Stephen anyway, have a great show. But you know who else loved it is when i washed yo yo mas cello, and he was so grateful. Stephen you washed his stradivarius . Oh, a stradivarius. So, its, like, 300 years old, so really dirty. So no wonder he was so grateful. He looked at me with tears of joy. It was so nice. laughter playing off key stephen anyway, great to see you. Break a leg tonight. Hey, stephen, stephen. Stephen yeah . Want me to give those glasses a good cleaning for the show . Stephen uh it helps. Stephen sure. Yeah, sure. No, you can leave them on, thats fine. Yeah, there you go. Splash it up good. There you go. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight at dershowitzs end plus, stephen welcomes steve martin and musical guest steve martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen come on cheers and applause wooo hello, citizens. Hello, citizens. Fantastic fantastic thats nice. You dont get to do that every day. cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, messeuir and madames, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And we are coming cheers and applause yeah. Jon yeah stephen you can feel a lot of energy in the country right now because we are coming to what might be the end of Donald Trumps impeachment trial. The republicans are trying to wrap it all up in time to not learn anything. laughter its all explained in the new film i dont want to know what you did last summer. laughter were going to find out. Im going to find out. Now coming to get you cheers and applause now, we learned a lot. There have been a lot of arguments today. And well tell you all about it in tonights don and the giant impeach. dingding oh, no oh, my goodness. Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. bell rings stephen today, we began a new phase of the trial, where senators can ask questions of the two sides lawyers sort of. Because under the trial rules, senators are to submit written queries to be read aloud by chief justice john roberts. So its kind of like sex ed, where they let the students submit uncomfortable questions anonymously. as roberts lets see here, the distinguished gentleman from indiana inquires can you get pregnant from hand stuff . you cant, you cant. Everything is fine. The star of todays trial was trumps lawyer and aging underwear model, Alan Dershowitz. Audience booooo stephen enjoy retirement. laughter he was, he was ready to go the moment he arrived at the senate building, proudly holding up a bag of utz sour cream and onion chips. Which i personally think they should use in a new ad campaign defending this president . That is utzd up. Now cheers and applause love it. I could go for a little utz. Jon barbecue flavor. Stephen when questions began, dershowitz launched into a sort of freudian defense. Every public official that i know believes that his election is in the Public Interest. Every president believes that. That is why its so dangerous to try to psychoanalyze a president , to try to get into the intricacies of the human mind stephen yes, so true, trumps mind is so intricate and hard to penetrate. Its full of complex ideas, like as trump sharks bad. Boobs good. Wheres food . Now, dershowitz previously gave us the crazy theory, quid pro quo isnt impeachable. Today, he rolled out his sequel it might be good every public official that i know believes that his election is in the Public Interest. And, mostly, you are right. Your election is in the Public Interest. And if a president does something which he believes will help him get elected, in the Public Interest, that cannot be the kind of quid pro quo that results in impeachment audience reacts stephen so. Let me get this straight hes saying that if a politician believes their reelection is in the Public Interest and he just said all politicians believe that, it naturally follows that anything they do to get reelected is fine. That seems like a crazy, corrupt argument. I mean, no one has ever argued that that quid pro quo isnt illgal. When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal. Stephen i stand corrected laughter i stand corrected. applause jon whoa, whoa. Stephen by yet another dick. laughter applause now, now, sifting through the logical turd dershowitz just pinched out in the senate well there, its hard to find the largest corn kernel of logical fallacy. laughter but i think its this his justification why any quid pro quo with a Foreign Government to manipulate our elections would be fine. Why is that again, alan . Your election is in the Public Interest. Stephen no, its not only the public gets to decide whats in the Public Interest, not the politician. cheers and applause that its its we the people not you the douche bag. Thats why on election day, you dont see a politician wearing a sticker that says, you voted. Trust me. Of course, esteemed counselor tightey whitey does think some quid pro quo might be possibly bad. It would be a much harder case if a hypothetical president of the United States said to a hypothetical leader of a foreign country, unless you build a hotel with my name on it and unless you give me a Million Dollar kickback, i will withhold the funds. Stephen as trump slow down, slow down, dersh. These are great ideas. Eric, start taking notes. What was that again . What was that again . Now, he continued with his blueprint for a Banana Republic a complex middle case is, i want to be elected. I think im a great president. I think im the greatest president there ever was, and if im not elected, the National Interest will suffer greatly. That cannot be an Impeachable Offense. Stephen that cannot be an Impeachable Offense . You can do anything if you believe in yourself . laughter what sort of inspirational posters are hanging in dershowitzs office . Confidence when you believe you can fly, youre always above the law. cheers and applause so so jon wow. Ooooh stephen so so what would make a quid quo pro illegal, Alan Dershowitz . The only thing that would make a quid pro quo unlawful is if the quo were, in some way, illegal. Stephen so the only way it would be illegal is if its illegal. laughter your logic is like a snake eating its own tail or a head eating its own ass, because im pretty sure you pulled that argument right out of the old dershy highway. laughter now, earlier today cheers and applause jon get it off. Stephen earlier today, trump held a signing ceremony for his u. S. M. C. A. Trade deal, and he got some of his senate buddies pumped to ask their questions. Ted cruz. Boy, has he been where is ted . Boy, oh, boy, and hes dying to get back there and ask those questions, i know. Hes sitting there, let me out of here, president i want to ask those questions hes got some beauties, ill bet. Stephen its true. In fact, we have a copy of ted cruzs first question today, why do people of earth recoil when viewing ted cruzs human smile . laughter the big decision the big decision hanging over the impeachment trial is whether or not the senate is going to allow any witnesses. Specifically, former National Security advisor john bolton, seen here after being told he cant have a balloon or a war with iran. laughter now, reportedly, in boltons upcoming book, he says trump told him personally that military aid to ukraine was being held up unless zelensky launched an investigation of the bidens. There it is. Thats not a smoking gun. That is a flamethrower that is on fire. Today cheers and applause today, naturally, in response to this revelation, today trump attacked boltons character tweeting as trump for a guy who couldnt get approved for the ambassador to the u. N. Years ago, couldnt get approved for anything since, begged me for a nonsenate approved job which i gave him despite many saying dont do it, sir takes the job, mistakenly says libyan model on tv, and dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, many more mistakes of judgement, gets fired because, frankly, if i listened to him, we would be in world war six by now, and goes out and immediately writes a nasty and untrue book, all classified National Security. Who would do this . First of all, world war six . Is that when we launch operation tokyo drift . laughter also, if everything bolton said is nasty and untrue, how can it also be classified . That would certainly change mission impossible. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is nasty and untrue. This tape will selfdestruct in five seconds. I lied, its two explosion laughter stephen trump also tweeted, why didnt john bolton complain about this nonsense a long time ago, when he was very publicly terminated . He said not that it matters nothing as trump he said nothing not that it matters. Because john boltons betrayal definitely didnt hurt my feelings. I dont spend my nights clutching the pringles can with his face on it, crying and eating his delicious crispy innards. laughter no. Me and dershowitz have moved on to our new friend, mr. Utz. laughter today cheers and applause its a callback, guys. Its a callback. Utz. Utz. Jon barbecue flavor still the one. Stephen today we learned that the white house issued a formal threat to bolton to keep him from publishing his book. Wow. So rare for trump to issue a formal threat. as trump dearest esteemed colleague, it is my sincerest recommendation that you keep one eye open while you sleep. laughter best regards to your family and your temporarily uncut brake cables, donald trump. laughter the threat came in the form of a letter to boltons lawyer, saying the book contained information at the top secret level that could cause exceptionally grave harm to the National Security of the United States. Well, given everything trumps done to harm the National Security of the United States, at this point, i think we can handle a book. laughter this is like cheers and applause this is this is this is like repeatedly getting run over by a bus, and then the paramedic says, okay, this cotton swab might sting a bit. The man charged with keeping bolton from testifying is Senate Majority leader, and Emperor Palpatines fun cousin, mitch mcconnell. Audience boooo stephen a little late with that. Now, yesterday, as the Washington Post put it, mcconnell told republican senators he does not yet have the votes yet to block. Witnesses. Nice editing, wapo. laughter but you know their motto grammar dies in darkness. laughter but it is news that mcconnell does not yet have enough votes yet. Its probably why he went up to capitol hill bright and early to lobby senators and sacrifice a goat. laughter mcconnell does not have the official vote count, but hes been tallying g. O. P. Support for witnesses by using a card with yes no and maybes marked on it. Hes treating impeachment like a seventh grader who has a crush. Passing notes that say do you like democracy . Yes, no, maybe. Also, mitt romney eats boogers, pass it on. laughter so we dont know if thats true. applause i dont know if thats true. I have no idea. Jon allegedly. Stephen no idea. Jon we never knew. Stephen so we dont know if witnesses are going to be called. But if youre looking for hope, maybe dont go asking chuck schumer. I think its up in the air. Is there a chance that we might get a vote to allow witnesses and documents . Yes. But it is also an uphill fight, and i wouldnt do any dances joy dances now. Yes, i would not. Stephen as schumer i would not be doing any dances, joy dances. Nor am i prepared to expel any mirth laughter or exchange any levity highfives. I am chuck schumer, and i am the physical manifestation of despair. laughter last night, trump got away from impeachment and made a visit to the wildwood boardwalk down in new jersey. Trump played a song in his speech i thought id never hear again. We are now building that beautiful wall. Mexico is, in fact, you will soon find out, paying for the wall. Okay . cheers and applause ill hit you with that. Now, the wall is ultimately and very nicely being paid for by mexico. Stephen dude, you dont need to keep lying about mexico paying for the wall. The jig is up. When parents tell their kids theyre taking them to disneyland and it turns out to be a trip to the dentist, they dont keep trying to convince them that theyre at disneyland. Hey, goofy is repeatedly stabbing you in the gums with a sickle probe. You love goofy ooh, blood in the sink its a root canal after all its a root canal after all applause weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause steve martin is here. And when we return, meanwhile i promise. Stick around. sprintern paul im loooooving the allnew camera system on iphone 11 paul and i love how at sprint. sprintern . You can get the amazing iphone 11 for zero dollars a month when you tradein your iphone 6s or newer. paul in any condition. sprintern seriously, in any condition. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Thats a zzzquil pure zzzs sleep. Our gummies contain a unique botanical blend, while an optimal melatonin level means no nextday grogginess. Zzzquil pure zzzs. Naturally superior sleep. I am totally blind. And non24 can throw my days and nights out of sync, keeping me from the things i love to do. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442142424. Othroughout the country for the past twelve years, mr. Michael bloomberg is here. Vo leadership in action. Mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. Obama at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. Bloomberg im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Folks, frequent viewers of this show know i spend a lot of time right over there unpacking the biggest, most crucial news stories, laying them all out, then meticulously assembling them into the awesome, impressively detailed lego millennium falcon that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to collect all the leftover bits, the spare wheels, the discarded 2x2 flat tires, the extra fourtop bricks, slap them together with some rubber bands, add an old train locomotive, then strap a dinosaur on and a Bottle Rocket to make the backyard rocket car of news that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause meanwhile its simple, its delicious. Meanwhile, the Sheriffs Department of san miguel, colorado, went viral yesterday after issuing this warning large boulder the size of a small boulder is completely blocking eastbound lane of highway 145. Wow, yeah. To move that, theyre going to need a mediumsized crane. The size of a huge crane. laughter meanwhile, an Oxford University professor has created a patch infused with bacon to help vegans cope with meat cravings. laughter hopefully, the patch goes across the vegans mouth so they cant keep talking about how cashew butter rebalanced their gut biome. laughter no one cares. No one cares. applause heres how this will not work when a person who is wearing the patch scratches it, it produces a smell similar to that of cooked bacon, so they can imagine that they are eating bacon, which should supposedly sate their appetite. Right, because the normal human reaction to smelling bacon is to no longer want to eat bacon. laughter meanwhile, walmart is now selling a rose wine drink enhancer that can be used to turn your water into a delicious glass of wine to achieve the perfect nonalcoholic drink. Its all the things you love about wine, without the only thing you love about wine. laughter applause and and the reviews are in, with one drinker saying, its amazing if you add a few drops to vodka. laughter yeah thats right just throw a few drops of this magic rose mixer into your vodka, and all your friends will be saying, are you okay . laughter meanwhile, scientists used a 3d printer, a loudspeaker, and Computer Software to recreate the voice of a 3,000yearold mummy. Heres what they actually came up with groaning laughter stephen i cant can we hear that again . Is it possible . Can we hear that again . groaning i cant believe thats what mummies sound like. Its going to really knock some of the suspense out of our movies. So whats it say . translating coptic groaning stephen well be right back. cheers and applause v, biktarvy is a complete, onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv to help you get to and stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low it cant be measured by a lab test. Research shows people who take hiv treatment every day and get to and stay undetectabe can no longer transmit hiv through sex. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music tis better than the criminal in democrathe white house. Esident we all have progressive plans to address the big challenges facing our country. What makes me different, is ive been working for ten years outside of washington, to end the corporate takeover of our democracy, and to return power to the American People. I started need to impeach to hold this lawless president accountable. Im proposing big reforms like term limits. A national referendum. And ending corporate money in politics. As president , ill declare Climate Change an emergency on day 1. And, use those powers to finally address the climate crisis. And, ive spent 30 years building a Successful International business. So, i can take on donald trump on the economy and beat him. Im tom steyer and i approve this message because there is nothing more powerful than the unified voice of the American People. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back give it up for the band, jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause exciting night. Exciting night, jon. Jon yeah, yeah stephen very exciting. You know im happy. Im happy. Thanks, everybody. Folks, were all very excited because my guest tonight is a comedian, actor, author, and banjoist. He has been honored with grammys, an emmy, and an academy award. Please welcome back to the late show, steve martin cheers and applause stephen whats hold on one second. Whats whats the deal . Whats going on . bell ringing oh, shoot, sorry. Yeah, i forgot. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the steve martin. cheers and applause thank you cheers and applause thank you very much. Stephen good to see you again. Good to see you again. Thank you. Stephen its not only nice to see you as, like, a fan and as a colleague, but its nice to see you, because you look fantastic. I know. I know. laughter and thats what was so amazing. No, ill be honest with you. I woke up about three days ago, and i looked at myself, and i said, whoa im im having a moment right now; and i need to go on a tv show right away. Stephen so people can see it. Yeah, yeah, so people can see it. In two days it could be just unh. Stephen you and the great marty short yes. Stephen do a show around the country. People may not know it. applause the great marty short. Now, do i have this correctly, you are actually taking your show to the u. K. . Yes, we are. Were going to dublin, glasgow, belfast, and london. Stephen now, just is it a coincidence by the way, thats just exactly what ireland needs is another leprechaun. Marty short. Its just like laughter stephen now, is it a coincidence youre going over there, and harry and meghan are coming to north america, and now theres an open slot in the royal family . Yup, yup. Well, there is a big difference between meghan and harry and marty and me. Stephen whats that . We show up. audience reacts and did you know by the way, i found this very touching. Meghan markle on the queens 93rd birthday, gave her an engraved bracelet. Stephen oh, thats lovely. What did it say . It said, do not resuscitate. laughter stephen youll do great yeah. Stephen youll do great so do you how do you think you would do as a royal . I think i probably have royal blood, and if theres room for me over there, whatever they want, im there. Stephen what makes you think you have royal blood . Have you had your genealogy or anything done like that . Well, no just based on looks alone. Do you have a photo a photo of the queen to look at, just to compare. Stephen is that what this is no, no, we have it right here. Is this thats it, yeah. You could show that. Yeah. laughter stephen yeah. I see it. Its nice applause she looks she looks good. Fantastic. Stephen she looks good she should get on tv. Yeah, do not resuscitate that guy, either. Stephen and marty . I dont think do you have a photo of marty there . Stephen i do. Its a little less regal, slightly less. Thats marty. Stephen there you go. laughter now, this is is this true that i just heard that you and the cowgirl here are going to do a tv show together . We are. For hulu. Stephen okay. And its either cheers and applause stephen thats tv. Its either hulu or hula. Which is a very different. No, were doing actually a filmed crime show. Stephen like a procedural . Yeah, and the title of the show is, only murders in the building you think im joking but this is true. Its called only murders in the building. Were two older guys who live in a. Stephen a building. Building. laughter coop, i guess they call it. Stephen yeah, sure. We discover, even though we dont know each other, we both have an interest in true crime shows. And we thought, well maybe we could spend some time solving true crime shows and then we realized well, were older and kind of tired, so we think, well well only do murders in the building, so. laughter stephen i dont want you to give anything away, i dont want you to give anything away, but i assume somebody is murdered in your building . Exactly. Youre a smart guy. Stephen im in tv. Im in tv. I know how this works. Now when i can see it this . Well, we dont start shooting until next fall. So, youll probably see it next fall. Stephen so ill be dead, ill be dead by the time it comes on. Youll see it in the summer. Stephen okay, so speaking of british royalty. Sure. Stephen we all lost comedic royalty last week, when the great terry jones died, from monty python and the flying circus. Did you know those guys . I did. I had several occasions through the years to spend time with them. I became Close Friends with eric idle and john cleese. Stephen thats extraordinary. And i first met them well i first met them in 1980. They were doing the hollywood bowl. And i was living there and i said, ive never met these guys and id like to meet them, so i invited them to an afterparty at my house. Stephen and they came . Yes and they all came. Stephen wow. And they were sweet and it was nice. And i had a jacuzzi, and terry jones is the only one and he got in naked, and he was by himself. Just sitting there naked. Stephen ive seen several photos of him naked. laughter well, thats a hobby. Stephen playing the piano, right . No, that was a thing. He enjoyed being naked. No, he did, he did play piano naked. And then they sent me a wonderful gift. And i actually brought it, because its kind of a special object. Stephen this is a real thing. This is not a bit. Not a gag. Its a ceramic foot and they all signed it. Stephen shall i put it right here . Yeah, and they all signed it and ive had it on my little shelf stephen the night that they visited . What . Stephen did they sign this the night that they visited . Well, then they subsequently sent it, because its glazed. Stephen oh, i see. Thats why the signatures havent worn off. Stephen theres terry jones, and eric idle. Oh my god. Its going to be very sad when i auction this. But still, you know laughter stephen let me bid. Let me bid. Its going to be sad when i drop it. I worked with them dont drop that. Stephen i just want to put it over here so i dont. Put it over there. Stephen why dont you put it over there on the seat next to you so im not responsible for it. Oh, so im ayay thanks. laughter stephen whats it like for somebody as big as you in 1980 not that youre not huge now. But in 1980 what are you saying . Stephen no, what im saying is that you were okay. Stephen you were new and huge. Yes, thats true. Stephen new and huge, and had really changed comedy, and what was it like for you to meet a comedic hero . Nice of you to say. For me to meet them . Stephen what was it like for you . I was thinking the other way around. Stephen yes. laughter how do you express to your comedic heroes, like, what they mean to you . Well, its very awkward. Its like anyone you meet, when theyre up, you know, youre just kind of nervous around them. Stephen sure. And you want to impress them. And i figured they would hate me because my comedy was very broad and kind of stupid, thats the intent. And their comedy was very subtle and sophisticated. Stephen thats a very generous description and we met somewhere in the midwest. Stephen thats a very generous description of the ministry of funny walks. Yeah. laughter stephen but if you had any advice for somebody like me if i were to ever meet a comedic hero and i havent yet laughter and applause but if i were to meet a comedic hero . Yeah, perfect chord. Stephen how would i express that to this comedic hero, without making them feel uncomfortable . I would say, hey, i respect you so much, and ive followed you my whole life, and you always meant a lot to me. Stephen thank you. Yeah, youre welcome. laughter stephen i will do that. I will do exactly that. Yeah. You know, you might want to rehearse it. Go ahead. Stephen i can try that . I have followed your work your entire great, thanks. Anyway, ive got to go. Oh, a card fell. Oh, this is so funny. Anyway, go ahead. laughter stephen you know, that seems like a good time for a commercial break. Why dont we take a commercial break, but dont you go away because well be right back with more mr. Steve martin. cheers and applause band playing real people with psoriasis look and feel better with cosentyx. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. 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Doordash. Every flavor welcome. Mis the nations oldest blackowned design and construction firm. Before mike, we were desperate. There were not a lot of opportunities for blackowned businesses to compete. Mike saw that and he leveled the Playing Field for blackowned businesses. Over the years, we have heard a lot of talk. But mike came in, and he actually did something about it. And thats how mike will get it done as president. Im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody were back here with mr. Steve martin. Steve, do you get stopped on the street . Occasionally. Things just tend to stick in your head. I remember it was early, it was like the 80s, and i had, you know, made a comedy movie, and you always test them. You test, you go in for a test screening, and we had people in there. So after the screening, a woman spotted me because you always want to hear how the laughs go. And she came up and said, i loved this movie. And my husband loved it. And he hates you. laughter stephen wow. And, lets see, this happened in the summer. I was in san antonio, and it was memorial day. And i was playing a music show there, actually with the Steep Canyon Rangers, who im going to play a song with later. And i always liked to get to know a town and so id walk around on my own and there was nobody in the town because they were all at the parade. So i was Walking Around and i come around a corner and there were three kind of guys drinking it up pretty good in a stairwell. And one of them is standing there and hes singing, and hes singing incoherently. And hes holding bottle with a paper bag and hes going. Bah da bah and i walked by and he went bah da bah hey, steve martin. laughter and i realized he wasnt drunk at all. He was just singing incoherently. Yeah. Stephen do you you have i have something here. Sure. Stephen which i think is just wonderful. Okay. Stephen this is a note, i think when so many people were stopping you. Oh yes. Stephen you came up with this wonderful note to give people. May i show this to the audience . Well, i can explain this. People would come up and ask for an autograph. And i thought about it, what is an autograph, all this psychological stuff. And i thought really what theyre doing is meeting you for whatever happens, for four, five seconds, but then they go back and somebody says, what was he like . Youre supposed to get an impression of someone in four or five seconds so i made up this card to give to people to tell them exactly the kind of encounter they had. Stephen would you like to read this if i hold this up . It says, this certifies that you have had a personal encounter with me and that you found me warm, polite, intelligent, and funny. applause stephen thats nice. And it had, whats whats interesting and i put my signature on that. Stephen sure. It was like a printed signature. So id give it and theyd laugh and theyd go, can you sign that . Defeats the purpose. laughter stephen did you, you also this is what i love. I get a lot of letters and i dont always have time to write people back. Well, this was, you know, during the 70s and 80s. And i would get letters from people, and the instinct, of course, is to want to be personal and write but you dont have time. Stephen of course. So i came up with this kind of form letter that would be, that i could fill in, so thered be a little contact, and it would also be, hopefully. Funny. Stephen okay. Want me to read it . Stephen that would be wonderful. Is the camera coming in . Stephen can we see that one . Yeah. It says, dear jerry, what a pleasure it was to receive a letter from you, although my schedule is very busy, i decided to take time out to write you a personal reply. laughter too often, performers lose contact with their audience and begin to take them for granted but i dont think that will happen to me, will it. Jerry . laughter i dont know when ill be appearing close to you, but keep that extra bunk made up in case i get to. Flint. And i sign and it says, p. S. , ill always cherish that time we spent together in rio, walking on the beach and looking at rocks. It was fun to do. Stephen that is lovely. That is very thoughtful. It is very thoughtful, isnt it . Stephen i actually had one of these letters printed out. And know you dont have time to write me a personal thank you letter for being on the show. Would you mind. Would you like me to write one . Stephen would you mind . Here, you can write on the back of this. I got a pen. Oh stephen okay, im sorry. Oops, i apologize. Hilarious oh, my god tha happened laughter okay, dear. Stephen stephen. Stephen. You know, we spell our names the exact same way, stephen. Stephen but youre steve. I know, but youre not going around being going, stephen. That would be so arrogant. laughter stephen uhhuh, uhhuh. And give me that name again. That wont happen to me will it. Stephen stephen. Stephen, okay. I dont know when ill be appearing close to you, but keep that extra bunk made up in case i get to whats the name of the show . Stephen the late show. The late show stephen the late show. Yeah, okay. Ill also cherish that after we spent together in rio walking on the beach, looking at. Each other. Youre welcome. Stephen i will have this framed. Youve got to sign it. Oh, yeah, ill sign it. I dont even know how to sign my name. Stephen thank you very much. Its going to be so sad when i sell this on ebay. By the way, were killing it. Oh, yeah. Stephen now, i like to keep up with your music. Thank you. Stephen we love having you on here. Stephen by yourself or with the Steep Canyon Rangers. And tell me what youre performing with them tonight . Im doing a song its kind of a stray. Because last time we were on the show, we had an album called the long awaited album. Stephen yeah. applause you know, we did a single. But when i was all done, i had a song left over that i wrote after we had recorded it, and i thought well, it will just sit there. And then i realized, you know what people dont want . 12 songs. So, ive got one song. Lets just do a single. Thats my belief. Youre in an album. Youre two songs in, you go, im happy. Or, i think about this when im doing the show with marty. I think, were 20 minutes in, the audience thinks i got it. I dont need to see anymore. I got it. You could think that with death of a salesman. You could just go, yeah, its sad. Yeah, lets go. laughter but i do keep up with contemporary music, too. Its not just bluegrass. Stephen popular music, too . Popular music. Stephen what do you like . The song old town road was a big stephen huge hit. Hit in our house, too. Stephen really . Because it would come on and my daughter would run out and shed get so excited and i would swing her around. Grab her by the arms, swing her around and toss her in the air. Stephen thats beautiful. How old is she . Shes 55. laughter stephen okay. Well, youre very strong. Youre very strong. Yeah, yeah. Stephen you stay very fit. And tossing her in the air. Stephen yeah. Well steve, please dont go. Because then you wouldnt be able to play a song. Im not going, thats why i came here. laughter also stephen because you look good. The money, yeah. Stephen steve, lovely to see you. Steve martin, everybody. Well be right back with a performance by steve martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers cheers and applause band playing reeses eggs are back and we hid them somewhere youll never find. Sike we put them everywhere. Grocery stores and supermarkets, gas stations, and chiropractors offices, bowling alleys, and grocery stores, which we already mentioned. Not sorry, reeses. You care about the planet, but you dont drink like it. By 2050 there will be more plastic in the ocean than fish. Brita. Drink like you care. Land youll see its actuallyn made of countless imperfections. Those randomly and impulsively placed sesame seeds. That one slice of melty cheese at the bottom and another draped haphazardly over the 100 fresh beef patty cooked right when you order. True, the hottest, juiciest quarter pounder yet is not perfect. But when you put it all together, ha ha its perfect made perfecter. Ba da ba ba ba while the middleclass continues to struggle. Thats what happens when billionaires are able to control the political system. Our campaign is funded by the working people of this country, and those are the people that i will represent. No more tax breaks for billionaires. We are going to guarantee health care to all people and create up to 20 million good paying jobs to save this planet. Im Bernie Sanders and i approve this message because we need an economy that works for all of us, not just wealthy campaign contributors. applause or make me feel like im not really there. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442342424. Im loooooving the allnew camera system on iphone 11 paul and i love how at sprint. sprintern . You can get the amazing iphone 11 for zero dollars a month when you tradein your iphone 6s or newer. paul in any condition. sprintern seriously, in any condition. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. worried im not picking it up. You pick it up im not picking it up ill pick it up theyre clean raps cuz my hineys clean. Oh yeah im charmin clean. Charmin ultra strong just cleans better. Enjoy the go with charmin. [sfx bullwhip cracks] make your move cowboy. Old town road by lil nas xs i got the horses in the back horse tack is attached hat is matte black, got the boots thats black to match im gonna take my horse to the old town road, im gonna ride til i cant no more doritos® cool ranch just got cooler. I aint dancin. Othroughout the country for the past twelve years, doritos® cool ranch just got cooler. Mr. Michael bloomberg is here. Vo leadership in action. Mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. Obama at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. Bloomberg im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. Brzezinsktom steyer. K at this. Berman tom steyer. Odonnell surging in nevada. Scarborough this is working for tom steyer. Odonnell surging in south carolina. Smerconish i dont think its just resources. Mitchell surging in two new polls out of nevada and south carolina. Wallace polling at double digits. King up eleven points from october. That is dramatic. Steyer im saying we have a broken government. Thats whats going on in washington, dc. Its been bought by corporations, and my question to the American People is who do you think is going to change that . Im tom steyer and i approve this message. Stephen now, performing their new single california, please welcome steve martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers with peter asher. cheers and applause took a house in california overlooks the sunset strip said youd join me when im settled now i sit here, six weeks in oklahomas got tornadoes dont you want the l. A. Sun . Watching airplanes on the glide path on the front porch drinking rum wheres your suitcase wheres your toothbrush wheres your first draft manuscript wheres the girl i fell in love with . Wheres our new relationship said you hated working retail said youd join me on the coast come to l. A. Bring your laptop sell your show to hbo wheres your suitcase wheres your toothbrush wheres your first draft manuscript wheres your dog i fell in love with i could use companionship went to whole foods bought some goat cheese girl in shorts gives me a smile she advances im responsive what the heck its been a while went to her place in the bird streets shes got legal weed for two left the house did not inhale it i could only think of you can you call me can you write me send me just a fingerprint wheres the face i fell in love with and the heart that goes with it . cheers and applause thank you stephen thank you, Steve Stephen california is available now. Steve martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers, everybody well be right back. Tom steyer listen, every democrat running for president is better than the criminal in the white house. We all have progressive plans to address the big challenges facing our country. What makes me different, is ive been working for ten years outside of washington, to end the corporate takeover of our democracy, and to return power to the American People. I started need to impeach to hold this lawless president accountable. Im proposing big reforms like term limits. A national referendum. And ending corporate money in politics. As president , ill declare Climate Change an emergency on day 1. And, use those powers to finally address the climate crisis. And, ive spent 30 years building a Successful International business. So, i can take on donald trump on the economy and beat him. Im tom steyer and i approve this message because there is nothing more powerful than the unified voice of the American People. You know, the happiest place on earth, but. Have you flown the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy . Or channeled your inner jedi . You gotta love that. Have you raced through radiator springs . Or struck a power pose with them . Now is the perfect time to feel like this. And this. And definitely that. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child per day, with a 3day 1park per day ticket. Othroughout the country for the past twelve years,child mr. Michael bloomberg is here. Vo leadership in action. Mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. Obama at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. Bloomberg im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. Stephen good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right