife queef in my face . She said it was to then why would sh im going to get to the bottom of this. Make me look like an idiot, will you . Hey, you told me you queefed in my face because thats how babies are born. I was being sarcastic. Being sarcastic . I just told a million canadian teenagers thats how its done. I was angry because you never listen to me because i wanted you to go with me to therapy, and you never go. Fine you want to go with you to therapy . Fine totally embarrassing and degrading. She queefed right in my face. Well, maybe you should spend less time at work making Public Health films and more time at home. What the [bleep] is going on . Youre [bleep] stupid, kyle. [all night long plays] i dont know what else to do, dude. No matter what i try, me and ike seem to drift further apart. He doesnt ever want to play with you anymore . [shouting over music] he doesnt want me near him. Oh oh oh that sucks, dude. What . I said, that sucks, dude. Oh, thanks. Were gonna have a party [clicking] all ni okay, there we go. Thats got the speakers off. Now what was it you were trying to do, kyle . I was trying to make an appointment to see the principal about getting excused on friday so i can take my brother to see Yo Gabba Gabba live. Mr. Mackey, can he just go talk to the principal . No, this is gonna work. I called intellilink, and they said they were sending over an engineer. [knock at door] is this classroom 7 . Yes. My names cody. Im your smartnician. Youre having some intelliproblems with your astute links . Yes, a students trying to make an appointment to see the principal, mkay . Uhhuh, well, heres the problem. Your smart names arent intelligrated. Oh, i see. If you want to have those intelligrated with easylink, you might want to upgrade your system to the silver package. I needed the silver package . Mkay, mkay. Can we do that . Let me call my supervisor on the intelliphone. [making motor sounds] [tires skidding, crash sounds] [knock at door] hey, ike . Get out of my room, kyle. Im playing trucks ike, im sorry, but i couldnt get us out of school friday. I cant take you to Yo Gabba Gabba live. You promised. I couldnt get in to see the principal, ike. What am i supposed to do, go see it myself . Im a little babywhos going to hold my [bleep] hand . You dont give a shit about how i feel. Ike, i do, i you love pushing me around. Is that what you wanna do, kyle, kick the baby . Im ready, bro. Come on, kyle, kick the baby. Come on, bro, kick the [bleep] baby. Lets see you try it, wuss hey all, so i just downloaded the experian app because i wanted to check my fico® score, but it does so much more. This thing shows you your fico® score, you can get your credit card recommendations, and it shows you ways to save money. Do so much more than get your fico® score. Download the experian app now. You can make money the hard way as a bullfighter do so much more than get your fico® score. Or a human cannonball. Or save money the easy way, with xfinity mobile. Existing customers can get a free line of our most popular unlimited plan for a year not only will you save hundreds but youll also be joining millions who have connected to americas most reliable 5g network. Sure is a lot safer than becoming a stuntman for money. Get a free line of unlimited intro for a year when you buy one unlimited line. Visit xfinitymobile. Com today to learn more. Dont bite people dont ever bite people hey, muno, what should we do now . Lets play a cool, cool trick. All right who out in the audience has a cool, cool trick to show us . [audience screaming] whats your name, little boy . My name is ryan. And what is your cool, cool trick, ryan . My cool, cool trick is that i can jump in the air. Yay oh all right, ryan. Lets see you jump in the air. [cheers and applause] way to go and whats your name, little boy . Ike broflovski. Do you have a cool trick . Yes, for my cool, cool trick im gonna tame foofas strange. Tame her what . I can tame foofas strange, bro. Uh. All right. Lets see our friend ike tame foofas strange ike, no, stop oh, i see. Youre actually wait oh, my god, what are you doing . No, no, no what are you doing to foofa . No now you listen here, little boy. It is never okay to take off your clothes and grind on another person. No, thats wrong dont do it were so sorry. Please forgive my little brother. Hes going through puberty. A little young for that, isnt he . Thats what i thought. This is stupid, bro. Foofa shouldnt be limiting herself to little kids. Shes [bleep] fine, dude. What you did was very traumatic for foofa. Isnt that right, foofa . Foofa . Hes right, plex. Were getting older. I dont want to do the little kid thing the rest of my life. Foofa, what you talking about . Its time for us to Start Playing to older people. Maybe we need to be edgier, have a little sex appeal. Foofa, no im an artist. And if all i ever do is play to kids, then ill be a joke. I have to move on. Oh, god, what has this little boy done . I try not to think about it, rick. I try to just forget about it and move on, but i cant. I mean, she queefed right in my face. Have you and your wife seen a therapist together . Yes, we went, but i just cant erase the memory of my helpless face being queefed on like that. Whos to say she wont do it again . Dont you think this has something to do with your new job . What do you mean . Theres more to this, terry. A lady never queefs in her lords face without some major cause. You started as the canadian minister of health, and three months later, your wife queefs in your face. Theres a connection. I took the job to try and make Canadas Health care system better. What could that have to do with my wife . Terry, im your friend, and im not just your friend. Im also your buddy. Thanks, guy. And im telling you theres more to this than you think, and if you want to save your marriage and your face, you need to figure it out quick. Mr. Mackey, so far the school has spent 22,000 on the intellilink system, and so far its been an unmitigated disaster. Yeah, but, see, the problem is not everyone is signed on to it yet. They cant sign on, because every time they try they make sprinklers go off. I know that intellilink has had some. Hiccups, okay . But ive hired a new faculty member whose sole responsibility will be to oversee the intellilink system and make sure it runs smoothly. I want you all to meet pat conners. Hello, everyone. Dont hello us, pat this system youre responsible for now isnt working out. So what the hell are you going to do about it . Oh, well, im just sort of getting acclimated to the situation, and getting acclimated . Do you know how much money we wasted on this thing . How about you take some damn responsibility . Get the hell out of here, pat. Youre fired, get out. Well, how the hell we going to clean up pats mess . I guess, i dont know. I guess we got no choice, mkay. Were just gonna need to upgrade to the intellilink gold package. Oh, no. Its a 10,000 upgrade, but it should clean up all of pats mistakes. Mr. Mackey, lets be clear. Intellilink was your idea. You should just admit it was a bad one and stop being so defensive. Well, its good to be a little defensive around you, miles, mkay . Lets not forget your wife died of an accident while you were drinking on a hike. Mkay . Hey, now listen no, you listen to me intellilink is a great idea, and we just need the goddamn gold package. We are doubling down. Youre watching e entertainment news. God knows why. Shes all grown up, and she wants you to know it. From kid show star to sex symbol, Yo Gabba Gabbas foofa is ready to rock. Shes been seen out partying, photographed smoking pot, and now foofa has announced a raunchy performance on the mtv Video Music Awards. Foofas new manager claims the mtv performance will be one for the record books. Foofas got that nice shaved strange that you just want to get in and tame the second you see it. The video awards are at 8 00 p. M. Tomorrow. Oh, this is so exciting. Told you itd go over well. Excuse me, but ike has homework hes supposed to be doing. Shut up, kyle. Just ignore my little brother. Im your big brother, ike [doorbell rings] answer the door, twerp can i talk to you . Im sorry but right now foofa there she is oh, thank god hey hey foofa, what is this about you going on the mtv video awards . Im done being a kiddy star. Foofa, you dont have to show your strange to get attention. You just dont get it because youre a robot, plex. All right. You wont listen to us, but maybe youll listen to our special guest, Sinead Oconnor yay. Rah rah dont do it, foofa. Dont sell out your strange to those corporate bastards. Screw off, Sinead Oconnor. No one gives a crap about you. Dont show your strange on tv dont show your strange your strange is for your husband not for all the world to see dont show your strange on tv im looking for a boyfriend looking for a boyfriend will you get out of my living room, please . [phone rings] hello. Have you ever had someone you love queef in your face . What . Im sorry. Im calling everyone in the canadian Health Care System to find out if theyre pleased with their health care. Is this Ike Broflovski . No, this is his brother. Your brother receives his medication from us, and we just want to be sure hes satisfied with the service. Satisfied with wait a minute, what medication . When we started our business we were paying an arm and a leg for postage. I remember setting up shipstation. One or two clicks and everything was up and running. I was printing out labels and saving money. Shipstation saves us so much time. It makes it really easy and seamless. Pick an order, print everything you need, slap the label onto the box, and its ready to go. Our costs for shipping were cut in half. Just like that. Shipstation. The 1 choice of online sellers. Go to shipstation. Com tv and get 2 months free. Before this meeting continues, i should have you be aware that my face has tested positive for queefy sauce. Im sorry, but i dont really care. I just want to know what medication my little brother has been getting you from and why . People all over the world get their medication from canada. Yeah, but somethings wrong with my brother, and it might be your fault. Thats impossible. The canadian Health Care System is completely integrated and streamlined intellilink. You use intellilink . Oh, my god will you check his records, please . Sure, no problem. Now, whats your brothers canadian medicare smart name . I dont know. Try strange tamer. [keys clicking] strange. Tamer. [click] ah, yep, there it is. Ah, yes, here we go. I see your little brother has a constipation problem and has been taking a daily laxative since last may. Ah, yes, im afraid intellilink mixed that up, and your brothers been receiving large doses of hormones that were supposed to go to an athlete in the northeast. Are you saying that ike has been given regular doses of hormones because of an intellilink screw up . Yes, thats right. That system is totally screwed up and does nothing but wreak havoc its fine it works fine just give it some time god, you sound like my wife. My. My wife. That must be it. Dont you see, terry . That Health Care Integration system has made you defensive and hostile, and your wifes been putting up with it. And. Thats why she queefed in my face. Excuse me if my little brother has been getting some athletes hormones, then who has been getting ikes medication . Tom brady looking sluggish again today. Not sure what his problem has been lately. Yeah, definitely not looking as strong and virile as he has in the past. [farts] hut, hut. [farts] hut, hut, hut, hut. Aah. Hike brady steps back to pass. Hes got an open man at the 40 yard line. And whatever is wrong with tom brady just seems to be getting worse. Go, broncos. Oh oh oh oh oh oh caught up in the action, ive been looking out for you oh [music stops] okay. There we go. Your students can buy School Lunches now, but they wont be able to get grades. No, they have to be able to get grades. Well, what you probably want to do is upgrade to intellilink platinum. No theres no more upgrading, mkay . I just want this to work. What exactly do you mean by work . I just want students to be able to make appointments to see the counselor, be able to see the school nurse in the easiest, most streamlined fashion oh, you want the centurion package. Thats where we take all the intellilink panels and rip them off the walls and we burn them. Then we wipe all the computers of intellilink software, and you never deal with us again. All right. Upgrade me to the centurion package. Right away. All right, sir, heres a clipboard you can use for students to sign up for counseling, and i want to thank you for choosing intellilink. The mtv Video Music Awards will be back with a performance from Yo Gabba Gabbas foofa singing pound my sweet strange. Two minutes, foofa. Thanks. Oh, my, here we go. Ike, wait. Get out of here, dude. Ike, theres been a mistake. You dont understand. No, you dont understand, wuss. Why cant you just let me grow up . Why do you keep harassing me . Because youre my little brother, goddamn it, and even when im 50 and youre 45, youre still gonna be my little brother. All right, yall, here comes our next big act. Ike, i dont care if you want to grow up. I just want to be by your side while you do it. Give it up for the sexiest bitch on earth. Its foofa [cheers and applause] come on, ike. Ike . Hes right, foof. Part of growing up is rebelling, but im gonna get older whether i like it or not. So why push it . I think im gonna let it happen naturally. Yay yay foofa . Come on, come on, and pound my strange pound it like this, pound it like that it was a mistake. What . Trying to reform Canadas Health care system and being too stubborn to admit it wasnt working. Even when my wife said the system was too complicated. I wouldnt listen oh, terry, i was just trying to get your attention. Im sorry i queefed in your face. I deserved it. Anyone who thinks streamlining health care into an integrated Computer System would go smoothly deserves a giant queef in their face. Thank you, my lady. So intellilink is gone, my lord . Yes, ive upgraded to the gold package. Within no time, canadians everywhere will be getting their correct medications and going back to normal. [baby laughing] ike . Kyle. Its dora the explorer come on, lets climb the mountain