Maybe it wont. What the hell do you got to lose . Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight home sweet show plus, stephen welcomes conan obrien and musical guest michael stipe. Featuring jon batiste and stay homein. And now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, i was just pretend they go could be at home without a camera. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Happy to be here. Happy. Tuesday, i think . It is tuesday. Good. Thank you, thank you, sir. I dont always know. Im so grateful that im still able to do a show for you guys and for all of you out there watching, one assumes. Its possible my producers are lying to me that were broadcasting at all. Sure, stephen, weve put a van on your front lawn. It talks to space. Now take a shower and shout into your phone. Whatever. Im grateful for something to do. Now, there is one aspect of the show that i have really been missing and that is my conversations with our friend jon batiste. Last couple of weeks, jons music has been featured throughout the show, but we have not connected on the air yet. So lets give that a shot. Jon b. Jon hey stephen whats going on, my friend . Jon im quarantined as we all are. This is the show were doing right now, right. Stephen were doing the show right now. Jon okay, so, hey, everybody, in the audience, or at home. I hope youre safe. Stephen yes, i hope they are, too. Youre right to ask whether this is a show. Because it does not it almost entirely but does not completely feel like a show. Jon it absolutely doesnt feel like a show. Theres no audience. I dont feel the inperson energy. I really miss that, but were doing what we can. Stephen how is your family down in new orleans . I know there have been a lot of cases down in louisiana. Jon you know, i really am grateful for everybody on the front lines, you know. Theres so much that we we have we have to go through. This is just the beginning. I can feel that we havent even really hit that intensity of where the moment is going to go. And im just grateful for the people on the front lines in louisiana. My family is staying home. And my sister, she has she has been working from home, and my parents are retired so, you know, family time. Stephen thats nice. Thats nice. You can play us a Little Something while i go back to start monologue . Jon oh, yeah, of course. Stephen what have you got. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Now, one thing i have not been missing is donald trump. And yet, he persists. Yesterday, donald trump was asked about a criticalreport from the health and Human Services administrations Inspector General, and he was not amused. Reporter i know you dont want to talk about the Inspector Generals report, but testing is still a big issue in this country. Stephen uh he reacts like a teenage girl. as teenage girl ll tell you what. You just got tested and you are positive for being a total bitch. Thats my new trump impression. Trump explained that Global Pandemic is not the federal governments job. Hospitals can do their own testing, also. States can do their own testing. States are supposed to be doing testing. Hospitals are supposed to be doing testing. Do you understand that . Were the federal government. Listen, were the federal government. Were not supposed to stand on street corners doing testing. Stephen first of all, yes, it is the federal governments job. Second, street corners . Who does he think does the testing . as sex worker hey, baby. You need a date . How about 5 dollars for a hand swab . Trump then pointed to a chart that he had, that showed the country had gone from almost no testing to some testing, and scolded the reporter. You should say, congratulations, great job, instead of being so horrid in the way you ask a question. Stephen yes, a reporters job isnt to ask questions. It is to praise the president for doing a great job, just like when woodward and bernstein got nixon that congrats on the corruption cake. From there, it was just open season on every reporter who asked about the i. G. Report, like abcs jon karl. Reporter if i could follow up on this question of the h. H. S. Inspector general. It wasnt so much her opinion, but they interviewed 323 different hospitals. Well, it still could be her opinion. When was she appointed . When was she appointed . Reporter she did serve in the previous administration. Oh, you didnt tell me that. Oh, i see. Youre a thirdrate reporter, and what you just said is a disgrace. Thank you very much, jon. Thank you very much. You will never make it. Stephen what is wrong for him . For the record, this Inspector General started under bill clinton, served eight years under george bush you know what . Who gives a bleep . All of the drama no longer plays to the camera, sir, not even to your own supporters because it doesnt matter you who voted for. Everyone just wants to know the truth because thats how you stay alive so grow up and do your damn job. We have to. You should, too. Is it still tuesday . Yup. Stephen trump also revealed that he had a phone call with joe biden. I also spoke, just a few minutes ago, with Vice President former Vice President biden, who called, and we had a really wonderful, warm conversation. It was a very nice conversation. We talked about pretty much this. This is what we talked about. He gave me his point of view, and i fully understood that. And we just had a very friendly conversation. Stephen yes, it was a perfectly friendly conversation. Joe biden offered advice on how to deal with the pandemic, and trump asked biden if he had any dirt on joe biden. Oh, speak of joe biden. There was an election today in wisconsin. Now,pi the fact t eve other state has postponed its primary this month, or moved to mailin ballots, of at the insistence of the republican legislature, the badger state went ahead with their primary. Its wisconsins way of showing New Hampshire that you can live free and die. Heres how we got into this mess. Yesterday, there was a lastminute order from wisconsins democratic governor and irondeficient anthony fauci, tony evers. Evers gave the order to postpone inperson voting due to the coronavirus. But just hours later, the Wisconsin Supreme Court overturned him. Le risk eir liveto vote, but the ruling was no surprise coming from chief justice jigsaw. as jigsaw ive hidden the ballot inside your abdomen. To vote, you must cut yourself open with an i voted sticker. stephen the ruling went up to the u. S. Supreme court, and the conservative majority blocked extended voting in wisconsin by a vote of 5 to 4. Well, of course, the Supreme Court is used to voting while social distancing. Everyone knows to stay at least six feet away from Brett Kavanaugh after hes boofed. So voters were forced to do their best today, lining up at polling places to perform their constitutional duty, and hoping not to get sick. Luckily, a lot of wisconsin residents already have all the materials they meade to make thur own masks. Again, its only tuesday tuesday . Tuesday. But its already been a terrible week for acting secretary of the navy and man who ordered his hairline to retreat, thomas modly. It all started last week when the concerned commander of the Aircraft Carrier, the u. S. S. Theodore roosevelt, wrote a memo to the u. S. Navy saying that, of his 4,000 crew, more than 100 sailors were already infected with the coronavirus, saying, we are not at war. Sailors do not need to die. And warned his superiors that sailors aboard the Aircraft Carrier would die unless about 90 of the crew were moved into individual quarantine. And sailors are at particularly high risk. You know how the popular song goes in the navy cough on your fellow man hey, no need to wash your hands it goes on from there. The memo was leaked to the press, so modly sprang into action to rectify the situation, and fired captain crozier. Heres a video of the crew sending the captain off. applause cheers . Captain crozier captain crozier. Captain crozier stephen did you hear that chanting . Hes the most popular captain since crunch. But firing crozier wasnt good enough for modley. No, sunday, modley went aboard the u. S. S. Theodore roosevelt and gave a speech to the sailors, trashing their beloved captain. What the bleep . Stephen i agree with that sailor. What the bleep . Read the room, modly. The man youre calling stupid just tried to save your audiences lives. Thatd be like telling the survivors of sully sullenbergers plane okay, that was a nice landing, but can we talk about that stupid mustache now . Theres no way tom hanks will ever play that guy, am i right . Am i right . And, secretary modly, if you didnt think your tonedeaf speech was going to get out into the public, youre either too naive or too stupid to be running the navy. Oh, but wait, theres more. Because then modly shifted gears from insulting the captain to insulting the crew. Stephen first of all, dont imply the crew is a bunch of cowards because they dont want to catch a deadly virus. They signed up to serve their country, not endanger their lives for no reason on a ship. If they wanted to do that, theyd go on a cruise. I just dont understand why hes going after the crew of the teddy roosevelt. T. R. s motto was talk softly and carry a big stick, not talk loudly and be a big dick. Well, after the audio leaked, modly released this statement i stand by every word i said. Okay, good for you. Be a man. Take your licks. Stand up for yourself. And then he took a few licks, and the next day he sat his ass down. Let me be clear. I do not think captain Brett Crozier is naive nor stupid. Yeah, i stand by every word, take back every word i said about the captain and the crew. But i did mean it when i said the word ship. hey, you know who might need a big ship . The u. F. C. Because theyve just announced, they are getting a private island to hold weekly fights amid the coronavirus crisis. I dont see why they need to do this. Why do you want a fight island . If you want a fight island, come to manhattan and try to buy two rolls of toilet paper. Its a total bloodbath, and theres nothing to wipe it up with. U. F. C. President , dana white, assured viewers that the private island where men beat each other for our amusement will be totally safe. Were going to make sure that 100 healthy athletes, healthy Athletic Commission people, healthy judges, referees, my production people; that everybody there is going to be healthy. Were going to make sure everybodys going to be safe before, during, and after the fights. Stephen wait, during the fights . Dont worry. After i shatter your eye socket, im going to wash my hands for two happy birthdays. Now ill punch you in the throat. Mr. White explained how he plans to keep the island covidfree. We have all our own planes and everything. Everybody is going to be pretested and tested and tested and tested. Stephen so the good news is there are plenty of coronavirus tests. The bad news . Theyre all on fight island. So, if your nanas got a fever, just pop a mouthguard in and lower her into the octagon. Weve got a show for you tonight. Up next, i talk to my old friend conan obrien on my show. Or is he talking to me on his show . Is game. Yes. Galaxy 5g means you will beat your friends what if i want to show my friend this little guy . Calling the whole gang is even better with galaxy 5g. Wait a minute, are you bored . Obviously imagine a future where the best seats in the house are in your hand. With galaxy 5g yelling its like being there. Without being there. Without being there. 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How much time do you want to do, stephen . Stephen they listen what works for you. Stephen any amount works for me. They we put it in for 12. Yup. Stephen but i think thats probably well probably go long and then do some chops or something. Stephen and keep every second of it. Keep every second. Stephen all of this is in. Were rolling on this right now. This stuff should be the show. Stephen i really think it should, actually. Set and i mean really mundane stephen even when the show is back in the studio . Yeah. And andy will say, i had really good almonds. And ill say, i didnt know you could eat almonds . And somebody will inevitably say, this, should be the show no it shouldnt be the show. Stephen this should be the show now. No one can do their job well . I beg to differ. I think you and i are killing it. Stephen thank you, conan. That was a test and you passed. Thank you. Stephen im ready to go whenever you are. Well, im thrilled because my next guest is one of my 11 te latenight hosts. Hes, of course, on cbs. Hes beloved. Stephen colbert. So good to have you on my show, stephen. Stephen thank you, conan. Now, a lesser man would would fight with you right now and say, no, no, youre on my show. But i have been a host long enough to know that the host actually does most of the work, so you go right ahead, buddy. I see what youre doing. Beautiful. Stephen ask away. Ask away. All the weights on you now. Check. Mate. You fell into my trap. Beautiful judo move. Stephen thank you very much. Beautifully done. Stephen thank you very much. Beautifully done. Stephen how are you handling your isolation . I miss the laughter. I miss the joy that i bring ll wha about ur sw . Y that . I i dont know how youre dealing with, this but i find that i really do i really do mis i love the family time im getting. Dont get me wrong. I love that. And we are screening classic movies at night. We watch classic movies, comedy they say loved growing up that i show my to bond with them in that way. But i do have to say, i i really miss and i think everybody is missing this right now talking to other people, being in the office, having that kind of being able to yell at people in person. Stephen sure. Belittle them in person. Stephen yeah. I cant do that now. I do it with sarcastic texts and its not the same. Stephen doesnt have the inflection. How about you . How are you handling it . Stephen i miss the audience because i get all of my value from their praise. I have no selfworth at all. I only exist, really, in reflection to them chanting my name. Its been rough. Its been rough at times. Thats great that your audience chants thur yaim. Mine stopped doing that about four years ago. When they chant my name now, its usually as an angry mob so i envy you. Stephen i have a bone to pick you with . What is that. Stephen about a year ago you stpped wearing a suit and tie and started going casual, jeans, maybe a leather jacket. What did you know that the rest of us didnt know. Your dad is an epidemiologist, right . Did he give you the inside scoop . Yeah, my dad has been a microbiings on. Thats his profession and he told me about a year ago, truff me, theres this thing coming, and youre going to be broadcasting from home, so you should probably switch out of the suit and tie. I said, dad, shouldnt we be spreading this information for more useful purposes . And he said, i look after my own. Thats a quote. And then he hung up the phone. Stephen can i ask you whats going on in this room . Tell me about the room you chose. Why did you choose where you are right now to host . Okay, well do my room, and then well talk about your room, which i find to be stephen go ahead. My room has yeahat ishe to hide in this room. Stephen i dont know. I have my bust of teddy roosevelt, my everpresent bust of teddy roosevelt. Of course, ive got this mug, which is the original, that Robert Smigle gave me years ago which i have had on my test since 1993. The eyesen hour mug. I have a guitar. I have everything i need. I have another guitar right here. Theres really not much to see in this room. I am a simple man with simple needs. Stephen are you going to be your own musical guest at any point . Youve got the instrument. Yes, i have the instruments, not the talent. So, no, that will not be happening. I dont want to inflict with america. And i have a bone to pick with you while were picking bones. Are you using stateoftheart equipment. I am broadcasting on on baskly a phone. I am broadcasting my show on a phone. I tune in, i check out your show, youre clearly and i know my cameras youre on a sony hdc1700 4k. Stephen its a sony xdes and cam, hd, youre right. You know why . Because ive been in this business a long time. And know my cameras. Stephen i have a satellite truck parked on my lawn. Incredible. Stephen thank you. Let me tell stephen listen, buddy, i did it your way for the first week that we did it. I literally just did everything off of an ipad bounced on the side of a bathtub with a bottle of bubble bath to keep it from tipping in and killing me, okay. So dont tell me. Ive been in it. Okay, let me tell you let me tell you how i have been doing it. We record my show on a flip phone. When the show is over, i put it into a cardboard tube, and i put it in the u. S. Mail. And it goes to turneradquarten. Thats how weveh wh you story of oh, your hardships. Youve got a satellite truck on your lawn. Its been years since i saw a satellite truck. Stephen uhhuh. Im bitter and enraged. You can tell . Stephen uhhuh. I back off. Please back off. laughter please back off. That was that was like a topographical map of mars. Red, craggy. Stephen, let me ask you a question. I know that youre a man who occasionally likes his cocktail. Stephen i do, yeah. Are you some people are drinking a little too much during this period, and i think its fair to ask you, are you indulging a little bit right now . Do you have a hip flask i cant see . Stephen i dont, but i do actually have a bottle of gin in my desk. Wow. Stephen is that a bad sign. Thats the bad its not that you have it. Its that youre hiding tstephen. Thats the real problem, you know. And ive got something equally cool and sexy, which is i have this little bobblehead abraham lincoln. Stephen wow. Which actually, if you pop the top, its rum. Stephen what else do i have . I have some books. I read some of them. I have an album of james brown live at the apollo. Stephen okay, thats cool. I have this is a picture this is a picture of my dad. Thats a picture of my dad right there when he was in the thats cool. Stephen he was in the army. He was a captain. These are his dog tags right there. Thats very cool. Stephen he was an immunologist at the at the National Institutes of health, actually. He was basically anthony fauci. Leprosy was his specialty. Where did your dad go to college. Stephen the same place my dad went, holy cross. Which is where my dad went. Im serious. High dad is a microbiologist, specializes in Infectious Diseases and went to Holy Cross College like your dad and like fauci. Stephen when did your dad graduate from holy cross . 1875. Stephen there you go. There you go. Can you ballpark it. My dad graduated in 1942. My dad would be, i think, a little later. I think my dad would be in the late 40s. I want to say 1948, maybe. Stephen thats right. I actually have some questions. I can try this questions . Yes, yes. You can try some questions. Its very nice because youre on my show, but ill let you ask your questions. Stephen thank you. Are you exercising . I do very little exercise. Everything is my whole body is turning into a sort of white pudding, like a tapioca. Stephen lovely. Yeah, its really stephen lovely. Id take off my shirt if your if you could handle it, if you could handle the light imbalance. Stephen sure. But i dont think you could. Stephen well just put a polarized lens up so we can handle the solar flare. Im sure you have all that equipment. Stephen we do. Im very jealous of your fancy cbs equipment. Stephen were shooting this right now with the hubble telescope. Actually, were capturing your emage in infrared. If you could forward that to my dermatologist so i could just get myself checked id be very happy. Stephen well be right back with more conan obrien. How was that . Did you like that . That was awful. Stephen maybe we wont be back with more conan obrien. T. With little candy noses, bunnies are so sweet. Rice krispie treats make easter hop how many ways can you. Snap, crackle, pop . Find these treats and more at ricekrispies. Com. Who has the highest percentage of its vehiclesto longevity, still on the road today . Subaru. When it comes to best overall value, who does intellichoice rank number one . Subaru. And when it comes to safety, who has more twenty twenty iihs top safety pick plus winning vehicles . More than toyota, honda, and hyundaicombined . Subaru. Its easy to love a car you can trust. Its easy to love a subaru. male vo get 0 apr financing for 63 months on select subaru models now through april 30. I am totally blind. And non24 can make me show up too early. Or too late. Or make me feel like im not really there. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442342424. [ chuckles ] so, what are some Key Takeaways from this commercial . Did any of you hear the bundle your home and auto part . I like that, just not when it comes out of her mouth. Yeah, as a mother, i wouldnt want my kids to see that. Good mom. To see wait. Im sorry. What . Dont kids see enough violence as it is . Ive seen violence. Ay into character, like mr. Bundles. Top o the bundle to you. [ laughter ] bundle, bundle, bundle. My kids would love that. Yeah. You may not be thinking about blood donation, but blood is needed to save the lives of people who are sick with a range of illnesses. Its easy and safe to give. If you are in good health, please donate. We need heroes now. Visit red cross blood dot org to schedule an appointment. Stephen hey, everybody, were back with more conan obrien. Still there. Act like you care stephen i care. Im throwing it away. Im throwing it away, man. Im just throwing itback herith. Show me what its like to care about a guest. Show me. Ill show you. sighs i dont want to i dont want to leave, stephen, but the network has business to conduct, so i have to go. So were going to take a break. But when we come back and we will come back im going to spend more precious time with Stephen Colbert. He means a lot to me. And i know he does to you. Now, let me ask you a question, if were going to do this whole asking a question thing. Stephen my life is an open book, conan. Im glad you said that. Many relationships are in trouble right now youre man spreading by the way. I can see all of you. Stephen not on this camera. Only on your camera. What people at home dont know, your camera, youre getting the floor show, but nobody up there can see it. I can see everything, and my hats off to you. Im very impressed. Stephen thank you. A lot of relationships are strained right now. Hundes nottialong together. Ste y e guy neveenpier weve erat. Everything honey, would you come in here . Shes too happy to come in. She doesnt she doesnt want to come in. You havent eyes on her in three days, have you . Stephen i cant remember what she looks like, conan. How about liza. How are you guys getting along . Well, liza and i are doing pretty well. Were doing pretty well. There was a period there where it got bad, where i took lipstick and drew a face on a broom, and i was talking to that for a while. And we actually our marriage flushished for a while under those conditions. The broom and i, were getting along so well. Stephen she swept you off your feet. Okay okay, really, okay. Stephen anything, anything to fill time. Huge. Stephen but it really is lovely. My children are adults. Theyre being very patient with me. My youngest is 18. And my oldest one, like, peter is what are you, 45 . Oldest boy. Hes 21. My daughter is 24 . 24, right . Shes going to be so mad they had to guess. Shes 24. And were kind of having to get out of their way. They deserve to not have us on you know, hovering over them all the time. Theyre actually theyre really quite selfactualized, much more than i was at that age. We want to get out of their way but we cant. My son is flourishing in this environment, because he loves hes 14. He loves tech. So hes working on his computer. Hes coding. Hes talking to his friends. Hes hes actually loving it. I mean, he hates that theres a pandemic, but hes doing really well. Both my kids are doing really well. Theyre very busy. Theyre not as needy as i am. Stephen ive got a question before we go here, conan and i know listen, ive got to go because im doing the dick cavett show right after this. Fantastic. Stephen have you ever been mad at bob dylan . Uh. Mad at him . Stephen because im furious at bob dylan right now. Why. Stephen you know he did that 17minute j. F. K. Song in response to the coronavirus. I thought it would be good to do a parody of home sick blues. And dylan said in no uncertain terms, you may not do that. Neutron bomb a lawsuit. I dont think thats nice. How old is that song . How much more juice is he going to get out of that old stone . Let the rest of us have a crack at it. I have one bob dylan story. A bunch of years ago i went to a bob dylan concert, and i was sit ago i was backstage, and it was before the show, and my good friend and guitarist, jimmy vivino said, do you want to meet bob . And i said, im not ready to meet bob. And he said, lets go. I got dragged into this room and suddenly people parted and i was face to face with bob dylan. And it was when he had that little mustache, like a villain in a 1920s movie. He had that little mustache, and he looked at me. And i said, oh, hello, mr. Dylan and he went, i know you from the tv and just then, i was whisked out of the room. And that was my only contact with bob dylan. I know you from the tv he said it just like that. Stephen that sounds like the beginning of a pretty good song, actually. It should be one of his songs. What are you doing now . Stephen so, this is this is i just want to give you a taste of what america will never hear. Yeah. Stephen okay . Okay come on i understand that song parody is the lowest form of human entertainment, but thats damn fine yeah. I think stephen come on, bob so, youre using stephen this could heal a nation. No, no. Youd have a lot of young people who didnt know what you were talking about. Its got to be a cardi b. Song. Stephen im on cbs, conan. Its got to be dualeapa. You have to bring it up. You cant be saying, hey, kids. Its time i took down bob dylan. Stephen im not taking him down im celebrating bob dylan. Yeah. Why are you yelling at me . Stephen i dont know, man. Youre a long way im angry at bob dylan. Im sor a guitarr shoulder, and i dont know, im not being fair to you, and i apologize to you, conan . Conan. Are you crying now . You look like youre crying. I love in our interview we got the word out how the great Holy Cross College is. Stephen if nothing else half my family went to holy cross and they call it the cross. Stephen i understand. When i didnt go to the the cross i had an uncle who said, what, are you doing . The cross isnt good enough for you . Stephen you went to the vard, right . Yes, people in the know call harvard the vard. Thats what people call it, people in the know. Stephen conan, again, im a guest on your show right now and youre a guest on mine. Stephen how are we going to figure out what part of this make it on air . You know what would be fun i get both sides and you get both sides and i edit it your way and you edit it your way and we compare it later. Were going to have two completely different interviews. You know what . Youre not even going to be in my version. Were going to replaceue im going to replace with you stock footage. Stephen excellent. Of a monkey washing a goose . Yeah a monkey washing a goose. And its going to go viral day. Is that it . Is that the idea . Keep being you. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete, onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv to help you get to and stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. Research shows people who take hiv treatment every day and get to and stay undetectable can no longer transmit hiv through sex. 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Norah odonnell but i want you to know, we are here for you. Were all connected. All working together. Richard schlesinger because were all in this. Were all in this. We are all in this together. Stephen hey, everybody. You lucky people because conan obrien is still here. There is an Endless Supply of conanrisur one renewable resoure in this country. I say we go off of oil and natural gas, and we just start burning conan. Listen, were both doing the best we can in what i think is a trying time. Stephen but its nothing compared to what people are going through. We have jobs. No, no. Stephen this is nothing compares to what people are going through. No, this, what were going through as celebrities is worse than what anybody else is going through stephen i apologize. I apologize. I forgot my status. What happened to you, man . Stephen i forgot my status, conan. You lost your perspective for a second. Stephen okay. All right. Diknow that your father went to holy cross. Stephen holy cross, yeah. I did know that. Stephen he was valedictorian of his year, holy cross. No biggie. Wow. My father did not live on campus because it was just after the milbury, massachuset at home i think that was a sore spot for him, that he had to stephen ill make this quick, but did i ever tell you about bones hamilton, about the guy they met who went to college with my dad . No. Stephen take a half second. Early daily show way, way, back, maybe even Craig Kilburn daily show, really old. We call that daily show classic. Stephen sun city, arizona. Theyve got cops patrolling sun city who are all over 80 years old, patrolling on golf carts and im patrolling with them. There is a car accident on the coroner and these 80yearold, 85yearold guys are mdistances between car wheels ask stuff. And im leaning against the wall of the gated communities and theres a guy on the other sides leaning over it and teefs had 40 feet away from me. And there was something about the cut of his jib they liked and i went over and introducemyself. At one point he said he went to holy cross. I said, what, year did you graduate . I said, jim colbert . He said, i double dated with him. I said that was my dad. He knew what happened to my father. He said, do you have your fathers year book . I said, i dont. And he pulled out want year book, and cuts out my fathers page, a full page of what people had to say about him and stuff like that and handed it to me, and its on my office wall right now. And that was a random encounter. Stephen he said, you tell your mom you met bones hamilton. Isnt that great . Hes wanted in three states for all kinds of stephen exactly. For collecting bones. They found out where he got the bones from. Thats a great story. What a beautiful story. Thats fantastic. Stephen thanks very much, man. Thank you thank you for being here, man. And thank you stephen and for having me there. Goodbye. Stephen god bless you. I know im your hero. Take care. Stephen a little bit, a little bit. All right. My best to your family. Take care. Stephen conan obrien, everybody congratulations, youre now stone phillips. Stephen thank you. God bless you. Stephen when we return, ill tell you a chilling story about sitting naked on a hodel bedspread. Rs save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 atsafe drirs save 40 it is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Heo. Click or call for a quote today. Heo. Hon, can you put a new roll of charmin ultra soft in the bathroom . Ohh yeah baby i love how soft you are. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. Uhh, hon . Sorry enjoy the go with charmin. This is my body of proof. Proof i can fight moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis. Proof i can fight psoriatic arthritis. With humira. Proof of less joint pain. And clearer skin in psa. Humira targets and blocks a source of inflammation that contributes to joint pain and irreversible damage. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections. Serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Humira is proven to help stop further joint damage,. And its the 1prescribed biologic for psa. Want more proof . Ask your rheumatologist about humira citratefree. You about your credit card. So meet eno, the capital one assistant that looks out for charges that might surprise you and helps you fix them. Another way capital one is watching out for your money, when youre not. Whats in your wallet . applause more than ever, your home is your sanctuary. Thats why lincoln offers you the ability to purchase a new vehicle remotely with participating dealers. An effortless transactionall thats the power of sanctuary. And for a little extra help, receive 0 apr financing and defer your first payment up to 120 days on the purchase of a new lincoln. Neutrogena® bright boost with dullnessfighting neoglucosamine. Boosts cell turnover by 10 times for instantly brighter skin. Bright boost neutrogena® way more than you think. Check out this game. Yes. Galaxy 5g means you will beat your friends what if i want to show my friend this little guy . Calling the whole gang is even better with galaxy 5g. Wait a minute, are you bored . Obviously imagine a future where the best seats in the house are in your hand. With galaxy 5g yelling its like being there. Without being there. Without being there. The fun cant be beat. S, with little candy noses, bunnies are so sweet. Rice krispie treats make easter hop how many ways can you. Snap, crackle, pop . Find these treats and more at ricekrispies. Com. Can live with them as long as they want. According to the census it doesnt matter if youre related or not, everyone living in your home on april 1st counts. Because this count helps inform funding on how billions get spent every year. And where there are more people, there are more needs. Complete the census online, by phone, or by mail. Shape your future. Start here at 2020census. Gov stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. My musicam guest tonight wrote this new song with aaron derks ssner, of the national for his project big red machine. Performing no time for love like now, ladies and gentlemen, michael stipe. No time for bre no time for arguments no time for love like now theres no time in the bardo no time in the inbetween no time for love like now theres no time for dancing no time for undecideds no time for love like now where did this all begin to change . The lockdown memories cant sustain this glistening, hanging free fall i turned away from the glorious light and i turned my head and cried whatever waiting means in this new place i am waiting for you theres no time for honey no time for psalms and thresholds whisper a sweet prayer sigh where did this all begin to change . The lockdown memories cant sustain this glistening, hanging free fall i turned away from the glorious light i turned my head and cried whatever waiting means in this new place i am waiting for you your voice is echoing love lovelove, lovelove i hear it far, far away and i am waiting for you yes, i am waiting for you whatever waiting means in this new place i am waiting for you yes, i am waiting for you thank you. Stephen thank you, michael. That was beautiful. Well be ight back. Late show. We did it again. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be the guys from pod save america. Pl musical guest sam hunt. Wash your hands thank a nurse. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from quebec city,