Featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 811, d. C. Steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you guys very much. Thats what we want right there. Welcome, everybody welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. This is it. [ cheers and applause ] youre here. Youre at the show. Thank you for being here. Well, heres what people are talking about. This is kind of weird, but it came out that the white house asked the guggenheim if they could borrow a piece of art by van gogh. The museum said, no. [ laughter ] and instead they offered trump a sculpture of a gold toilet. [ laughter ] and trump said, wait, that was just a sculpture . All right, no one go in the oval office. No one go in the oval office. [ laughter and applause ] theres a buzz here in new york city, you guys. The grammys are sunday right here in new york. [ cheers and applause ] and i saw that Bernie Sanders is nominated for best spoken word. [ laughter ] meanwhile worst spoken word went to this guy. United shahtes. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy well united shate united shahtes. Well, this is going viral, during a game between the Houston Rockets and the Golden State Warriors this week, the warriors coach was joking around with rocket star, chris paul. But take a look at pauls reaction at the end. Momentarily quiet, the crowds and well take a time out. And when we come back, well hear from [ laughter and applause ] jimmy i love that isnt that the best, tariq . Tariq thats thats classic. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy i thought youd like that, yeah. [ laughter ] hey, check this out, a a 1969 cadillac that was converted into the worlds fastest mobile hot tub sold at an auction, but the bidder wants to remain anonymous. Because if youre riding around in a hot tub cadillac, the last thing you want is attention. [ laughter ] yeah, you dont want any attention on that. [ laughter and applause ] and finally you guys, i saw that this week, former first lady, laura bush was on hgtv show fixer upper. [ laughter ] while, the current first lady asked if she could appear on the show wife swap. Steve oh [ laughter and applause ] jimmy we have a great show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] give it up for the roots, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you very much, everybody. Happy friday, everybody. Yeah jimmy happy friday. [ cheers and applause ] were all excited here at the tonight show because we are taking the show on the road to minneapolis for a special live show on super bowl sunday. Steve oh [ applause ] jimmy big deal for us. Were all getting our bags packed cause the super bowl is like, tomorrow. [ laughter ] and its going to be a giant show. Weve got some huge guests lined up. We have the biggest movie star in the world, dwayne the rock johnson on the show. Steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have the cast of nbcs Award Winning series this is us. They will be there. [ cheers and applause ] and were not stopping there. Were also going to have a a performance and an interview with the star of this years super bowl halftime show, the one and only, justin timberlake. [ cheers and applause ] steve whoa whoa what jimmy lots of fun things planned. Steve oh, my god, youre so casual. [ laughter ] man, hes cool. Jimmy some surprises too. Steve oh, nice. Jimmy so stay tuned after the super bowl on february 4th right here on nbc. Its a live tonight show. Its going to be great. [ cheers and applause ] steve ay jimmy come back again next week [ laughter ] steve is that your horse . Jimmy Dakota Johnson [ light laughter ] tam smith and Chrissy Teigen will be dropping in. [ cheers and applause ] we got performances from jason aldean [ cheers and applause ] liam payne [ cheers and applause ] and rita ora will be here next week. [ cheers and applause ] steve yo jimmy but first we have a a fantastic show tonight. We love it when she stops by, the very funny Chelsea Handler is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] steve yeah jimmy plus, from their late night show on viceland, super funny, desus mero are here. [ cheers and applause ] steve yeah jimmy and we have great standup from rob haze, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] steve oh jimmy you got any plans for the weekend, higgins . Steve me . I was thinking about jimmy im sorry, before i even ask you about that, i just my brains a little rattled right now. Ive got to be honest. Steve why is it rattled . Jimmy because have you you know, dunkin donuts, which i love steve i know you love em. Jimmy you already know i love the dunkin d. Steve d. D. [ laughter ] jimmy so [ laughter ] steve he loves you love funk and go nuts. Jimmy nah, sometimes i funk and go nuts, you know what im saying . Steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] jimmy but i dunk the d, you know, a a couple times. [ laughter ] steve you love the d. You tell all the time how much you love the d. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy anyways steve friday, fri jimmy well, i do love, but theyre changing theyre changing their whole image. Theyre opening up a few stores, did you hear about this . Theyre making stores and theyre just calling it dunkin. Steve like that . Jimmy its dunkin and i think its a bit too much. Theyre like really going for like Young Millennials and and i love, you know i love it. Steve you love the d, i know. [ laughter ] jimmy but i i think theyre going too far. Have you seen the latest commercial . Steve oh, yes jimmy the super bowl commercial . Steve yes. Jimmy check this out, tell me if theyre going too far to younger viewers. Check out this dunkin donuts. sup teens, can you even . We can, cause were dunkin. Were not your parents coffee place. Lame our new stores are totally tilted. Tilted m that other coffee corporate. Know what i mean . I cant has coffee, meow . Rererere reboot. [ explosion ] [ vuvuzela ] damn, dunkin were so cool, were coming to hulu. Stream so fidget spin on into dunkin. Were the goat. [ scream ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy do you see what i mean, a little bit . Steve maybe. Jimmy a little bit over the top. Steve fidget spin your way jimmy i dont know, well check it out. Stick around, you guys. Well be right back with thank you notes. Come on back. [ cheers and applause ] we took legendary and made it liberating. We took safe and made it daring. We took intelligent, and made it utterly irresistible. We took the most advanced eclass ever and made the most exciting eclass ever. The 2018 eclass coupe and sedan. Lease the e300 sedan for 569 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Starburst . Juicedratic equation. Super topsecret mathematical formula they keep stored inside a safe. Inside a vault. Inside a volcano. Ohh. Juicedratics. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. Ohh. Juicedratics. New year, new phones for the family. Join tmobile, and when you buy one of the latest Samsung Galaxy phones get a Samsung Galaxy s8 free. Yahoooo ahoooo plus, unlimited family plans come with netflix included. Spectacular so, you can watch all your netflix favorites on your new Samsung Phones. Whoa join the uncarrier and get a Samsung Galaxy s8 free. All on americas best unlimited network. Even if no one in your home smokes, Secondhand Smoke can be closer than you think. Secondhand smoke from a neighbors apartment can enter your home through air vents, through light fixtures and even through cracks in the walls and the floors. Secondhand smoke is toxic. Especially to children. Protect your family. Visit tobaccofreeca. Com. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back, everybody. Today is friday. [ cheers ] and i got the 12 00 news blues. You know what im talking about . Steve whoa jimmy yeah, man. Steve 12 00 blues clues . Jimmy whats that . Steve 12 00 blue clues . Jimmy no, i got the news blues. I got the 12 00 news blues, it styx. Sittin on this bar stool talkin like a damn fool got the 12 00 news blues [ cheers and applause ] and a bottle of cold brew jimmy yeah, thats it. Thats good, that the jam, right there. [ cheers and applause ] [ vuvuzela ] styx jimmy guys, it is friday. Thats usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. I check my inbox, return some emails, and, of course, i send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] so i thought, if you guys wouldnt mind, id just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. Is that cool with you guys . [ cheers ] james, can i get some thank you note writing music, please . Oh, man. [ light laughter ] he looks bummed out. Steve wow whats he so sad about . Jimmy he looks he looks bummed out. Steve looks like hes got the 12 00 news blues. [ laughter ] jimmy i know, he looks like oh yeah, man yeah, thats pretty good. Hey, do you ever cape it, james . [ light laughter ] check it out man, its pretty cool. Steve oh, snap. [ cheers ] whoa not the cape [ cheers ] sitting on this barstool talkin like a damn fool got the 12 00 news blues jimmy thats it, stay right there. You can stop right there. Styx. They should come [ cheers and applause ] they should come on the show. Steve whats that . Jimmy they should come on the show and do that. Steve they should come on the show and do it, man. I love styx. Jimmy that would be fun. Steve tommy shaw. Jimmy perfect. Steve thats a new style. Jimmy its almost like, its almost beatlesque or something. Steve like a nehru jacket. [ light laughter ] jimmy yeah, you know the first song we did, thank you notes [ laughter ] i remember the first time we did thank you notes. you know, i didnt want to do it. [ light laughter ] you know, but then, you know i thought maybe it would be good for the band. You know. [ laughter ] james, can i get some thank you note writing music . [ laughter ] steve wow thats some jimmy thats the attitude. Steve thats the jam weve been waiting for. [ laughter ] jimmy thank you, speed skating, for being the most intense way to dab. [ laughter ] thank you, putting your phone in a different pocket than you normally do for that split second of white hot panic. [ applause ] oh, my god. Wheres my phone. I got words with friends. [ laughter ] im going to lose all my friends. Steve i dont know anyones number jimmy i dont know how to spell words anymore. [ light laughter ] thank you patriots, going to the super bowl. [ cheers ] because who doesnt love a good overdog story. [ applause ] jimmy finally. Steve finally, theyre going. Jimmy they win one. Steve yeah. Been waiting. Jimmy in their 60th consecutive super bowl the [ laughter ] thank you, oscar statue, for looking like c3p0 after getting botox. [ laughter and applause ] thank you, people who quit facebook, for telling me all the reasons youre leaving facebook in a long post on facebook. [ laughter and applause ] just quit. Just go away. Steve enough. Jimmy thank you, dog sledding for being the only sport that involves staring at a dozen dog butts for hours at a time. [ applause ] is that the only sport . Steve its the only one . There has to be more. Doing the d. [ light laughter ] jimmy thank you, personal trainers, for getting paid to count to ten. [ laughter ] six. Seven. Eight. Give me three more. One, two, three. Okay. And a four, two, skipped one. Three. [ light laughter ] one. Youre done. Now give me three more. Thank you, Philadelphia Eagles coach Doug Pederson for always looking like youre wearing a a guy fieri visor. [ cheers ] steve oh oh [ cheers and applause ] yeah jimmy switch with 48 hurry up switch with switch with him come on switch with him and get down now get up get down get up get up get up, get on up get on up, get on up see ya on the scene like a sex machine doing the d im goin to the d im dunkin the d [ applause ] jimmy thank you, refrigerator icemaker, for always making it sound like my fridge just bowled a strike. [ laughter and applause ] thank you, the shape of water for not being called 50 shades of aquaman. [ laughter ] there you go everybody those are my thank you notes. Well be right back with, the best, Chelsea Handler is here tonight [ cheers and applause ] at at t, buy one iphone 8 and get one on us. Thats one for you, and one for. Your bbf your backup singer. Your frenemy your boo your roomie so one phone for you and one phone for someone in your squad. Buy an iphone 8 and get a second iphone 8 on us. 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Alexa, play my broken elevator playlist. Playing your music. Get a free moto mod with amazon alexa when you buy a moto z2. Available at major carriers. As a meteor headsnderway toward the metro area. Go, go, go, go, go we can fit more theres still more room we gotta go. Juicer we dont have a juicer the volkswagen tiguan. It fits everything you need, and everything you dont. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guest is a a very funny comedian whos written five New York Times best sellers. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome back to our show Chelsea Handler [ cheers and applause ] jimmy Chelsea Handler whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa jimmy chelsea, you look fantastic. Hold on hold on. Jimmy hold on a second. Im naked on this side. I got to cover this up. Jimmy whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, that was almost. Jimmy yeah thats okay. That was almost too hot for tv. Oh, my goodness. Sorry. [ laughter ] jimmy woo. Oh my god. I dont want anyone to see my diaper. [ laughter ] whoopsie doopsie. Oh, no. Jimmy whoopsie doopsie. You think im kidding. Jimmy no. Chelsea, you look fantastic. Thank you for coming back to the show. Oh, i love being here. I love your band. You guys are awesome. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the roots. Theyre the best. Jimmy they really are the greatest. I have lots of things to talk to you about. I have a lot of questions for you. One is, i saw that during the holidays, you go skiing. Is that a thing that you did with your family every year, like, growing up . Well, i grew up in new jersey. So skiing on the east coast [ cheers ] oh, thank you. Jimmy absolutely. I didnt know people clapped for that, but thank you. [ laughter ] jimmy people clap for new jersey, yeah. I know, but yeah i mean. I guess im proud to be from new jersey. Its a good place to leave. [ laughter ] i am proud. Im proud to be from new jersey. Jimmy you love new jersey. But i dont want to live in new jersey anymore as an adult. Jimmy you dont. You had enough. Yeah. Jimmy as a child, you had a a great childhood. Now youre ready to go on. Yeah, and i was home like a a few weeks ago, or a few months ago campaigning for the governor of new jersey the new governor, phil murphy. And i was i was with my family and we were Walking Around the neighborhood. I was like, this seems like, we were in montclair, which is beautiful. And i was like, god, i feel like i could live here. My brother was like, no, you dont you say that everywhere you go. You dont want to live in new jersey. Youre not a housewife. I was like meanwhile his wife was standing right there. Im like, hey. [ light laughter ] jimmy but do you wherever you go, do you feel like youre home, or youve been there . I mean, you ended up staying at this ski thing, right . Yeah, i stayed skiing thank you for keeping me on track. I stayed skiing for about i went skiing. Its been a rough year, you know, with everything, politically. So i wanted to just kind of get less angry. And so i go to whistler, skiing for like a week, with my family, and my friends, we get a house. And then i decided to stay. I moved into the four seasons in whistler, and i just skied for two and a half weeks by myself, and and, you know, with some random people. And made friends. And i was like a local. I turned into like a local village person. It was so much fun. I felt a im like, oh, this is like a a different life that ive never had. You know . Jimmy well, i mean, you dont normally you dont do stuff solo. You are usually with other people. I usually have people that look after me, because im not very good at doing things. [ light laughter ] like, you know, like i have a a sitter or something. An adult babysitter. Jimmy yeah, thats right. I know you do, yeah. I have a lot of people i travel with, cause then its helpful if i cant do something on my phone, i can find somebody else to help me. But i decided this is the year of selfsufficiency for me. Im taking the year to myself. I want to help get women elected. I want to do important stuff. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you said that. And youre doing it. You said that and youre doing what you said. I did it. I took the year off. Im going to do a documentary about white privilege. Im doing that. And im going to campaign for all these women that are i partnered with emilys list. Which is this great you guys have to go to emilyslist. Org and look up the candidates that are running, because these are incredible progressive women, and we need more women in politics. So, im really passionate about that. So, basically i spent the month in whistler, writing down my thoughts instead of tweeting them. [ laughter ] i took a break from the news cycle. Jimmy yeah. And i just had the best time. And i want to be a professional skier now. [ light laughter ] jimmy no, you dont. Thats not true. But explain to me more about emilys list. What does that mean . Emilys list. So emilys list, they found kirsten gillibrand. They found kamala harris. They didnt find them, but they endorsed them. And so then they throw money behind female candidates that they think can win, and flip republican seats, or flip its not just necessarily about democrat, republicans. Its just about having women in office. Obviously theres a its imbalanced. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i love that youre doing that. When am i doing that . Jimmy i love that youre doing that thank you. Jimmy because you actually said last time you were here. Im going to leave netflix for a little bit. Im gonna actually going to do this, and focus on making a a change. I just want to have an impact. I want to use put my money where my mouth is and put my time where my mouth is. Jimmy yeah. And i want to go to places in this country i havent been, and spend time with people, and understand why were so divisive. And i dont want to be angry. I want to love people. I want everybody to love each other, and take care of each over, you know, and have health insurance, and stuff like that. Jimmy yeah. [ cheers and applause ] the little things. Would you ever run for office . No, i cant get by on that salary. Of course not. [ laughter ] but i mean, no. Are you kidding me . Cant go skiing whistler for a a month on a Congress Persons salary. No, i cant do that. But i dont im not somebody im not somebody whos im not, you know, smart or informed enough in that regard to run for office. Jimmy yeah. And i would never. But there are so many people running, and thats important to me. But im also doing, like, town halls. Im going across the country. Jimmy oh, yeah, talk to me about this. And im doing theyre called town halls, but its more about just having a a political discourse with a a conservative person. Like, im doing wisconsin next week. Im going wisconsin appleton, wisconsin actually. [ scattered cheers ] and were oh, look. [ light laughter ] jimmy we allow one person from wisconsin in every show. [ light laughter ] and thats the lucky audience member. One person from wisconsin and three people from new jersey. Jimmy thats the way it works. [ laughter ] it balances out perfect. Just having conversation, like what im talking about. To talk about why everything people are so far apart, and how can we come together. I want to understand people better. I dont want to just like say that person has a completely different life than me, i dont understand them. I need to understand people like that better. I think thats the problem. So, im just doing what i can do and im going to go around to all these jimmy its not is it a a democratic leaning no, no, its for everybody. Im sure people will think, oh, im just going to sit there, and spout off my opinions, which i will. But im also there hoping to hear other peoples opinions about their political leanings. And being involved on a very civic basic level fundamentally with politics. Not just being running and voting in an election every four years. Its about the midterms. Its about being at your local. Its about your mayor. You have to find issues that are meaningful to you, and then support the candidates that support that. Jimmy i love youre doing this. Youre going to do it all around the country . Right . [ cheers and applause ] yes. Yes. Jimmy the first one, february 1st, appleton, wisconsin at fox citys performing arts center. Chelsea handler, we love having you on the show. I want to have you on more often. I love you, jimmy. Jimmy please come back. I do. I love you guys too. Jimmy Chelsea Handler, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] get tickets go see chelsea, go to ticketmaster. Com. Well be right back with desus and mero, everybody. Stick around [ cheers and applause ] this is jim. Hes hyperventilating after opening his verizon bill. Whos that . 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Thats how the waves and stars would speak to them. Guide them. Sometimes, you can find your way in the world, by getting lost in it. Let your legend begin at aulani, a oneofakind Disney Resort in hawaii [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i love our next guests. Theyre so funny. Theyre the hosts of the hit show, desus mero, airing weeknights at 11 00 p. M. On viceland. Set your dvrs and start watching these dudes. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome desus and mero. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow. Look at the timbos. Both oh, yeah. Yeah. These are the get money timbd. You cant have green timbs if you dont if youre not rich. Yes. Jimmy wow. Im trying to be like you, jimmy. Jimmy oh, i mean come on, please. Drake sent me these. They have fur on the inside. Ooh. Yes. Jimmy oh, my gosh. See thats when you know. Now youre living it up. You know what im saying . Jimmy youre living the life. Here get close to my leg so you can see them better. Jimmy no. [ laughter ] welcome back to the show. Thanks for having us back. Jimmy we love having you back, because i love hearing your opinion, your take on different stuff. And i love your show on viceland. You guys are crushing it. Its really great. Thank you, man. Thats high praise. Jimmy congrats, on everything. Now, usually when youre here, you guys agree on a lot of stuff together. Because youre yeah. Yes. Jimmy you guys have got good chemistry. [ light laughter ] is there anything you dont agree on . Surprisingly filetofish. Yes. [ laughter ] jimmy he buzzed in first. Yes. Yeah, he did. Jimmy he buzzed in he buzzed in first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He feels strongly ding ding about the filetofish. Jimmy filetofish . The filetofish is a is a evil cancer square created to destroy america. [ light laughter ] who doesnt like filetofish . Let me tell you something, when you walk into a a mcdonalds, who do you see eating a filetofish . Somebody on the edge of death. With a black coffee. [ laughter ] jimmy with what . A 95yearold person with a a filetofish and a black coffee. Jimmy a black coffee. [ laughter ] staring into staring into the abyss of death in their black coffee. Let me get this straight, Jimmy Kimmels audience not jimmy kimmel. Jimmy fallon sorry. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] i would like to jimmy we never we never liked desus anyway. [ laughter ] the mero show. The mero show on vice. Im so im so emotional, because i heard the slandering of the filetofish. [ laughter ] the heavenly ambrosia that mcdonalds gives us. With its like kissing ariel from the little mermaid. [ light laughter ] jimmy thats where the heavenly ambrosia is thats what a filetofish is . Thats right, a little tarter sauce. Mauh were on tv four nights a a week, this guys eating filetofish. We got to do better. Do we . We got to do better. I im only eating filetofish, because were on tv now. This guy you dont want to know what i was eating before. I had a strictly steakumms diet. Its true. Yeah, yeah. It was disgusting. Jimmy i also want your take on this. I heard that youre a little a little upset that you were snubbed. And well, yeah. Jimmy and i dont want to you yeah. Jimmy any more upset than you are right now. And this is and i dont this is trickery. Jimmy the audience, dont freak out. But you guys are not cast in the new live yeah, yeah. Jimmy lion king. The new lion king. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Timon and pumba. Yeah. Jimmy i mean timon and pumba, youd would have been perfect. When you think of timon and pumba, do you not see us . [ laughter ] jimmy i think its you. Cmon. [ cheers and applause ] when you think are timon and pumba . You think of two african animal creatures you hear what im saying. Walking around in timbs you know what i mean . Giving advice to lions. Yo, simba simba, yo yo, simba dont go into that bodega they got robbed last week. [ laughter ] yo, yo yo, yo, yo dont go there yo, dont trust your uncle, simba. Chill, chill. Yo, scars shady, bro. Yo, we going to the serengeti, lets go. [ laughter ] now, you dont want that . Come on. Jimmy no, i mean thats but why didnt they call you guys . Thats ridiculous. You know what it is . Because we didnt really apply. Jimmy you didnt audition . [ laughter ] yeah, i didnt know. I didnt know you had to do that. I thought if you just went on twitter and were like, yo, we want to be in this movie. Then it just happened. I just went on twitter and was like, disney, yo me and mero, boom boom, lets do it. Thats apparently you have to go through agents and other things. Yeah. Jimmy yeah, you have to audition. You guys dont audition for that stuff. Audition sounds like a lot. Why am i going to get up, and work, and nah. Nah, im good man. [ laughter ] jimmy no, you dont have to do that. You dont do that for your because an audition is like trying. Yeah, we dont try. [ light laughter ] we dont like to try too much. It either is or isnt. [ laughter ] thats all it is. You know what im saying . Jimmy because well with your thing you guys got started, what, on twitter, then led to the podcast . And now and now youve done 200 shows. Yeah. Jimmy 200 shows. 200 shows. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy respect. Look, lebron got 30,000, we got 200. I feel like ours is more impressive. Its the same. Were right there. Right there. It took more to do 200 then it did for lebron drop 3,000 30,000 points. 30,00 points, yes. Absolutely. 100 . Jimmy have you guys having fun still . Yeah. Yeah. [ laughter ] yeah. What about at one point in my life, i was picking up dead rats at an auto mechanic shop. So, im going say this is a a little better than that. Jimmy wow, is that right . I also, you know, i have four kids. So, any time i spend out of the house, you know, is great. [ laughter ] jimmy well i love yall, though. [ laughter ] hopefully theyre not still up watching this. Jimmy yeah, they shouldnt even be awake. They might be. Jimmy yeah, who knows. [ light laughter ] but whats next . Whats the next whats next for desus and mero . Oh man, we got the book. Book coming. You know what im saying. Jimmy youre putting a book out . A real book too. A real book. Random house. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy random house . But its not one of those books where were gonna come through the train and sell it to you. No, no. Its a real book you can have. [ light laughter ] barnes and nobles and amazon. Yeah. Its not stapled in the middle. [ laughter ] its not gunit publishing. No, no. Its not all hiphop. Some of it. Some of it is. Its a lifestyle book. Its about how two different lives because, you know, he has four kids. Maybe at 2 00 in the morning youll catch me on the f train eating tide pods. We live different lives. [ laughter ] really . Jimmy youre not eating tide pods. Dont eat tide pods. Why not . Why not . Jimmy cause its nah, big Big Government told you not to eat tide pods. [ laughter ] jimmy thats not the reason why im not eating tide pods. Its laundry detergent. I dont eat laundry detergent. Who told you that . Jimmy icet. [ laughter ] [ cheers ] icet told me not to do it. Listen. Jimmy he told me that. I thought about it. If you said the surgeon general, i would be like, nah. But you said icet, i was like okay. [ laughter ] okay, hes on law order. He knows things. Jimmy he does, yeah. Icet is back in narcotics. Jimmy would you would you ever go on tour . Yes, were actually going on tour. Yes, we are going on tour. Wow. Look at you with the segway, boy. Teeing it up. [ laughter ] were going to jimmy if i didnt do that, i wouldnt be jimmy kimmel. Exactly [ laughter ] hey hey hey [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hey, im the one and only, man. Come on. Hey, every time you come on, i force you to do this. You dont have to do it if you dont want too. I always like to bring up topics just to see what you guys think. Is that cool . Thats cool. Its cool. Lets do it. Jimmy the Winter Olympics in pyeongchang are a few weeks away. Are you guys into the olympics . Wheres pyeongchang . [ light laughter ] jimmy its in south korea. Oh, south korea, okay cool. Thats important. Thats the good korea, right . [ laughter ] youre too late, if you get off if you get off at the airport and its just like, yo, youre in north korea, that changes everything. Theres no good airbnbs in north korea. [ laughter ] no, no. Jimmy all right. Thoughts of the possibility of oprah 2020 . Mmm. Hmm. Now, at first i was like we dont need oprah running for president. Okay. However she emailed me, and she said i could be the Prime Minister to jamaica, he could be the Prime Minister to d. R. So, im with it. Were down. Im with it. [ cheers ] jimmy thats so not true, by the way. Okay. [ laughter ] here we go super bowl lii. Who do new yorkers root for . Lets go yankees [ chanting ] lets go yankees [ cheers ] thats right, were new yorkers. Jimmy yeah, but do you go patriots or you go eagles . I said knicks. [ laughter ] its hard its so hard. This is like i have to watch the super bowl. You know, shout out to the roots, philly. All the way live for the twoofive. [ cheers ] but no. No i dont want to see the eagles win. I dont want to see the pats win. Jimmy you dont want really . You dont want either team to win . I mean, listen. Jimmy philly would be psyched if they win. Philly would be psyched. You know, its not listen, i love philly. Phillys gonna be psyched. Philly owns it. Philly fans though woo. Once yall get a ring. He knows it too. Yo, listen you already know. Got a whole clip full of tweets for me already. Yeah, yeah. Listen, philly will probably have to declare state of emergency if they win the super bowl. [ laughter ] jimmy yes. Because its going to be greasy poles everywhere. Be on fire. Theyre going to crash a a trolley into a river. I dont understand how thats possible. But its gonna happen. Somebodys going to hijack the train. Its going to be wild. Jimmy you think the city will just go nuts, if they go nuts and then ten years later, itll be a denzel movie. [ laughter ] you know its gonna happen. Jimmy oh, my god. Oh, man. Jimmy oh, my god. Okay. All right. The bronxs own cardi b yeah, cardi b [ cheers ] jimmy is nominated for two grammy awards. Yeah. Yes jimmy do you think that she will win one this weekend . I hope so. She better. [ cheers ] we might be we might be at the grammys. Yeah. Jimmy oh, really . Yeah. Listen, the scene in the bronx if cardi wins a a grammy will be the same scene if philly wins the super bowl. [ laughter ] yes. Yes, indeed. Jimmy what . Same. Were gonna light the 4 train on fire [ laughter ] grease up those poles, were comin though jimmy my its not a game jimmy my last thing is last time you mentioned the sandwich i had never heard of called the chop cheese. Yes, yes. To our philly brothers over here, it is the equivalent of it is our cheese steak. Jimmy mmhmm. You know what im saying. Jimmy now a chop cheese, i dont know what it is. Have you never had one . Jimmy i never had one in my entire lifetime. Well, sir jimmy, its your lucky tonight. Theres something here that i have oh, this is a this is a [ cheers ] first of all, look at the official new york bodega bag. [ laughter and applause ] thank you for shopping here. This is a bag you ask them, yo, papi, can you double bag that . Hes like, no, get one bag, get out of here. Go away take your bag and go. So, heres one for. Jimmy thank you. Somebody get a turn. Jimmy interesting. Its like a lightsaber of flavor. Very nice. Jimmy a lifesaver a a lightsaber of flavor. You know what im saying . Now, unwrap it. You can already smell, kind of, the odor of the chef that made it. You getting a mouthfeel . [ laughter ] you know what im saying . Now, i want you to open it. Jimmy the odor of the chef that made it. Yeah, i got you. I want you to open that and inspect it for cat hair. Thats how you know if its good. [ laughter ] jimmy what are you talking about . If the cats been sitting on this bread all day, welcome to flavor country. [ laughter ] this is what made guy fieris restaurant close down. [ light laughter ] jimmy this is it . All right, look it. Get it closer. Get in tight. Wheres my tight get tight zoom on this. All right. Look at that interior. This is not from whole foods. This is actually from 110th street. Yeah. [ cheers ] jimmy is that right . This came from a bodega that has bulletproof glass. You dont have that anymore. This is from the hood. [ light laughter ] jimmy the bodega has bulletproof glass . Bulletproof class is not good, jimmy. Yes. Jimmy all right, here we go. Take that bite. Lets see it. Lets see it. What, count of three. Jimmy one, two, three. Cheers, man. May your first child be a a masculine child. [ laughter ] jimmy mm. Thats delicious its like a giant hamburger. Yeah. Yeah. We know that you dont like mayo. We said no mayo because its for Jimmy Fallon Jimmy thats what im talking about. Thats what im talking about. [ cheers and applause ] i love these dudes. Love you, man. Jimmy i love these dudes. Desus and mero. The got the show desus mero are on weeknights my guy, my guy. Jimmy 11 00 p. M. On viceland. Well be right back with standup from rob haze. Desus and mero [ cheers and applause ] tens of millions of people have switched to unlimited on americas most awarded network. Verizon . Uh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Vince. It was just ranked highest in Network Quality performance nationwide by j. D. Power. Its totally verizon. Vince we can see the sign. The vs sticking out. Still could be anything. Anyway, the most awarded network is. Verizon wwait, hold it vince. You didnt know what it was. You did . Okay. vo unlimited is only as good as the network its on. So switch to the best unlimited on the most awarded network. Now buy select smartphones like the google pixel 2 and get one free. 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Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Be there for you, and them. Ask your gastroenterologist about humira. With humira, remission is possible. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy this next guy is fantastic. I saw him do a set over at the stand in new york city and he was unbelievably funny. So i go, we got to put him on tv. Hes great. Hes the cohost of the book of ye podcast, dedicated to the legend of kanye west. [ laughter ] it is available it is available now on itunes. Making his tonight show debut, please welcome the very funny rob haze. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. People in new york will tell you stuff about yourself you didnt even know. Like i just found out i have a a lost face. Whenever i walk in stores, people are like, are you lost . [ laughter ] can i help you . Like maybe ive been here before. Maybe i can find my aisle. Give me a chance. [ light laughter ] maybe i know how to read. [ light laughter ] i go to clubs, bouncers always do too much. They always like, you know i got to check your i. D. [ laughter ] you dont have to do all that. Im born in the 80s. Once you see that eight, give me my i. D. Back. [ light laughter ] i dont care if its birth date, issue date, death date, im supposed to be here. [ light laughter ] im tsa precheck. I shouldnt have to go through this. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i didnt always do comedy. I used to work at a chicken restaurant at the airport. A lot of people complain about their commute to work, but those people dont have to go through tsa to get to a a kitchen. [ laughter ] i dont know if you ever looked in the back of a fast food restaurant, but there are no chairs back there. My friends used to complain about their jobs. And they used to be like, man, i just want to do what i love. And i used to be like, i just want to sit down. [ laughter and applause ] i had an interview after that, they were like, sir, have a a seat. I was like, im so happy to be here. [ laughter ] thank you so much. Working there, they would only hire people to work the Cash Register who were bilingual, whether they could speak english or not. [ laughter ] just on the chance that somebody only spoke romanian, and needed a chicken biscuit. [ laughter ] so they would be calling back orders to me, i wouldnt understand what they were saying. Theyd be like, yes, i need a a bacon, egg, and cheese on biscuit. And id be like, ima just give you the sandwich i was working on, and hopefull [ laughter and applause ] hopefully their flight leaves soon. [ laughter ] i cant get in trouble if they complain in another country. I cant get in trouble if they complain in the sky. [ light laughter ] im pro bullying. [ laughter ] i went through it. I feel like other people should have to go through it. [ laughter ] i didnt just get bullied at school. I got bullied at church. [ light laughter ] family outings. [ light laughter ] im the only person i know that got bullied in college. I was wellrounded, but wellbullied. [ light laughter ] i remember one time when i was a kid, these kids took my birthday cards out of my mailbox, and ripped up the checks that i got for my birthday, and put them in front of my house. [ audience aws ] i remember thinking, man, they remembered my birthday. [ laughter and applause ] i feel like a way of adult bullying is people keep asking me, how old are you . [ light laughter ] like, i dont have to answer that question. Im grown. [ light laughter ] sometimes people try to guess my age. They always get the age is too young. Theyre always like, are you 12 . No, im not 12. You dont know any 12yearolds that act like this. I have too much swag to be 12. [ laughter ] [ cheers ] everywhere i go people want to talk about politics. People in waiting rooms, people in bars, people in ubers. Like, these people are extras in the movie that is my life. [ light laughter ] but they feel like they have speaking parts. [ laughter and applause ] i dont need to hear what you got to say. Youre not in the credits. [ laughter ] i feel like part of the problem is were too focused on the big issues. Maybe we should start with a a small issue we can solve, and work our way up to the big issues. [ applause ] like, heres a small issue. Are we chipping or are we swiping . [ laughter and applause ] i feel like weve done a great job of distributing the chip card. I feel like everybody has a a computer chip on their card. Its supposed to keep you safe. You know, bad guys, they dont know about computer chips yet. [ laughter ] then you get to the register, and theyre like, im sorry, sir, were swiping today. [ light laughter ] then the next time you try to swipe, they be like, whoa, whoa, put the chip in youll blow this whole place up if you dont put that chip in [ laughter and applause ] im going to lose my job if one more person swipes thank you. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy rob haze [ cheers and applause ] for more on rob, visit robhaze. Com. Well be right back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy my thanks to Chelsea Handler, desus mero, rob haze once again, ladies and gentlemen. And the roots right there, philadelphia, pennsylvanias own. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching. Have a great weekend. I hope to see you next week. Byebye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight sean diddy combs. Star of the alienist, actor luke evans. From disjointed, actress nicole sullivan. Featuring the 8g band with john stanier. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, setheyers. Seth good evening. Im seth meyers, this is late night. Hows everybody doing tonight . [ cheers and applause ] fantastic to hear. In that case, lets get to the news. In a new interview President Trump said that russian president Vladimir Putin could do a lot to help with the north korea situation but, quote, unfortunately, we dont