Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140627

Which i believe is 75 cents extra, just look at what obama was pointing at. The mild salsa. That sends a signal to our enemies around the world that our president is weak. Ronald Wilson Reagan could chug an entire bottle of hobb their row, and two hours later hed be whistling the star spangle banner out of his flaming bumhole. Long may it wave. And we were so close to having a true commanderinbeef. Just look at this 2012 photo of mitt romney ordering at a chipotle. Thats how you order high hygienically, folks, polite distance, hands in pockets, wearing a condom, one imagines. I only bring this up because i believe in the american dream. When my great, great grandfather braved the atlantic crossing, he came here with the hope his new country would never be ruined by a bunch of filthy immigrants. Sadly once again america is awash in unwashed masses. This time theyre pouring across the long, skinny ocean to our south, the rio grand. In the southwest, a deepening crisis tonight involving thousands of children from Central America who have been crossing into this country alone. Many were hoping to meet up with parents after fleeing violence, poverty and gangs. Packed into holding cells, sleeping on the floor with these thermal blankets, theres not enough food, not enough beds, not enough bathrooms. So sad to see those kids in their tinfoil pouch, not even a clove of garlic to season them. And the numbers, the numbers, folks, are shocking. So far more than 47,000 migrant kids have entered the country and have been caught since october 1st. To put that in perspective. If you stack 47,000 kids endtoend, you could probably get a job in that holding facility. Its an incredibly, incredibly tough situation for the employees. The children actually rejected their breakfast burritos because they were made of Flour Tortillas and people didnt realize that they eat corn or the tee yas. Stephen do you expect me to believe that not all hispanics eat Flour Tortillas . Next youll tell me mexicans dont eat waffle tacos. And wait, wait, folks. Wait until you hear what they claim is the reason that all this is happening. Theyre primarily from three Central American countries, honduras, guatemala and el salvador. The rumor is out across Central America about these socalled permisos, permission to stay in the United States. Somebody said they are giving permits for people to stay here. The rumor mill in the Central American countries is saying that once you get here, if youre an unaccompanied minor, you can stay. Stephen parents are just dropping kids off and then disappearing . Please, texas is not the ball pit at ikea. And i dont buy it, folks. I dont buy it. And dont you buy it either. [cheering and applause] since that explanation, however tragic it may be, this leaves too many unanswered questions. And theres no better way to unanswer them than i in Stephen Colberts bat [bleeped] serious. [cheering and applause] folks, longtime viewers know that in bat [bleeped] serious, i peel back the veil to expose hidden truths they dont want you to know. For instarntion did you know the fluoride the government puts in our water isnt even to control our minds . Its to strengthen our teeth. That way we wont get fillings and the rebel underground cant broadcast truth directly into our skull. [laughter] now, folks, these kids say theyre coming here to escape poverty and violence, but my conservative colleagues and i know that the more likely explanation is the one we like more. Just follow Texas Governor rick perry as he puts his head up his own rabbit hole. You either have an incredibly inept administration or theyre in on this somehow or other. I hate to be conspiratorial, but how do you move that many people from Central America across mexico and then into the United States without their being a fairly coordinated effort. I hate to be con conspiratorial, too but think about it. Thousands of kids streaming up from Central America across our border. Obama. It makes perfect sense. Okay. [cheering and applause] need more proof . Im out. But would you settle for Tucker Carlson . Can we be honest and say that there are some people in office, i would even say in the white house, who look at immigrants like this coming here illegally as potential voters, that this does change the electoral balance of the country and maybe they see this as a good thing. Stephen yes. Obamas organizing bus trips from tegucigalpa so these kids can grow up in america and become citizens through some future somehow passable immigration bill, all so they can vote and deliver obama his fifth term in 2024. It could happen. [cheering and applause] write that down. So just to recap the president is kidnapping thousands of Central American children to take them to the u. S. To swell voter rolls and single handedly destroy our Flour Tortilla industry. Here to confirm all of my suspicions is southwest correspondent for npr john burnett. John, thanks so much for coming back. Good to see you again. You heard everything. You heard me crack this one wide open. Why is obama doing this . Why did he put this policy in place so we cant ship these kids back . Let me share one story. Her name is carmen. She lives in a hotel room in austin with a 15yearold and an 11yearold that came up from el salvador. Harrowing trip. She said there are two reasons she brought them up. I think her story is representative. One, she hadnt hugged them in seven years. Stephen she was already here. She was already here. She had been up here seven years. Shes one of the los illegals. Yes. Stephen so shes a criminal. She broke the law and she wanted henchmen. Go ahead. Im not the monster here. Okay. Stephen im not the monster here. So let me get to the second reason. Go ahead. She wanted to hug her children. She wanted her children with her. Secondly, they were facing a horrific situation in san salvador. They were being preyed on by criminal gangs. They approached them and said, call your mom and give us 2,500 or well kill the boys. This is the kind of criminality that these youngsters are escaping. Stephen why is it happening now, because news flash, it hasnt been all that nice in those countries for about 30 years. It was so crappy in guatemala and honduras and el salvador that president reagan helped them by funding death squads. That was better. Well, Central American immigrants have been coming up for a long time, and this wave of unaccompanied kids, many of them are teenagers, is really coming up for two and a half years some its been peaking in the last stephen thats very important. Teenagers. Were not talking just for the sake of my public image, lets just say that im only complaining about the teenagers, because nobody likes teenagers. Okay. Or like the bratty tweens, those guys, daddy, i dont want to be taken away by the armed rebels. Okay. I want a new country. Get me one now. And a pony. Why is obama doing this . Why did he institute this policy . Why did he institute this policy where we dont send the kids back. Its not obamas policy. Stephen uhhuh. The policy by which unaccompanied minors are being detained at the border and delivered to their relatives in the states is under immigration policy that began under george w. Bush and previous regimes. Stephen oh, my god. [audience reacts] how did obama get to bush . [cheering and applause] tell me next time. Thank you so much. Npr correspondent john burnett. Well be right back. How do you do it . Ya godzilla seriously uh there he goes woo ya awww what . Godzilla is actually pretty cool. Except when he is hungry quick, throw him a snickers® woo, yeah youre not you when youre hungry®, snickers satisfies its a place youve been before, but its not on any map. So go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. Were all born wild. Lets keep it that way. The 2014 4runner. Toyota. Lets go places. The 2014 4runner. Wanna meet the band . Omgoodness step on up. Hey. Whoa groupies are easy. Crazy good break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. Welcome back, everybody. Folks, i am. I dont know about you, but i am absolutely stonecold furious about yesterdays heated Republican Senate primary in mississippi, which pitted Tea Party Challenger and shorthaired severus snape Chris Mcdaniel against incumbent senator and man in reverse mortgage ad thad cochran. I say it is time for cochran to go. Hes a Big Government washington insider famous for channeling federal cash to his state. He got a tremendous amount of funding for mississippi and the mississippi gulf coast after katrina. No one brings home more bacon to his state than thad cochran. Hes about bringing home the bacon. Bringing home the bacon. His calling card is that he brings home the pork. Stephen he brings home the pork and the bacon. Though, to be fair, to be fair, hog meat is mississippis official state currency. The point is. [cheering and applause] the point is, thad cochran is playing the dirty politics of promising people stuff and then delivering it. But not Chris Mcdaniel. Hes so against federal spending that he told a crowd at ole miss, im not going do anything for you. Im going to get the government off your back. Then im going to let you do it for yourself. Thus standing by his old campaign slogan, mcdaniel 2014, youll get nothing and youll like it. [cheering and applause] well, folks, its sad to say the results are in and cochran won 50. 9 to 49. 1 . Few things are ever that close in mississippi other than the genomes of married couples. [laughter and applause] but its not just. Its not just that cochran won. Its how he won. Thad cochran said, look, strategically i have to win over blacks and union members. Thats who he went after. Evidently they showed up. Congress fan reached out the voters beyond his conservative base, including blacks. Its unreal the level of black turnout in a republican primary yesterday. Is this the future of the republican party, you brag about your bigspending ways to the voters and you rely on the support of black liberal democrats to get you elected . Jon he appealed to black people. Thats incredibly selfish. Doesnt thad cochran know theres no i in mississippi. And this was no accident, folks. Cochran made a deal with the devilcrats, who teamed with the Mississippi Conservative pac to do get out the vote work and rally African American voters. Those democrats, Bishop Ronnie crudup, sr. , and james scoobydoo warren. Rut roh and, folks, im telling you, and mcdaniels would have won this race, too if it wasnt for you meddling kids. [laughter] i guess what im trying say is, when did black people start voting . When we return, ill sit down with one of the people responsible for black people voting in mississippi, representative Eleanor Holmes norton. Well be right back. [cheering and applause] Andy Williams singing its the most wonderful tim] its the most wonderful time. Of th ding dong. Ding dong. With those holiday greetings. And gay happy meetings when. Friends come to call. Its the most wonderful time. Yes the most wonderful time. Of the year come to mcdonalds and play peel. Play. Ole ole. You could win exciting soccer trips, soccer themed prizes, and instant win prizes. Ba da ba ba ba how can you see yourself in new glasswithout your glasses . 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Introducing fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology. Makes maximum contact over tricky contours, and gets virtually every hair. New flexball for the fusion proglide. Gillette. The best a man can get. Stephen my guest tonight is my arch nemesis. Please welcome congresswoman Eleanor Holmes norton. [cheering and applause] congresswoman, thank you so much for coming. Good to see you again. You and i have been enemies long enough they think were almost friends at this point. Not quite. Stephen all right. All right. You represent the District Of Columbia where you are a nonvoting member. I want to thank you in joining your republican colleagues in nonvoting for any legislation. [applause] the difference is they can vote and still vote for legislation. Stephen but its admirable restraint on their behalf. Youre here to talk about the 50th anniversary of whats called freedom summer in mississippi. Tell the young people what freedom summer was and the role you played in it. Well, freedom summer was when large number, actually thousands, of students from all over the country came to mississippi to try to help mississippians who were kept from voting learn how to vote and to get them to the polls. Stephen okay. Why wouldnt they just register . I understand that only 10 of black vote centers mississippi were registered before you and other freedom riders went down there to help them register. And yet they were half the population, so whats up . Steep yeah, whats up is my question. What was up is they wouldnt let them vote. They wouldnt let them register. Steep who is they . Are you talking about the man . The men. Stephen okay. Welk you were a student at Yale Law School at the time. Yep. Stephen okay. When you first came down in 1963, medgar evers met you at the bus station. Tell the young people here again who medgar evers was and what happened to him that summer. Medgar evers was martyr of the civil rights movement. Medgar evers was the head of the naacp in the state of mississippi. Mississippi was at that point so far behind the rest of the country that it had not even had sitins, things where we need to sit in and say were entitled to have a cup of coffee. They hadnt even had those. He had to leave those. And there were very few lawyers, much less law students like me, so when i came, he wanted me to remain in jackson, whereas i had promised to go to the delta, which was the heart of the worst part of mississippi where people couldnt vote. We put me on a bus after showing me around jackson all day, went home and was shot in the back. Martyr of the civil rights movement. Stephen and thats your first day in mississippi. Very first day. Stephen you went back again the next year. Well, next year was the mississippi freedom summer. Actually, what i was doing in the delta the year before was the prototype for the mississippi freedom summer when the students were going to come down. The question is what are the students going to do. Theyre going to do workshops. Stephen outside agitate i believe is the technical term. Dont get me wrong. Again, im not the monster here. But shouldnt it be up to individual states as to how easy or hard it is for black people to vote . [laughter] doesnt the 10th amendment guarantee that to the states . Stephen, have you ever heard of the 14th amendment . Stephen i have no. No, i have not. No. I dont think it goes that high. [applause] i dont think it actually goes that high. [laughter] whats the 14th amendment . Everybody has to be treated equally. Stephen okay. Even when it comes to voting. Stephen ill take your word for it. Duh. Stephen okay. Were approaching the anniversary of the 1964 civil rights act. And today in congress this happened. This is several members of congress joining arms singing we shall overcome. We shall live in peace we shall live in peace stephen was it worth all this effort and all this suffering to see tex depression on Mitch Mcconnell and John Boehners face when they sang that song . I dont see how you could laugh at members of congress joining us in singing we shall overcome. Stephen i want to point out to you that Mitch Mcconnell and john boehner are not singing. They are Holding Hands and swaying in agony. [laughter] they didnt. They just didnt know the words, stephen. Stephen the words, jim, go find this footage, because its in the same thing, go back about 30 second, because the words are on a giant prompter rolling. I [bleeped] you not. They are. I promise you. [cheering and applause] ill wait. I dont care how long this show goes. Its on a prompter in the background. So what do you want from them . Stephen i dont want anything from them. [laughter] now, how many people do you guys end up registering that summer . I dont have that number with me, stephen. [laughter] stephen its cable. Make it up. [applause] all im saying is. All im saying is you must have signed up a lot of people because you saw what happened with thad cochran, the black vote swayed the vote. It swung the election in mississippi. Would you like to take a moment right now and apologize to Chris Mcdaniel . Id like to take a moment to say to those who went to the polls, those African Americans, you sure knew what to do with the vote. We went to get for you in 1964. Thank you. [cheering and applause] jon congresswoman Eleanor Holmes norton. Thank you so much for joining me, madam. Well be right back. Break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. Was killed june 28,2005 in afghanistan. My husbands death was the hardest thing ive ever faced. The special Operations Warrior Foundation stepped in to help. Now you can help, too. Purchase new cherry 5hour energy now through july thirtyfirst and a portion of each sale benefits special Operations Warrior Foundation to help families of fallen heroes. I will always miss my dad, but thanks to special Operations Warrior Foundation i will never feel alone. Moon river wider than a mile im crossing you in style. The summer of this. Mmer. Wider than a mile the summer that summers from here on will be compared to. Where memories will be forged into the sand. And then hung on a wall for years to come. Get out there, with over 50,000 hotels at 150 dollars or less. Expedia. Find yours. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Dwight. Thank you very much. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. Im jon stewart. We got a good one tonight. Our guest tonight, keira knightly, host of the news parody the knightly show. I should just go now. Im sorry. [laughter] lets begin tonight with some important news. Republican senator thad cochran of mississippi and charlie rangel, 160 years of life between them, 86 elected years in office, aaaahhhh if they were one man, they would have been born in 1854. Elected to congress in 1928. They would have died in 1944 and still held office for 70 more years. [laughter] and their name would have been tharly cockangel of the mississippi tharly cockangels and the basis for the tv show,