Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140613

A [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] a. Stephen welcome to the report. Thank you so much for joining us. What are we doing . [audience chanting stephen] [cheering and applause] welcome to the report. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. What an evening. Now, folks. Folks, i got to thank you for being here. Its been great show so far, but before we go, i want to update you on my ongoing war with amazon. Last week i broke the story of something about me. You see, amazon is in heated contract negotiations with my publisher hachette. Theyre delaying shipment of amazons most popular author, including me. [audience booing] oh, dont make me unleash these dosmtion folks, this is terrible. I am one of my favorite authors. Its not just me. Because of amazons scorchedearth tactics, more people are getting screwed than in fifty shades of grey. So i told amazon c. E. O. Jeff bezos, its go time, lex loser. Before i knew it, my courageous stand created a firestorm all over the internet, and unlike rihanna, i didnt even have to show sideboob. I even offered. Now, i dont know if you know, this but im great guy. So i did this not just for me, but for the firsttime novelists like edan lepucki, whose hachette book california could not be preordered on amazon, a death sentence for a new book. I asked do you go to colbertnation. Com and preorder california from powells books. Nation, you preordered just as i preordered you do. As of today you heros have bought over 6,400 copies of california. [cheering and applause] in fact, you have made california the numberone book on powells for weeks. [cheering and applause] you know what, you know what would really show amazon that we will not lick their monopoly boot, or any of their monopoly pieces . If we put california on the New York Times bestseller list. We are close. Nation, i want you to go to colbertnation. Com and preorder this book like amazon doesnt want you to. Or preorder it from other places like parnassus books, politics and prose, rainy day or go to your local bookstore, walk up to the counter and just click on the clerk. Okay. Thats why theyre called that. And tell them, i want to preorder california by edan lepucki. Act now and it will happen even sooner. Good night. Nation, in my humble opinion, theres nothing humble about my opinion. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. [cheering and applause] first up, folks, its no secret that i have always felt a deep connection with texas senator and joe mccarthy tribute head ted cruz. [laughter] theres one thing about senator cruz that bothers me. Its his name, Rafael Edward cruz. It sounds kind of, you know, canadian. [laughter] it turns out i have excellent canadar. Senator ted cruz has renounced his canadian citizenship. The texas republican was born north of the border. He discovered he held dualship last year. Ted cruz now officially allamerican, shedding his canadian citizenship. Stephen so a tip of the hat to senator cruz for his great show of patriotism. If you ask me, theres nothing more american than not being from another country. Which is why its so hard for me to also give ted cruz a wag of my finger, because the way ted cruz went about becoming a notcanadian was so canadian. His canadectomy was performed with a simple certificate of renunciation issued by the government. A certificate just saying hes not canadian. Hell, i got those. The printer in my office churns em out 24 7. I even got a twoply version in the bathroom. Come on, senator, no piece of paper can wipe the canada off you. Ive visited toronto once 20 years ago and every now and then i still say im sorry. No, to become 100 american, ted cruz needs do something radically uncanadian. He needs punch a moose or pay for his own health care. And i can help. I can help. [cheering and applause] im here to help because im a trained ludovico therapist. Ive administered canadian deprogramming before. Jim . [screaming] cause then one week you looked at me dropped your arms to your sides and said im sorry stop it, stop it stephen now thanks to conditioning, every time he hears celine dion, he becomes nauseous, like a true american. Next up, folks, i am a huge fan of led zeppelin. I am a sucker for their unique mix of blues, rock and druids, which is why i am so angry. Jim. Its one of the greatest rock n roll songs of all time, but was the intro to led zeppelins stairway to heaven stolen from the 1960s band spirit . According to an attorney for spirits former lead guitarist, the zeppelin classic sounds strikingly similar to spirits song tar us are. Stephen led accident lib is being accused of plagiarizing stairway to heaven years after it came out. They needed time listen to it all the way through. If youre unfamiliar with the 06s rock band spirit, its probably because you were never in the 06s rock band spirit. But the estate of ran i can california, seen here, looking like that, claims that led zeppelin ripped him off. You decide. Heres led zeppelins stairway to heaven. [laughter] [applause] now heres spirits song taurus. I dont know what legally constitutes plagiarism, all i know is that they both made me want to couples skate. [laughter] , so i have no choice to give a wag of my thinger to my former heroes, led zeppelin. I know some of you are thinking, maybe its a coincidence. Arent you being a little hard on greg . Well, eat hot facts. Taurus was released three years before stairway to heaven. Jimmy paige says he wrote it in a cottage in whales in 1970. But a lawyer representing andy california, whose band toured with zeppelin in 1969, stole the opening riff. Stephen and if that wasnt enough, he also apparently stole the neck from one of spirits guitars. Well, this communication breakdown has left me dazed and confused. Its a real heartbreaker, because i had a whole lotta love for zep. But hey, hey, what can i do . In here, the levee has broken, black dog. [cheering and applause] no longer. No longer will i celebrate september as zeptember. Ill have to make do with roctober, tullvember, stonesuary and barch. [laughter] so, zep, thats it. Instead of listening to you, im going to listen to spirits 12 dreams of doctor sardonicus. [laughter] oh yeah,. Oh, yeah, im eventually going to get into this. Jimmy, crank it up. Now crank it down. All right. Now just crank it off. [laughter] well be right back. Dont just visit hawaii. Visit tripadvisor hawaii. With millions of reviews, tripadvisor makes any destination better. He says when somethings good, why change it . What if you were to try Something Different . [ chocolate laughs ] [ male announcer ] its a whole new way to love Peanut Butter chocolate. 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When you take geico, you can call them anytime you feel like saving money. It dont matter, day or night. Use your computer, your smartphone, your tablet, whatever. The point is, you have options. Oh, how convenient. Hey. Crab cakes, what are you looking at . Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. [cheering and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. Nation. [audience chanting stephen] i cant fight the lovenami. Nation, its not whether you win or lose, its whether i win or lose. This is the sport report. [cheering and applause] folks, today marks the start of the 2014 soccer world cup in brazil. I am feeling the soccer equivalent of excitement. Meaning i cant use my hands. Now, unfortunately this years 11 ties are going to be much less thrilling because fireworks and vuvuzelas have been forbidden from world cup stadiums. [audience reacts] what the cup . Theyre taking away my fireworks and the thing i shoot my fireworks out of . Now how am i supposed to pass the time in between the pregame riot and the postgame riot . That isnt the biggest problem here. Team u. S. A. Is facing an uppitch battle. Team u. S. A. Continues their buildup to the world cup. Theyre up against a lot. America will compete in group g with germany, portugal and ghana. Theyll face some of their toughest opponents in the first round, so bad its being called the group of death. Stephen yes, the group of death. An affiliation germans have been trying to get away from for about 70 years. Now, faith. Faced with this challenge, team u. S. A. s coach stepped up and surrendered, saying, we cannot win this world cup because we are not at that level yet. Realistically it is not possible. [audience reacts] you dont think an American Team could win . What kind of an american would say that . Terms out a german one. Because team u. S. A. s coach is juergen klinsmann, a german soccer star seen here being german. [laughter] he also said, we have to play the game of our lives seven times to win the tournament. So what . So what, jurgen, we can play the game of our lives seven times. They did it every night on friday night lights. Whats your problem . Thats the american way to, give up before you begin. What if the pilgrims had gone back to england and said, theres no point. Well never kill that many indians. I dont get these german soccer players. Here to help me get these german soccer players is germanys ambassador to the united nations. Please welcome the honorable hans beinholz. [cheering and applause] now, your excellency, thank you for joining me here to discuss the game. Thank you, stephen. Like many, i have world cup fever. [laughter] smit within the terrible disease of nationalism and competition, the twin seeds of war. Stephen yeah, you want your own team to win. I assume youre going to be rooting for germany. Yes, but what in truth do we win . The world cup is an opiate of the masses, a yaw drennal celebration of brute physicality by which we hope to quell the nausea of the horror of human exits tense. Go, team. [applause] stephen okay. Fine. But what about the u. S. s coach . Why wont he motivate our team . Do you mean lie to them . Tell them that they are better than he knows them to be . Nein. To love someone is to confront them with their own limitations. [laughter] stephen that helps . It helps the Little League team that i coach. [laughter] before every game i tell the children, we cannot win. We will suffer at the cruel hands of the blue gophers, and even if we win, victory is only a fleeting joy that soon disintegrates into sorrow, even in the beauty of the dawn we grieve for the coming dusk and defer to the child and smell the acrid stench of the grave. Steep stephen the honorable hans beinholz, everyone. Thank you so much. [cheering and applause] [ male announcer ] we start the day thinking about one thing. Bread. But we know youve been thinking about it, too. So were always trying to make it even better. Thats why we added some ingredients and took others out, making this our best bread yet. Bread is on the rise at subway. And took others out, making this our best bread yet. Rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a vietnam vet and a former . Omple ill ask him which is the bigger quagmire. Please welcome james webb. [cheering and applause] senator, senator, secretary, your excellency, which one do you want more, by the way, do you want secretary, senator . Which one do you want . Jim. Stephen thats a nice title. Is that short for something . Now, its good to have you back. This is two, three, four, i dont know how many times you have been on the show. I always like having you on because youre a real rank man. You were secretary of the navy. Right. Did you have to think about that for a second . Im late more than a reagan man. I did admire him a lot. Stephen were you there when he punched the berlin wall down . No. I think he did that without my help. A former senator in virginia. Assistant secretary of the navy under reagan. Youve written ten books. Most recently you have a new memoir called i heard my country calling. When your country called, what did your country say to you . And did you pick up first time or did you push decline. Actually at this point we have to worry a little bit more about what happens when we make our calls and our country is listening, the n. S. A. Stephen because that keeps us safe you mean. Thats what they say. Stephen are you a terrorist . Not that i know of. Stephen not that you know of. Not that i know of course but well see what n. S. A. Comes up with when they release these documents. You have nothing to hide, you have nothing to worry about. Stephen okay. Good. You lived a life of service to the country. Which service youve given to the country, whether in government or in the military, has been more important to you . The most important thing that i think ive ever been able to do for our country is serve as marine in vietnam. [cheering and applause] theres no. There niece greater honor than to have been able to be entrusted with the lives of americans when theyre at risk. And im very proud moif son for having served as marine in iraq, too, by the way. [applause] stephen when you were on a couple times before running for senate and as a senator, you wore your sons combat boots while he was over there. Did he get back safe . He did. Stephen good to hear it. Good to hear it. Also im really proud from the time i entered the senate, we introduced the post9 11 g. I. Bill, which is the best g. I. Bill our veterans have ever had in our history. And that was great moment in 08. I would think i was on your show shortly thereafter. Since that time more than a million veterans from iraq and afghanistan have been able to get a better education and improve their lives. [applause] stephen now, you were able to do that. Not a lot of people get things done in congress right now, but you were able to get that g. I. Bill through without, you say, cutting a lot of political deals to get it done. We didnt cut deals, but it was not an easy lift. Looking back on it, it seems like a nobrainer to be able to give these people who serveed, their tuition, buy their books, give them a stipend like we did for the world war ii veterans, but we were opposed all the way to the very end by the bush administration. Stephen why would you, if you were in the senate, not an easy club to get into, and you were able to get things done you believe in, which isnt easy to get done, why would you no longer want to be one of the 100 men of the United States . I think its healthy to take a step away. Ive doane it four times in my live. Ive served for a while. Then live and go write and do journalism and those kinds of things and then come back in. Stephen are you thinking about stepping back in because there is speculation you will be the first democrat to announce his candidacy for president in 2016. I dont know where that speculation is coming from, but im glad. Right here. You said you would not make a very good Vice President. You said you would not make a very good Vice President , and are you saying that you top out at senator or that youll only take president . Theres nothing in between. If i was going to be announcing for the presidency tonight, i would at least want to have worn a tie. [cheering and applause] [audience chanting stephen] stephen ill wait. I would like your pac list. Stephen if i gave you my pac list, that would be a federal offense, for which neither of us would be punished in any way. Senator james webb, i heard my country calling. Well be right back. Thank you, senator. Stephen thats it for the report, eve captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org [ ] damn it put the teethy wrench on the square thing and jiggle it left. [dishwasher whirring] thanks. By the way, that square thing is a hampton bolt and a manacheck maneuver. Hey. Hey, im just here for the tater tots. Wait. Look, i know you think you made your mind up about plumbing, and i respect that. But come to the third floor mens room tomorrow after 3