cause were the champions. Yeah, call it. That was the hospital. Helen died. Oh. And left me 48,000 oh, my god. Lucky. Im Never Working again oh, im so rich im so rich im taking this. Im taking this shit right here. Whoo i can buy a new one i got that Jennifer Lawrence money, bitch whoo haha you ready for this knucklepuck . I was born ready, baby. I cant believe this is happening. Its knucklepuck time wait, no, i get to say that. Okay, the person who hits it says, its knucklepuck time. Okay. Its knucklepuck time. Its knucklepuck time. Knucklepuck time. Guys, check it out. I want you to meet nipples 2099. Whoa ow ow [groaning] son of a. No no, i cant handle another death. No sorry. That went kersplat. Nice. Nice. Male announcer from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. [cheers and applause] today is officially president obamas last day in office. [audience groans] and i can tell you that the marine one helicopter thats gonna carry him off tomorrow better have some extra juice in it. cause people are not ready to let go. We coming with you, barry, we coming [laughter] tomorrow is gonna be historic. We have no idea what trumps inauguration is going to be like. But we do know hes personally been hard at work on it. Yesterday, trump tweeted a photo of himself, quoting, writing my inaugural address at the winter white house maralago, three weeks ago. Looking forward to friday. When you take a closer look, it appears that trump is writing the first draft of his speech with a sharpie on what appears to be the first page of a brandnew legal pad. One twitter user pointed out, that desk sure looks exactly like the maralago receptionist desk, rather than a personal office. Would the president elect really be writing the speech there . Writing my inaugural address. With a pen and paper, really . Id believe it more if it was trump tweeting his inaugural address, then id believe it. By the way, thats an iphone. It just looks big in his hands. [laughter] now this is one of those situations where honestly, i dont believe people should waste their rage. You know, i see people going, its a lie why is he lying about where he is . Calm down. Is donald trump really sitting down writing his speech at that desk . No. But thats not the point. Its not a lie. Its an ad. American, you have to get used to the fact that youve elected a reality star president. And you should know a publicity still when you see one. Donald trump was just promoting tomorrows premiere of the 45th season of the tv show president s. Yes, thats all he was doing. Its also the final season, by the way, but thats a separate subject. And you gotta understand, were only gonna see more photos like this over the next four years. You know, trumps gonna put pictures up. Here i am balancing the federal budget all on my own. [laughter] hey, here i am bringing jobs back from mexico. [laughter] this is me defeating isis singlehandedly. Look how much i killed them. Get used to it. We gotta get used to it because trump is all about promotion. Its an essential ingredient to any authoritarian, to be honest. You know who else does that . Vladimir putin. He does the same thing. None of those pictures are candid. That is not something that just happened, right . You know that he planned it. I bet Vladimir Putin is like a girl on instagram, just like, no, no, high angle, high angle. No, not so close, not so close. Make you sure you get crimea in the background, make sure. Make you sure you get crimea in the background. Can you see it . Can you see it . The inauguration of americas last president is only a few days away and its shaping up to be as exciting as bird watching with a tax attorney. Were days away from Donald Trumps inauguration so why is such a major event having problems booking major acts . At least some stars are turning down the invitation. Donald trump has had a tough time attracting many celebrities. Celine dion, elton john, kiss, icet, just a few. You wanna know why so many celebrities died in 2016 . It was to get out of playing the goddamn inauguration. [cheers and applause] right now, the two biggest acts booked for the inauguration are an americas got talent contestant contestant, not winner and the mormon tabernacle choir. Oh, yes the thrill of choir music but with the edginess of mormonism. [laughter and applause] but look, when it comes down to it, we may not know who will perform, but weve just found out the theme. With just over a week until donald trump is officially sworn in as president , we now have a better idea of the theme of his celebration soft sensuality. [laughter] yeah, thats right. Soft sensuality. Mmmm. Good to know when americas getting [bleep] by donald trump, at least hell do it gently. [laughter] were turning now to michelle wolf, everybody. [cheers and applause] michelle, michelle, i just, before we get into everything, i mean, its, you know, two days until president trump. How are you feeling . I feel great. How are you . [laughter] i mean, to be honest, im surprised that you feel great. We should all feel great. I mean, if theres one thing thats keeping me going, its that as much as we hate the idea of trump as president , its nothing compared to how much hes gonna hate being president. He has no idea whats coming its like im watching him walk into a carwash without a car. Hey, being president is hard work. You never get a day off and the irony is after all of this, trumps reward is a library. A library the guy who never reads whats he gonna do with a library . Thatts like giving Stephen Hawking a bicycle. I know its a terrible gift [laughter] i mean, honestly, i kinda feel bad for trump. I mean, everything that happens from now on is his fault. Michelle, thats not fair. Not everything that happens will be his fault. No, everything if the market goes down, trumps fault. If oil prices go up, trumps fault. If justin doesnt call me back, even though he said we had a real connection when i gave him a handie in the back of an uber. Oh, thats trumps fault . Whoa, whoa, whoa, thats trumps fault . That was justins fault, but he voted for trump, so. But michelle, michelle do you really think trump is gonna be upset . He won. Trump never wanted the job of president. He just wanted to be mr. Usa, put on a sash, and tell people how you change the World Without actually having to change it. But instead, trump has gone from being a carefree billionaire to a public servant. Yeah, donald j trump, you just became americas butler. Now go fix our healthcare and make me a sandwich, you sunburned bitch. Thank you, michelle. Michele wolf, everyone. Well be right back. Thank you, michelle. Michele wolf, everyone. They said it was impossible to have greattboom. G light beer. Awardwinning heineken light, brewed with cascade hops. They also said it was impossible to hypnotize you. Youre getting sleepy. Watch the beer the award for best 50 off deal goes to pizza hut for one week only, get 50 off menupriced pizzas when you order online. Thats half off a stellar cast of supreme, meatlovers, pepperoni and more. 50 off pizzas. Because no one out pizzas the hut. Its your tv, take it with you. With directv and at t, stream live tv anywhere datafree. Join directv today starting at 35 a month. No extra monthly fees. My new georgia gold make regular gold jealous. C my georgia gold is hand prepared with tangy Honey Mustard barbecue sauce. And gold is only gold. Get it as a chicken little sandwich, extra crispy tenders or extra Crispy Chicken for a limited time. Kfc. Its Finger Lickin gold. Im not the type to smushy garbages. You know what . Im going for it. You are completely and utterly. Awesome. Im glad you showed up. In my life i think im about to cry. You better not. Every single time i. Get down you always have. My back my back its really hard to describe. Its like. All these tiny little. Things . Yes. Yes. Things are actually. Friendship. And i switched to sprint. And right now sprint has this incredible deal on unlimited data, talk and text. Seriously . Yup, its the best unlimited plan ever. With lines for just 22. 50 per month. Thats amazing. Thats 50 off verizons new unlimited plan. Can you hear that . vo switch to sprint and get unlimited data, talk and text. Plus, get hd video and 10 gbs of mobile hotspot. All for just 22. 50 per month, per line for four lines. For people with hearing loss, thats 50 off verizon and at t rates. Visit sprintrelay. Com. [cheers and applause] its official, people. Its finally happened. It took 11 long weeks, but its finally here. I punched my tenth Subway Sandwich card at subway. Yes, free sub for tno tomorrow no, no, im just joking. There obviously wont be a tomorrow. Because today, this happened. Preserve, protect, and defend. Preserve, protect, and defend. The constitution of the united states. The constitution of the united states. So help me god. So help me god. Congratulations, mr. President. Yeah no matter how many times you watch that, i dont think youll ever get used to it. Its like seeing your dads dick. [laughter] like. Like, i knew it was gonna be there, but its still upsetting. One of the main things donald trump has promised is that he will drain the swamp. He said he will drain the swamp that is washington and when you look at his inauguration crowd compared to president obamas, you can see trump kept that promise on day one. Washington is drained. Mission accomplished, trump. Oh, if you did miss the inauguration or if you wanna suffer one more time, lets do a quick recap. So basically, it starts just before noon eastern time. And here we see president elect donald trump approaching the dais as hellfire spontaneously bursts from earth below. Yes, the peaceful transition of power. Im just jokingim joking, guys, of course, im joking. I mean, it was much worse than that. [laughter] first, obviously, trump got some formalities out of the way. Chief justice roberts. President carter, president clinton, president bush, president obama, fellow americans, and people of the world, thank you. [laughter] why would he be thanking people of the world . [laughter] its not like they voted or participated ohh. Oh. [cheers and applause] i get it. I get it. Now, heres the thing. Historically, and not just in america, most functioning president s generally try to make their inauguration speech one of unity and positive vision. And you would hope the 45th president would have brought some of that, but it turns out hope was the exact wrong thing to have. Americas infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay. One by one, the factories shuttered and left our shores. Mothers and children trapped in poverty, rustedout factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape. And the crime and the gangs and the drugs. We all bleed the same red blood. The ravages, destroying, ripped, robbed our country. This american carnage stops right here and stops right now. Um, did anybody have carnage, blood, and decay on their inauguration speech bingo card . Did anybody have that . Yeah, yeah . Is that the first five minutes of a presidency or a terminator movie . What the hell is that . Blood and decay, the bones. You know, no matter how we feel about today, at least we know how trump will remember it. January 20th, 2017 will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this nation again. Well, actually, i have a feeling january 20th, 2017 will be the day time travelers go back to to try and save the future. [cheers and applause] thats what i think well remember it as. In factin fact, around 11 30 today, part of me was expecting marty mcfly to show up like, doc, doc im so glad youre here we gotta stop him for the last time, im not doc. Im Bernie Sanders why does this keep happening to me . [cheers and applause] why does this keep happening to me . They gave me the opportunity to support myself from being on the streets. I want to do a pay it forward, pay for the next person. Wow, that is very awesome. Athank you, but next time. This is the beer we drink. Eberhard anheuser. Adolphus busch. Today, unlimited gets the network it deserves. Verizon. mic thuds uh, sorry. Its unlimited without compromising reliability, on the largest, most advanced 4g lte network in america. thud uh. Sorry, last thing. Its just 45 per line. Forty. Five. cheering and applause and that is all the microphones that i have. vo unlimited on verizon. 4 lines, just 45 per line. Slow wifi at home. Guess im studyingthat is rough. Night. You know. Ipad pro has lte like your phone, so you can get internet pretty much anywhere. Anywhere [cheers and applause] it was a really jampacked weekend so lets get right to the big story this weekend. Millions take to the streets marching against the new commander in chief. Huge rallies led by women in washington, around the country, and around the world. On every continent, they turned out. 3 Million People took part. There was a point to the sea of pink hats. What are these hats called . No, no. You know what . No, no. When a woman wears a pussy hat, its a political act, but if i wear a penis hat, then i get thrown out of the chuck e. Cheese. No. That is not fair. God damn pc police its not fair. I mean, it was the Actual Police and i was having hat sex with, like, a mechanical mouse, but thats not the point. Thats not the point. Double standards. So anyway, the womens march was on saturday. Millions of women took to the streets to protest President Donald Trump with especially huge crowds in washington dc, new york, chicago, and los angeles. In a testament to how truly [bleep] the rest of the world feels by a donald Trump Presidency, protesters took to the streets in over 30 countries. In london, there was a huge protest. In mexico, una protesta gigante. In deutschland, [speaking german] lederhosen, shnitzel. Oh, and this is true. This is true. They were even protesting trump in antarctica. In antarctica, people, yeah. And nobodynobody was happier about that than the antarctica staples. This was their busiestbusiest time theyve ever had in years. You know, this for me is the one Silver Lining of a donald Trump Presidency unity. Think about it. Hes pissed off so many different people that now everyone is teaming up against him. [cheers and applause] yeah everyone is coming together from all different walks of life. Its almost like Independence Day but instead of the president , trumps the alien. Thats whats happened. Everyones like, all right, for now. Were friends for now. Lets handle this. And it turns out humans really dont like aliens. Some crowd experts telling the New York Times there may have been as many as three times more people at the womens march in washington than at trumps inauguration. Wow. Wow. [cheers and applause] that is insane. Three times more people pitched up to protest donald trump than to celebrate him. Its almostits almost as if he lost the popular vote. [laughter] on the same afternoon that the marches were taking place, donald trump, in his first outing as president , went to formally introduce himself to the cia. And obviously, there were so many pressing matters of National Security to discuss. You know, he could have discussed foreign espionage, cyber security, terrorism, or if youre president trump, the most pressing issue of National Security is. We have a massive field of people. You saw that it was packed. I get up this morning, i turn on one of the networks and they show an empty field. I said, wait a minute. I made a speech. I looked out. The field was. There looked like a million, million and a half people. It went all the way back to the washington monument. [laughter] why does it sound. Like trumps reading a fairytale to intelligence agents . Why is he. Telling them. A Million People and the kings horses, they all came over the hill. And they were running. But sleeping beauty, she was asleep. [laughter] and they came and they kissed her; she didnt wake up. She didnt wake up. So i grabbed her by the pussy, then she woke up. She woke up. I dont know why the dwarves didnt try. I dont know why the dwarves didnt try. [cheers and applause] this weekend, our own jordan keller and desi lydic join the crowds for both the inauguration and the protests. We turn to them now. The big day had arrived, but i still had doubts. I needed reassurance from the people who had already said yes to trump. Should i be nervous . What are you worried about . I dont know his friends super well, but they seem a little. White supremacy. No, well, ive seen blacks. Youve seen blacks . Yeah. Well, not at the inauguration. Just in general. Well, theres a lot here. Look around. Maybe not right here, but theyre all around. With all the players in place, i steadied myself for the big event. If you look up close, you can see the man whos gonna be running our country for the next four years. Jared kushner is standing right next to dt. And wouldnt you know it . A little rain on the wedding day. Make America Great again mazel tov. You may now grab the pussy. Its official. Donald trump is president of is president of the united st i cant. I cant. So i began to panic. [echoing] crime, tombstones across the landscape. And decay. Its gonna be okay, right . [panting] why does everybody here look like Rudy Giuliani . I need whiskey. American whiskey. Thank you. Have a good day. Ahh. Good ol american whiskey. [bleep] [laughter] god, how did this happen . I cant believe this happened. I cant believe this oh, it happened. [swanky music] we committed to a Trump Presidency for the next four years, but dont worry, because day one, what do we do . The womens march. Its like a really gigantic morningafter pill thats needed after a regretful evening. There are so many people here. I cant even see the end of how many people. By trump math, there are about 4 billion people here. People of all genders, races, ages like these millenials. I am loving your pink hats. What do they represent. Now cant you figure that out . Theyre pussies. Well, who do i have to grab around here to get a pink pussy hat . Dont grab, honey. Its all yours. Aww, do you have one thats a little smaller and less floppy . I just want it to be accurate . It was so inspiring to be part of a movement that had not only spread across the country but to all seven continents. And there were a [bleep] ton of reasons to march. Planned parenthood. Antigun. The environment, of course. Justice. College tuition. Black women, muslim women, refugees. Theres no right thats not under attack right now. As a 75yearold lesbian, im fighting like hell. Say no more. I got this. Whoo for women the one good thing about trump is that he brought millions of people together, even if it was caused by dread, doubt, fear of tiny hands, it didnt matter because we had a plan for the next four years. Be sad for a minute and then get up and go fight. Writing your Congress People and letting them know how you feel. We need to resist on every level. Yes. We stay here and fight. Make a better decision next time. There were a lot of plans, but there was one Great Unifying message that everyone could agree on and these women said it best. [bleep] trump. [bleep] trump. [bleep] trump. [bleep] trump. [bleep] trump. [cheers and applause] my laptop has the nastiest viryeah, that is scary. You know an ipad pro doesnt get pc viruses, so relax theres nothing to be afraid of. Except ghosts ahhhhh wtheyre about to slow down my data. Simple rest easy, fellow streamers, simple mobile gives you truly unlimited highspeed data on a blazing fast 4g lte network. Your data will move as fast as a lightning cheetah haha that was weird. No, that was simple. Good day get truly unlimited highspeed data for 60 bucks a month and the latest smartphones. Want better wireless . The answer is simple. Best cracked pepper sauce barbeque trophies most ribs eaten while calf roping. Yep. Greatness deserves recognition. You got any trophies, cowboy . Uh, yea, well, uh. Well, theres this one. Best insurance mobile app . Yep, three years in a row. Well ill be does that thing just follow you around . Like a little puppy. The awardwinning geico app. Download it today. So tasty. [cheers and applause] think about it. We know more about donald trump, right . We know more about donald trump than we know about most people in power. We know that he prefers Robert Pattinson to kristen stewart. We know that he thinks diet coke in a scam. Which is really sad. And as of last week, we now know that he calls himself the djt ratings machine. Thats gonna be him. At the united nations, theyre gonna be like, the president e [indistinct] la germany, Angela Markel the president e united states, djt ratings machine hes gonna come in with the lights bouncing. [beatboxing] wrong. Both houses still havent figured out which voice to use when reading president trumps tweets on air. And this is a real issue that we have to grapple with. Which is why we, here at the daily show, held out own auditions in the building to try and find the perfect voice to read trumps tweets, so please enjoy. Ho ho ho. He he he. Trump tweet reads test. Marker. [tearfully] i am a very compassionate person. With a very high iq. [sports announcer] wow, the ratings are in and Arnold Schwarzenegger get swamped or destroyed