I dont do this show for the money. I do this show to make your life better. cheers and applause jon . Stephen now folks, theres so much horrible news out there right now. The ebola epidemic is spreading. Isis continues their reign of terror and evidently, and i did not see this coming, the nfl employs some violent people. laughter i know. Who could predict that . But no matter how rough the news gets, you know what they say, when the going gets tough, the tough escape into a world of fantasy. And i am personally a huge fan of the genre from the lord of the rings, to the chronicles of narnia to the notebooks of galileo. I mean the earth goes around the sun . Please, i got two eyes, i can see. How did joshua stop the sun at jericho, come on. My love of the forum goes all the way back to high school. I used to feel so alone. It was just cheers and applause stephen ladies, where were you when i was 16 . Back then it was just me an my 20 sided die. In fact, that die was my prom date. I did not get lucky that night. She managed to roll a save throwing against my magic wand. laughter but things are different now. The fantasy market is blowing up. In fact, the twilight series alone has earned over 5. 7 billion. To put that in perspective, if you laid 5. 7 billion endtoend, it would still be more interesting than any of the twilight movies. applause but superheroes, folks, but superheroes are the biggest caped cash cows. Dc has made 8. 9 million at the box office an marvels movies have doubled that, proving once again it is more profitable to be a defense contractor than a journalist. Well, daddy wants in on the scifi santa see cashnado and i recently had the good fortune to acquire the next blockbuster franchise. Im talking, of course, about the adventures of prince hawkcat. Okay. This is the most popular human animal hybrid fantasy franchise ever published in esperonto. I can tell by your reaction that you are huge fans. So i feel good. cheers and applause i feel pretty good about investing my lifesavings in this thing. Of course prince hawkcat is a character everyone can kre late to. Half hawk, half cat, paw prints. Of course hawks an cats are natural enemies so if you show him a mer rohr, will attack himself. Now all i have to do is slap together a movie based on this thing, and get those tickets in to sweaty palms worldwide. And what better place, come on, people are excited and what better place to do Market Research than the mecca of scifi branding and dweebondweeb dry humping comiccon, the holy grail of the coveted 18 to 34 nerd demographic. Thousands of people wearing costumes or kosplay as their favorite characters. Some of them spookily accurate. In order to reach these people, i would have to become one of them. laughter cheers and applause i am hawkcat. I took to the streets surrounded by hidden cameras, ready to fend off hawkcats adoring fans. Here i am, hawkcat. Can you guess who i am . You are obviously eagle very close, eagle is close. Not starhawk. Tell me, please. Stephen what else do i look like besides a hawk. Nothing, i dont know, man. I dont want to. Stephen whiskers. Okay. Put them together. Are you so close. Hawkcat. Stephen hawkcat, prince hawkcat. Oh, okay, now i see sounds good. Stephen thanks, like a cat can lick himself but unfortunately he has a back which is extremely painful. Yeah. Can you guess who i am . Starhawk. No, do you know who i am . No. Stephen do you know who i am . No. Do you know who starhawk is . Yes stephen [bleep] you. I dont know who this starhawk douchebag, is no recognition on the street but i knew all that would change when i got in the convention center, the belly of the geekbeast. These people were the hardcore hawkcat fans. Hawkcat. I fit right in. You can tell me who i am. I dont know. Do you know who i am . I dont, no. Who character am i playing. I dont know. Hawkcat didnt expect to pay 29. 99 for doughnuts. Male hawkcat cant remember hawkcats password. It was magical to walk the very same carpet that previously hosted the American Neurological Association annual expo. Prince hawkcat restored his dwindling magical powers by cannibalizing a distant cousin in the form of a Fried Chicken sandwich. Hawkcat not birdman. A cat but also a hawk. Yes. How hard could this be . Ive got ears and a god dam back. Four letters, its either hawk or cat. Hawkcat. Stephen yes hawkcat. Now that the crowd knew that hawkcat was in the house, everyone wanted a piece. What are you dressed as . Meleficent. Stephen really . Who are you more excited to have your picture with, me or her. You. You probably should go. I have this corner right now. I must say hawkcat likes the hawkkitty. Meow. Who are you . Oh, xena, yeah, i see, excellent. So what are you . I guess im a worker. Great. Really beautiful. Green mile . You could be the new green mile that is awesome. Prince hawkcat had taken comiccon by storm. Now it was time to man my booth and sell my movie. First up, a prince. A battle for all. Pbd. Science, magic, based on the hawkcat series. Cawmeow. Come to me, subject. Hawkcat, get your hawkcat. Soon i had a crowd. What is this movie about . This is about a boy, it is in the distant future n 2019, based on princehawk. Prince hawkcat series of novels. Do you know any chinese . Not chinese . I know the Chinese People go see movies and try to figure out which ones the Chinese People saw. Can i ask you which titles you like better, tales beyond dimension. Terror doubt rot me. Teds big day, or the bionic dentist. Are you chinese . Hes japanese. All right, looking for Chinese People. Thank you. No one has ever heard of it. Not heard of prinses hawkcat, no. Response was muted to tbd but luckily hi also invested in a animated Christmas Movie called manan mananamanana. And i knew how to sell it to eye room full of rocket robots and wiz ars. Have you accepted jesus christ as your lord and saviour. You have thought about accepting jesus christ as your lord and saviour. Have you is accepted jesus christ as your lord and saviour. No. Would you be interested. Not today. Have you seen the veggie tales this is like veg yeaux tales. But with fruit instead of vegetables and banana time travel and its a man. It has a christian message. Yeah, are you guys into that . Pay dirt. Story of jesus christ, told from the point of view of a banana. No, the banana is friends with jesus, starts off as a story about jessus as a little boy. Hes really lonely, because hes god and people dont understand them so he prayed to god for a best friend and god turns a ban anena into a man and he is a manana and they have fun together. And then later, cut to in the werent day there is an atheist, okay. And es a a lawyer, clarence darrow, evolution lawyer. And he wants jesus not to have saved mankind so he gets in a time machine and he goes back to try to defend jesus against pontius pilot so jess you jesus wont be crucified to save mankind and he is like it is so superimportant you dont win this case. And he is like im to the going to be a country lawyer, but i happen to know its my job. I took an oath. All right. So they get him off, then they keep him in the time machine and bring jess to us the presentday. The atheist lawyer thinks hes won but what happened is, is that back in jesuss time they end up crucifying the banana, okay. And all of mankind is saved by the banannar because he knew all of jesuss teachings and saved everybody anyway. Roll opening credits. Thats the beginning of the film. We still are christian but we worship the ban an app. The banana is saved. In the sequel he fights crime and its a musical. The whole thing is a musical. After a long day of pitching my movie, i now had the input i needed from the experts. Can i see your permit. Unfortunately i did not have a permit for my booth. cheers and applause folks, since my lifesavings are tied up in both of these movies, ive decided to blend them in one new film, prince manana hawknana. Its first part is what we have already filmed manana, the second is the story boards for hawkcat and the last two hours is prince hawkcat watching guardians of the galaxy in a movie theatre. Well be right back. applause [door bell rings] [door bell rings] [phone rings] hello. Heh. Heh. Hehhehe. Tmobiles is the First National network to give you wifi calling. Now every wifi connection works like a tmobile tower. Its wifi unleashed. Claritind presents two allergy sufferers. One tried nasacort, which could take up to a week to feel maximum nasal symptom relief. The other took claritind,which starts to work on allergies in 30 minutes. The moral nothing works faster than claritind a mint flavor that hointensifies as you chew. 5 ascent gum. Stimulate your senses. Co until youre sure you do. You need a hotel room bartender thanks, captain obvious. Co which is why i put the hotels. Com mobile app on my mobile phone. Hotels. Com i dont need it right now. Welcome back. Folks, im a big fan, thank you. Im a huge fan of the pentagons program of giving surplus military gear to local Police Departments. Its the only way to keep the peace in the unstable tribal region of suburban st. Louis. But some folks say Police Departments shouldnt have all these equipment and i agree because it should be going to our schools. New controversy tonight over this military grade armour veekd now in the hands of San Diego Unified School district School District. Hey, the san diego School District needs that mrap to defend itself in case los angeles School Districts get grenade launchers. Which they did. Besides, as the san diego School District police chief explained, its not as scary as it looks. There will be medical supplies in the vehicle. There will be teddy bears in the vehicle. Stephen what a valuable life lesson, kids, when you see an urban military strike vehicle, run towards it for the free teddy bears. And the district, the district has taken great pains to make sure the mrap does not scare the kids. San Diego Unified School District is going to enlist its shop class to give it a paint job, see . Now it just looks like a mine resistant ambush protected ambulance. Only this one doesnt need a siren because they can just drive right over the traffic. Folks, i say this is how we can reassure everyone about having military vehicles rolling down main street america. Because as harmless as this mrap looks here it could look even more harmlesser. I say we mount a giant hot dog on the roof. Now its no longer an 18 ton armoured military transport, it is just the oscar myer assault weiner. Or even better, people love it. People love it. Or even better, we attach a speaker to the top and play music to turn if into an ice cream truck. You know what they say, ice cream, you scream, we all scream when this thing comes down the street. Well be right back. Down the street. Well be right back. cheers athis is a pip. Its part of a hersheys bar. We break it. We bite it. We sneak it. We smoosh it. We savor it. We love it. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate. So dude. Whatstheyre super soft. S . Yeah, but why dont you just wear a Hanes Comfortblend shirt . Its just as soft as those kittens, but ya know, its a shirt. But i got it off skymall. Try Hanes Comfortblend. Softness for the whole family. Whoamy cuts all better. Re. Cause sarahs mom discovered neosporin. With patented technology. That heals cuts two days faster than store brands. Neosporin. Buy three Johnson Johnson first aid products and get a free bag. dootrick or treat mmm thank you mmm mmm welcome back, my guest tonight is from the lord of the rings movies, our interview will be adapted by Peter Jackson into two three hour films. Please well cole viggo mortensen. cheers and applause stephen whooo hey, viggo, good to see you again, so nice to have you back. Thank you for being here. Youve been on the show before but i have never had you as a guest. It is a long time goal of mine. Your final season. Good luck with the next place youre going to. Stephen to hell in the end, my friend. Im sure will you do fine. Stephen wherever i go, i dont know, i dont have any planes right now. Viggo, you know, youre a movie star so it means i dont trust you and i blame you for societys ill. Fair enough. Stephen but youre not just a movie star, youre also a musician, a photographer, a painter, a poet. You have appeared in over 40 fills including history of violence, lord of the rings triology. Your new movie, your new movie is called the two faces of january in theatres september 26th. Just give me a little idea here. What are the odds that this interview ends in a naked knife fight . Because i got the knifes if youve got the naked. Im ready to go. Well, this movie does harken back to a bygonnera when men had to drink a lot of alcohol before they would get maked in front of one another. So i think after a few drinks we could show each other our knives, i think. All right, now you play a conman. I do. Stephen is he the hero or the villean because conman doesnt sound good . Hes a kind of bad guy that you want to get away with everything. Somehow. At least thats how i saw it. Stephen we have a clip. Lets show the good guy bad guy. May i finish my scotch first. Yeah . Stephen im going to guess that doesnt end well. No right there you could see i was thinking about getting naked. Im getting there, im getting there. Or at least managing a knife fight. Yes. Stephen after acting for so many years, do you know who you are any more . Because ackers are liars, basically. You lie about who you are to an audience. Is there anything left of viggo . Not much, no. Stephen you do, you have to reinvent yourself all the time. Yeah, i accept it. I like it, i revel in it. Stephen of assuming who are you to a character. Lying, cheating, yeah, all that. So plague a conman was kind of like type casting, really. Stephen the other things that you do the poetry, the music, the art, the photography, why do that . That sounds like much more work than acting is because that involves actually having to produce a physical thing that you give to someone whereas acting you can go in there, you reflect light and youre halfway there. Why would you what is it, what is it about those other things that attract you when you have already got the star dumb. Im insecure. Stephen are you really . A lot of ackers are. No, im restless. I like to be busy. I always feel that life is short and i just want to learn as much as i can. Stephen really . Wow. And i like books, i like to read books, i like to do you, can you . I can, i could, i could, i just dont like to show off by reading. No, i understand that you very good with accents. You can do a lot of different accents. I dont know. What some study, sure. Stephen well, ive got two hats here. If you would indulge me for a moment. One of them is a list of accents, another is something i would want to you say in that accent. Will we take turns. Stephen would you like to take turns . cheers and applause yeah. Stephen okay, great. You first, pick your accent, what accent you have to say it in. Okay. All right. Are they all the same card . No, no in is what i want to you say, this is something you have to say any one of them, okay. I swear it was the dog. Was that ireland. That was ireland you could arwan cousin. I will go next. Here we go. Okay. Spanish. These two dont go welling to for me. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of america. Viggo mortensen, the two face of january, opens next friday, well be right back. Say hello to stackerz. The treat thats got two tasty flavors. Stackerz aint just a treat. Its got real meat. New stackerz. Sooooooooo meaty. Which is why we prepare them fresh, in store. Were all about finding unique veggies. Making your sandwich a one of a kind creation. So come on in and get your veggie on. Subway. Eat fresh. Blallinones and 2in1s,d ti was kind of excited. Nd exclusive selection of portable before to have a device this powerful it had to be plugged in on a desk, but with the intel processor inside its powerful, portable, sleek. Blue shirts wife they pretty much do everything. I can watch movies with the kids, and then i can go to the living room, we can play games. Blue shirt what . blue shirts wife were gonna have to get both of these. Blue shirt yeah. Vo beta tested, blue shirt approved. Save 50 on select 2in1s with powerful intel processors inside. Only at best buy. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me see those pants jennie my pants . Amy the court orders that you pivot, as to see the pants. So you like to look good in pants, huh . Where did these pants come from . Jennie old navy. Amy how much were they . Jennie 25 dollars. And they come in a lot of patterns and colors. Amy doesnt add up maam. Jennie its true amy you got that helen . Amy pixie pants. Helen pixie pants 25 dollars. Amy paul, what do you think of those pants . I think the pants would be, in a better home, if they were on my legs. So. Courts adjourned until we get those pants. Helen lets go, you drive chop chop stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. Chris its 11 59 and 59 seconds. This happened on reddit today literally, the only thing more prevalent on the internet than iggy azalea sex tape rumors are parodies of her song fancy. We sent the midnight esubmarine to plumb the tonedeaf bottom of this barrel and it returned with this specimen at the top of r cringe. I give you, were so cheesecake. First things first, im your waitress. Were so fancy. Were the best cheesecake from l. A. To buffalo much like a dish at th