Stephen Stephen StephenStephen StephenStephen StephenStephen Stephen cheers and applause cheers stephen stop it. No, no, please. Sttp it im sorry, folks. Im sorry, welcome to the sorry, just feeling a little a little rough. I overindulged last night. I just need some advil and a little hair of the dog that bit cheers and applause literally, i got into a fight with a dog last night. laughter i ate some of his hair. It was a chocolate lab, and i was curious. Then we made friends. That that dog could party. Hold on. cheers and applause . Okay, okay, all right, hold on. cheers and applause all right. All right. Daddys coming back. All right. Now, folks you watch this show. You know i am no lightweight, but jimmy carter was on the show last night. And he was traveling with these four guys. They they they belong to some party fram, um secret service. laughter and, man, those guys can drink. Three secret Service Agents have been sent home from the netherlands for partying too hard. One of the agents had so much to drink during a day of partying in amsterdam that he coullnt make his Hotel Room Key work, so he just passed out on the floor in the hallway. laughter stephen folks, im not surprised he was drinking. I mean, it is their sworn duty to take the bullet. laughter folks, why do you think theyre always running alongside the president s limo . Theyre too drunk to drive. laughter applause cheers still, still, still, the secret service should not have gotten drunk on the job. For petes sake. They were in amsterdam. They should have gotten stoned. cheers and aaplause . I mean, its yes, it might make them paranoid, but thats part of the job. laughter now, folks, if you watch the news, you know were reaching the end of march madness. It comes in like a lion, and goes out like a lion losing 10 grand betting on wichita state. This is the sport report. cheers and applause woooo wooo folks, we are in a dark chapter of american history. Sweden is beating us educationally. China is beating us economically. And albania is beating us alphabetically. laughter ill sayyit again we must change our name to oneunderstoreaaaamerica. And now eye cant elieve im saying this were being beaten recruiting young athletes. Were the ones who drafted lebron at 18 when he only looked 38, but these days, 18 is ancient, especially in soccer, or as the europeans call it, foot soccer, because the watch fell eating mayo dippers in belgium have signed a 20moothold toddler to a professional soccer contract. This boy, whose name is bryce brites, was signed by a belgian team whose spokesman said his ball control is incredible for someone his age. Yes, his ball control is incredible unless is it rolls behind the couch because hes not old enough to have object permanence yet. But bryce has got the fundamentals. Jimmy, lets go to the tape. And here comes bryce, carrying it half a meter, dribbling with both feet, straight to the wall, and hes right back on the pitch, leaving the coach in the dust. And he spotted sooething shiny. Stephen just imagine the headers hell be aale to do once his fontanel close of closes. Clearly, America Needs to up our recruiting game. I say if we want any shots at winning the 2032 world cup, we need scouts covering lamaze classes and signing the biggest kickers. And that goes for all sports. We shhuld start scouting sperm, bawlings the fastest swimmer could be the next michael phelpss. Next up, folks. applause nation, its no secret, i love playing with my dimpled white balls. And golfs most exciting annual event is the professional golferr Association Merchandise show. Its like the republican convention, except well, i actually cant think of a difference. laughter applause but this years keynote speakers relayed some sobering facts about the game i never played sober. Jim. For the past decade, 10 more than 10 years our great game has been in a state of decline because our game lacks innooation. Weve lost five million golfers over the last 10 years, five million. The researchhtells us the answer is very simple theyre just not having fun. laughter . Stephen yes, after 500 years of walking voal through fields, hitting balls in the wrong direction, then searching for them in algaefilled ponds, sometimes golf isnt fun. T fortunately, theres a way to get millennials back on the links, thanks to a new webz called hackgolf, an open Innovation Initiative aimed at crowdsourcing the future of the game. Hashtagyes. Com. We need to open, innovate, and crowdsource a golf 2. 00that appeals to the tweens, specifically tween 55 and retirement. And the hackgolf message board is already abuzz with outsidethebox the ideas the crowdsourcers have hacked up, including surround each hole with nets similar to thee3 barriers used in bowling. Only count the good shots. And free beer. cheers and applause . Well, folks, iigotta say, i i took a moment to try a fair amount of that last discussion, and while doing so, i came up with my own paradigmsmashing golf hack. Himself, we divide golfer golfeo two teams and instead of them all heading for the same green they start on opposite sides and aim for each others greens. For safety, obviously, you gotta lose the clubs, and put the hole 10 feet in the air and make the balls big and orange. Now, that is a golf game that young people might play. Next up, folks,football. The p. C. Police continue to hammer the Washington Redskins over their socalled offensive name, though, if youve seen them play recently their name is the least offensive thing on the field. Thankfully, redskins owner Daniel Snyder has found a wwy to smokeum the peace pipe. The Washington Redskins are trying to improve their image with the native american community. Ooner Daniel Snyder is now American Indian tribes. Snyder support a letter to redskins fans laying out a plan to start the Washington Redskins original mericans foundation. Stephen thats right, the Washington Redskins original americans foundation, because redskins is not oofensive if you only use it once in your name. laughter and, folks, the healing has already begun. The charitt has distributed over 3,000 cold weather coats to several tribes, and you can see how happy they are in their new gear. laughter applause the Foundation Also assisted in the purchase of a new backhoe for the omaha tribe. Thats right, assisted because you cant expect a team worth did the 1. 7 billion to pay for the entire backhoe. Those things cost thousands on upon. To cover that price theyd have to sell a beer aad a soft pretzel. This move by Daniel Snyder inspires me because my show has frequently come under attack for having a socalled offensive mascot. My beloved character chingchong dingdong. Oh, i love tea. Its so good for you. Girl. You come here. I neee no sugar when you around. Come on my rickshaw, i give you a ride to bangkok. cheers and applause . Now, folks the small minded out there can called chingchong dianne offensive caricature an offensivoffense of a american. If you ever heard someone call him a stereotype he would choke on his opium pipe. Of course, there is no pleasing the attack dogs over asian media watch who demanded that i remove chingchong from the shows letterhead and stop having him accept awards on my behalf. The point is, the point is, offensive or not not chingchong is part of the of of the unique heritage of the colbert nation that cannot change. But i am willing to show the Asian Community they care by sprucing the chingchong dingdong foundation for sensitivity to orientals or whatever cheers and applause it is a Wonderful Charity. Thank you. applause i will applaud my sensitivity as weel. Its a Wonderful Charity thats already provided 3,000 of those triangle hats to Asian Americans in need. I assume theres a need ecause i never see them wearing those things anymore. And i owe all this sensitivity to redskins owner Daniel Snyder. So, asians, send your thank you letters to him, not me. laughter applause well be right back. [ male announcer ] the authentic taste of a strawberry margarita is here without all the hassle. Bud light lime strawberrita is perfectly mixed with a refreshing twist of bud light lime. Just pop, pour over ice and enjoy. And now try new mango and razberrita. [ male announcer ] the exceedingly nimble, ridiculously agile, tight turning, fun to drive 2014 smart. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thaaks so much. Folks, want midterm elections are around the corner and if the pollsters are right these will be the greatest midterms ever. We are getting reported tonight as what is being described as a Democratic Party frooek up on the after a big prediction from poll watcher nate silver, the political analyst who nailed 2012 president ial results well in advance, and now he is predicting that republicans will likely win control of the senate. Silver predict that republicans have a 60 thats a pretty good chance of taking control of the u. S. Senate this year. Stephen 60 . That is almost half. cheers and why does silver thinn the republicans will take the senate . Because as compared with 2010, or 2012, the g. O. P. Has done a better job of recruiting credible candidates. Really . More credible than 2012 . The republicans had serious people like sharon angle and Richard Mourdock and a stick of butter with googly eyes. Nevertteless good guys, good man. Nevertheless, this year, the g. O. P. Has stepped up its game with even incredibler candidates like iowas joni ernst who is running on a platform everyone can get behind. I grew up castrating hogs on an island. laughter applause . Stephen sood joni, joni you had me aticaistration. Folks, it does not matter what else she stands for. I am pulling for her whole hog, or whatever is left of the hog when shes done with it. Folks, i think everyone should knowwabout jonis history of hog castration, not just the people shes legally required to tell when she moves into a new neighborhood. laughter America Needs more senators who are farm tough. Pi mean, while the other little girls were reading charlottes web,joni was out back with tinsnips making a soprano out of wilbur. And when it came time, folks, when it came time to play with barbies, joni took one look down kens pants and said, my work here is done. cheers and applause and cheers and ernst already got mitt romneys endorsement, and she can have mine, too, if she comes nowhere near me. laughter i believe that america demands senators with balls, and im guessing jonis got a dumpster full of them. applause so senate candidates, if you want to win, you make more ads like jonis that prove you have what it takes to change washington like this. Hi, im stephen colbert. And i grew up killing ducks in the park with a jackhammer. When i was 10 years old, i beat a raccoon to death with a cinder block and my heart rate never went above 80 beats per minute. This year is my shed. You dont want to know what i got in there. But you send me to washington, ill put more things in my shed. In fact, im going to need a bigger shed. Stephen colbert in 2014. Stephen well be right back. cheers ann applause . Are you up for whatever happens next . I think i can do that. Ian, ian how you doing tonight. Dah dah. This is a bizarre night. See ians full night at upforwhatever. Com i swear the kids a genius when it comes to deleting my stuff. I cant find that chart. It doesnt have different logins for the kids . No. Your samsung can do that . Yeah. Wow. Well, mine can do pony princess hair salon. I hear theres amazing hair styles in that. Do more on the new galaxy pro tablet with multi user mode. Known stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is an Academy Awardwinning documentarian with a new film on Donald Rumsfeld. Hell beat me as a moderator. Please welcome errol morris. Errol, good to see you again. Thanks for coming back. All right, how are you . I think im okay. Stephen youre not sure . You just think so . Never really completely sure. Stephen okay. laughter maabe you shoold do a documentary about yourself or are you afraid to turn that pointed lens on errol morris . Its a frightening thing. Stephen because you look at all aspects of american society, and you judge it through your lens. You have done the thin blue line. If the fog of war standing operating procedure, and your new film is called the unknown known about former defense psecretary Donald Rumsfeld. What the hell does that mean the unknown known. What is that . laughher . Can i be completely honest with you . Stephen i hope you will. I dont know. Stephen what the bleep are you talking about . laughter applause youre one of these liberals, right, one of these hollywood glitzy party, hanging out with brad pitt liberals who tried to lay traps for donaad rumsfeld, that good map, who led this country during the iraq war. Thats me stephen thats you. Why why did you gun for don rumsfeld with this . And did you get him . I had this salt and pepper shaker idea collect them all. I had done the previous secretary of defense. Stephen bob mcnamara. Okay fog of war, great movie. And i thought two really disastrous wars vietnam, iraq, why not do the other guy. Stephen we won iraq, though, we won iraq. laughter we didnt lose laughter we didnt lose, my friend. We department lose. U. S. A. U. S. A. u. S. A. thank you. Do you support our troops . I do, indeed. Stephen you do support our troops. Well, i accept your apology. Okaa, so, you wanted to know how rumsfeld won that war . Indeed. Stephen how did he . By not really thinking too carefully about it. Stephen you also go after him about the socalled torture memos. We have a little clip here. Jim show show this mans uh word twisting in action. Well, there were whaa, one or two or three. I dont know the number, but there were not all of these socalled memos. They were mischaracterized as torture memos and they came not out of the Bush Administration per se. They came out of the u. S. Department of justice. Blessed by the attorney general, the senior legal official of the United States of america, having been nominated by a president and confirmed by the United States senate overwhelmingly. Little different cast i just put on it than the one you did. laughter ill caulk that one up. Was the reaction unfair . Ive never read them. Really . Im not a lawyer. What would i know . applause . Stephen what ould he know . Why as secretary of defense would he care what people were doing toodetainees . laughter did you were gunning for him, though, right . Thats clearly thats biased. Thats bias. Probably do. laughter stephen well, you were playing a horror movie music. You got, like, bella lagossy in the background going. Hees the monster in your movie, right . It is a horror movie. I have to confess. Stephen whats most horrible . What did you learn about Donald Rumsfeld that made you horrified . That there seemed to be nobody home. Stephen what do you what do you mean . Heres a charming man. Hes an incredibly charming man. He gave me a lot of hhs timee he was incredibly cooperative. He gave me all these memos that he had written over tte years. Stephen how many hours did you talk to him . 30plus hours of interviews. Stephen wow. So did you find out why we went to war in iraq . Not so much. laughter stephen i heard you said you actually know less about the reasons we went into iraq after talking to him than whee you started talking to him. Yes. Stephen is there any chance that some day we wont know anything about why we went in . laughter applause and then eventually well just forget that we went in at all. applause cheers errol, thank you so much for joining me. Errol morris, the unknown known, in theaters, on itunes, on demand, april 4. Go see it. thank you. cheers and applause . Hello, america. The folks at wonderful pistachios have asked me to help sell their product. But, come on. Theyre wonderful. Im wonderful. Theyll sell themselves. I think were done. Yeah. 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Zuckerberg zucker punched the tech world by saying he purchased oculus for 2 billion which i think he just found like in the lint trap in the dryer. Now oculus, the reason the internet kind of [bleep] about this oculus was originally a kickstarter so people are kind