Plenty of cash Business Optimism is at an alltime high. And then the mayor from jaws tweeted, beach is open. No sharks in sight. [ laughter ] former Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper announced today he is dropping out of the president ial race and released a three minute video thanking his supporters by name. [ laughter ] jeff, i really got to thank you, jeff. [ laughter ] you were there for us at each one of those polls. Former president barack obama has shared his Summer Reading list coming in at number one, how to tell your friend youre not endorsing him. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause according to reports, allies of former Vice President joe biden have suggested changing his schedule so he has fewer events in an effort to minimize the number of gaffes hes making in speeches where as in the white house, theyre pretty much screwed after 5 00 a. M [ laughter ] president ial hopeful congressman tim ryan held a fundraiser in new york this week that included a yoga class and a breathing session. Oh, thats good. Because if hes looking to be president , he should not hold his breath [ laughter ] according to medical examiners in new york, sex trafficker, Jeffrey Epstein had a broken bone in his neck that is more common with homicidal strangulation than suicide then they added, also, this is probably nothing, but he was shot five times in the head. [ laughter ] is it nothing . Should i put it in the report . No okay. [ light laughter ] the National Gallery in london has unveiled newly discovered sketches by Leonardo Da Vinci that were tucked under one of his paintings. And it turns out he invented that cool s thing. [ laughter ] today was i love cowboys and cowgirls day. This news was first reported by a farmer telling his parents hes bi. [ laughter ] Customs Officials in los angeles announced yesterday they seized over 5,000 counterfeit luxury products, including almost 700 pairs of fake nike shoes which is bad news for people who thought they got a great deal on a new pair of air gordans. [ laughter ] and finally, a thai woman was sent to the hospital yesterday after claiming she slipped and fell on a cucumber, causing it to end up inside of her. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] said her husband said her husband, shes had a rough week just the other day she slipped and fell on the mailman. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] [ laughter and applause we got a great show for you tonight. I fell on the mailman. [ light laughter ] hes the host of the lead as well as state of the union on cnn. Our friend jake tapper is back, everybody. [ cheers and applause she is the star of the emmy nominated series pose, currently in its seconds season on fx. Mj rodriguez is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause before we get to our guests, President Trump has been freaking out about the possibility of a recession for more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause seth if theres one thing trump loves to brag about, its the stock market he talks about it constantly and by talks about it, i of course, mean he lies about it. Because he lies about everything i would say lying for him is as natural as breathing, but hes not great at breathing either. [ laughter ] [ heavy breathing [ laughter ] seth in fact, this week, the Washington Post published an exhaustive study that found as of august 5th, trump has made over 12,000 false or misleading claims as president. Which means that trump said something false about once every three hours on average [ audience ohs ] once every three hours that means he has to wake up in the middle of the night just so he can get his lies in [ laughter ] russias a witch hunt. [ laughter ] [ applause ] how does he even keep track . He must have like a fitbit for lies like a fibbit oh, no. I need to get my 10,000 lies in. I better hold a rally. [ laughter ] trump has apparently told so many lies that if he never told a lie ever again in his life, hed still have averaged 8. 7 untrue claims per day over the span of his first term even though under this imaginary scenario he hadnt said anything untrue in more than a year first of all, lets just bask in that imaginary scenario where trump hasnt said anything untrue in more than a year i mean imagine what his rallies would be like. Folks, people are coming to the border theyre seeking asylum, which is perfectly legal. And we should welcome them because diversity is our strength [ cheers ] also, im terrible i am terrible at golf. [ cheers and applause in fact, trump gave trump gave a speech on energy to workers in pennsylvania on tuesday. And it was one reporters job to basically sum the whole thing up its whats known in politics as the pool report. And here is the actual White House Pool report summing up trumps speech in a 67 minute speech that at times resembled a campaign rally, the president meandered through several topics, many having little to do with energy. He talked about trade, immigration, trucks, emoluments, his 2016 victory, union leaders, his poll numbers, the media, steel, china, the amount of money he believes hes losing as president [ light laughter ] the green new deal, windmills, the wto screwing us, president obamas book deal, Hillary Clintons comments on coal workers, pipelines, new york, iran, veterans choice and more. My god, that sounded like a months worth of jeopardy categories [ laughter ] ill take windmills for 400 the answer, this famous idiot believes they cause cancer [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause believes they cause cancer in fact, one of the lies trump told at that speech was about the various lawsuits against him, including a lawsuit alleging that he is violating a section of the constitution that specifically prohibits what are known known as emoluments, or gifts from foreign governments for example, a saudifunded lobbyist paid for 500 rooms at trumps hotel after the 2016 election. Does trumps hotel even have 500 rooms . I just assumed there was a lobby. And if you went upstairs, it was just fake doors painted on the walls. [ light laughter ] now that seems like a pretty clear violation of the constitution and yet, trump wasnt concerned about that he complained instead about how much the lawsuits were supposedly costing him this thing is costing me a fortune being president. Somebody said, oh, he might have rented a room for to a man from saudi arabia for 500. What about the 5 billion that ill lose . You know, its probably going to cost me including upside, downside, lawyers. cause everyday they sue me for something. These are the most litigious people its probably costing me from 3 to 5 billion. Seth i dont i believe youre losing 3 to 5 billion from lawsuits. I would believe youre losing 3 to 5 billion dollars just from, you know, being donald trump i mean you lost a billion dollars in ten years and that was in the 80s and 90s when everyone was making money. I mean [ light laughter ] back then a little kid could open a Lemonade Stand and make enough money to buy a bugatti. [ laughter ] so trump lies about everything and the stock market is no exception. But if you compare his record to previous president s, its not as impressive in fact, if you look at the change in the Dow Jones Industrial average over the same period of time, clinton saw 42. 4 increase obama saw a 41. 7 increase and trump has seen a 30. 1 increase so trumps been outdone by clinton and obama, the two president s he hates the most the only way that could be more embarrassing for trump is if he did lose 3 to 5 billion. And they had to repossess his penthouse and rename it hillary tower. [ laughter ] [ applause ] more importantly more importantly, the stock market is not the whole economy. In fact, most working people arent really invested in the stock market its mostly just a sign of how the wealthy few are faring in fact, one study found that nearly 40 of the market is owned by the richest 1 of the population while the bottom 90 of the population owns just 19 of stock market wealth. Basically for a lot of people, those stock numbers in the bottom of the cnn corner are just something you stare at while youre waiting for your flight its like, i dont know i guess green is good. And red is bad. [ light laughter ] im gonna go to the cinnabon. [ laughter ] trumps economic policies have only benefitted the elite few to begin with and now that a recession seems like it might be on the horizon, hes freaking out. Because for two years, hes been able to coast on the economic tide left by obama, while ignoring the growing wealth gap, massive inequality or the shuttering factories in states he promised to rescue. In fact, trump is so desperate for something to brag about that during that rambling speech in pennsylvania, he touted the shell plant that was about to open and repeatedly claimed credit for it. This would have never happened without me and us. This would have never happened it was the Trump Administration that made it possible. No one else. Without us, you would never have been able to do this seth there you go. The shell plant never would have happened without trump just one problem, shell announced its plans to build the complex in 2012 when president barack obama was in office uh oh its been three hours. Better check my fibbit. [ laughter ] i mean hes taking credit for a plant that was announced when obama was in office. Whats next . Do you know i killed Osama Bin Laden . I swear its true. I have i have a very real photo to prove it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] trump is freaking out about the possibility of a recession after spending two and a half years catering to wealthy elites he doesnt care about growing inequality or shuttering factories. Weve got a lot of problems. And in many cases it was the Trump Administration that made it possible seth this has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause well be right back with jake tapper, everybody [ cheers and applause announcer for more of seths closer looks, be sure to subscribe to late night on youtube. Wherever you are. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. And these new highrise slim straights are it. Take that jane fineberg. Take what . Jane i see youre still a weirdo. Made a whole career of it babe. Shop fifty percent off all tees, forty off all dresses, and thirty off all jeans. Now at old navy. With this one little nexgard chew comes the confidence, youre doing whats right, to protect your dog from fleas and ticks for a full month. Its the 1 vet recommended protection. And its safe for puppies. Nexgard. 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Give it up for the 8g band, right over there [ cheers and applause all week along weve had a twotime grammynominated artist, producer and composer from new york city, sitting in with us on drums this fall, be sure to check him out on tour with brittany howard. For tour dates and more, check out natesmithmusic. Com nate smith is here, everybody [ cheers and applause thank you for a great week thank you, seth seth always a pleasure thank you seth our first guest tonight is cnns chief washington correspondent. He hosts the lead weekday afternoons, as well as the networks sunday show, state of the union. Please welcome back to the show, our friend, jake tapper, everyone [ cheers and applause seth how are you i am good what is you have the coolest microphone thing, it looks like a tie clasp. Seth yeah, isnt that really thats top level i was thinking like, that looks pretty sharp seth what do you guys wear is that what you do at cnn yeah, just this seth its like that . Yours looks cool, like its intended seth yeah. Yeah. Seth well, you have your own show, too. Youve got to get one of these i dont have as much pull, i dont think. [ laughter ] seth well the problem is, you have a show on a network that has too many hosts. So theyd be like, you get one, then cuomos going to want one, andersons going to want one. [ light laughter ] exactly seth you cant do that where as me, its its not just one tie clip. Seth i guarantee you, if ive got it, that means fallon had it first [ laughter ] it does actually have his initials seth it does, yeah [ light laughter ] j. F. Do not touch oh, no [ light laughter ] you hosted the debates i did seth and that is a lot not only was it backtoback nights but 10 candidates both nights did you how do you approach it with that many people well, first of all we should just make sure everybody understands, if it were up to me, i would have five candidates but it was the Democratic National committee they made the decision seth right not cnns choice they said, this is what you have to achieve in order to get on the debate stage and turns out it was very achievable seth yeah. [ light laughter ] so they had 20 candidates thank god we were allowed to split it into two nights and its tough, because all these competing imperatives. You want to make sure that you get to the big people, the bigger candidates, but you also want to include everybody. You want to bring out debate you want to get to as many topics as you can, but you dont want to be too shallow its a lot of moving parts seth it did seem that you guys got credit for hitting on a lot of substantive issues. Obviously, their limit of time and the fact that 10 people are talking. I think when we remember the last debate that had that many candidates was the gop debates 4 years ago. You did those as well. Yea, i did one with 11 candidates. Seth 11 candidates at once because Carly Fiorina got in there. Seth she slid in at the last minute yeah. Seth yeah. And thank god she did, because then she was president [ laughter ] but you those, i think, are not remembered as being as substantive, but you would argue that they were, we just forget because of trump because of who was in the middle of the stage. I think we asked a lot of substantive questions, but i think one of the problems with a debate, anytime that President Trump then, candidate trump is there is, you might not remember the discussion about the nuclear triad, for example, which was brought up and you might remember when he made fun of rand pauls hair seth yeah. One of them might stick in your brain a little bit more seth yeah. Do you think that will ultimately be the challenge for whoever ends up against him, moving forward is that, as voters we will also be distracted by his ability to make fun of, sort of, trivial things i dont know. Thats going to be the big challenge for whoever the democratic nominee is. Whats the way to go after him because you could argue that Hillary Clinton won all three debates. Seth yeah, i think pretty like, by a clear margin. Polls indicated that the American People thought she did. Seth yeah. And yet, shes obviously not in the white house right now seth because they were like, that other guy is a little crazy though, i kind of like that. [ laughter ] lets see what that looks like in the white house lets try the crazy guy. Its only for a week, right . Four years [ laughter ] it was a little bit more complicated than that, but okay. Well go with that seth i think most voters theres the popular vote seth trust me, ive been in the diners, thats what they did. [ laughter ] ive talked to peoplin diners. So you there were the russians, and comey and wisconsin. Seth theres a lot of things theres a lot of factors. Seth youve had this issue, because you have to deal with it certainly in a more serious way than we do there have been things this week that are hard to lay out exactly what happened. Steve king, who is an iowa congressman, he basically made comments defending rape and incest which you would think would be a real career ender, but not as yet. How do you even when you hear that, how do you even go about presenting that to people as heres a real thing that happened i mean, we just ran the clip. Just for those of you who are not familiar with congressman kings oeuvre seth yeah. He says a lot of just really insane and offensive things. Seth yeah, the craziest thing is it wasnt out of left field for him. Yeah. The good news was, it wasnt racist seth yeah, thats right, he tried a new thing. [ laughter ] thats like, be careful what you wish for good news, hes not racist anymore. [ laughter ] well it wasnt that just in those comments he was, im going to try a little misogyny lets just see who that goes seth yeah. Try it on for size. Yeah, the basic argument he was making, he was trying to explain he was trying to defend his argument as to why he does not support hes opposed to abortion and he does not even believe in exemptions for rape and incest and his argument was, if you go back in history, you know, a lot of people got raped and a lot of people had incest. And i dont know that my family tree doesnt have any of that. Seth yeah. Id argue it probably does, yeah [ laughter ] it would explain a lot. Seth yeah. Anyway, so in that instance we just ran the clip and then i just turned to a guy on the panel, poor mike rogers, former republican congressman, and just said, why does he say things like that seth yeah. [ laughter ] he didnt have an answer. [ light laughter ] seth you mentioned even having a republican on the panel to be able to talk to you. You also talked about after the horrific weekend of shootings in el paso and dayton, you sort of opened your show by saying your sunday show by saying that you had reached out and could not get any elected republican official to come on the show yeah, except for the mayor of el paso. And the reason we did this, and you know this just from your booking, its part of your show, too, is we dont make a habit of saying who we tried to get and didnt get seth yeah. I wouldnt have time in the show [ laughter ] right hence, me here [ laughter and applause seth you guys, tom cruise was a no, heres jake tapper [ laughter and applause but we did it because we were doing a special four hours of state of the union, because of those two horrific shootings and we had booked literally seven democratic president ial candidates and we wanted people to know that we had made an effort to get National Republican figures. But the governor of texas, the two republican senators from texas, the governor of ohio, the republican senator of ohio, all these people had turned us down. It wasnt for lack of effort seth and do you is that, like, a very fast no you get from them . Are you surprised when they say no or is this what youve come to expect, especially with an issue like gun control where theres very little they could probably say in the wake of the tragedy we have republicans on state of the union all the time seth right in fact, we did end up having the governor of ohio on, like, a day or two later, on the lead. But i dont think republicans like to talk after gun massacres, because i dont think they have a lot of answers as to why they hold a position that, for instance on universal background checks. 90 of the American People support universal background checks a majority of republicans, a majority of nra members. So why wouldnt you support that and i think they dont want to talk about it. Seth you also, i believe it was this week, when maybe on sunday or monday when donald trump retweeted a Conspiracy Theory about Jeffrey Epstein, and who might have been involved in the murder a particularly deranged one seth yeah. Even for President Trump, who is a fan the way that you appreciate good music is a fan of conspiracy theories seth he really does like those are his jams yeah. [ laughter ] seth and you decided not sitting in tonight is alex jones [ light laughter ] seth yeah, right you decided not to even show it. Because it was just crazy seth yeah, and and libelous also seth right i mean, again, surprise is such a weird word to use now, because i think all of our capacity to be surprised has been sort of worn down. Are you surprised though that were at a time where you cannot show a thing the president said on tv, because its too bat[ bleep ] crazy [ light laughter ] it is strange, because he is the president and everything he tweets is a president ial statement. It is an official president ial statement. Even if it werent, hes still saying it and hes the president. And he retweeted something that was just nuts, in which he was in which somebody was intimating that one of his political rivals had something to do with epsteins death. And, yeah, its weird when youre like, im not going to share what the president said with the American People because its so crazy. But the truth of the matter is, weve been dealing with this since he came down the stairwell. I remember during that debate, the Republican Debate with 11 people. At one point, i wanted i mean, he supports he believes in this crazy theory, not supported by science or the medical establishment, that vaccines arent good that they do something bad that is not true and im not going to support it, i mean, repeat it. But i wanted dr. Ben carson to correct him. That was my goal seth yeah. And carson wouldnt do it seth yeah. There are some good things happening. What . [ laughter ] seth im going to tell you [ applause ] youre to thank for it we talked about it before. And i always like to check in with, really, the we like to call her the successful tapper your daughter, alice tapper. Alice tapper. Alice paul tapper. Seth she wrote an oped in the New York Times that then became a book. A book about encouraging girls to raise their hands in classrooms shes a superstar yeah seth whats the update on the book last we heard, shes going to have a publisher publish it in china. So its going to be published and translated into chinese, which is amazing i have written four books. None of them have been translated [ applause ] seth none of them have been translated at all . None translated i dont even think theyre translated into british. [ laughter ] seth well, give her our best thank you so much for being here pleasure. Seth its always great jake tapper. [ cheers and applause well be right back with mj rodriguez thank you. [ cheers and applause [dog barking] [dog barking] [dog barking] [dog barking] [dog growling] [horn blaring] [cat meows] vo the subaru crosstrek. With starlink remote horn lights. Dog tested. Dog approved. Upbeat musieverything was so fresh in the beginning. [sniff] dramatic music but that plug quickly faded. Upbeat music luckily theres febreze plug. It cleans away odors and freshens for 1200 hours. [deep inhale] breathe happy with febreze plug. Keep being you. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv with three different medicines to help you get to undetectable. That means the amount of virus is so low it cant be measured in lab tests. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre hivpositive, keep loving who you are, inside and out. Ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Applebees handcrafted burgers now starting at 7. 99 now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. No wait now starting at 7. 99 ugh, sorry its ok [laughs out of breath] oh you got a fast one there just cant get him to slow down this class will help with that we get it. You got it were petsmart [ cheers and applause seth our next guest is a talented actress you know from her work as blanca on the emmynominated series pose. This season two finale airs tuesday night on fx. Lets take a look. Im just not like you girls theres certain things that you can wear that i cannot if this is about tucking, i got some extra duct tape its not about that either. I just dont like being exposed. I dont like the summer. Men whispering on the streets calling me a man, a freak, a tranny ma, people always gonna have opinions dont matter how beautiful or busted you are, thats just part of being a woman in a mans world. Seth please welcome to the show mj rodriguez, everyone. [ cheers and applause seth how are you, mj i am good im good, im good seth im so happy youre here im happy im here, too seth this is a fantastic show created by ryan murphy. Yes seth and it sort of oh, its about the underground ball culture in new york in the 80s and 90s and for those who dont know what that is, lay it out okay. Well, i mean, the ball culture ballroom culture that really started in new york city, underground ballroom culture its a place where a lot of Lgbt Community members they go to find refuge. They find comfort. They get to be who they truly wanna be and they just get to live their lives completely and find the people that they feel most comfortable to raise them, lift them up in ways that they never thought before seth and you youre from newark yes, i am seth and did you find your way did you did you come into the city did you find your way into this culture . Yeah, it was kind of crazy. I mean, i was 14 years old in high school. I went to a School Called arts high in newark, new jersey and thats actually where my housefather at the time found me i was walking, i think, one of his Fashion Shows or just a fashion show, in general, at school and he saw me he was like, thats my daughter. And i actually met him through a couple of my friends before i had even seen him. They were immersed in the ballroom scene before i had even gotten hip to it and it just sprawled out from there. Seth so for those who dont the terminology, explain what a housefather or housemother is. Okay, so a housefather or housemother, those are the people that upkeep the house that theyve created so, for example, the house of lebeija. Theyll have a housefather and a housemother to be kind of like, matriarch and the monarch of the house, and make sure that everything okay, the kids are learning theyll teach some voguing lessons. Theyll give them everything that they need that their other parents wouldnt give them seth what is the first lesson of voguing . What is the first thing you learn . [ laughter ] um, hmm i mean, theres so many things that you can learn you can learn duck walking no, we not gonna do right now cause i got [ laughter ] i got some heels on. Thats hard to do. Seth okay, great but there a theres hand performance. Seth uhhuh. And theres many elements to it that you have to incorporate in order to do it all. Seth and it seems like precision is a very important part of it yes, you cant sloppy i remember when i was younger, my housefather at the time i snuck out and i went to rehearsal at ripleygrier, and he said, lets see what you got. And i got up there and i did it was called fem voguing, and i got up there and i did a complete messy job seth really . He was like, what is that . [ light laughter ] hes like, what is that . And i said, it was voguing, right . He said, no. Neno, one of his housesons seth yeah. He was like, show her what its all about. [ laughter ] and i was like, all right, cool. Seth it seems it seems like the underground ball culture, pretty open with their feedback yes . Yes [ laughter ] very much so very open and up front seth nobody like, ever keeps their opinion to themselves. No, but you have that its a space of honesty. Its a space of comfort. So they all let you have it right then and there they will read you down. [ laughter ] and youre like, mmhmm, thank you. Seth and you play you play a housemother on the show i do, i do. Seth who did you draw inspiration from was there anyone in your life that you were my momma. Seth yeah. My momma. She comes with me every single place i go and she was always that pillar for me to look up to, along side many lgbt members that were very, very strong in my life but she was that one that kept me sturdy and kept me sane, and she just made sure i kept on the right path, so seth you got to bring your mom to the Golden Globes last year i did seth how was it . Was she excited . Did you have a great time . Oh, yeah. We were very excited we were in the bathroom doing like movie number singing in the mirror [ laughter ] and everything it was it was epic. Seth any were there any people you were particularly excited to see so many people. But i remember seeing Bradley Cooper sitting like, right across from me and i was like, oh, my god. Thats Bradley Cooper. [ laughter ] is he gonna see me . [ laughter ] seth you also went to the met ball for the first time this year i did, i did. Seth looking like a million dollars. [ cheers and applause yes, i did. Seth and that is another incredible night for people watching yes seth did you get your did you get the full experience . Did you get see the people you wanted to see that night as well i got to see every single last person i wanted to see. And more so than anything, i felt so included and accepted. I walked up and shook Anna Wintours hand and i was like, youre anna wintour oh, okay. [ light laughter ] and then the next person was lady gaga, and she just grabbed me and she said some really, really, wonderful like, encouraging words, and i cried seth thats alright. [ laughter ] a lot seth its a very good pla they always say, if you need a good cry, go to the met ball. [ laughter ] go to the met ball. Seth yeah. Youll cry your eyes out. Seth hey, thank you so much for being here of course seth and congratulations on everything [ cheers and applause mj rodriguez, everybody. Well be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause at tmobile, what can you get when you a buy a Samsung Galaxy note 10 . You get unlimited data while on a network that goes further than ever before. Use as much as you want. When you want. A Netflix Subscription on us. Stream all your favorite movies and shows. And for a limited time. Buy any Samsung Galaxy note 10 and get one Samsung Galaxy note 10 for free. Thats right. Get one Samsung Galaxy note 10 for free. Did you know you can save money by using dish soap to clean grease on more than dishes . Try dawn ultra. Dawn is for more than just dishes. With 3x more grease cleaning power per drop, it tackles tough grease on a variety of surfaces. Try dawn ultra. To maximize freshness. Hey. Which is great,. Cool. Unless you dont live within 5 minutes of a jimmy johns. 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Its a different kind of Wireless Network designed to save you money. Save up to 400 a year on your wireless bill. Plus get 250 back when you buy a new samsung note. Click, call or visit a store today. [ cheers and applause seth welcome back, you guys. This is so exciting. Its time once again for popsicle schtick. [ cheers and applause [ laughter ] seth for those of you who dont know, this is a bit where my writers come up with bad jokes and then try to save them with what they call kick ass graphics. Here we go who here we go. [ light laughter ] who is running for president of the vegetables beet buttigieg [ laughter ] popsicle schtick [ laughter ] seth you get it. [ light laughter ] next popsicle. Whats a crustaceans favorite wine a crabernay. [ light laughter ] all my schtickle ladies all my schtickle ladie all my schtickle ladies all my schtickle ladies all my schtickle ladie now popsicles up if you like i you should have pu a schtick on it if you like i then you should have put a schtick on it save a joke wit a sexy graphic on it if you like i then you should have put a schtick on it whoa oh oh oh ohoh oh oh oh oh oh o whoa oh oh oh ohoh oh oh oh o oh oh [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause seth theres Something Different about tonights popsicle schtick that i do want to let you all know now usually, i will watch all the animations over the course of the week, leading up to the airing and then i will give notes and say, i dont think thats ones great, or maybe do some more. And then i realized i was giving notes about what an [ bleep ] popsicle stick was doing [ laughter ] and then ultimately, none of it mattered and that every second i spent giving notes about a popsicle stick i was gonna spend a million years in hell. [ laughter ] so tonight, for the first time ever, i havent seen any of these. [ laughter ] which is why i was mildly amused by that last one [ laughter and applause if you were watching all the schtickle ladies and saying to yourself, wow, based on seths expression, he could take or leave this. [ laughter ] that was genuine [ laughter ] moving on. What did the mario brothers use to communicate with the spirit world . A luigi board. [ laughter ] young schticks, old schticks step right up and test your strength who among you can move the improvable head of seth . I can, i say. I can. [ light laughter ] [ ding ] [ ding ] [ laughter ] [ explosion [ thud ] [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] popsicle schtick [ laughter ] [ applause ] seth you see whats happened here you see whats ive been taken advantage of [ laughter ] i also want to point out, i have seen the jokes [ light laughter ] so, when you see these and youre like, oh, he must have not have seen those. cause why would he sign off on a joke like luigi board . [ laughter ] that was the best of a hundred jokes. [ laughter and applause why was the priest in such good shape . He loved to exercise [ audience groans [ laughter ] oh, no [ siren the stick caught on fire [ brakes screeching nothing to worry about here, mr. Meyers we got this under control. Seth good, good, good. [ screaming [ laughter ] buzzards guts, its happened again. [ laughter ] those sticks will never learn. Oh, god. [ laughter ] [ screaming buzzards guts, im a ghost [ laughter ] and im going to heaven. [ harp playing ] goodbye, everyone [ laughter ] oh, no, its hell. [ applause ] its hell i thought i was going up it was heaven, but its hell oh, god, im burning up again oh, god [ laughter ] seth now see, if i hadnt seeded my authority to the writers, i would have said, it feels like backtoback ones where popsicle sticks die [ light laughter ] you know, one where my head falls on them and they burst into blood and then that one, where a bunch of them burn up. And as a comedy writer, i dont know if you should put those two next to each other [ laughter ] then, they would have looked at me and gone like, huh . [ laughter ] and then i would have said, its pointless. I should just let them do it. [ light laughter ] what do you call a bird of prey who only eats avocado toast . A millennial falcon. [ laughter and applause [ thud ] [ ding ] hes killing ya, kid. You got to hit him you got to crush him you gotta cut me, schtick i cant see nothing out of my eye. [ audience groans you got to cut me more what . Cut the other eye theres nothing wrong with the other eye. Just cut it you got to cut me more huh [ light laughter ] cut off my head [ light laughter ] what . You got to cut off my head. Okay. [ ding ] [ laughter and applause seth so so that would be three deaths in a row. [ laughter ] but, now, in comedy, theres something called the rule of threes and what that is, is even when three writers work on a piece, none of them notice that [ laughter ] the writer who came up with this is named ian morgan. Hes right over there. And you can follow him on twitter at what is it . Chisprer its thechispere seth the chisperer yeah. [ light laughter ] the cat whisperer. Seth the cat whisperer [ laughter ] if a popsicle dies on this one, im [ bleep ] coming over there. [ laughter and applause what does the power ranger with no parents say its orphan time [ audience oohs [ honking its a wooden life for us its wooden life for us instead of act on we get kicke into act fiv cause were schticks its a wooden life daddy sethbucks we never see daddy sethbuck whats that whos he seth its time for a closer look. [ crash no one cares for yo a lick when youre in a popsicle schtick its a wooden life just schticking about tomorrow makes you forget the news and the sorrow with one lick the schtickll come out tomorrow so don blow your brains out cause tomorrow theyll be schtick when im stuck with a sho thats slow and boring i just whip up a schtic thats sick an stretch out tomorro tomorrow a new schtic tomorrow okay now wer done with this part [ light laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat for you tonight. Please enjoy our rendition of the song, smooth criminal as performed in 2003 by alien ant farm annie are you oka are you okay are you okay annie annie are you oka are you okay are you okay annie annie are you oka are you okay are you okay annie youve been schticked b youve been struck b a smooth popsicle [ light laughter ] together at las together forever were schticking a kno they never can sever i dont need sunshine [ crashing ] oh, oh [ groaning ] [ laughter ] tomorrow tomorrow a new schtic tomorrow theres only te minutes more tomorrow tomorrow a new schtic tomorrow just kiddin were almost done [ explosion tomorrow tomorrow a new schtic tomorrow we promis this is th last one tomorrow tomorrow a new schtic tomorrow for rea this tim we are done [ laughter ] oh, hell is weird goodbye, everybody. Oh, my god [ cheers and applause seth that was popsicle schtick. Well be right back. Not all of us. [ cheers and applause heres one you guys will like. Show me making it. Oh i got one. The best of amy poehler. Amy, maybe we could use the voice remote to search for something that youre not in. Show me parks and rec. From netflix to prime video to live tv, xfinity lets you find your favorites with the Emmy Awardwinning x1 voice remote. Show me the best of amy poehler, again. This time around. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Experience the entertainment you love on x1. Access netflix, prime video, youtube and more, all with the sound of your voice. Click, call or visit a store today. [ cheers and applause seth my thanks to jake tapper, mj rodriguez, nate smith and of course, the 8g band. Stay tuned for carson daly well see you tomorrow [ cheers and applause carson good evening. This is nbc