cheers and applause cheers and applause folks, welcome to the show. Thank you for joining us. If you watch this show, i got some news for you. President barack obama is a failed leader. Dont worry this isnt a rerun or a future episode. Its tonight. Last week obama announced the planned withdrawal of American Forces from afghanistan by 2015. With a stroke of his pen, there goes americas Strategic Reserve of rubble. Now i feel like ive wasted 12 years memorizing all those tricky muslim names karzai. Haqqani. Beyonce. I mean, i was almost ready for that jelly. There is a new Foreign Policy crise for obama to shrank. Ukraine unraveling. Ukraine Officials Say theyre on the brink of war with russia. Thousand of Russian Troops have ousted Ukrainian Forces and taken complete control of key strategic crimean peninsula. Crimean crisis has deepened overnight. Stephen yes, a crisis in crimea. Now, like americans, until recently i thought crimea was a delightful tyler perry character. Turns out its the most important place you dont know jack about. Well, trap in. Stephen colberts about to jack in part one of my infinitepart series better know a geopolitical flash point. Better know a geopolitical flashpoint. Tonight, the country 19 peninsula, fightin almost an island. Protruding southward into the black sea cartographers refer to country may as the ukraines ball sack. Over the millennia, country mays been occupied by greeks, romans, mongols, ottomans, byzantines, and even the goths who invaded just to piss off their parents. In 1441, the peninsula became an independent muslim state called the crimean khanate, run by a turkic people called tatars, and their children the tartar tots. laughter applause in 17 foor russia conquered crimea in 1853, the horrible casualties of the first crimean war inspired alfred lord tennysons classic poem, the charge of the light brigade, with the famous lines, theirs not to make reply, theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die, happy valentines day to a special nephew. laughter applause now, russia big tennyson fans here tonight. Russia kept possession of crimea until 1954, when Nikita Khrushchev cruc regifted country may to ukraine, after a highlevel summit between his liver and a bottle of stoli. At the time of the ussrs collapse the ukraine had the Third LargestNuclear Stockpile in the world but surrendered it in a diplomatic agreement called the budapest memorandum, later adapted into a whimsical film by wes anderson. laughter in the agreement, ukraine gave up its nukes, and in exchange, russia promised never to use threats or use of force against the territorial integrity or political independence of ukraine. Tragically it appears ukrainian diplomats forgot to call no backsies. So what does russias latest crimean crimean . It means i get to run one of my favorite graphics. This is cold war update. cheers and applause nation if you watch this show you know i never thought the cold war ended. Its why i still wear a shoe phone and a shoe answering machine. Hello . What . I cant talk right now. Just leave a message with my other foot. Folks, that is why you do hot yoga. cheers and applause . But folks im worried that obama may be in way over his head here. On the other hand, im excited that obama may be in way over his head here. Jim . This is the ultimate result of a feckless Foreign Policy where nobody believes in americas strength anymore. Theres no question theres a perception of american indecisiveness and weakness. We look like an impotent vacillating country. Every time i president goes on National Television and threatens putin or anyone like putin, everybodys eyes roll including mine. We have a weak and indecisive president that invites aggression. That old lady is right. laughter obama obama needs to immediately do something manly. Maybe a onearmed pushup or carve a canoe or invade a foreign country. How about iraq . Third times a charm applause because right now the president of the United States is getting outplayed. Look at what he wore saturday during a tense 90minute phone call with vladimir putin. No tie. Jeans with a jeans shirt. What is this casual doomsday . Meanwhile on the other end you know putin shirtless stroking a tiger looking into his infinity mirror. laughter applause so i say the disaster instead of putting boots on the ground and starting world war iii like we all want big chief leads from the behind does what he always does and just sends in a drone. I come here today at the instruction of president obama to make it absolutely clear the United States of america would prefer to see this deescalated. We would prefer to see this managed through the structures of legal institutions. Stephen take that putin prefer. Thems fighting words. Reminds me of reagan at the branden berg gate. Mr. Gorbachev, we prefer you not have a wall. cheers and applause stephen i miss that good man. So what will the president do . For the answer lets go straight to the leader of the free world. Number one, there will be no military budget cuts, obama has to know that now. Number two, the Keystone Pipeline must be approved. Why . Because russia is blackmailing europe over energy. Stephen bill is right, military funding and keystone. Obama needs to prove hes a strong leader by giving republicans everything theyve asked for. laughter plus russias antigay laws could drive their homosexuals over here so to keep them out we need a border wall with mexico before the gays invade have a cancun, because you know theyre a beach people. laughter applause ladies and gentlemen, bill oreilly and i are not the only ones questioning obamas leadership. So are you. With the u. S. Facing volatile Foreign Policy situations in ukraine, brand new gallup poll is raising serious concerns about president obamas standing on the world stage. According to gallup, for the first time ever, a majority of americans say president obama is not respected by other World Leaders. Stephen even worse air, majority of americans felt the the bachelor wouldnt give president obama a rose, even if it was just down to him and that bitch, 96y. Folks, this poll if th poll has no alarmed me that i am conducting by own poll so i can become more alarmed. Go to colbertnation. Com and let your click be heard. Answer the question, what do you think about what americans think World Leaders think about president obama . Simply check, yes, no, or vegetarian option. Well have the results of that poll later in your lifetime. Well be right back. Welcome to toyotas 1 for everyone sales event. Matt kenseth what are you doing here . Well, i do know a little about toyotas being 1. [ wife ] were here to buy a camry. Good timing. Great choice. It took me to victory lane seven times last year. Can i get you to sign something . Sure. Oh. Can you write you da man . [ male announcer ] during toyotas 1 for everyone sales event, get 0 apr financing for 60 months on a 2014 camry. Offer ends march 31st. For more great deals visit toyota. Com. Yeah yeah [ male announcer ] toyota. Lets go places. The secret is out. Hydration is in. [ female announcer ] only aveeno daily moisturizing lotion has an active naturals oat formula that creates a moisture reserve so skin can replenish itself. Aveeno® naturally beautiful results. Before earning enough cash back from bank of america to help pay for her kids ice time before earning 1 cash back. Guys everywhere, every time. Close the front door and 2 back at the grocery store, even before she got 3 back on gas with no hoops to jump through, katie used her bankamericard cash rewards credit card to stay warm and toasty during the heat of competition. Thats the comfort of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. [ male announcer ] introducing kelloggs® krave smores cereal. Chocolate and marshmallow meet. [ grunting ]. Inside a graham crackery shell. New krave smores. Chocolate marshmallow. Yum yum everybody. Thanks so much. Nation, it is no secret that the American People tune in to the report every night to know how to feel about america. Well tonight preheat yourself to outraged although, if youre like me you only have three settings angry, outraged, and popcorn. laughter applause folks, i am still stinging from last weeks religious liberty curbstomp by Arizona Governor and last person to see hance expel gretel alive, jan brewer. laughter applause governor brewer vetoed sb1062, which would have allowed Business Owners to freely practice their deeply held religious belief of not selling pastry to gay people. laughter because god is my cake boss. But, of course the gaystream media twisted the bill into something ugly. Im a religious person. This is not religious freedom. Its just plain bigotry. This is a bigotry bill masked under religious freedom. Theyre quoting bigotry, per se, in the name of god. Its jim crowe back from the dead. Its actually a very similar argument that was raised against the civil rights laws of the mid60s. Reporter stephen this is nothing like the civil rights struggles of the 1960s. For starters when gay marchers get hit with a firehose, they love it laughter applause thats an actual photo which means im not a bad person. The point is gay marriage is not a civil rights issue. Just ask Iowa Republican and volunteer of the hypnotists forgot to wake up steve king. Jim . Its clear in the civil rights section of the code that that you cant discriminate against people based upon im not sure ive got the list right race, creed, religion, color of skin those kind of things. And theres nothing mentioned in there on selfprofessed behavior, and thats what theyre trying to perfect is special rights for selfprofessed behavior. Stephen yes, selfprofessed behavior. Unlike race, you cant tell somebodys gay just by looking at them. Sphairs know, johnny weir is a perfectly straight wood nynph. You might be asking what exactly does selfprofessed mean . The thing i reference when i say selfprocessed. Who do you discriminate against . Are they setting up a case . Is this about bringing a grievance or a service theyd like to have. Stephen steve king is right. These selfprofessed gays just want you to refuse them service so they can sue you. Weve seen it a million times pain guy pretends to be gay pretend to hide until hes 18, and then he prendz to come out to his family who pretend not tond and pretend to shun pim. He moves to the city a few years later, he meets another guy who prendzs to be day they pretend to fuel in love and he prens to propose and they get fake engaged. The man reached out to his family, and they pretend to grow a lot because theyve been watching a lot of modern family. They dont pretend to pretend to understand his life, but they can see how happy he prendzs to be, and they give their prendz blessing. The pretend couple enteraise flower shop. One prendz to want orchids. The other prendzs to want i had drainch, but they both prepped to love the delicate vibrance of peruvian lilys. They approach the owner who says i cant sell you to. Imy a cristman. And boom, they sue him run off to vegas and pretend to have sex with a lady hooker as god pretended. Gotcha exwocha cheers and applause yeah, like that, like that, like that. As as steve king knows even if gays do exist its nearly impossible to prove it. If its not specifically protected inprotected in the constitution then its it got to be an immutable characteristic, that being a characteristic that can be independently verified and cant be willfully change displd yes, the only way for gays to be protected is to have their gayness independently verified. I think what steve king is saying gays, is he wants you to send photos and or videos proving to steve king that you are gay. cheers and applause . Again, thats steve king 2010. Office building, washington d. C. 20515. Be sure to label your Envelope Campaign contribution. So you know that hell read it. Well be right back. cheers and applause switch to tmobile well pay your familys early termination fees Malcolm Campbell broke the land speed record nine times. What was he chasing . What are you chasing . So you can get cash back on all your purchases. So you can use your cash back. To follow your dream. So you. Can save the day. Chase freedom. So you can. [ male announcer ] the great flavor of a margarita is here without any of the work. Bud light lime limearita is ready when you are, with a refreshing twist of bud light lime. Just pop, pour over ice and enjoy. And now try new mango and razberrita. Yo, untamed larger than life move fast fruit flavor watermelon, blue razz green apple. Your taste buds dancing. Its the jolly rancher, we make it happen. Untamed fruit flavor. Jolly rancher. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a scientist and musician best known for coing the term Virtual Reality. Please welcome jaron lanier. cheers and applause glaron, thank you so much for joining me. Good to see you. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. Stephen sir youre a Computer Scientist youre a composer, europe a virtual artist and author. Best known as the father of Virtual Reality. You worked at atari, where you were the lead scientist of the national teleemergence initiative encyclopedia britannia includes you in their list of the 300 greatest inventors, and your book is called who owns the future . All of that is true. Stephen okay. Yes. Stephen is it true okay is it going to go downhill from here . Stephen yeah. Who does who does own the future . Well, right now those who own the future are the ones with the very biggest, most effective computers that can gather everybodys data,amize it better analyze it better than anybody else, and use it to calculate little tiny advantages, like slightly more manipulative loans or slightly more tricky Health Insurance policies. And over time these tiny advantages accumulate, and then you get this incredible weland power concentration which is the characteristic of our time. Stephen and you think thats a bad thing . You know, i i benefitted. Ive done great stephen and you helped create this problem. Totally, i did. Stephen youre franken stipe. You came to warp us about your monster. Thats not a bad metaphor. Ill take it. Stephen of course i did it. You have to be careful. The monster might turn on you and tear you limb from limb. I have a daughter now and look at the world and i think do i want her to be in this privileged rich family with the world falling apart and everybody living in insecurity or in a slightly less privileged family stephen whats unhealthy about this world . Whats the sign of the disease there jaron . Real wealth is when your your wealth is dependent on everybody elses wealth. Well wealth is a community wealth. If its just a concentration, thats fake wealth. It falls apart. Stephen what are you talking about . Im at the top of this pyramid right now. Im at the top of the pyramid, another right now . In my circles youre not. Im sorry, its true. Stephen you dont know you dont know. laughter applause you dont know. Maybe i have a secret criminal enterprise. Im wearing these special glasses that tell me more than you think. Stephen wow. Hold ohold on. Hold on. I got one too. cheers and applause so but okay, the you know the monster is on the loose. You cant put the jeanie back in the bottle. You know, i think we kbecause we made up this whole internet thing, and this particular idea about how to do open culture on it and open economies very recently. So theres an opportunity to try to do this better. Im not saying i know the perfect answer for it, but i think we have to give a shot. We have to try to improve this because what were doing is not creating a sustainable digital economy. You have to do that. Stephen you say our middle class is disappearing okay, right . Yes. Stephen the middle class is disappearing and the internet has something to do with that or your whole dreamave Digital Future has something to do with the yeah, i think it really does. Stephen cant we just build a Virtual Reality where the middle class still exists . Put on those ocular helmeted and go look, look, a twocar garage . I guess if everybody will buy it, i guess thats fine with me. But i dont think they should. I think people should demand more. We are a double economy. Where if its stuff we believe in marks. If its about information if its about creativity comedians, journalists, things like that then we think it should be shared tshould be open. When you break the economy in half like that, even though sharing is lovely, you graduately put all the information, workers, into this informal economy, a slum economy of reputation, barter which is beautiful in its own way stephen youre saying were all were all were all sort of the product now because as we put our information into the internet and we become our our information becomes a commodity we should get paid a Little Something for all that information and that value were providing these internet providers . How about a concrete example . Stephen sure. Language translators. Somebody takes this and says im going to make the spanish version of it. Those people are suffering now. Theyre making less money than they used to. But the algorithms that translate automatically that take away a lot of their work those algorithms depend on the same people because theyre constantly creating the phrase examples that mash up to create the automatic translation. The thing is the people are still needed stephen eventually well get the trlz just perfect. No, we wont. Because language isnt fixed. It keeps on moving. Stephen it wont keep moving if only robots are speaking it. laughter applause and and cheers . You know what . I cant argue with that. You solved it. You solved it. Stephen i recommend you dont. Jaron, thank you so much for joining me. cheers and applause . Stephen of i didnt get all of that. But jaron lanier his book is who owns the future . And i think he said that you do. Well be r welcome to toyotas 1 for everyone sales event. Matt kenseth what are you doing here . Well, i do know a little about toyotas being 1. [ wife ] were here to buy a camry. Good timing. Great choice. It took me to victory lane seven times last year. Can i get you to sign something . Sure. Oh. Can you write you da man . [ male announcer ] during toyotas 1 for everyone sales event, get 0 apr financing for 60 months on a 2014 camry. Offer ends march 31st. For more great deals visit toyota. Com. Yeah yeah [ male announcer ] toyota. Lets go places. Here you go. Wow, thanks. Join dd perks today and get a free medium beverage. Then, every dollar you spend on a dunkin product earns you points for more free medium beverages. Enroll today. America runs on dunkin. [ garner ] theres a lot of beautiful makeup out there but one is so clever that your skin looks better even after you take it off. Neutrogena healthy skin liquid makeup. 98 saw improved skin. Does your makeup do that . Neutrogena® cosmetics. What is that . Its my dale call. [ engine revs ] [ male announcer ] if youre on a diet of taking it up a notch. Thats way better than my duck call. [ male announcer ]. Drink diet dew. The only diet with dew in it. What could possibly hold together all the Natural Energy found in peanuts . Caramel works. Payday. Crunchy, roasted peanuts and soft, delicious caramel come together to give you sweet energy. Payday. Fill up and go. [ male announcer ] throughout his life, pintsized point guard Nate Robinson has always taken on big things. Hes never been intimated by big things. In fact. He embraced them. So, for Nate Robinson, taking down taco bells biggest, most ultimate steak taco was no big deal. But you are not Nate Robinson. The new xxl steak crispy taco, with double the steak in a xxl shell. Regular size for Nate Robinson. Xxl for you. [ bong ] cheers and applause stephen thats it for the report everybody. Good night captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. [daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. [cheers and applause] my name is jon stewart. My guest tonight jim demint a former senator from South Carolina who left the senate to join a think thank because think tank because even just thinking around thinking in a tank [laughter] is more satisfied than being a United States senator. Thats how bad its gotten in the senate. Not i will say this though, not that the senate is doing nothing. They did recently, i believe pass the farm bill. The new farm bill president obama signed into law yesterday cuts 8. 6 billion from food stamps during the next decades. Jon good. I think its wasteel. Who collects food stamps. The elvis fat and skinny. You have your develop streeta zinni liberty bell. There no matter how valuable they may be they are just going to be bad oh,