Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trumps oneyear anniversary. Plus, stephen welcomes j. K. Simmons and rob riggle and pete holmes. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey how are you hey please, sit down youre very kind happy friday, everybody. You all ready for the weekend . cheers and applause yeah, me, too, absolutely, me, too, you know. Listen, folks, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. We made it almost, almost. I dont want to get ahead of ourselves here. If donald trump doesnt blow up the world in the next 25 minute, we will have been under the presidency of trump for exactly one year. It feels so much longer. I think im aging in dog years now. But no matter the ups and downs of the trump presidency, his polling numbers have remained low. He ended his first year in office as the most unpopular president in pollling history. May i remind you that list includes William Henry harrison, who died 31 days into his. Term. We all remember his campaign signs. Now too soon . laughter jon yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen didnt realize his children were here tonight. laughter to celebrate his first year in office, trump sat down with reuters for a 53minute interview with a fresh diet coke near at hand on his desk. Yes, trumps never far from his diet coke. Its his only brown friend. laughter then, trump trump reflected on what he had learned over his time in office. I love washington, but its a mean place. Yes, washington is terrible. I heard one guy down there called all of africa a bleep hole. And with all the talk about trumps recent physical, the president shared his workout routine with reuters, saying, i get exercise. I mean, i walk, i this, i that. Oh yeah, he this, he that. I heard in high school, he was on the varsity this that team. But, you know, proud of his physique, trump went into a little bit more detail. I run over to a building next door. I get more exercise than people think. So, any. But i think this shows how trump can really connect with ordinary americans, because we, lets face it, dont exercise as much as we should. But if anyone asks, were like, i do cardio. I mean, i walk to my car, from my car, back to my car. Last night, i did an hour of vodka curls. Trump explained why exercise isnt that important to him ive always been more of a believer in diet because im strong, you know . I hit the ball far. I mean, im strong, physically. Oh, yes, trump strong. Trump hit ball far. laughter thats why he uses two hands to drink water. laughter applause . Jon the chalice. Stephen what is this filled with . What is this made of, lead . Yeah, trump believes in diet because exercise isnt that good for you. A lot of people go to the gym, and theyll work out for two hours and all. Ive seen people. Then they get their new knees when theyre 55 years old, and they get their new hips, and they do all those things. I dont have those problems. Yes, donald trump doesnt have the problems commonly associated with what doctors call movement. laughter my legs are in mint condition, barely used. I kept them in the original packaging. laughter theyre worth a fortune on ebay. Now, for his physical, trump did have to do something. As he explained i was on a treadmill for the first time, in actually quite a while, and it was at a very steep angle. And i was there for a very long time. They were surprised. And they said, well, you can stop now. Thats amazing. and i said, i can go much longer than this if you want me to. as trump yeah, i can go as long as you want. I could even turn this thing on. Go ahead. Im not afraid. Do it. We can turn it on applause on. Oh, the adult actress who had the affair with donald trump back in 2006, stormy daniel,s, still hasnt talked to the press but she is still willing to bare it all, because she Just Announced she will be dancing in my home state of North Carolina as part of the making america horny again tour, with which i gotta say, America Needs right now, because the biggest possible turnoff is imagining donald trump having sex. And now, new details are trickling out about Donald Trumps sex life. And i apologize for the whole trickling metaphor, but. laughter unavoidable, sometimes. Put a tarp down. And it seems like not all of the sex donald trump had with Stormy Daniels back in 2006 was, as she described, textbook generic. Some was magazine kinky, because mother jones has gotten their hands on emails from 2009 in which the adult film actor and director claimed that her affair with trump included an unusual act, spanking him way copy of forbes magazine, with wait for it trump on the cover. Wow laughter wow. He got spanked, but i feel like im being punished. laughter though, i gotta say, bravo, sir it is not easy to maintain an ego that big while being sexually submissive. I am the best bad little boy. I deserve the finest spankings on my tremendous trump rump. Many people are saying im really the topbottom of all time. And, and i cant believe thats a joke based on actual news. And if i may add one more visual to haunt your nightmares tonight, a cover of forbes from the time does feature trump and two of his children, donald jr. And ivanka. I think i speak for dr. Freud when i say we owe oedipus an apology. And once again, sadly, erics left out of the fun stuff. And you know its been a tough week when the happiest news out there is that british Prime Minister theresa may has appoint aid minister for loneliness. That really sounds like a victorian euphemism for a gigolo. Good evening, madam. I am the minister for loneliness, here to lift your spirits with a gentle rogering and cucumber sandwiches. laughter crusts off, like my trousers. Minister of loneliness, by the way, also the name of my favorite morrissey album. Now, im sure youre saying, what . Well, according to a 2017 report, more than nine Million People in britain are often or always feeling lonely. Howd they get that statistic . How do you find out that there are nine Million People feeling that way . Sorry, madame, none of your neighbors wanted to come over to visit, but they did report you to the government. laughter still, theresa may is sinking her teeth into this problem like a corgi into a beefeater. She said, i want to confront this challenge for our society and for all of us to take action to address the loneliness endured by the elderly, by carers, by those who have lost loved ones, people who have no one to talk to or share their thoughts and experiences with. And sometimes those people are even leaders of countries who spend all day making decisions about brexit, wielding power, no chums to have a laugh with and just stay in with a cup of tea and watch poldark. oh, dear god, im so alone. cheers and applause i dont even know what poldark is. Poldark. This is so british. They have oiferred the most ineffable human problem and come up with the most cold bureaucratic solution. They have reviewed your application and youre not lonely enough, im afraid. Your application for affection has been denied, but if you wish to eat your feelings, we are referring you to the ministry pudding. Weve got a great show for you tonight. J. K. Simmons is here. But when we come back, tactical baby gear. Charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. 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What pain . whispering dad trust me, we are going viral. Ing to work . S. kids laughing whispering mom lets send in max. kids max max now this, is internet gold going viral . Get scrubbing bubbles clean and disinfect. What . 20,000 views sc johnson. Cbs presented by target. Art and history spark connections across cultures, igniting curiosity, conversation, and inspiration. Thats why target supports the Asian Art Museum in san francisco. The asian museum is here to make asian arts and culture relevant. The reality is we all have a story to tell. Its what makes us who we are. Cbs eye on the community is sponsored by target. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human right over there there you go jon, jon, jon. cheers and applause jon yeah yeah stephen now, jon, im happy im happy i get to say this thank you very much. But im happy i get to say this, happy friday. Jon happy friday we made it. Stephen last night i couldnt tell if it was thursday or friday. Tonight i can tell its friday. Jon definitely friday. Stephen this is a friday right here. Im excited this friday, im going to be home, with my family. Im a dad. You can tell because i know a lot about the civil war, and my email address is at hotmail. Com. And as a dad, a caring, concerned dad, im always on the lookout for the newest dad trends, which is why i was so excited to hear about the latest craze militarystyle baby gear for dads. Finally, a baby carrier that protects both the babys delicate head and the daddys even more delicate sense of masculinity. Its all part of a growing trend of brodup baby supply Companies LikeMission Critical and tactical baby gear, who say they created products to cater to a market full of guys sick of diaper bag emasculation. Yeah, diapers are totally emasculating. I mean, half the time when you open them up, theres a tiny penis inside. Thats why its spooky stuff. Its scary. Thats why tactical baby gear boasts that theyve developed a line of accessories that look like they were ripped right out of a swat team van. Because nothing says good parents like the phrase, ripped out of a van. And there is no doubt, ladies and gentlemen, this hardcore gear finally makes fatherhood manly. Check out this promo featuring the t. B. G. Deuce tactical diaper bag. Stephen i think i know why there are no other families at that playground. You can pick up a diaper bag, pacifier clib and beer koozies. Because the best dads are a little buzz on. And this stuff is as tough as it looks. If youre interested in products that turn you into a total dadass, youre in the right place because its time for our first installment of cheers and applause stephen welcome to the nook, wussies. Remember our motto i am very secure. To show us some of the most hardcore baby gear on the market, please welcome my friend, comedian and retired marine, rob riggle. cheers and applause what up, bro . Hey, hey. Stephen thanks for being here. You bet. Happy to be here, but not so happy it makes me seem weak. laughter stephen so, what do you have to show us today, robert . First off, stephen, take a look at this crib. Tell me what you see . Stephen i see cuddly, soft, like its made for babies. Not anymore, my man. Youve heard of truck nutz . Stephen yeah now, theres crib sack. Thats right. laughter applause boom this thing just went from rocca bye baby to locked and cocked, baby. Stephen up top boom down low oh, yeah. cheers and applause stephen are you good . Yeah, im good. You good . Stephen im good all day. Yeah, im heavy metal polyalloyed good. Like super double good. laughter all right, all right. Lets move on, stephen. Ive got another baby bedroom product that im going to show you. Youre going to love this one. Look, theres nothings less manly than soothing. But its been proven by science nerds that babies calm down and fall asleep more quickly if you turn on a whitenoise machine. Stephen ugh, white noise the weakest kind of quiet. Oh, yeah. Yeah, when things are quiet, thats when you hear. The thoughts. laughter but not anymore not anymore. Introducing the mx80 assault soother. Take a listen. This puppys got over eight hours of highfidelity warfare. gunfire, explosions, warfare this puppys got over eight get some stephen you want some . Stephen im all in for a good nights sleep with this. Stephen sweet dreams, my little honey bear thats great for the home stuff, but what about appearing manual when youre taking your baby outdoors. Glad you asked, stephen. Step over here and take a look at the strollvee armored personnel stroller. laughter stephen thats sweet. Yeah. Stephen that is sweet. This thing can take a direct hit. Yeah, grab that. I want you to go ahead and channel all that rage from when you had the feelings at the art museum. Stephen monets water lillies opened a blossom in my soul yeah yeah yeah get some get some get some cheers and applause stephen that thing really takes a beating, rob. Oh, yeah, and you didnt even wake up little caleb. Stephen oh, my god, there is a baby in there . Hold on. I prefer the term preman. And reveille reveille got him. Get up, you little turd. There we go all right dont worry about caleb, all right. Hes got five confirmed kills already. Dont you got five confirmed kills. baby crying stephen uhoh, sounds like somebody needs a bottle. Now youre talking. Good idea, my friend. Stephen rob riggle everybody cheers and applause . Take care of those kids theyre our future stephen well be right back with j. K. Simmons. with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. in thto everyone else,ntal. Ieveryone else. 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With less pain, i can do more with my family talk to your doctor today. See if lyrica can help. Some retreat to thet woods for solitude. I just go downstairs. I love you, but sometimes you stink. Febreze air effects doesnt just mask, it cleans away odors. Because the things you love the most can stink. And try febreze small spaces to clean away odors for up to 30 days. Breathe happy with febreze. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back to the show. My first guest is an oscarwinning actor you know from whiplash Justice League and spiderman. Please welcome j. K. Simmons. Stephen there you go. Thank you, sir. Stephen nice to have you on again. Thank you so much for coming back. Its my pleasure gli very much enjoyed talking to you last time. Its been a year and a half, and im not surprised its been that long since we talked, not because we didnt want you because youve been a busy man. Is this all true . Since last time you were on in april of 2016, you have been in 13 movies and five tv series. cheers and applause keeps me off the streets. Stephen why the rush . How long do the doctors say you have . Yeah, i know, im trying to get in in while i can. Stephen this is a hurdle yow i like to stay busy. Stephen you do. And this happened. This is in some ways more impressive. Ill show them this photo because and i dont even know how to contextualize what im about to show these people, other than to say we did not doctor this photograph in any way. This is you. Look at j. K. Simmons, look at the guns. cheers and applause yeah. Stephen what . Why . Was this are you prepping . Are you is commissioner gordon going to, like, get superpowers . That was my hope, and anybody that saw Justice League clearly, that has not happened yet. But im keeping my fingers crossed. My friends kid called that shredded santa. laughter stephen how did you how long did this take . I have to ask you. Men of a certain age, i mean, just the muscle juice isnt what it used to be. This must have taken an enormous amount of work. Well, it did take and there was no juice involved, nothing, nothing it was all natural. Let me just put that out there. Stephen okay, sure, yeah. Not even spinach. Stephen no spinach, nog at all . Just going to the gym. Stephen do you still have this may i . Can i . laughter i dont want to just treat you like a piece of meat here, but wow. Thats nice. Its actually stephen im going to watch it with you, make sure i dont yeah, yeah. Took a little bit of a break over the holidays, but stephen wow, just over the holidays . So theres hope for me, is what i see. Absolutely. Stephen i understand you started out doing regional theater in montana. Whats the montana theater i mean, thats not something we normally associate with montana, is regional theater. What are the shows like . Like, okay, who wants to be the front of the horse . What is laughter what is that wouldnt oleos before the main show. Stephen okay. What was it like doing theater in montana . It was great. The place i started out at the big fork summer playhouse we did regular good old musical theater and repertory. Stephen sure. Sometimes after the show we would go regale some of the locals at the bar. Stephen as you do. With our musical theater brilliance. Stephen whether they wanted it or not, im guessing. Exactly, yes, yes. On one particular occasion we were we were doing the lumberjack song from monty python hes a lumberjack and hes okay i wear highheeled suspenders and a bra just like my dear papa the lumberjacks in the audience were not amused. Stephen there were actual lumberjacks. There was a lumberjack in the audience who went out to his truck and came back with his chain saw. Yeah, i i got your lumberjack. Good night. Stephen it was time it was time to leave montana. No, not the whole state. Just the long horn bar and grill. Stephen the new show youve got on starz is called counterpart . It is. Stephen okay. What is it about . Its a bit of a complicated story, i understand. It is way smarter than i am. Stephen okay. I will do moi best to explain it. Its about this bald dude. Stephen with big guns. Monster guns. Who who sort of unwittingly becomes part of something that hes just not ready to become a part of, and that i hate to give spoilers. Stephen we cant say anything . Because the actual thing i mean stephen there are two different universes. Theres two guys, theres two everything. Stephen there are two of you. There are two of me. Stephen and from two different timelines of earth history . From a the world was this, and then it just went. And it duplicated. Stephen i totally get it now. laughter im 100 on the bus at this point. But, really at its core, its like its a spy thriller and its very sort of complex and smart in that way. And then that scifi thing is like the cherry on top. Stephen we have a clip here where you, wearing all black, looking kind of badass, is in a scene with another one of you who looks a little more like an accountant, or Something Like that. Okay . Is that what he is . Thats pretty accurate not an accountant, but might as well be. A lowlevel cog. Stephen i had a sense of what it was. Can you tell us whats happening in this clip . Its me, one of me is wearing a black shirt and is kind of a badass, and the other one looks like an accountant. Laugh. Stephen okay, good, good, jim. Im sorry, weve done our part, all right . We keep doing everything youve asked for. Its time for you to be a little more forthright. What is this about . Theres been in fighting on leadership on my part. You heard about it . We heard a few things. Theres a faction maybe trying a takeover, unclear who exactly. Theyre hardline ideological. Dont care much for diplomacy. What do they want . Its been bad on my side for months now. Contentious, defection talk. People have been disappearing. And now the fight spills over. So what is this, theyre just picking off our people at random . Its not random. I dont know what it is, but its not random. Stephen yeah. applause i couldnt help but notice that one of you got more lines than the other one of you. laughter one of you is a real scene hog there. Yeah, yeah. And the other one just serves coffee. laughter . Stephen yeah. The other one is a barista, actually. Stephen youve worked with some great actors. How would you rank working with yourself . laughter . Its right up there. Stephen right up there, okay. Do you actually have scenes where you, like fight with yourself or anything like that . We havent gotten physical with each glrg verbal . You get verbal . We do. It gets a little heated. Stephen words can hit as hard as a fist sometimes. They can. Stephen they can. Love yourself. Now weve seen you done again, 13 movies over the last 18 months. Yeah, i mean, to be fair, its not like im, you know, brad pitt or george clean. Its not like im carrying all those movies. I mean, for me a movie can be show up, do a couple of days and get a paycheck and hit the road. Stephen so youre like an actor hobo. Im an iten rant trailer for sale or rent , of course, in all of our hearts, what well always remember you for is you are the voice of the yellow m m. Yeah . cheers and applause because which now, supposedly that, also, is vaguely based on this. I mean, i stephen seriously . Like they yeah. Stephen they drew this as you . When billie west and i started many moons ago. Stephen 20 years ago. Yes. They spent a lot of time videotaping us in our recording sessions so that i dont know. Stephen really . Yeah. Yeah. Its in there. Its in there somewhere. Stephen after 20 years youre, you know, you must have some sort of backstory for the yellow m m now. Whats his story . Make me understand this guy . laughter born and raised in georgia. laughter hes a peanut. laughter applause stephen yeah it is, yeah it is. Peanut m m. Anything else . Thats it . Went to acting school and lost the accent. Stephen so its really based on you. Thats pretty much it. Stephen its really based on you. Thats incredible. Now, when you eat m ms first of all, youre assuming thats sort of a weird cannibalism there but continue. Stephen you have to eat m ms, youre american, right . Thats true. Stephen is it difficult for you to eat yellow m ms or is it, this isnt right . Its a strange sort of selfpleasure. I appreciate the diversity and dive in and grab a handful. Stephen youre luke donald trump, you dont see color, you just see green. J. K. , nice to see you. Counterpart premieres this sunday on starz. J. K. Simmons, everybody. Well be right back. Directv has been rated number one in Customer Satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. But some people still like cable. Just like some people like preshaken sodas. Having their seat kicked on an airplane. Being rammed by a shopping cart. Sitting in gum. And walking into a glass door. But for everyone else, theres directv. For 1 rated Customer Satisfaction over cable, switch to directv and get a 200 reward card. Call 1800directv. Breakfast with a view like whwhoa. Is . Get a free build your own grand slam after your next online order in january. Whatever you want, whenever you want, now wherever you want. Order at dennys. Com. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back to the show, everybody. My next is a standup comedian who created and stars in hbos crashing. I could use some help, obviously. I work in an ice cream shop. I heard colbert is looking for writers. If we could submit, id love to submit a submission. Yeah, we could submit. You know those guys . No, but im good at guessing emails, you know . You just kind of watch the credits, take a crack at it. Stephencolbert colbert. Com. Whoever the producer is colbert. Com. You try the emails, the yahoos. You can go back to your hot mail, if you need to. Sometimes they have a. Me. Please welcome pete holmes. applause stephen hey, good to see you again are you worried . Stephen what . That we just leaked your email . Stephen not at all. Not at all. Why would i have an email that easy to find. Its crazy hey, good to see you again. Its wonderful to be here. Stephen the last time you were here you had just you got engaged. Got engaged. Thats what it is. Stephen in a way that was both interesting, exciting, and terrifying, right. Hot air balloon. Hot air balloon. applause i dont know i dont know why i looked to you like, hot air balloon. You know what to do. Yeah, and now, im married. Look, im a married person. Stephen congratulations. Thank you very much. Stephen clean yeah. Thats why i have a suit . This is the suit i got married in. Stephen really . Two months ago. Still fits. laughter . Stephen im a big fan of being married. Hows it work out so far . I love it. It does feel different. Were liturga gal creatures. I think you can appreciate that. Stephen was it a traditional wedding . Is your wife a comedian . My wife is not a comedian. A lot of my friends are antimarriage. Im glad youre pro marriage. Stephen yeah, but i was one of the first comedic friends to get married. Its just not done, men. Were like carney s. Stephen its kind of square. What i noticed is a lot of my friends who are antimarriage are protattoo. Yes, anticipating where the joke is going. Thats what i want. Theyre protattoo. These people are like, i dont know, man. I dont know how you can make a commitment like that. laughter im like, you have the word sublime on your neck in old english. Every Job Interview guto, thats going to be staring them in the face. Theyre going to be thinking, caress me down forever. The worst sublime song. Stephen okay, so so your comedy friends . Yeah. Stephen comedy toasts . Because those can be hazardous. Yeah. You never know. We had some good toasts. John melaney, friend of this very program. Stephen lovely, lovely fella. Gave a lovely toast. Then some of the amateurs did toasts. Its a mean thing to say about my college roommate. He was great. But my mother had had a few. Slippery american cocktails. laughter and this is true. She heckled at my wedding. laughter . Stephen she heckled the people giving toasts . Yes. So my roommate is up there like, ive known pete for you dont say pete. You say, this guy. And my mom is in the back saying, sit down youre ruining it stephen i like your mom yes, you should have my mom on. Stephen i would love to have your mom on. She would be great. Stephen whats her name. Irina. Stephen irina. Next time he comes youre booked. Are you going to live to rue the day. Stephen shes going to be in the front row during my monologue, sit down youre ruining it give the president a chance laughter . No, shes not a monster. laughter stephen she heckles at weddings, but she has limits. Yeah, yeah, she has her limits. I want to can i i was excited to do my one political joke. I only have one political joke. Stephen oh, please. Ill tell it to you. I think mike pence looks like the clear gummy bear. I think i think thats why he doesnt want to be alone in a room with a recommend too delicious. Thats it. Thats why i dont do political stuff. laughter . Stephen so married for two months, you said . Two months now, a little bit over. Stephen are the family members starting to say like, so how about the kid . When are you going to have kids . Yeah, wed thriek have kids. Its a magical thing. Sex, i mean. laughter sorry. I was just it is kind of a crazy thing. Were, like, having sex now way purpose. Wed thriek have lilgtd babys. I dont know if anyone can relate to this laughter not sex. I hope i hope you can relate to sex. I know every once in a while you meet a person who picked as their personality i hate kids. Stephen oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what im talking about . Stephen i know what youre talking about. Not really an interesting person, i hate kids. You they think that makes them interesting. I say, you cant. Youre not allowed. Thats us. Its not like another group. Its not like aliens inveiledded and infested us with children. That are like, theyre annoying. Yeah, they need help. Do you remember when you were three feet tall and the world was legs . Feed the kid. Youre not allowed to hate kids. And they say, yeah, but i wasnt annoying when i was a kid. And im like, yes, you were. You know how i know . Youre annoying now. applause so i want to have kids. Stephen well, good. Yeah stephen year, im all for it. Kids are great, kids are great. Stephen your wife. Shes not a comedian. Nope. Stephen does she engage in she likes the silly. Yeah. Stephen i am married to a noncomedian but shes on the comedic train. Is she a sillybillie. Stephen yeah. Not at first. At first she was like, why are you doing that . It makes no sense. Before we got married valerie, my life, is a sillybillie. Youre a sillybillie. We love colbert christmas. We bond over there. Stephen thanks very much. Thats the best christmas thing there is. Stephen thanks very much. Because like you its the right mix of cental christmasy and silly. Sometimes we dont watch tv. We play games. Sometimes we play a game we made up called smallest smile. Stephen smallest smile. Smallest smile. Im not playing right now because just hearing you say it is giving me the biggest smile. Stephen smallest smile. If the band is paying attention. Maybe we could have some help. Joe . Can you do a drum roll. This is how we can play. Can we play . Stephen sure. You look down, come up with a neutral face, and then present your smallest smile. When i look up, smart the drum roll and then ill present my smallest smile. Are you ready. Stephen and a clang for the smile . Yeah, you can do a clang. Clang is dealers choice. Here we go. Smallest smile. Am i out of focus . I dont want a soft focus. This isnt a nudie pic on cinemax. Stephen youre in focus here. Youre out of focus there. drum roll . Stephen i like it. Can i try . laughter applause can i try . I would be so honored if you would try. Stephen another okay. drum roll cheers and applause Stephen Lovely to see you. Lovely to see you. Stephen im going to Start Playing with that my wife. Me, too. Stephen crashing. Do you always put cheezit grooves in your sandwich . Of course. Theyre chips. Chips plus sandwich equals the perfect lunch. Oh dont forget the pickle. Its kind of a big dill. More cheezit variety, more cheese flavours. Because real cheese matters. More cheese flavours. Depression is a tangle that can make you sad, feel tired, and have difficulty concentrating. 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To fight back theraflus powerful new formula to defeat 7 cold and flu symptoms. Fast. So you can play on. Theraflu expressmax. New power. [ gasps, laughs ] you ever feel like. Cliche foil characters scheming against a top insurer for no reason . Nah. So, why dont we like flo . She has the name your price tool, and we want it. But why . Why dont we actually do any work . Why do you only own one suit . Its just the way it is, underdeveloped office character. Youre right. Thanks, bill. No, youre bill. Im tom. You know what . No one cares. I thought i was managing my moderate to severe Crohns Disease. Then i realized something was missing. Me. My symptoms were keeping me from being there. So, i talked to my doctor and learned humira is for people who still have symptoms of Crohns Disease after trying other medications. And the majority of people on humira saw significant symptom relief and many achieved remission in as little as 4 weeks. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Be there for you, and them. Ask your gastroenterologist about humira. With humira, remission is possible. Everybody well, look at that. What do you know . Its the end of another week of the trump presidency. That makes 52, not that im keeping track. Thats what the wall of my office is for. So, lets take a fond look back with the best of this weeks the late show. Tuesday, we had a president that i was proud to golf with, call my friend, who understood immigration had to be bipartisan. You had to have Border Security as essential. You have Border Security with a wall. But he also understood the idea that we had to do with with compassion. Now, i dont know where that guy went. I want him back. Stephen good point, senator. You know who i miss . This guy jiecialg you know how you make America Great again . Tell donald trump to go to hell. cheers and applause stephen according to a juicy report this weekend, donald trump paid a porn star 130,000 to stay silent over an alleged affair. That is truly shocking, that donald trump paid one of his contractors. laughter it turns out back in 2011, daniels did an interview with intouch magazine and the magazine verified daniels account and a polygraph. Wow, maybe intouch magazine should lead the russian investigation. There is no subject you shouldnt joke about. People get offended when they mistake the subject of joke with the actual target ask theyre not necessarily the same. And some people are offended, fine. You know, just because youre offended of doesnt mean youre right. Some people are offended by equality. Your president , hes offended by equality. It doesnt mean hes right. applause no, no, im not a racist. I am the least racist person you have ever interviewed. Stephen really . laughter the only way thats true is if that reporter works for kkkat fancy the magazine for racist feleans. White people say weird stuff. White people say weird things. Stephen what might be Something Weird i might say to you. Look at his nails, hes really nervous now what would i say if i was white, what would i say . Stephen this is how people watch get out. Stephen starting now, if you clap at the end of a movie you must stand up and explain to the audience why you think the movie hears you. Sometimes ill read a script and theres just no women in it. And im like this is a pretty manheavy movie, and i see a part or two in there that i think that i could play, will you call the producers and see if someone will see me for this part or that part . Stephen there was a particular part you remember, like, that you got flipped from male to female, like basic instinct . The wall will be paid for directly or indirectly, or through longer term reimbursement, by mexico, which has a ridiculous 71 billion trade surplus with the u. S. The 20 billion wall is peanuts compared to what mexico makes from the u. S. Nafta is a bad joke. No, mr. President. This is a bad joke how many Donald Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb . Well never know because after he screws something, he gives it 130,000 not to tell anybody. cheers and applause and applause stephen well be right back. Stick around. Late show. Pleaase join me next week when ill be joined by james corden, ann curry, and gwyneth paltrow. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show cheers and applause reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from antarctica and the north pole simultaneously, give it up for