Pray to me from home. What words can i speak that they will heed . Um, try flatten the curve or dont be a jerk. Also, people are going to ask what theyre supposed to do all day while theyre quarantined. How shall i answer them . Tell them they Just Announced a new episode of tiger king. Also, worry not, i will send down a savior. They will ask what is his name . His name is jared kushner. silence gotcha oh, moses, you should have seen your face nit, mk onmaffber a sucker anne also stephen welcomes chance the rapper and musical guest jim james, with a special appearance by lady gaga, featuring jon batiste and sta stay homin. Now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody, and welcome to the late show. Im your shows Stephen Colbert. I hope youre safe and sound. Were enderring week four of sesola or historians cl itcanned bek government officials and Health Experts are warning that this sw yet of ton. I hope you know th and your families are in our thoughts, and if you want them, my prayers. But im guessing thats not why you tuned in tonight. Youre here for the jokes. So lets give that a shot. There is one optimist in this sea of sober reality donald trump. After saying yesterday that this was going to be a tough week, this morning he tweeted, light at the end of the tunnel laughter i hold on. Look who just got here look who ruined my first take laughter its okay. Its okay. There you go. Hi. Trumps just trying to lift the national mood, which is why hes introducing his own line of motivational posters called shoutspirations, featuring hopeful allcaps messages like as trump the glass is halffull its always darkest before the dawn and, every day is a gift despite experts saying we need a national stayathome order, trump has refused to implement one, so social distancing requirements have been left up to the states, and while some state officials are taking it seriously, others are not. Take georgia governor brian kemp, seen here trying to remember his own name. G the pandemic, kemp enraged local leaders by reopening all the states beaches, an order which supersedes those issued on the city or county level. That would be like a teenager deciding not to go to a house party and his dad saying, no, you will go, you will drink too much jagermeister, and you will try to jump over the bonfire to impress the seniors, young man and if there is no vomit on those shoes when you come back there will be hell to pay, young man. Here are my keys some local officials are customizing their requirements. For example, instead of stay six feet apart, one florida county told residents to keep at least one large alligator between you and everyone else at all times. Luckily, everyone in florida is issued an alligator. And, of course, youre going to want to keep six feet away from the alligator. Florida has inspired other states to explain social distancing in ways locals can understand. Government officials in colorado say you should stand about two bongs away from each other. Or one really good bong. If you live in philadelphia, keep a distance of at least one passedout eagles fan. In california, a safe distance between people is about two and a half kevin harts. And citizens of rhode island are being encouraged to stay one rhode island away from each other. Louisianas governor has ordered a statewide shutdown, banning gatherings of ten or more people, but one pastor at a church near baton rouge held pick them up. Remember jesus words, i was naked and you clothed me, i was sick and you put me on a crowded bus . Are you crazy . Im contagious when they got off their plague buses, the pastor told the congregation they had nothing to fear but fear itself. Sorry, pastor, these days fears like third on the list. After coronavirus and running out of toilet paper. One house of worship that is shutting down is the church of the holy sepulchre in jerusalem. Recently, the Church Closed its doors for the First Time Since the black plague. Wow. Tough to be the guy who runs the gift shop. He gets a day off every plague. The holy sepulchre is believed by many christians to be the site of jesus tomb, so closing it right before easter seems particularly harsh. Good luck getting out this time, jesus. Youve been punkd. Even though the church has not been closed in over 600 years the front door does have locks, as you can see here. Fun fact the guy locking one of the holiest sites in christianity is a muslim. See, christians fought among themselves for which denomination should be in charge of the church, so one family of sunni muslims have been entrusted with the keys to the church for more than eight centuries. They just keep it under the doormat. Lets shift from faith to science, where we really should put our faith right now. Scientists are working hard to develop coronavirus treatments. But for now, we should all try to avoid misinformation about unproven cures. And theres one popular source of rumors everyone should ignore. And here he is the f. D. A. Also gave emergency authorization for hydroxy. Chlor chloroquine. Were just hearing really positive stories. What do you have to lose . Ill say it again. What do you have to lose . Take it. I really think they should take it. But its their choice. And its their doctors choice or the doctors in the hospital. But hydroxychloroquine. Try it. If youd like. Stephen yes, try it if you like it. And if youre worried about the effects just remember that donald trump is a doctor. Im not a doctor. Stephen my mistake. Turns out, actual doctors do not suggest taking hydroxychloroquine for covid19 because there is no evidence yet to suggest it protects against the virus. And also, this drug could cause dangerous irregular heartbeats that could be fatal. Still, the pharmaceutical industrys embracing trumps endorsement with this new ad ask your doctor if hydroxychloroquine is right for you. Then, no matter what they say, try it, if youd like. What do you have to lose . Side effects may include losing a lot. Stephen where did trumps obsession with hydroxychloroquine come from . Well, apparently, from former new york city mayor rudy giuliani, seen here halfway through giving himself a haircut. Giuliani has been touting the drug as a possible coronavirus treatment in private conversations with the president. Which explains trumps other coronavirus cure a bottle of chianti at noon. Rudy h oof medal experts advising him a long island Family Doctor with a following in the conservative media, and a former pharmacist who once pleaded guilty to conspiring to extort the actor steven seagal. You know its messed up when former pharmacist isnt the worst part of that sentence. Returning to actual scientists, the c. D. C. Issued new guidance because, after months of advising americans not to wear masks, theyre now advising all americans to wear cloth or fabric Face Coverings, which can be made at home, when entering public spaces to prevent spreading the infection to others. We were supposed to be covering our faces this whole time . Oh, my god, billy porter tried to warn us. whispering im sorry, billy. Given the sudden reversal, this new guidance is a little confusing. But on friday the president used his Daily Briefing to make it even more confusing. In light of these studies, the c. D. C. Is advising the use of nonmedical cloth Face Covering as an additional voluntary Public Health measure. So, its voluntary; you dont have to do it. But this is voluntary. I dont think im going to be doing it. Well, i just dont want to wear one myself. Stephen of course trump is the guy saying he doesnt want to wear protection. as trump masks are like the condom of the face. It kills the feeling. I mean, theres a reason i dont wear a raincoat in the shower or a condom during sex. That jokes based on a true story. The coronavirus situation is also dire in the u. K. So yesterday the queen made a rare, moraleboosting public address. I am speaking to you at what i know is an increasingly challenging time. Stephen its truly generous of her Royal Highness to wear green screen, so that her homebound subjects can dress her in whatever they want. Say, lady gagas meat dress or unlikely animal friendships or, better yet, a scene from the crown. Its truly inspiring to hear from the worlds longest reigning sovereign, especially considering the technical difficulties involved in getting a 93yearold to record herself on an iphone. Maam, hit the little thing. Im speaking to you almost, almost, now its just your hand. There you are maam, now youre muted. We cant hear you im speaking to you at what i know is a much better i believe were all good, your majesty. Oh, wonderful, youve been zoomed by one of the corgis. God save the you stephen weve got a show for you tonight. My guest is chance the rapper. When we return, a very special surprise guest with a very special surprise announcement. Its lady gaga and its about a charity concert. Stick around. piano music guys guys safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. Way more than you think. Check out this game. Yes. Galaxy 5g means you will beat your friends what if i want to show my friend this little guy . Calling the whole gang is even better with galaxy 5g. Wait a minute, are you bored . Obviously imagine a future where the best seats in the house are in your hand. With galaxy 5g yelling its like being there. Without being there. Without being there. [woof] dry spray dries in an instant. Leaving these men with nothing to do in this ad. Thankfully, weve got something to fill the time, instantly putting these guys back into their comfort zone. Dove dry spray dries instantly and keeps you protected for 48 hours. Just like covered california teammateshelps you finder find a dove dry way to win, instantly Health Insurance you can afford. Theyre the only place you can get Financial Assistance to help pay for Health Coverage. Plus, this year, the state is providing more help than ever before. And because a new law requires californians to have Health Coverage or pay a penalty, covered california has made it easier to get financial help, but times limited. Visit coveredca. Com or call to enroll today. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. In honoring of continuing the show, i thought maybe just a little more flesh, huh . You like . Now, i dont know about you, but even when im stuck at home, i cant help but feel i want to be doing more to help. Then i realize there is something i can do and thats because of something you out there already did. A few years ago we ate the late show published a book whose boat is this boat made entirely of quotes made in Hurricane Florence the proceeds going to those in disasters. We raised millions of dollars. It worked. Hurricane florence never came back. Well, ive always said viruses are the new hurricanes, and im proud to say that finally makes sense. Tonight im announcing well be giving 150,000 from the most recent sales of this book to help victims of the pandemic. The money will be split between world central kitchen where our old friend joseee andreees is helping put food on the table for hundreds of thousands of families who are out of work and give directly where it distributes cash where it can do the most good, our nations poorest households. You all made this possible with your generosity and, now, were all doing the right thing by selfisolating at home, protecting your friends and neighbors, and its working. The curve is beginning to flatten. So i wanted to celebrate how americans are all coming together by staying apart with these united we stand divided tshirts. Were selling them now at colbertlateshow. Com, and 100 of the proceeds will also be split between these two charities. This stylish and charitable shirt is perfect for every day in your living room or maybe a fancy night out standing in your hallway. Be sure to get one in your current size, and one in the size you will be after all of your stresseating. Just head to colbertlateshow. Com to order yours today. Soon, youll be saying hello to your very own shirt. Remember, you cant spell isolation without ola, t and to everybody out there, thanks for all that youve already done, thanks for all that you will do, and thanks to all that you do do. And yes, i just said do do. Oh, sorry it looks like im getting a zoom request. This is a little awkward because im trying to do a show, but it must be important. Grammy oscar winning singer actor, and person i know so well i call her stefani, lady gaga hi, stephen, how are you . Stephen im doing great our zoom Book Club Party doesnt start till 8 00. I dont even have the chardonnay chilled yet. Whats going on . Thats okay. Im already wasted. Its fine. Stephen good, good. Stay loose. Stay loose. Whats going on . How are you . Im doing great. Everybodys safe and sound. We feel very blessed all here together. How are you doing . Stephen same thing. Same thing. Were all together. My kids are my crew right now, my daughter is doing my makeup, im surround bid loved ones and, you know, my family is healthy right now and, for that, i feel blessed. Thats wonderful. Stephen so whats going on . I understand that you and i are going to be doing something together pretty soon. Well, so i am creating a special for the World Health Association and Global Citizen and its called one Health Together at home. It turns out do you know a host of the show . Stephen whos hosting it . Something that big, youve got to have a big host. You, man. Stephen what . thats what it says on the blue card right here. Jimmy kimmel and jimmy falon . Thats right. Stephen i know those guys. I wrote it down on a postit. Stephen i got it here, i got it there. Falon, kimmel and colbert, not in any particular order. And abc agreed to let me have all three of you. I feel so lucky. Stephen and we are honored to be up there with you. Just like Bradley Cooper in a star is born well be standing there peaking our pants standing beside you. No, you cant do that. This show is not going to be a fundraiser. We have raised the money ahead of time. Were going to continue fundraising before the show. So when you introduce the whole special. You can tell everyone put your wallets away and your money away because we dont need it because we raised the money already and were very excited for them to just watch and enjoy the show. Stephen the program, april. Other musicians will be joined from their own homes. Chris martin, elton john, lizzo, paul mccartney. Tune in to figure out which forgets to unmute their zoom. Its going to be exciting. Was i unmuted this whole time . Stephen no, we wouldnt dare. Its basically on every channel, including this one. So everybody out there has to do is just not turn off their tv for the next 12 days and theyre ready to go. Just leave your tv on, stephen will be there or one of the jimmies will be there. You know who else well have . Our friends from sesame street. Stephen thats fantastic. A muppet can be used as a face mask in an emergency. You know, ive asked about all sorts of things that could be used in case of an emergency in front of your face. Its a very complicated topic. Stephen well get into it april 18th. Exactly. Stephen thank you so much. Thank you. Stephen no, thank you. I really want to thank you for all that you do, going and being with people in their homes every night, i know its something thats very heart warming to americas and thank you so much for being a part of this special because really and truly, the fact that the three of you are coming together to do the show, the type of do you knowty and the solidarity we all need right now and the start ofo genuine, sincere kindness. So thank you very much. And also thank you to verizon for their donation to the solidarity fund. Stephen absolutely. My phone is on me, so if anyone wants to call in and donate now, thats part of our corporate or philanthropic kindness coalition. I would love to hear from you. Until then, ill see you soon, stephen, because we have a lot of work to do. Stephen i know. And youre make this announcement on the other guys shows tonight, too, right . Yeah. Stephen say hi to them for me. I think im sweating. laughter i love you. Stay safe, God Bless America and the world. Stephen amen. Lady gaga, everybody. Well be right back im not picking it up. You pick it up im not picking it up. Well somebodys gotta pick it up ill pick it up theyre clean cuz my hineys clean. Oh yeah im charmin clean. Thats how i know theyre clean. Charmin ultra strong is woven like a washcloth and just cleans better. Yeah, im charmin clean. Thats right my hineys clean. The kid does have a point enjoy the go with charmin. And for an extra clean finish. Try charmin flushable wipes. I am totally blind. And non24 can throw my days and nights out of sync, keeping me from the things i love to do. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442142424. When they bundle home and auto with progressive. Wow, thats. And now the progressive commercial halftime show, featuring smash mouth. Hey now, youre an all star get your game on, go play thank you goodnight [ cheers and applause ] now enjoy the second half of the commercial even renters can bundle and save where did that come from . The kitchen. It was halftime. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Tonight, im excited to sit down with a threetime grammy winning musician who is now hosting a reboot of punkd. Please welcome chance the rapper hey stephen how are you doing . Im good, man. How are you . Stephen im doing all right. Im with my family and everybody is, you know, healthy and reasonably happy for people who are on top of each other right now. Are you there with your family . Yeah, were all here. Kinsey is doing nap time and so is marley and in the kitchen cooking something, so, yeah, were all chilling, happy to be able to social distance even from each other. Stephen in 2019 you released an album, got married, had a second baby. Why did you get so much done in 2019. Did you see this coming in 2020 and did everything when you had down time . I didnt see this coming. It was a jam packed year with probably some of the biggest and best memories of my lifetime and, yeah, im glad all that stuff wasnt scheduled for 2020. Stephen well, now youre stuck at home like everybody else doing the right thing by, you know, social distancing. So its you, your wife kristen, kinsley. Its kinsley, marley, kirston and i. Stephen who is winning, team child or team adult . The kids are beating our amsz. I dont know if i can say that on zoom but stephen sure. But theyre defeating us. Stephen in what reel snm. Just their overall presence. I feel like i didnt have 2002 kids till this quarantine started. Between the nanny and the grandparents and the school, we basically just gave each other high fives every day and and now its like a full on oneonone or oneontwo time all the time. Stephen ive said it before, theyre small but relentless opponents. Yeah, they are beating us up. Kinsley, for one, she really likes to play the game candy land. I dont know if you remember candy land. Yeah. She has some sort of fix on the game where she wins all the time. Theres no strategy, its supposed ton random. Stephen candy land ninja . Yeah, and she puts it in your face when she wins. Shes a tough opponent for sure. Stephen i understand you gave up french fries for lent. Is that something that you can maintain. Are you asking that because you know i have french fries waiting for me downstairs right now . laughter i feel so bad because i havent been doing too well. There was a series of foods we were supposed to give up and a schedule for what times we were supposed to eat and i was doing well on most things things. The thing thats been bothersome has been the fried foods and mainly french fries. Stephen sure. Its so stressful now. Stephen i would think quarantine made it easier to give up french fries. Do you have a home fryer . Ill pan fry with a little grease and frozen french fries. Or they still do postmates. There are still people out delivering food and all. Stephen i feel ya, i gave up meat for lent, but ever since the quarantine, man, i have been cooking steaks. I hope jesus will forgive me. Thats how i have been feeling, man. I have been feeling so convicted. The days seem longer. Did they add hours once this quarantine thing started . Stephen i dont know. I dont know. Hey, what kind of music are you playing these days . What are you listening to . Well, to be honest, we have been listening to a lot of gospel music, a lot of kirk franklin, fred hammond, kanyes new album, some of the recorded Live Performances that he did. Theres this one song by the mississippi mass childrens choir called im blessed that we have been playing a lot lately. Mississippi mass childrens choir. Im blessed. Its been definitely holding us down. Thats mainly and then some of the newer songs. Drake has as a new song thats got, like, a dance to it. Doing a lot of tick tocks. We have been doing literally anything we can do. I just built a bicycle less than an hour ago. Stephen you built a by sickle . I built a bicycle for kinsley with training cheelswheels. I dont know if youve ever had to do this, but when you get a bike that you have to put together yourself, you have to pull the brake system as tight as you can and then wrap it around and screw it in. Stephen yeah, i threw up a Youtube Video last week of me changing an inner tube. What . Stephen im doing all kinds of things i used to when i was a kid that i havent done in a long time. Old skills coming back when you need them. Were going to be just fine. Stephen have you been listening to any bill withers . I have, man. Its really hit me hard when he passed away the other day because, for whatever reason, we were playing oh, i know what it was, me and my wife were listening to a play list and diggity by black street came on and i said, this is a sample of grandmas hands by bill withers, and we started playing it. Then a few days later he passed away. His catalog was so close to me buzz my grandmother had a record player at his house and a few records. And coincidentally it was bill withers and kenny rogers who passed away recently whose music we were playing. For different sized lps there are different speeds. Stephen yeah, 45, 33 and 78. And i grew up on kanye and he used to speed up the samples and they would sound like chipmunks. So i would listen to aint no sunshine and lovely day sped up. But hes one of the greatest songwriters that ever lived for sure. Stephen how is your grandmother . Shes good, man. Shes very good. Shes on instagram now. Shes been sending me memes, which is so strange, because shes pli grand shes my grandma. I think she scrolls instagram all day. I get a dm of app crazy christian meme every day. Stephen whats a crazy christian meme . Lets see stephen were all worried about the grandparents out there because we want to keep them safe and sound. It can be hard because you want to go take care of them, but the thing youre supposed to do is leave them alone right now. For real. It ive only had to my own dad has a preexisting condition, so i havent been able to see my mom and dad for a while, and, occasionally, im able to drop off my daughter at my motherinlaws house, and whenever im driving im, like, i should go see my grandma, and obviously i cant because weve got to be responsible. Thank god for facetime. Stephen i feel like i know your grandma a little bit. I know she can say with her voice and her way she loves you. All the kneels of the nephews are the layers. The only one she loves is jesus christ. Praying with her hand side, medy td me i shod take owyou know the lyr better than me n int to church with candy, the peppermint was the truth laughter ive seen a lot of videos. You can rap basically any rapper song better than they can themselves. Stephen youre hosting the show, its chance the tv show host, youre doing punkd on keepy. Why did you want to get in my lane man . I saw you doing it and i thought, that looks easy. Thats just a joke. laughter its incredibly difficult when you have to do it in practice. So, it was a cool experience. I was lucky enough to take on a show that has all this history behind it and one of my favorite shows when i became a preteen or a between or whatever you want to call it and ashen had this show where for the first time we got to see celebrities not all glammed up, like in their regular lives, dealing with ridiculous circumstances, and it was all, you know, in good sport and fun and me get together do it this time was very different, very cool. Stephen can you give us any hint of who you might be doing this to . Um, yeah, i could give you a couple of hints. I mean, just know a lot of them are, like, Close Friends of mine, people ive worked with music on before. Stephen okay. You know, one of my favorite ones, i will go out and say, a couple of my favorite ones are by, offset from the amigos, and tie dollar sign. They probably have the best reactions in punk history. Stephen do they take it well . No, no, no, no. No. Stephen you feel bad about it all . Because youre a nice person. Do you not feel bad about this at all . No, i did. I felt a lot of ways about it. Actually, i would say, like, 25 into shooting this, i kind of pivoted it to be more geared towards people i knew instead of strangers that were celebrities because, you know i mean, for one, it wasnt announced that i was hosting punkd until we filmed the entire series. Stephen thats smart. Its smart to get them involved, but then once you have to do the reveal, and youve gotten them to this high point of beinged off, and then i run out theyre, like, what are you doing here . Chance the rapper . Im, like, i brought back punkd stephen did you ever feel in danger for your safety . Several times. We actually had plans to do dejuan the rock Johnson Dewayne the rock johnson, andldn too big for the show, but, like, in physical stature, he could beat the hell out of me, so i started switching it to smaller, closer friends of mine. Stephen but still great ratings. Yeah, it would be huge for my career. Stephen the rock beats the rapper. Yeah. I guess that would be cool for giggles. But not for my own physical health. Stephen chance, my friend, we have to take a little bit of a break. Well be right back with more chance the rapper. Stick around, everybody. Thats why lincoln offers you the ability to purchase a new vehicle remotely with participating dealers. 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During these Uncertain Times we want you to get the Great Service you expect without leaving the safety of your home. Sprint. Com makes shopping easier by offering free next day shipping and no activation fees on our best new phone deals, like the amazing iphone 11 for just 15 a month when you switch. For now sprint. Com is the best way to learn about our plans, buy new phones and get the services you need. Stay healthy and go to sprint. Com today. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com stephen hey, everybody were here with our friend chance the rapper. Chance, youre very open aboutaw to give you any strength to get through this time everybody is going through right now . Definitely. I think theres a lot of messaging out there right now that were all taking in so much information, and not, like, firsthand information, but, like, were watching tv or the news or getting a lot of information from so many places, and a lot of it is telling us not to dwell on this time and being lacks or lazy and to get as much done as possible. But i think one way to look at this is as, you know, an ordained, divine moment of rest, you know what i mean . I think its, like, i think this is one situation where, regardless of your wealth or your class or your race or your, you know, whatever you had going on, everybodys at a pause, and i think its the perfect time to open your book and hear the word. And one scripture thats been standing out to me is matthew 11 28, and jesus was surrounded by these towns people and he was telling them to go get john the baptist, and hes explaining his ways. He was the rabbi, he was the teacher. And theres, lets see i got it right here. Matthew 11, verse 28. And jesus said stephen somebody go get john. Yeah. He definitely was telling them to go get john. Stephen go get john matthew 11, verse 28 this is the new living translation is the one i read, not the king james version. Stephen okay. Then jesus said come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and i will give you rest. I think thats what weve got to do, rest up, you know. That doesnt mean not taking care of your work, like entertaining your kids or building bikes or, you know, reading the word, but, you know, everything doesnt have to be for the benefit of business. Some things could be for the benefit of your spirit is that beautifully said. By jesus, not you. Yeah, yeah. No, those arent my words. Those come from upstairs. Stephen well, chance, good to see you. Its always good to see you, man. Come to the studio. Stephen i look forward to it. Come back and do another song. I look forward to it. Stay safe. You, too. Stay inside. 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And now with a special tribute performance of bill withers lean one, please welcome my morning jackets, jim james sometimes in our lives we all have pain we all have sorrow but if we are wise we know that theres always tomorrow lean on me when youre not strong and ill be your friend ill help you carry on for it wont be long til im gonna need somebody to lean on please swallow your pride if i have things you need to borrow for no one can fill those of your needs that you wont let show you just call on me brother when you need a hand we all need somebody to lean on i just might have a problem that youll understand we all need somebody to lean on lean on me when youre not strong and ill be your friend ill help you carry on for it wont be long til im gonna need somebody to lean on you just call on me brother when you need a hand we all need somebody to lean on i just might have a problem that youll understand we all need somebody to lean on if there is a load you have to bear that you cant carry im right up the road ill share your load if you just call me call me, uh huh if you need a friend if you ever need a friend call me, call me call me, call me call me, call me if you ever need a friend call me, call me stephen jim james everybody. Well be right back. Stephen thats it for a late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guest will be conan obrien, plus a performance by michael stipe. Wash your hands thats everybody, not just michael stipe. Good night. You, too, michael. Now, enjoy some music from our own jon batiste. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late late show re