Jon thats our show, join us tomorrow at 11 00. Here it is your moment of zen. Guns for the blind. The stage is granting gun permits pe tonight, certain americans find a new source of income, did you know the pawnshop will also accept your neighbors bike . Then when is it okay to plagiarize other peoples work . Quoth the raven, nevermore. And my guest tonight is former two term poet laureate of the United States, billy collins. I will ask him if hes met that guy from nantucket. The Jonas Brothers have announced they are breaking up. Yoko this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause [ cheers and applause ] colbert welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for joining us. In there, out there. All over the world [ cheers and applause ] colbert thank you. Thank you, folks. I mean this sincerely. I want to send out a greeting to all of the canadians out there waiting for surgery. Please take a number. Please take a number and bite on a stick or something. Whatever. I dont know what you do. Folks, you know, if you watch this show and watched from the beginning and i hope you have, you know i do this show for one reason and one reason only, to rocket propel grenades of truth down your mind throat night after night. Okay . Thats for you. But sometimes there are a few perks for me. Maybe i will mention a product on the air and say, you know, something about the refreshing taste of bud light lime. And, and, and, even though it was simply in the course of reporting hard news, the makers send me a case to this office to try to bribe me into doing it again. [ cheers and applause ] colbert not going to work, guys. Keep trying. Now, last week, i brought the hammer down on a godless new tomatopotato hybrid plant, and my angle went a Little Something like this. A vegetable should not be mating with other species, species, it is adam and eve, not adam and endive. I know, strong words but i figured the most that would happen is the blogs would light up and i would win another peabody. But out of nowhere, this morning, i received this actual letter from rich collins president of the california endive farms. Americas only endive grower and it reads, dear stephen, i just wanted to share how much i appreciate your insistence on getting the pronunciation of endive right. And, and [ cheers and applause ] colbert the letter came with this actual box of endive. All right. Thats right free endive mother bleep make it rain [ cheers and applause ] oh, suck it up, suck it up so, thank you. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] colbert thank you, california endive farms. And in light of this generous attempt at payola, i would also like to mention it is adam and eve, not adam and tesla model s in metallic blue with piano black interior and 21inch tire upgrade. It has been five years since america was driven to financial ruin by, well, who can remember all right. Lets just say it was obama. Pull up the president smiling in front of a poor family. Yes. That feels right. The point is, it wasnt the banks. Now, a lot of people lost their savings and have had to pay for their retirement with things like reverse mortgages where in exchange for cash now, Fred Thompson gets your home when you die. And as far as i am aware, he is not legally allowed to kill you to get it sooner. Thank you, elizabeth warren. So times are tough, it is true but now we have bounced back, if by we i dont mean you, and generally i dont, because since 2009, 95 percent of income gains have gone to the top one percent. So that is just wrong. The one percent should get 99 percent. That adds up to 100. Where is the missing four percent . I bet the poor took it, you know they steal. You know, folks, we know there are more takers every day. Matchers, who are making off of us makers. 60 millions are dependent on social security. One out of every seven americans receive food stamps. It has gone up 11,000 percent. I am concerned. Yes, entitlements are narcotics. You have got food stamp junkies riding the meal pony two or three times a day. Sometimes the first thing they do in the morning is wake and bake. But there is a way, there is a tried and true way for the moochers to pay the bills without looking for a handout and it is the subject of tonights word. Folks, when we do get this country back on its feet, you will be thankful industrious americans like 35yearold atlanta mother of two, april hare, after losing her job as a Sales Manager and facing eviction, april posted pictures of her 18inch long auburn hair on buy and sell hair. Com. The april ad asks for 1,000, and within hours received a flood of offers. Now, folks, i have no idea, i have no idea who out there paid so much for long auburn hair although i have noticed Something Different about jim cramer lately. April, april is part of a growing new trend of cash strapped americans making ends meet by selling their hair, breast milk and eggs. Folks, this is good oldfashioned selfreliance. I say why suckle at uncle sams teat when you can suck on your own teat. And we in the top one percent are rolling in the dough, it is nothing for us to pay up to 5 an ounce for your breast milk and 7,000 for your eggs. And if you are evicted you can label them free range. And more and more people, folks, more and more people want to get in on the action. In fact, when you google i want to sell my one of the top suggestions is kidneys. But, of course, Big Government is keeping self motivated americans from stripping themselves for parts like a stolen camaro. Because even though, even though it can fetch 15,000 on the black market, it is illegal to sell a kidney. I mean, just think about it. 15,000 is enough to take a few months off work, which you will need to recover from an unlicensed stranger operating on you with an exacto knife and barbecue tongs. Now, better yet, better yet, why not make 40 grand and sell both kidneys. If you insist on filtering your blood, just jam a couple of brita filters in there. Now, remember, it is all to make sure you can support yourself in your retirement, during which you will not be retired, because, according to a new survey a growing percentage of middle income americans say they will have to work until they die which of course will make this very disturbing walmart greeters. Now, folks, personally, i dont think americans working until they are dead is right. Cant they work until after they are dead . I mean, if people [ cheers and applause ] colbert if people out there think about this, folks, if people paid that much for kidneys, that means americans have a lot of equity in their gut. So why not, why not consider a reverse mortgage on your entire body. We in the one percent will give you poor people guaranteed Monthly Payments in exchange for first dibs on your vital organs when you kick it. You will get cash now and we will even let you stay in your body until you die. Just make sure just make sure you maintain the value of the property, because if you dont take care of that ticker, i might have to repossess it. So, please, avoid stress while working your two jobs and harvesting your hair to pay the rent. I dont know, maybe get a massage. Because, folks, this country will only be great again if average americans stop asking for handouts and pull themselves up by their own boot straps. By which i mean selling their achilles tendons, because i tore mine playing squash. And that is the word. We will be right back. [ cheers and applause ]. Colbert thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] colbert thank you. You know, like all americans, right now i am obsessed with one thing, the virginia Gubernatorial Race between republican Anne Cuccinelli and democrat Terry Mcauliffe, this folks is the biggest battle in virginia since the revolutionary war, which of course is still being fought in williamsburg. When will the redcoats surrender . And folks i have to tell you i am worried about the cucci because a recent poll has him trailing Terry Mcauliffe by double digits, apparently cuccinellis message about law on oral sex is not going over well with the virginia voters, many of whom evidently have genitals. So, with just one week to go before election day, cuccinelli hit the campaign trail with kentucky senator rand, rand paul who expressed her pro choice views and what it would affect the future. That is irrefutable, folks, what he is saying, that is irrefutable Scientific Evidence that mcauliffe prochoice policies will lead to an ethan hawke movie. Do we want that . With msnbc the raven chel mad dow found fault with rand pauls research methodology. The weird thing about that line from senator pauls speech today in the not too distant future you jan knicks is common is that line appears almost verbatim in the wikipedia entry on gattaca. About the future, where eugenics is common and dna plays a central role in determining your role in society. Oh, oh just because he and wikipedia used the same words rand paul is a plagiarist . You dont know that. Maybe rand paul wrote the wikipedia entry on gattaca. I mean, to be safe, i dont know what else they do in the senate. And how dare, how dare rachel mad dow you besmirch this mans good name. Rand paul is not a plagiarist. He is the junior United States senator for kentucky. He is a member of the republican party, a graduate of the Duke University school of medicine, he began practicing ophthalmology in bowling green, kentucky. [ cheers and applause ] colbert ophthalmology is a branch of medicine that deals with the anatomy, physiology and diseases of the eye. The indian surgeon Sushruta Samhita wrote in about 800 bc about 76 ocular diseases as well as several ophthalmological surgical instruments and techniques. So show a little bit of respect, rachel mad dow. Who in the hell do you think you arare . And American Television host political commentary and author . We will be right colbert welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight, a two term poet laureate of the United States. I will ask him if he ever spied on germanys poet laureate. Please welcome billy collins. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you very much. Good to see you. You are wearing a tie. That is very of you. Distinguished. Distinguished. Colbert whatever. You are the poet, you are the poet, you are the word smith. Thats me. Colbert two term poet laureate of the United States. How do you get that gig . Well, you get a call from the librarian of congress and it has nothing to do with the white house, way wit want to make that clear. Nothing to do with the white house. Colbert so obama says. Obama had no awareness you were the poet laureate, he found out by watching this show. A couple of president s, it was started by w. Colbert so you are one of the good ones. You go with that boat tri. Now, i dont want to start a competition here but i also had Robert Pinsky a few times who was threetime poet laureate of the United States. I am kind of slumming right now. Now you have got a new collection of poetry here called aim less love, new and selected poems. Before we actually get into the nittygritty, you have been called the most popular poet in america. Does that hurt . Well colbert you know what i mean. It is good for mysel my selfesteem. Colbert arent the best photos the ones nobody reads and they die of consumption at 25 . Keats was a great poet. He was not popular in his time, they say he died of a bad review. Colbert anyway. Anyway, i think a happy poet doesnt have to be it is hard to account for your own popularity and one is i dont drag people into my world of personal misery, i am not an autobiographical poet. Colbert really . Really. Colbert so it is about. It is about what my persona is saying these words. It is not exactly me. It is sort of an improvement on me. Colbert so it is not exactly you. It is someone with your same name but i understand that. He doesnt have a jofnlt he doesnt take out the garbage. Colbert do you have a job . I have a job. Colbert what is the job of the poet laureate . What are the actual responsibilities . Well, you dont have to write what the british the poems, what the british poet laureate does and the poet, the poem poet laureate we borrowed that from the british and the reason they have one is because for 400 years before cameras and any recording devices, if there was a large event, like a coronation or a beheading or colbert of course a beheading was like the super bowl. Public hangs so the poet laureate would commemorate this event in verse and there by store it in the national memory. So now we have other ways of doing that. We really dont need a poet laureate, but it continues. And i am happy about that. Colbert do you get anything good . Do you get anything good that comes wit. Yes, you get a cool office in the jefferson library, the library of congress, the jefferson building, it is up in what they call the attic but it has a balcony, it is pretty nice. And colbert other poetry, are there poet groupies, because you must be dripping. Well, the phone number range there when i was poet laureate i was in great demand. Colbert you had to cut the wire to give yourself peace. You have got a poem in here, the title poem, actually, aim less love. Uhhuh. Colbert in it, it is about someone who falls in love with a bar of soap. Right. Colbert at the conclusion of it. Is that based on something that happened to you . Or is that an amalgam of various Bath Products you have had over the years . Because. I had a serious relationship with a luffa for a while. Colbert are you describing yourself there . This is a particular bar of soap. Colbert yeah. A particular incident and i felt an affection i couldnt explain except in poetry. There is a show on television that actually reads poetry on the air. Colbert unheard of. Not since january parr. Jack parr i would love to read a poem of yours. Would you . [ cheers and applause ] colbert i like this one. I like this one. Her read a verse and you read a verse. This one goes, this is page 189, to my favorite 17yearold high school girl. Okay. Colbert ly start and you go. Okay. Colbert do you realize that if you had started building a part nonon the day you were, parthenon you would be done in only one more year, of course you couldnt have done it alone, so never mind, you are fine just as you are, you are loved simply for being yourself. But did you know that at your age judy garland was pulling down 150,000 a picture . Joan of arc was leading the french army to victory and pascual had cleaned up his room, no, i mean he invented the calculator. Of course, there will be times for all of that later in your life after you come out of your room and begin to blossom, or at least pick up all of your socks. For some reason i keep remembering Lady Jane Gray was queen of england when she was only 15. But then she was behead sod never mind her as well as a role model. Colbert a few centuries later when he was your age Franz Schubert was doing the dishes for his family, that did not keep him from completing symphonies and much more as a youngster. Her similar is not here in the suburbs of cleveland. Colbert frankly, who cares if annie oakley was a crack shot at 15 or maya debuted at tofska at 17, we think you are special just being you, playing with your food and staring into space. By the way, i lied about schubert doing the dishes. But that doesnt mean he never helped out around the house. A. [ cheers and applause ] colbert billy collins. We will be right back