An extremist eco group called earth first bewails the violation of american nature. Sure, its easy to cry about majestic trees, but some of us happen to care about every living thing on gods beautiful green earth. I want to mourn the loss of all the oldgrowth grass ive seen and tell them that i love them and i dont want them to die, that there are some people here that do care [lawn mower approaching] so i want you to know that, clippings that i care jorge, make sure you square off my hedges si, mr. Daniel. All right. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. Good night. [applause] trevor from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show im trevor noah thank you so much, everybody thank you so much our guest tonight, hilary, trump and the impending doom of america. Chief White House Correspondent from politico, mike allen is joining us, everybody cheers and applause but first, we turn our gaze to the east. President obama arriving in vietnam today, the first leg of his week long trip to a. I. G. President obama had dinner with anthony bourdain, dined on pork and rice noodles. The meal cost 6 bucks and bourdain picked up the check. Trevor i feel thats a little passive aggressive anthony bourdain. Of course you pick up the check when youre eating with the president because theres no way obama carries cash. Yeah, he doesnt even need to carry house keys. All he needs to carry are the Nuclear Codes and notes joe biden passes him in the situation room. Thats pretty much the only thing he has in there. And by the way, bore dab paid 6 for the meal with the president which comes out to, in vietnam, 134000 dong. I know some of you will be childish. But be mature. Also normal because they work with the dong. The currency is the dong. Fistfuls of dong in guys, please, you go to mcdonalds and order off the dong menu. Thats how it works. At subway they order the 5dong foot long. This is just a thing. You can get razors from the dong shave club. A very different world. laughter now, luckily for the world, obamas way more mature than we are on the show and while in vietnam, hes been handling actual business. During an historic visit to hanoi, president obama lifted the arms embargo on vietnam calling it a vestige of the cold war. The vietnamese are eager to build ties with cold war era foe in large part because of the threat posed by militarily aggressive china which is seizing territory in both the east and south china seas. Trevor there is a big deal, obama selling arms to vietnam and only doing it because china is seizing territory in the south china sea. I love how passive aggressive World Leaders are. Theyre never just, like, yo, china, cut it out instead, obama is, like, vietnam, i have 34eus also china, are you watching . China just wait. Vietnam, i have some china, china vietnam, i have some china yeah, watch, some missiles for you some missiles laughter you know, politics aside, people, you have to admit barack obama is the coolest president ever. He really is. He plays basketball, he tells jokes. cheers and applause you know, he smokes. Its like as if the president were black. Just something special. Now hes leaving and looks like choosing his replacement is a lot harder than anyone expected because 2016 was hillarys presidency to lose. Looks like thats exactly what shes doing. For the First Time Ever it is close. 43. 3 to 43. 2 the only time anyone should be strug thing between Hillary Clinton and donald trump is if theyre picking a halloween costume, people how are you stuck with two people . We have 17 different kinds of corn flakes. Six kardashians, you only need one, and two president ial candidates i dont understand Hillary Clinton was one of the most popular Public Officials in the country and shes losing to an overcooked street potato how the hell does this happen . It doesnt help that every few months we hear u. S. State Department Inspector general reported Hillary Clinton did not follow Department Guidelines which used a personal email account and private email server as secretary of state. She violated the federal records act by not turning over all official emails before she left office. When two i. T. Staffers voiced kerns about her email practices and security, they were told never to speak of the secretarys personal email system again. Trevor why, hillary why . so basically hillary had a personal email server against the rules, lied about being allowed to use it, and then when someone brought it up, they were told to never speak of it again. Soundsless like a bureaucratic coverup and more like a game of thrones. Is it true the queen has been using a private server . Never speak of the queens personal email system again. Of course, my lord. And pray you tell, what is email . I dont know. Were deviating from the book now. Were deviating. Things are changing. applause the i. G. Reports on hillarys email is complicated, 83 pages of what policy rules were violated, what emails got stolen, did they get stolen, were they deleted . And thankfully one expert summarized everything for us. Shes as crooked as they come. She had a little bad news today, as you know, some reports came down, werent so good, but not so good. The inspector generals report not good laughter trevor hey, donald, you can use full sentences, you know. Its a speech, not twitter. You know the one nice thing about donald trump is that when trump takes the country back to the stone age hes going to be able to effectively communicate. Union, stay strong strong stay, union, strong, mmm applause its so insane right now. Hillarys image has gotten so bad that now voters cant even think of nice things to say about her. I want a word or phrase to describe Hillary Clinton. Corrupt. Liar. Deceiver. Opportunist. She just you can turn off the sound and still see on her face that she was lying. Shes the worst liar ive ever seen in my life. She lied about lying. How many of you have a positive impression of Hillary Clinton . Raise your hands. None of you. Trevor damn is it really that bad, people in right now people are looking at president ial candidates the same way they look at public bathrooms. No, no, not that one. I guess, but no hands. Ahhh you know, this phase of the campaign makes you wonder if there is anything hillary can do to get people to like her again. For more on this, seen your Clinton Campaign analyst michelle wolf, everybody cheers and applause michele, obviously, this is not great news for Hillary Clinton. I mean, what should she do about the latest controversy . Michelle listen, hillary, the jig is up no one likes you. But you can make that work you have to embrace your unlikability. Holder it closer than alicia keys. She needs to be on a leash. But youre not running to be everybodys friend. Youre running to be the boss and no one leaks their boss. Trevor some people like their bosses. No. laughter no one likes their boss. Not even at all. Not even a teeny tiny bit. My boss speaks weird. He says things like contraversy. Its controversy. You sound like youre narrating an old Childrens School book. laughter and how many dimples do you need . Trevor i only have two dimples and theyre not my fault. Yes, they are you need to strengthen your cheek muscles laughter its a deformity. Trevor lets move on. What about hillary . Hillary just needs to be herself. Remember this picture . Thats who we need to run the world a nononsense, indoor sun glasswaring box lady who eats enemies and bleep policy cheers and applause now, people always complain hillary doesnt seem like a candidate that you could get a beer with. Maybe she doesnt want to get a beer with you whatever weird spritzer she drinks. If you saw a woman alone wearing sunglasses like Hillary Clinton wears, you would say, oh, she looks like a terminator ill leave that one alone thats what America Needs in a bar. You dont need to be liked to be effective. Look at bill belichick. Trevor the patriots coach. Yes, the real football. laughter he has one super bowl ring and did it without a kind or honest bone in his body. Im not even sure he has bones. He looks like a hes mean, underhanded, looks like he fishes his shirt out of a swamp behind good will but he wins thats your role model, hillary be the belichick this country needs. Trevor dont americans deserve a leader they like . No, theyre awkward, you dont want to see with them but they get the job done. What is contraversy about . Emails, server. We walk around like we know what a server is. Yeah, i could point it out in this room. The only question about the emails is did they get where theyre supposed to go . Yes . Well, shut the bleep up. cheers and applause oh, no she has a shrill voice it hurts my manhood look, take it from someone else who has a shrill voice, maybe its not her problem, maybe you just need to fix your bitchass ears cheers and applause trevor i would like to say for the record i think you have a lovely voice. No you dont, you ladyfaced liar laughter i hate my boss. The point is no one likes their boss, hillary we, need you to be our boss. We dont want you to be but we need you to be because if you arent, in a couple of years, we will be eating grilled squirrel from a hole in the ground with our children asking, but why do we have to live like this, moumy . And well have to respond, we didnt vote for the smart ladies because of emails she sent from a different server. And the child will say, whats a server . And well say, i dont know, i never bleep knew, so shut up and eat your squirrel before king trump comes back, trevor king trump comes back, Trevor Trevor wow hey there, can i help you with anything . Hey siri, whats at ts latest offer . Oh, i dont think that siri can. Right now, switch to at t for an iphone and get one free. Wow, is that right . Yeah, its basically. Yes. That is the current offer from at t. Okay siri, you dont know everything. Well, i know you asked me to call you the at t hostess with the mostest. Okay, shut her down. Turn it off. Right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line. Usic sex machine by james brown no way, its a chevy. Oh wow its the chevy memorial day sale. Time to get the crossover thats right for you. Trax, equinox, or traverse. Its very impressive. Its awesome. This is incredible. Itd be a good road trip car. The wifi is cool. Its fancy. I love it. Get more than you expect for less than you imagined during the chevy memorial day sale. Current qualified competitive lessees can get this chevy equinox lt for around 189 a month. Plus find your tag and get an additional 500 lease cash on select equinox vehicles in stock. How do you choose a mcpick 2 . Et a mcpick2 are you a beardstroker . Or a visualizer . Perhaps youre a handwarmer. A lippursing eyebrow shifter. Or maybe a doalittledancer. However you choose, get just what youre craving with a mcpick 2. Lemme get a mcpick2 for a limited time, choose any two mcdonalds classics for five bucks. Like the 100 beef big mac, filetofish made with sustainably sourced fish, or 10piece chicken mcnuggets made with white meat enjoy the choice lemme get a mcpick2 find more delicious deals in our app. Ba da da da da cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. Thank you. Thank you so much. Now, we were just talking earlier about those polls showing that Hillary Clinton is the second most unlikable major candidate ever to run for president. Now lets talk about the first. While donald trump is widely disliked, he is especially disliked by women, as trump is well aware. I keep hearing about this woman thing. I think im doing well with women, but what do i know . They say im setting records with men. Ah, thats so up exciting to me i want to set records with women, not with men to hell with the men right . To hell with the men i want to set records with women i wan trevor i want to set records with women sounds like trump is getting speech ideas from a perverts tinder profile. laughter hes focusing on the small percentage of women who do like him. When i got here, there was a group of a couple hundred women, great women, bring some of them up. Where are they . Come on up here. These people, look at them. Theyre women that love trump. Im telling you, women do like me. Im telling you. Thank you god for sending us donald j. Trump to be our next president of the United States of America Trevor i bet you god is like, im sorry, what . No, that wasnt me. No, no, sorry. You must be thinking of somebody else. I was busy handling an earthquake somewhere. That was not me. I dont know if thats the thing you want to say. I dont know if god sends us donald trump. Wouldnt surprise me. God as sent us a lot of things mosquitoes, the plague, that mothers day movie. laughter there is a reason why the majority of women are not trump fans. For example trump going personal, opting to make fun of clintons voice. And i will never say this, but she screams, it drives me crazy. I didnt say it. I cant listen. Trevor ah we shouldnt be quick to judge, donald trump. Remember, he is sensitive to reason and fact and thats why it hurts him and its hard for him to fully cover his ears with those tiny hands of his laughter this is mott the first time a woman shouting causes trump distress as we discovered in the trump archives. I could do this all day. I dont want to be involved in politics beyond i believe in trashing your enemy. Look in that fat ugly face of hers and say, rosy, youre fired. Trevor welcome to the back to the chronicles of narcissism in which we unearth observe secure moments deep in trumps past. These clips arent online so nobody has seen them since they aired in 1994. Theyre from primetime live, an interview in which trump explains to journalist Nancy Collins why hes uncomfortable with his then wife marla maples working. You have said you dont want marla to work. No. You actually said it on the day of the wedding. I think im probably mixed. I have days when i think its great. Then i have days where if i come home and, you know, i dont want to sound too much like a chauvinist, but when i come home and dinner is not ready, i go through the roof, okay. audience reacts trevor you dont want to sound too much like a chauvinist . Well, you didnt try very hard not to. Thats like saying i dont want to sound too much like a racist, but get off my lawn bleep but i guess thats what weve learned today, people, how donald trump sees relationships with women. He works, the woman cooks. After a few years, he trades her in for a newer model and i literally mean a newer model. Well be right back. cheers and applause this is smith forge. A superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider the pioneers drank. And they traveled this country. On foot. Smith forge. Hard cider the way its sposed to taste. Intrthe only lemon lime soda with a twist of real juice. Its a crisp, refreshing twist on lemon lime. Insist on the twist. pilot talking to tower on radio once you get out here. Theres just one direction. Forward. One time now. And theres just one sound. You and us. Together. Telling the world. Were coming for you. What are you doing . Sara, i love you, and. [phone rings] ah, its my brother. Keep going. Sara, will you marry. [phone rings again] what do you want, todd . . . . [crowd cheering] keep it going if you sit on your phone, you buttdial people. Its what you do. Todd if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. I know we just met like, two months ago. Yes [crowd cheering] [crowd cheering over phone] ok hon, ive got chips, i got drinks, is there anything else . I think we are out of eggs. Ok, can you check . Umm, can you . Yeah, i am looking in the fridge now. The hen house is full. Great. Youre in the kitchen arent you . Hon, i gotta go. This projects going sideways. This is what happens when you marry an artist. Therbut, you dont have tongs youdo any of them. On. In one of our volcanoes, to see some lava youre probably gonna be disappointed. Trevor welcome back my guest tonight is the chief White House Correspondent for politico, please welcome mike allen cheers and applause mr. Allen, thank you so much for being here. A treat to be here. Trevor what an exciting time to be alive. What an exciting time to be in the world of politics. You must be salivating now. Not to put pressure on the voters but someone was telling me the other day, Hillary Clinton would be the first woman president , marco rubio would have been the first cuban president , trump would be the last president. laughter trevor you have been on the internet too much, my friend. Lets talk about this situation. Lets start off with trump. So they say now hes no longer presumptive as a nominee, hes just the nominee. Is this true . Weve reached trump today, two delegates to spare. Its official. Trevor they can change the rules, right . But there is no push to it. There is no reason to do that now. For months and months we have been saying, oh, whats going to happen behind the scenes in cleveland, but overwhelmingly Republican Voters and people who are going to be at the Convention Say trump and, so, people have been fighting it too little too late. Theyre going to have to go to cleveland, and the people who are never trump, in washington its amazing how fast theyre becoming ever trump. Paul ryan said he was not quite ready to endorse trump. He says hes not there yet. So this expression getting there in washington, everybody in washington is talking about how theyre going to get there, and what we have been hearing is his children are so nice so there must be something good about him. Trevor a lot of people say, but donald trump has amazing children, so he must be a really how has that become a measure for president . How low have we gotten when people go, what about their kids . What about their dogs . You have to admit, really nice dogs, this person could be a good president. Have you ever seen anything where the people didnt look at the candidate but their family . And theyre looking at their jobs. Saying what if he does become president . I want to be connected. Its amazing how fast people have come behind him. Trevor there is dray pa on the opposite side, though, Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton. If hillary is facing high levels of unfavorability, bernie fans are saying what about our dude . Is this not a time to consider the person because hes still in the race. So if youre a bernie fan and mike allen is an expert in politics as a White House Correspondent, what are you saying to those people . Is bernie still a viable candidate . Hes not going to be the nominee, but you have democrats of all kinds looking at what happened in the last 24 hours and saying Hillary Clinton has done herself no favors with how shes responded to the email report. Like this legalistic response in a statement and today she did a trump style phoneathon where she phoned in to a lot of stations and is saying no evidence, no precedent, it was allowed, it was consistent, it was known. No, no, no, no, no. None of those things are right and those answers are why people dont like her. Trevor so when we go to the democratic convention, there is no chance where you see people switching over . There is no shift where the Democratic Party says maybe we need to go with a candidate who is more likable than trump . Too late for that. The time is past. Donald trump was fantasizing about the idea of running against Bernie Sanders. People who dont have a trump nickname get a little ge jealou. He was talking about crazy bernie. Trevor donald trump says he will debate Bernie Sanders before the people in california vote. Is this a thing that makes any sense . Sure, it does for trump and bernie and it does if you own a television. Like, this could be one of the best debates in the history of television because bernie wants to keep it going. Trevor yes. He wants it to last as long as possible. Somebody was telling me bernie is the guy who you say, you know, party is over, youre cut off, ill call you an uber and you can go home, and bernie says, no, ill just crash on the couch. He wont leave. laughter trump, this elevates him, but trump the clever. Hes very opportunistic. He sees hes going to be able to bait bernie into saying all kinds of things on tape that he can then use in ads trevor against hillary. Sure trevor wow, this is exciting. I will say this about people who crash on the couch, they always make the night a lot more fun. Thank you very much for being here cheers and applause well be right back thank you so much. Show me what you got show me what you got show me what you got introducing the only lemon lime soda with a twist of real juice. New mist twst. Lets twist insist on the twist. Lets twist a superior hard apple cider this is smith forge. Inspired by the cider our forefathers drank. And they built this country with their bare hands. Smith forge. Hard cider the way its sposed to taste
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