Retractible glass roof. Go head. It worked in [eagle caw] stephen tonight, is america gun control. Is america finally ready. Aim fire [ laughter ] then, americas troubling new food addiction. And my guest neal shubin is a paleontologist who found a missing link between sea and land creatures. Du,aquaman. 2012 of the hottest year on record. We think. The record burst into flames. This is the colbert report. [the colbert report theme music playing] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen [ welcome to the broadcast. Good to have you with us. Please. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] folks, i have a great responsibility with this show. I am a national tastemaker. When i endorse a product on my show, it takes off. Youre welcome the candwich. [ laughter ] sandwich in the can. Its the future. [ laughter ] now, i try to never use that power for evil or for free. [ laughter ] so tonight i want to tell you about an exciting new real estate opportunity. Its a walled and Armed Community of up to 7000 families living on 3000 acres in the mountains of idaho called the citadel. [ laughter ] not to be confused with the Armed Community of 1. 5 Million People living in the mountains of idaho, called idaho. [ laughter ] now, folks, the citadel offers everything a patriot could ask for, including a firearms factory, [ laughter ] firearms museum, [ laughter ] shooting ranges, even a library. [ laughter ] because after a long day of building guns, admiring guns, and shooting guns, sometimes you just want to kick back and read about guns. [ laughter ] here, at the citadel youll be safe from the federal thugs and the coop board. Because in addition to boasting that it has no leader, the citadel also promises, there will be no Homeowners Association and there will be no recycling police. [ laughter ] so go ahead and mix your glass, paper and plastic. [cheers and applause] youre free now. [ laughter ] all you have to do is just fill out the application on the citadels website, which asks your standard home buyer questions like are you now, or have you ever been a member of, or associated with any racist group or subversive association that espouses the violent overthrow of these United States or any individual state . If so, please elaborate. [ laughter ] yes please elaborate this is your chance to have someone fully read your 700page manifesto on how the cia is collaborating with foreign bankers to rig the results on the voice. [ laughter ] oh, wake up. [ laughter ] then just submit your 208 application fee, payable in gold and or silver. [ laughter ] as the founders intended. Or, as the founders also intended with paypal. [ laughter ] of course, you must solemnly pledge to uphold the citadels 13point patriot agreement which includes provisions that every ablebodied patriot shall maintain one ar15, at least 5 magazines and 1,000 rounds of ammunition. And annually demonstrate proficiency with the rifle by hitting a mansized steel target at 100 yards with open sights, and demonstrate proficiency with a handgun by hitting a mansized steel target at 25 yards with open sights. [ laughter ] hitting mansized steel targets of course, the only way to be prepared for invasions by tony stark. [ laughter ] and folks, i gotta tell you, im seriously thinking about moving to the citadel because make no mistake theyre coming for our guns. And we freedomloving gunlovers are totally defenseless other than, you know, the guns. [ laughter ] right now, gun control talk is suddenly everywhere for reasons i dont want to get into because it undermines my position. [ laughter ] and as a result, our dear leader obama is more determined than ever to take away our guns in that he has never tried to take away our guns. [ laughter ] but last week, he appointed Reich Marshal biden to head up a Gun Safety Task force that will convene a series of meetings and offer recommendations in an effort to build consent for action. Meetings . Recommendations . Effort . [ laughter ] folks, that is a slippery slope to jackbooted powerpoint presentations. [ laughter ] now, fortunately, folks, there are rational voices out there, who have a reasoned response to those who want gun regulation. Now get a gun and go after her hide well said. And sams not alone. Standing with him is nra head wayne lapierre, who in the wake of unimaginable tragedy, put forth a simple plan to reassure our troubled nation. I call on Congress Today to act immediately to appropriate whatever is necessary to have put Armed Police Officers in every Single School in this nation. Stephen yes, just put armed officers in every school. They can work it into the prom theme enchantment under the siege. [ laughter ] and folks [cheers and applause] patriots like Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio are already implementing lapierres vision. A controversial arizona sheriff has a plan for stopping gun violence in schools. He wants an armed posse of volunteers to stand guard. I have decided to now send a posse out, the armed posse to the schools. Stephen thank god. [ laughter ] because nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys with a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays. [ laughter ] these are the kind of Reasonable Solutions we need instead of blaming the real victims guns. You see, former nra president Marion Hammer knows that outlawing assault weapons is really just another form of discrimination. Banning people and things because of the way they look went out a long time ago, but here they are again. The color of a gun, the way it looks. [ laughter ] stephen so sad, banning a gun based on its color. Im sure if dr. King were alive, hed be standing with the nra because its just a little too convenient to be blaming guns for gun violence. [ laughter ] especially when the nra has identified the real culprits. Vicious, violent video games, bloodsoaked slasher films, our nations refusal to create an active National Database of the mentally ill. Stephen clearly, the reason we have more gun deaths than anyone else in the industrialized world isnt the guns. It must be that america is the only country in the world that has video games. Were the only country that has violent movies and were the only country with crazy people. [ laughter ] maybe not the only country, but certainly weve got the craziest people. [ laughter ] and you dont have to take my word for it. If its crazy to call for putting police in and securing our school to protecdt our children, then call me crazy. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] stephen i dont know about you, but i agree with wayne lapierre. You, sir, are bleep in the head. Well be right back. o [cheers and applause] stephen thanks. [cheers and applause] welcome back. Thank you sox. [cheers and applause] you know, they say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. So never let they operate you on. This is thought for food. Folks, theres no question this country has a drug problem, what with coke, ecstasy, and bath salts out there, many parents smoke medical marijuana just for their anxiety. [ laughter ] but now theres a new substance were all hooked on. Dr. William davis says a loaf of bread is just as addictive as crack. [ laughter ] its addictive. Plain and simple. Stephen thats right bread. Dough. Satans loaf. The crusty crank. Dropping some pumpernickel, chasing the multigrain dragon. [cheers and applause] and folks [cheers and applause] folks and just what makes the yeast beast so addictive . Theres something in modern wheat called gliadin, that was changed by the efforts of geneticists to change the properties of this plant, mostly to increase yield. And the unintended effect is that it increases appetite. You cant help yourself. You have one bagel you want more. Stephen todays wheat is the primo. bleep . Its not like the bleep toast your uncle buttered at woodstock. And folks, this is personal for me. Because i used to ride the whitebread pony. I thought i could handle it. Just some crackers with my cheese a baguette among friends, maybe a croissant to take the edge off. Before i knew it, i was waking and baking. [ laughter ] but now im a parent, and like the folks at cbs news, i want to look out for the children. So tonight, im proud to launch a new campaign to educate the kids on the dangers of wheat. Move over mcgruff the crime dog its time for mcgnaw the glutenfree beaver. [cheers and applause] hi, mcgnaw hey, stephen hey, kids [cheers and applause] stephen mcgnaw, i understand youve got an Important Message for todays youth. Yeah kids, stay away from wheat if you want to grow up big and strong like your old pal, mcgnaw yom yom yom stephen now what if someone tries to offer them wheat, mcgnaw . Well, just say gnaw then tell someone you trust, like a parent, or a teacher or a beaver [ laughter ] stephen great advice. So what should kids eat . Well, instead of wheat, you can eat healthy things like fruits or vegetables or wood [ laughter ] stephen thats right, kids. Wait, what was that last one . Wood yom yom yom [ laughter ] stephen okay, um, mcgnaw, im not entirely sure eating wood is good idea. [ laughter ] no, stephen its a great idea leaf it to beaver its incredibarkable laugh [ laughter ] stephen its a great in theo. Your core message still solid but humans cant digest wood. Have you ever tried it . Stephen no, i havent. Then how wood you know . Wood wood stephen okay, kids, dont eat wood. Its dangerous and dumb advice. Hey, stephen, ive got something you can eat me huh . [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] i got your wood right here, stephen. Stephen okay, thats enough. Thats enough kids, do not eat wheat, also do not eat wood. Wait a minute, kids who are you going to believe, hu snrks this old man or mcgnaw the gluten free beaver. Eat wood [crowd changt eat wood] stephen shut up dont listen to him stop it hes not a real beaver. Hes just some stupid actor in a beaver costume. [audience reacts] great. Great. Nice improv, jagoff. [ laughter ] you just destroyed this illusion for a whole generation of children who have come to love and trust mcgnaw. Stephen you were telling them to eat wood. [ laughter ] do you not know thats a choking hazard . How should i know . I dont have kids. I had a vasectomy. [ laughter ] stephen you know what, get out and leave the beaver head backstage. [audience reacts] look, man. Im really sorry. Im just on edge because i havent had any wheat today. [ laughter ] stoonchts okay, look here say bag of hot dog buns. Do you yeah [cheers and applause] i gotta call my sponsor. Stephen dont eat wheat, kids well be right back. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] my guest tonight says the universes 14billion year history can be seen in human bodies. Especially before i put my makeup on. Please welcome neal shubin [cheers and applause] thank you so much. Nice to see you again. Thanks for coming banch good to see you. Lets give the people your quite impressive tv you are the associated dean of biological science its university of chicago. [cheers and applause] you are known for your 2004 discovery of socalled missing link between fish and land animals, the fossil. Which weve had on the show. Hes a great guy. [ laughter ] okay. Your new book is called the universe within discovering the common history of rocks, plan thes and people. What are you talking about . [ laughter ] what common. Im not related to a plant, okay . Im in the related to you absolutely are. Stephen i am not, okay. [ laughter ] i have questionable uncles but not a ficus. Why am i related to a plant . The evolution of life is baitsd on the shared similarities creatures have. We see that in the dna of every creature on the planet from microrobes to worms to trees to plants to she rubs to poison ivy to people. Theres a shared history. Stephen is that because we all interbred on the arch . Its been about 3. 5 billion years of proceed withing. Stephen about 6,000 years. [ laughter ] i dont mean to blow hole until your theory there. The evidence might say otherwise. Stephen the might or it might not. How am i related to a rock. A rock was never alive. Its such a beautiful story. We have a shared history with rocks. If you look at rocks and people, the atoms in the bodies arose in the bing bang and the stellar processes the supernoaf. The water arose from the solar system the biological processes which shaped the organs were related to the planets. Its layer after layer of history. The evidence is the layers of rocks, the chemistry of the bodies from the dna inside it to the and tom call structures to the fossils we find in the rocks around the world. Its multiple lines of evidence pointing to over 3. 5 billion years of history in the body. Stephen why must you make me feel small . [ laughter ] why are you scientists hell bent on crushing the individualality of a man, of the feeling that theres a devine spark of uniqueness inside of me . Its not a better feeling. Stephen no, no, no its not about our feeling its about my feeling. [cheers and applause] okay . What is the value . What is the value of knowing that i am related to you say im related to jupiter, you say. You most definitely are. Stephen you are, too. Jupiter is our planet teary cousin. Its the largest in the solar system. It orbit changes ever so often. Every 10,000, 20,000, 40,000, 100,000 years. These are cycles and on cycles. They lead to changes in the glaciers stnches not global warming. Its jupiter impact its the. The Human History and evolution is based on that its a pre found deep connection we share, us as humans not only to plants not only to mieb robes to rocks, the microbes, everything, the whole universe. Stephen everything was generated in the turnas of primordial stars. Yes, exactly. Stephen did you just mock the way i said. That you were like yeah, whatever. Did you say whatever to me when im trying to swallow the bitter pill of your knowledge . [ laughter ] are we still evolving . Most definitely. Stephen then how come i dont have claws . I want some. You need variation noors trait stoonchts the fact that im reit willed to rocks and people does that mean im not related to monkeys . No, no if you are worried about being related to monkeys its the rocks, planets and worms that are the real problems there. Stephen you already said im reit willed to a fish, right . Yeah, the challenge im taking it to rocks and planets and stellar processes and the bang bang and so forth. Its the unity of all physical entities in the universe. Stephen can you get me 5 worth of whatever it is [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] you dont eat a lot of wheat, do you . [ laughter ] doctor, thank you so much for joining me neil shubin, the universe within. Well be right back. [cheers and applause]