Transcripts For COM The 20240627

Michael all right, yes welcome to the daily show im d. J. Michael kosta. Weve got so much to talk about tonight. The squad is down a man, the Supreme Court is cool with bribery, and a special appearance from triumph the insult comic dog lets get into the headlines [cheers and applause] lets kick things off with the primaries yesterday. In new york, progressive Jamaal Bowman lost reelection to his opponent money. And in colorado, Congresswoman Lauren Boebert won despite being caught fondling her date at beetlejuice the musical last year. But what can i say, in the end she won this race handily. I guess shes just really good at working the base. Handjob. But the biggest Politics News of the day didnt come from the primaries. It came from the Supreme Court, who just made it even easier to bribe elected officials. Oh, sorry tip elected officials. Breaking news from washington. The United States Supreme Court has overturned the highprofile bribery conviction of former indiana mayor james snyder. In a 63 opinion, the court ruled that gifts to a public official can only be considered illegal bribes if theyre given before the official act, not after. Justice kavanaugh wrote that it was not a crime for politicians to accept gratuities that may be given as a token of appreciation after the official act. Michael ah, i see, so if you give a politician money before they do you a favor, its a bribe, but if you give it to them after, the Supreme Court says its just a gratuity, because they think im an idiot. I mean, seriously, a gratuity . Tipping culture is was already so out of control. I got to tip at coffee shops, i got to tip at the dry cleaner, i got to tip when i get takeout even though i picked it up and i took it out. Thats why they call it takeout fine, but if my state senator turns that little screen around on me, i am gonna lose my mind. Ill still give 20 but im going to be pissed about it. It seems like every few months, the Supreme Court makes it easier and easier to bribe government officials. And i dont know why they would do that, but as soon as Clarence Thomas gets back from the maldives, we can ask him. Lets move on to the tech world and talk about artificial intelligence. Ai is everywhere these days, which is interesting, because it also [bleep] sucks. It gives me bad google searches. It gives me fake amazon products. It keeps generating images of women with six fingers when i very clearly said i wanted six nipples. But the Tech Companies wont stop shoving it down our throats, because they need something new to sell to us, because we didnt go for the metaverse, or selfdriving cars, or those weird cyborg helmets. So now i cant sit on a toilet without it being like, hey, let ai flush your poop for you sometimes it shoves the poop back up your butt, but its Getting Better and some ai companies are now offering songs made by ai but now the people who actually make music are fighting back. The worlds Biggest Record labels are teaming up to sue two prominent ai musicmaking companies. Universal music group, sony music entertainment, and Warner Music Group are among the companies that filed lawsuits against the ai companies. The lawsuits accused the companies of illegally using copyrighted sound recordings to train their ai, raising concerns about the impact on artists rights and earnings. In a statement, sunos chief executive defended his companys products, saying that its, quote, designed to generate completely new outputs, not to memorize or regurgitate preexisting content. Michael oh, all right, well if the chief executive of the ai company said theyre not stealing, thats good enough for me if the songs its creating are completely new, then were good. Lets move on you know what . Maybe its better to listen to one of these songs, just to see. Lawyers for the record labels wrote the prompt 60s britishrock, male voice, by a band that rhymes with the smeadles since the generators do not allow naming specific artists. Still, the record labels say the ai generator spit out a beatles song. Imagine theres no heaven, its easy if you try michael wow. That was supposed to be a complete new song . Those were the exact words to imagine the ai could have at least used a thesaurus. Envision theres no heaven. Its easy if you endeavor to. Who wants this . Who wants this . I got ai to create a brand new song for me why . Theres no shortage of music did you finish spotify . Oh, but i can make a brand new taylor swift song. She drops a double album every two weeks we dont need it. But this song does bring up an important question, which is, should ai be involved in art . And the answer is no, it shouldnt. We need to decide as a society that ai is not allowed to make art. It can help make an elevator go faster or analyze medical data, thats fine. But leave art to human artists. [cheers and applause] human artists, they have the things computers will never have terrible parents. That motivates great art. The bottom line is, no matter how good ai gets, it will never need to prove that its just as deserving of love as its sister who went to medical school. Moving on to a story that is truly out of this world. And its going to stay out of this world considerably longer than it would like. The return of boeing starliner and its crew has been delayed again. Veteran astronauts Butch Wilmore and Sonny Williams were only supposed to be up in orbit for a week. They have been up there for about a month, if you can believe it, as nasa and boeing investigate helium leaks and thruster issues on the starliner spacecraft. Just hours after starliners june 5th launch came the first sign of trouble. Starliner, looks like we picked up a couple more helium leaks. All right, were ready to copy and find out exactly what you mean by picked up another helium leak. Michael this guy is very chill considering that his spaceship has sprung a leak. If my wife called me to say, weve got a few fire situations at the house, i dont think id be like, copy, lets chat when youve got some more details on what the [bleep] that means. Just so you know, theres no real danger to the astronauts. Theyre going to be fine. But a leaky pipe is such a boring earth thing to go wrong. Once youre in space, you should be dealing with problems like a quantum overload in the dilithium crystals, not a leaky pipe. Thats something you call the super for. You know what . Thats probably why its taking so long to fix. They called for the super and nasa was like, sorry, hes a little busy. We can send his son. No tomorrows fine. Either way, i hope they can fix this. Imagine if the helium leaks got really bad and they had to say goodbye to their families, like, [in a helium voice] tell my wife i love her. Life is so precious how am i going to do the rest of the act now . But good luck to astronauts Butch Wilmore and Sonny Williams [laughs] Butch Wilmore and Sonny Williams, who im confident will figure this out because they have incredible astronaut names. Dont they . Does nasa screen for that kind of thing . Are they like, well, your physics scores are the highest weve ever seen, but unfortunately, we just cant put a brayden on the m sorry, im getting a little dizzy right now. By the way, you heard right, that spaceship is made by boeing. Jesus christ it must be so embarrassing to work at boeing right now. Their engineers are meeting people at parties, like, me, im, uh, diddys publicist. For more on the situation at the International Space station, lets go there live with ronny chieng. [cheers and applause] you are floating ronny, youre embedded with the crew . Whats the mood up there . Its fine, kosta. Everyone needs to calm down. This isnt the mets. These people are professionals. Yeah, there were a couple of leaks, but theyre all fixed and well be back on earth soon. Michael thats great news. And perfect timing, because the trumpbiden debate is tomorrow and we need you back to watch the whole thing. Oh. Right. The debates are tomorrow. Yeah, very excited for that. Oh, wait, whats that . What did you say, real astronaut right over there . Oh, wow, michael, they just discovered a new leak. Its going to take exactly one more day to fix it. Michael thats terrible news. Youll miss the debate. I know, i really wanted to cover two men trying to outdementia each other. But unfortunately now i have to stay up here and eat that cool astronaut ice cream. Oh, no. Michael thats okay, though. Youll be back in plenty of time to report at the conventions. So thats good. Uhhuh, great, awesome. Oh, shit, michael, theres been another malfunction. It looks like the antimatter crypto wifi is down. Its probably going to be a couple months to fix whatever that was. Michael oh, my god, ronny, thats terrible i know, im so bummed, i really wanted to be in chicago in the summer, with the team. But i guess well be up here until then. Michael take the time you need. Youll be back in time for the rest of the campaign season. Lots of opportunities to report on trump and biden ronny . Ronny . Ronny . Argh i am an alien i have taken over the ship it will take ronny exactly six months to defeat me. Leave him alone, and send up potato chips. Michael ronny, thats obviously a sock puppet. If you dont want to come back, just say so. I dont want to come back. Michael okay. Ronny chieng, everybody. When we come back, triumph the insult comic dog will be here so dont go away. [cheers and applause] with so many choices on booking. Com there are so many tina feys i could be. So i hired body doubles. 30,000 followers tina in a boutique hotel. Or 30,000 steps tina in a mountain cabin. Ooh booking. Com booking. Yeah when the sawdust settles and the engine roars the thing you care about is a job well done. But when you get your tools from Harbor Freight something about the job feels different your wallet. Whatever you do, do it for less, at Harbor Freight. [cheers and applause] michael welcome back to the daily show. As crazy as it might seem, there are still a lot of voters who arent sure whether to vote for donald trump or joe biden. So we sent a special correspondent to interview some of them. All right. Welcome to our focus group of undecided voters. Thank you for coming to our Marketing Research offices. I want to stress that there is nobody masturbating behind this two way mirror. No matter what you hear. So as undecideds, lets go around the room. Tell us your name and what your [bleep] problem is. We have never had worse choices in my opinion. I dont like either candidate. Same as other people said, im not crazy about either candidate. Okay, i see some of you feel you need more information about the candidates and i get it. We know so little about trump and biden, apart from their campaign issues, their actions as president , their handling of the global pandemic, their criminal indictments, who may have showered with, and a very detailed description of trumps penis from a former porn star. But we still dont know okay, if you are leaning toward biden, please raise your hand. If you are leaning toward biden. If you are leaning toward trump, raise your hand. Okay. Raise it at the 45degree angle, please. A little straighter. Dont bend the elbow. Thats good. [laughter] it is a hitler joke. You see, you support a fascist. We are having fun. Okay. Raise your hand if you feel like voters are easily manipulated. Who doesnt think so . Okay, now lower your hands. Okay, now raise them again. Okay, now lower them again. Raise them up one more time. Raise both hands. Now lower one. Now everyone say i cannot be manipulated. Of beco i cannot be manipulated. Which candidate would you have a beer with . Trump. Which candidate would you go to a baseball game with . Biden thomas. Trump. Which candidate would you let eat sugar cubes out of your h hand . Biden. Biden. Why . More gummy . Less likely to bite you . [laughter] yeah. Gentler. [laughter] which candidate would you want to be behind in the Human Centipede . Keep in mind, no matter what you answer, we will all think you are disgusting. [laughter] okay. This is tough, guys. I said that you find yourselves undecided about a lot of things. My problem is, im not sure which one is going to die first. Thomas, i have to ask, why are you struggling with this decision when you had no problem deciding to leave the barbershop with those sideburns. It is like my mom always used to say. Shit or get off the lawn. It is your civic duty. Would you agree with that . Yes, i would agree with that. What is your gut telling you . I mean, other than seat belts do not come in my size . I cant trust biden or trump. I like rfk. Rfk jr. , interesting. Also known as the evidence that the kennedys [bleep] each other. Maybe this will have you guys decide between the candidates. Here are two sandwiches, all right . One is old and moldy. And the other has chlamydia. Raise your hand if you are eating a sandwich on its deathbed or raise your left hand if you want the sandwich that we have on tape using the nword . Oh okay. They are having their first debate. You hope the moderators will ask trump or biden the really tough questions, like, do you know where you are, and can you read on this mirror . Probably going to call out each other on stuff. Both sides are constantly saying, this is the end of democracy. Both sides agree. So maybe instead of worrying about all of this voting stuff, we should just decide on an escape plan. Does anyone have a bunker . Thomas, you look like you already live underground. Will the other mole people mind if we crash . It was time to switch tactics. Perhaps if they practice making any kind of decision, they would prepare them for november. You have all been given Cheesecake Factory menus to share. Now take a look at them and make a choice. You can do this a lot of options. Entrees, we will find out what i usually get. Fried calamari. I usually get orange chicken. That is one of my favorites. Filet mignon. All right, you know what, forget it. I knew that wouldnt work. At this stage, there was only one option left. Look, you guys have barely given me anything so i am just going to tell you who you are voting for. Darrell, you are going to miss election day because there werent any reminders on por pornhub. You want a safer, Brighter Future for your children so you are going to move to ukraine. Thomas, i think you should just stay home. This is a big one. Very important election. We need you to sit down. And mark emma whatever you decide, i recommend you listen to your heart, or at least to let a medical professional listen to it. Thank you, all, for being here. We have learned a lot. We will see you in four years when you cant decide between voting for aoc or kyle rittenhouse. [cheers and applause] michael thank you, triumph. When we come back, Sharon Lerner will be joining me on the show. So dont go away. [cheers and applause] see that beer cap . Its the luckiest piece of metal in the world. It couldve been a screw on a patio chair. Or, a bent staple, that just wont staple. But here it is, chairing the Welcome Committee for an authentic, mexican dos equis. well, look at that. The Welcome Committee is at it again. i wanna rock n roll all night and Party Everyday i wanna rock n roll applebees late night because half off is just more fun. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. Lets see what we got in this fridge. Now thats eatin good gentle ambient music whats a recipe using what i have in my fridge . Guys, lets do some trivia. Oh yes. Lets do that. Absolutely. Lets do this. Im gonna win. Summarize this. It starts with an empty prompt. I was right good job. Next question. And the most advanced ai at your fingertips. bright music i love this place, but i need better credit. Bad credit . You could just open a new card. But you kinda need. Ugh. Sfx [phone buzz] wow, i could build my credit that fast . Nice. Everything you need to outsmart the system. Intuit credit karma. Im adding downy unstopables to my wash. Now ill be smelling fresh all day long. [sniff] still fresh. Get 6x longerlasting freshness, plus odor protection. Try for under 5 [cheers and applause] michael welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is a propublica reporter whose recent article, in collaboration with the new yorker, investigates 3ms use of forever chemicals. Please welcome Sharon Lerner [cheers and applause] hi, sharon, how are you . Thank you for being here. All right. [cheers and applause] thank you for coming. Thank you for writing this piece. This is a testament to investigative journalism. How long does it take to write this piece . Well, it took about a year. A little more than a year, but i was doing other things in the middle. Michael what exactly are forever chemicals . What did 3m do . What were you uncovering in this piece . So i was writing about forever chemicals, which are pfas, is the name of the compounds. Basically, they are called forever chemicals because they last forever in the environment and they accumulate in your body. And we all knew, we have known for a while, that 3m made these chemicals, and i have been reporting on them for a while. What was new with this story was that someone who had worked in the company came to me and offered to tell me her story. Michael right. It ended up shedding terrible light, really, on the company, and on the delay. The decades of delay for them to reveal the truth of what was going on. Michael she was testing blood and was finding that everyones blood had forever chemicals in it and how did 3m respond to her research . Right. So she ended up, she was asked by her boss to test all these blood samples. These were samples of blood from the general public. So she starts testing them and she keeps finding trace amounts of this chemical, pfos, which was made by her employer, in everyones blood. Its not supposed to be there. And then she tests different parts of the country, she tests animals, and she finally brings her results to her boss and in response, her superiors were not happy with her work. She thought they would be happy. You found this amazing thing. Michael she is a scientist. She is in the environmental lab. It is her job. Right . And in fact, what they ended up doing was questioning her and saying, this cant be right and your equipment is probably messed up and why dont you repeat the experiment . And eventually what she finds is that there was another chemist at the company who had discovered the same thing in 1975. So decades earlier. [audience reacts] michael so you talked about it on the article but part of what solidified her belief in her research was she actually tested old blood. What was that . Yeah. So she is testing all these samples from around the country, and they all contain pfos and her boss and started saying michael you get pfos, its like we all get it. And then started saying, are you sure . Because maybe you think it is everywhere. You are delusional, basically. And then she ends up testing the sample from rural china and an old sample, and it was the first one she tested that didnt have any of the chemical in it. Michael wow. And she realized, here it is. Michael someone in rural china who is probably dead at this point does not have forever chemicals in their blood. Then she ended up testing someone, a war veteran, who, blood sample was from 1957 before scotchgard entered the market. Michael so lets talk about that. What are forever chemicals in . You mentioned scotchgard. So initially, they were in scotchgard, which is this coating for fabrics. Michael carpets. And carpets. Michael couches. They had a product that was for Food Packaging and it was also in firefighting foam. That was the beginning. Now i cannot name all of the products that it is in. Thousands, really. The Companies Say they are in every car and cell phone, they are in makeup, they are in everything. 3m put out a little spreadsheet in 2022 of just their products that contain pfas and it had more than 16,000. Michael i love that they put out a spreadsheet in 2022 and theyve known about this since 1975. So 50 years later. Super helpful. This is a problem. What can you leave us with . Everybody here is now newly aware. Should we call our congresspeople . Should we stop buying plastics . Here is something really focused we could do. Michael i like focused. The entire audience. One of the crazy things is that pfas are new ones are still being introduced. We still have thousands that are being used but they are still introducing new ones. That seems bananas to me and that seems like a very focused point that we could, you know, do something about. Michael yeah. Thank you very much for writing this article. Thank you for coming on the daily show and talking with us. You make me sick is Available Online at the new yorker and propublica. Sharon lerner. Were going to take a quick break, well be right back after this. [cheers and applause] [dramatic music] whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You dont want to do this. Oh, i promise you. I do. [metal squeaks] what have you done . Dont get mad. I borrowed some adamantium from your claws, and i made us something special. [song just the two of us] [song just the two of us] yeah you heineken® silver. All the taste, no bitter endings. See . Isnt this better than fighting . Nope. Hotnready oooooo 3. 99 and stuffed with pepperoni and cheese. You want crazy puffs fast . You go with hotnready. Now i have time for more summer fun. Go long walk in for 3. 99 hotnready crazy puffs at little caesars. Pizza. Pizza. Come on road, do your worst. Well be at our best. Engineered to meet or exceed original equipment performance. Exclusively at autozone. Password . The corners pop at night. popcorners. Heard theyre the cats meow. Of course, its because theyre popped, not fried. Knock yourself out. Delicious. man whistles sounding sirens what is he wearing . Bro, i said dress like a cop busting a speakeasy. I thought you told me it was a sleep easy and that made sense to you . Dont answer that. [ ] did you know theres away to cut your dishwashing time by 50 . Try dawn powerwash dish spray. It removes 99 of grease and grime in half the time. Dawn powerwash has 3 cleaning boosters not found in traditional dish soaps that remove food and grease 5x times faster. And, because it cleans so well. You can replace multiple cleaning products for counters, stoves, and even laundry stains. Try dawn powerwash dish spray. Brand power, helping you buy better. [cheers and applause] michael thats our show fo tonight. Tonight. Dont forget to tune in tomorrow night at 11, when jon stewart is back at the desk to cover the president ial debate live. Now here it is, your moment of zen. This is not a president of grievance. This is a president who is showing joy, showing a sense of humor. He is rallying the crowd. And i say this term again, the happy warrior. He is like popeye with two cans of spinach and it is working for of spinach and it is working for im going down to south park gonna have myself a time both Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation im going down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor headin on up to south park gonna see if i cant unwind [muffled] come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine